Wanting to get pregnant in God's time=toxic Christian

[blujazz25]

Good day to everyone!

It’s been a while since my last post. Anyway, here goes.

Me and my husband had been on this amazing roller coaster ride of being involved with a lot of Catholic activities. We are part of Couples for Christ, we volunteer at Net ministries, and we volunteer at TEC and Stuebenville. It has been such a blessing for us learning from different people, getting support and prayers from them apart from our families, and a bigger blessing to be able to give out what God has given us (time, talent and treasure)

We recently got married in May 25 (Padre Pio’s birthday). We are completely open to the gift of children and want to have a family of our own. I became completely OCD about wanting to get pregnant for the first 2-3 months of our marriage. It came to a point where I was already getting frustrated.In addition, my husband is struggling with issues and we are fighting our monsters together.
Came down to the point where I just lift up my hands and say, “God, you know we try…and You know we want to have kids someday…but I will trust in Your timing now and not mine. Your plans are higher than mine.”. That gave me a huge relief. Dont get me wrong, its not that we gave up trying, but we gave up forcing what we want…in turn that gave us humility and trust in God’s plan and providence.

Last Saturday, my husband said that my dad talked to him in the car on the way home from clearing out our storage unit. And my dad said that we are too busy with volunteering and that we should have time for ourselves. That hurt me inside, because serving the Church is our time together…we grow closer in our faith together…

Last night, we were out with friends from the ministry. We were having so much fun and i was especially having fun messaging with my older brother who is far away from us. The conversation went from NBA playoffs, to me telling my brother what our dad told us (thinking that he will understand since he was that way when he was in college), to him telling me that our parents are growing old and want to have a grandkids…that we should be more active…get into sports and competitions…have more intimate time together…not envelop ourselves in service…that marriage is a sacarament and fulfillment is to have children…that we should serve each other and give ourselves fully to each other…that hurt me to pieces!!! I told him, i do not want the obession to get pregnant make me lose sight of God…He will give us a child in His own time…i do not want that to be an idol. Sports is nice,but we dont want that to get in the way on serving Him. Then he said, its not idolatry…having a child is a gift from God, DONT BE A TOXIC CHRISTIAN, DONT BE A PHARASEE (did i spell that right?) .I told him, i know it is a Gift from God thats why we have to trust in God’s timing not our own…and i am not a pharasee, im a sinner! we should not be controlling God’s hand. We have 7 days in a week, whats 2 days entirely for Him?

I am hurt to pieces! i did not respond to him anymore because we know what we are doing is not wrong…God knows we try. Pressuring us to try to get pregnant when we know we have problems? pressuring us to get pregnant because of our aging parents? I know his concern for us since his marriage fell apart. But i am struggling to understand his line of thinking and it does not make sense to me even to my husband.

Please enlighten me…

 

[holyrood]

You’re open to life. What more do they think you should do?

I know it’s easier said than done to just ignore it, but I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. It’s wonderful that you and your husband want to serve God together.

 

[blujazz25]

You’re open to life. What more do they think you should do?

I know it’s easier said than done to just ignore it, but I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. It’s wonderful that you and your husband want to serve God together.

I have no idea what more they want us to do. If i can control getting pregnant in my own pace, that will be awesome. But no, it comes from God. We are trying NFP and i am trying my hardest at tracking things down and getting the rhythm of things…so who says that we are not trying? I already told my OB about it and she just scoffs it off and says its early yet…if you dont get pregnant in one to two years then we’ll talk.

 

[jritenour]

Try, be open and enjoy the things you two enjoy together. If that includes service to our Lord as you have been doing, then all the better I’m sure your family is concerned but it’s your life. You’re not doing anything wrong. May God bless the both of you and prosper you as your souls prosper.

Peace of Christ be with you!

 

[blujazz25]

Try, be open and enjoy the things you two enjoy together. If that includes service to our Lord as you have been doing, then all the better I’m sure your family is concerned but it’s your life. You’re not doing anything wrong. May God bless the both of you and prosper you as your souls prosper.

Peace of Christ be with you!

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

 

[Joe_5859]

You’ve only been married for less than six months! Definitely give yourself a break!

