Wanting marriage but no children and struggling with faith

[LoveAndSparkles]

I’ve posted on here in the past about this issue and it’s still something that bothers me and I still can’t seem to resolve. Im a girl 23 years old and I’ve been a practicing Catholic since 8th grade. I am in RCIA currently and will have confirmation this April. So my issue is that I don’t want children and never have since I was a kid. I love children, I like being an aunt and god mom but I only like kids in small doses, I wouldn’t want my own to have to be responsible for 24/7. I have a hard time taking care of myself. I have mental and physical health issues that get in the way and the type of career I want I feel like I wouldn’t be in a child’s life enough to be a good parent anyway. I do want to get married though, I’ve always wanted that, more than anything now that I’m older and getting closer to my mid 20s. I feel anxious about it now. Last time I asked this question people commented saying maybe god is calling me to be a nun or something. I don’t think so though, I crave a companionship that a husband would give me, physical love and attention and sex. Sex is huge thing for me since for years now I’ve been struggling with sexual sins like masturbation. I’ve been able to get away from that more in the past year. Here’s my issue I’m worried now that since I don’t want kids god is never going to send me a husband and therefore I’m going to be a virgin forever (I took a vow of purity in middle school and always wear a purity ring to help me remember to not do anything to sacrifice that) it scared me a lot and it’s really taking a toll on my faith. I already had an issue with my faith a couple months ago when my dog passed away and I was going through some mental health issues at the same time but now I’m worried I’m going to be alone forever and never experience physical love. I understand how my sexual sin is a mortal sin and I was so excited to go to confession and get it off my chest so I could finally move on from it and just stop but now I’m like what’s the point and why would god just have me here on earth with just myself and friends and family only. I know it’s just about what I want and he has a plan and whatever but I’m so pained when I see couples like it physically hurts me to see other people married and enjoying each other. I know that right now with the mortal sin I have I’m just in track to go to hell and that’s way worse than the loneliness I feel currently I just don’t know what to do now. I’m just really sad and I feel let down. I’ve trusted god my whole life and I’ve been good my whole life and I’ve done everything else right and according to his word so for me to do this one sin and go to hell makes me feel terrible. I never wanted to betray him and I never mean to because I love him so much. I’m just really lost again and I hate feeling like I’m struggling with my faith. I don’t want him to think I’m turning away from him.

 

[Emeraldlady]

It sounds like you are a bit trapped in a negative defensive inner battle with God and yourself. A surefire way to become more peaceful and patient is to turn yourself to the needs of others around you. Pray for those who need prayers. Be helpful and generous with those you live with. Practice being an attentive listener with your friends. I know it sounds counter to what you believe you need at the moment but I can vouch for that strange Scriptural motto “It is in giving that you receive”.

God bless you in your struggles.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Honestly, it is very difficult to read this on a screen without paragraph breaks.

Perhaps do some study into the reasons for Church teaching.

I’d begin with Fulton Sheen’s “Three To Get Married”

 

[la_petit_fleur]

I never wanted to betray him and I never mean to because I love him so much. I’m just really lost again and I hate feeling like I’m struggling with my faith. I don’t want him to think I’m turning away from him.

Honestly, I would just concentrate on your relationship with Jesus. You don’t know the future, whether you will have a husband, whether you will change your mind about children. Why not just work on building your faith so that you will be a great wife, if that’s God’s will.

Also, you sound very lonely. A husband will not solve that. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. You can be married and be very, very lonely. Why not focus on making friends, taking up a hobby or eventually getting a dog?

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

Lol that’s all good do. I love helping people and making people happy. I’m usually taking care of myself last, that’s part of the reason I’m here feeling so empty and lonely. I make everyone else a priority and focus most of my energy on other people’s needs and helping my friends and family and even people I don’t know with all sorts of things. It makes me feel good to put smiles on peoples faces. I just can’t find that for myself

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

I am lonely but only in a love sort of way, I have good friends lots of family I had dogs and I have pet lizards that I love very much, they’re basically my children. I’m just missing a certain type of relationship that I’ve never had. Romantically I’m lonely. A husband can fix that if you take the time find the right person who actually cares and loves you. Why would marry someone who is still going to make me feel lonely…

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I have a hard time taking care of myself. I have mental and physical health issues that get in the way

I would gently suggest that you should probably focus on yourself at this time. Marriage is a big commitment. It requires you to give of yourself and put the other person first. If you’re struggling with looking after yourself, you’re going to have a hard time being a good spouse to someone else.

Also, your post suggests that you see marriage as an answer to your sexual issues. That’s not what marriage is all about. If you have challenges with avoiding masturbation now, before you’re married, they don’t resolve just because you have a husband. There are also going to be a lot of times in a marriage where sex is less than ideal or maybe even unavailable due to illness, work, distance.

I agree that you should read some more on what marriage is really about.
Also, if you don’t get married, it doesn’t mean you automatically have a religious vocation.

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

I’m sorry. I wrote everything so fast because i just needed to get everything out again. I’ve just been crying over this for the past two days and then trying not to think about it and then praying and saying I’m fine when I’m not so when it comes out I just try to throw it all out at once.

 

[po18guy]

Your spouse just might be Jesus Christ. Have you ever discerned your true vocation? It can be agonizing, heart-wrenching and take years. It is the payoff that is heaven.

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

I think I didn’t clearly get my points across since I just kinda word vomited everything lol to me marriage is like a huge huge deal and a huge huge commitment and obviously sooo much more than just sex. I was just saying I want to experience sex without having it outside of marriage and feeling terrible about myself and having another sin there. Im able to control my sexual behavior for the most part but I have my moments when I fail. I just felt like well if I’m not gonna be able to married and I’m gonna be a virgin forever and not experience sex then I might as well just give in to my sexual impulses and not stop myself because I want to feel something and if not I’m gonna be sexually frustrated and that makes me feel terrible. When I think about it like ok I’m saving myself for my husband it’s super easy for me to control myself because there’s a reason and I know god is brining me to someone worth it. Idk if that explains it better. I definitely don’t want to get married just for sex. That’s the last thing on my mind for a reason to get married, I’m just also saying I don’t wanna be a virgin forever

 

[TryingToBelieve]

A spouse is not the answer for your loneliness. You have to work to make yourself happy and then you will be ready for a spouse. Also 23 is young, go out and enjoy this time of your life. I know to many people that thought being married would be the magical fix for their life. Not going to happen.

 

[1ke]

I love children, I like being an aunt and god mom but I only like kids in small doses, I wouldn’t want my own to have to be responsible 24/7.

A) You are young.
B) You don’t have a husband at this point. You care for children as a partnership, not by yourself.

I have a hard time taking care of myself. I have mental and physical health issues that get in the way and the type of career I want I feel like I wouldn’t be in a child’s life enough to be a good parent anyway.

Then perhaps you need to focus on you and not on dating or family at this point in your life. Perhaps not at all.

I do want to get married though, I’ve always wanted that, more than anything now that I’m older and getting closer to my mid 20s.

If you aren’t called to family, you aren’t called to marriage. If you truly do not want, and do not intend to have children-- that can be an impediment to valid marriage.

What is the purpose of marriage? Children.

Why are you wanting marriage when you do not want children? This is what you need to ask yourself and seek spiritual direction for.

Last time I asked this question people commented saying maybe god is calling me to be a nun or something.

If you aren’t called to marriage and family, that doesn’t necessarily mean you are called to be a religious.

I don’t think so though, I crave a companionship that a husband would give me, physical love and attention and sex. Sex is huge thing for me since for years now I’ve been struggling with sexual sins like masturbation. I’ve been able to get away from that more in the past year. Here’s my issue I’m worried now that since I don’t want kids god is never going to send me a husband and therefore I’m going to be a virgin forever

Being a virgin isn’t the end of the world. It seems you have some disordered attachments to the idea of marriage and sex. The reality is much different than the dream. And the purpose of sex is babies and bonding with your spouse. The two go together.

but now I’m like what’s the point and why would god just have me here on earth with just myself and friends and family only.

It sounds like you do have some mental health issues that need to be dealt with. We all have dignity and worth, we contribute to the world every day through our interactions with family, friends, and strangers. One does not derive one’s worth from being married.

I know that right now with the mortal sin I have I’m just in track to go to hell and that’s way worse than the loneliness I feel currently I just don’t know what to do now.

Sounds like you are catastrophizing. You aren’t on the road to hell. Go to confession if you have a serious sin, and make a firm amendment of purpose. That’s all God asks of any of us.

 

[1ke]

How about, I control myself because it’s the right thing to do.

I’m just also saying I don’t wanna be a virgin forever

Why not?

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

I know this sounds absolutely terrible and maybe I’m a terrible person I guess but what you just said sounds like something I wouldn’t want out of my life. I love Jesus but I NEED a human husband too. I would hate my life even more if I was to pursue a life of vocation. I’m already depressed where I am now.

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

I’m no or saying I need to get married at 23 but it just seems like it’s never going to happen. I didn’t expect to get married in my early twenties it is too early now but I’ve also never dated or anything and no guys have ever shown any interest in me and it’s never bothered me until like 2 years ago

 

[LoveAndSparkles]

Because that sucks and sex can be a beautiful thing. It feels nice why wouldn’t I want that. I’m so sexually frustrated I don’t think I could handle it. I’m always worried about fornicating

 

[TryingToBelieve]

I was in my 30’s when I got married and I wasn’t much into dating when I was your age. I’m male for the record. Go out with friends as you have been doing and take care of yourself mentally. Also what do you like to do for activities? I was and still into photography and music. Do things that you like/love and be yourself. I found love, my wife when I was doing just that. Activities that I loved and she joined one of the groups. Neither one of us was there looking for love. As the saying goes “Love hits you when you least expect it”

Take care

 

[po18guy]

Economic theory teaches that we have no needs, only wants, desires. There is an alternative to everything. Like the famous verses from Ecclesiastes. A time for everything.

You want a husband, but you do not need him. You need Jesus Christ, but you don’t want Him unless He comes with a husband.

Some things in life, we must take a breath, sigh and choose.

At this point in your life, Jesus Christ is the only man you need.

 

[TryingToBelieve]

I think you’re in a bad place LoveAndSparkes with thinking about fornicating. If you start to date do you think you really will be able to save yourself for marriage? Honest question but don’t answer on here. I mean it as self reflection. Also as has been mentioned on here already SEX is not the cure for loneliness!

 

[1ke]

Because that sucks

Wow, that isn’t a mature way to look at chastity.

sex can be a beautiful thing

It can also be something “not” beautiful.

It feels nice why wouldn’t I want that.

That’s not why God gave us sex. That isn’t it’s purpose.

I’m so sexually frustrated I don’t think I could handle it. I’m always worried about fornicating

Then seek counsel on chastity as a virtue.

This also isn’t a good reason to get married. While marriage can relieve concupiscence, that is not it’s main purpose nor should it be the reason we seek out marriage.

You’ve got some things going on with you that have nothing to do with marriage, but have a lot to do with being in an oversexualized culture and having a disordered view of sex and marriage.

Please get some counseling.