You are absolutely right. Children are a gift and we cannot force God’s hand. You’re doing everything you can at the moment. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. God is in control. We are not. Putting extra pressure on yourself to make things happen immediately is not beneficial to anyone.

If it were me, I would probably try to set boundaries about what topics are not open for discussion with the extended family. I certainly don’t need my parents or siblings attempting to micromanage my family size or the timing of our children being born (not to mention how my wife and I choose to spend our time together as a couple). That’s simply not their decision to be involved in. If they attempted to inform me of their opinions on the matter, I’d kindly tell them “thanks, but no thanks” for the unsolicited advice.

 

[Country_Gal]

I think you should read the book Boundaries and start setting some with your family. This all sounds very unhealthy. The book is written by a Christian and talks about these issues from a Christian perspective.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/512dkfMhhdL.SL300.jpg

 

[blujazz25]

You’ve only been married for less than six months! Definitely give yourself a break!

You are absolutely right. Children are a gift and we cannot force God’s hand. You’re doing everything you can at the moment. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. God is in control. We are not. Putting extra pressure on yourself to make things happen immediately is not beneficial to anyone.

If it were me, I would probably try to set boundaries about what topics are not open for discussion with the extended family. I certainly don’t need my parents or siblings attempting to micromanage my family size or the timing of our children being born (not to mention how my wife and I choose to spend our time together as a couple). That’s simply not their decision to be involved in. If they attempted to inform me of their opinions on the matter, I’d kindly tell them “thanks, but no thanks” for the unsolicited advice.

Thanks,Joe! I assume you are already married? We pretty much just shut our pie holes and not appear disrespectful. My husband just didnt say anything to my dad last saturday. And i already have a feeling that if i tell my mom she will side with my brother and dad. So we just decided to lift it up in prayer and just keep on doing what we know is right, no matter what others say, we are open for children in God’s time.

I guess this is where what Jesus said reigns true : I did not come to the world to bring peace. Brother will be against father, mother against daughter…

 

[Joe_5859]

Thanks,Joe! I assume you are already married? We pretty much just shut our pie holes and not appear disrespectful. My husband just didnt say anything to my dad last saturday. And i already have a feeling that if i tell my mom she will side with my brother and dad. So we just decided to lift it up in prayer and just keep on doing what we know is right, no matter what others say, we are open for children in God’s time.

I guess this is where what Jesus said reigns true : I did not come to the world to bring peace. Brother will be against father, mother against daughter…

Yes, I’m already married. Yes, if my father-in-law said something like that, my first inclination would probably be to clam up and smile and nod.

Family boundaries can be difficult. We haven’t experienced that with this issue in particular, but with other issues. My kids are still small, but I can already predict that we will be tempted to do the same things when it comes to our grandkids. I think it’s not always easy for everyone to shift from the role of parent of young children (where you can pretty much tell the child what to do for the duration of their childhood and expect them to do it) to the role of grandparent and/or parent of adult children (where everything is no longer your business and your opinion is no longer the highest authority in the decision-making process).

Different people have different temperaments, too. Some have very little filter and so they no sooner have a thought pass through their head than they have to share it immediately with all who are present. Others are able to hold their tongues so well that they never let you know what they are thinking…but they’ll tell everyone else in the family who isn’t you as soon as your back is turned. Not that I have anyone specific in mind with those descriptions of course…

 

[1ke]

Sounds to me like it is time to establish boundaries with your family, and when/if you have children and how you spend your time is NOT their business and not open for comments.

 

[blujazz25]

Yes, I’m already married. Yes, if my father-in-law said something like that, my first inclination would probably be to clam up and smile and nod.

Family boundaries can be difficult. We haven’t experienced that with this issue in particular, but with other issues. My kids are still small, but I can already predict that we will be tempted to do the same things when it comes to our grandkids. I think it’s not always easy for everyone to shift from the role of parent of young children (where you can pretty much tell the child what to do for the duration of their childhood and expect them to do it) to the role of grandparent and/or parent of adult children (where everything is no longer your business and your opinion is no longer the highest authority in the decision-making process).

Different people have different temperaments, too. Some have very little filter and so they no sooner have a thought pass through their head than they have to share it immediately with all who are present. Others are able to hold their tongues so well that they never let you know what they are thinking…but they’ll tell everyone else in the family who isn’t you as soon as your back is turned. Not that I have anyone specific in mind with those descriptions of course…

I have the temperament of not having a filter. When that happened, i only opened up to my husband and a close friend in the ministry. I cannot hold things in, he has more gift on that.

 

[Ophelia23]

You are open to life. You are married to your husband and only you (and your husband) knows the intimate details of your situation. You are doing nothing wrong.

Your family, on the other hand, is enormously out of line.

 

[manualman]

Fertility is a funny thing. In my own circle of friends, those most anxious to make it happen, to try to control it and force a pregnancy are those who have ended up having fertility problems. Those who allowed their love to do the work found that pregnancy generally followed. This is true even of those who for a long time couldn’t get pregnant! Several couples we know had big trouble getting pregnant while they tried to make it happen, got frustrated, investigated adoption and finally gave up… THEN got pregnant. Worry and anxiety simply don’t help. Growing outside yourself DOES.

You’re doing all the right stuff. Don’t stop due to bad advice.

P.S. NET alum here myself! Early 90’s.

 

[blujazz25]

You are open to life. You are married to your husband and only you (and your husband) knows the intimate details of your situation. You are doing nothing wrong.

Your family, on the other hand, is enormously out of line.

Its just hard. Every detail that we have, we just hold it in between us. But when people manipulate us like this and pressure us, for some reason when this happens. I pretty much told my brother not to tell our mom but my husband has psyche problems! that adds to the time frame on having kids. i didnt tell him the whole detail. but I really want him to shut judging and pressuring us when my family has no idea what we are going through.

we believe that when God deems that we are ready for it He will make it happen.

 

[Country_Gal]

I have the temperament of not having a filter. When that happened, i only opened up to my husband and a close friend in the ministry. I cannot hold things in, he has more gift on that.

If that’s your temperament, then work on it. I have the same and it is a detriment. Don’t just say “that’s the way I am”. It is a weakness in your nature that will undermine your relationships to say whatever pops into your head. I speak from experience.

 

[blujazz25]

Fertility is a funny thing. In my own circle of friends, those most anxious to make it happen, to try to control it and force a pregnancy are those who have ended up having fertility problems. Those who allowed their love to do the work found that pregnancy generally followed. This is true even of those who for a long time couldn’t get pregnant! Several couples we know had big trouble getting pregnant while they tried to make it happen, got frustrated, investigated adoption and finally gave up… THEN got pregnant. Worry and anxiety simply don’t help. Growing outside yourself DOES.

You’re doing all the right stuff. Don’t stop due to bad advice.

P.S. NET alum here myself! Early 90’s.

We volunteer for lifeline every month. I am pretty much assigned to first aid all the time, my husband is assigned to security and parking. we have a blast being able to serve, worship and hear the talks…and then coming home midnight all tired and feeling accomplished, full of faith…that is the high for us! We agreed that we wont want anything in the way of that.

You pretty much summed up what my friend told me last night. And what you said by growing outside yourself made sense…a priest told me to stop praying with supplications and petitions and learn to pray with openness with what God has for us.

We are happy with where we are at right now. Not to mention, we also have a dog, we think its good practice…LOL…

 

[EasterJoy]

Two suggestions: Don’t have text conversations with a 3rd party when out with others unless the entire bunch of you is in on the conversation. The second is to not talk about important things via text message or email. These media are infamous for spreading hurt feelings because of the limitations of the keyboard. As I myself am on a keyboard, I say this as a thought that you ought to feel free to discard, if you like.

It is regrettable how easily epithets like “Pharisee” and “Nazi” and “toxic” are thrown around these days. Don’t let that nasty trend do its work on you!! When people start name-calling, it is time to call a time-out and tell them to cut it out. That is a counter-productive way to make a complaint, let alone make a point, because it practically begs for the defensive response. Productive complaining points to actions or situations and asks for changes; it does not attack persons.

Having your judgement second-guessed and having someone resort to name-calling in order to manipulate you away from doing what you have decided to do instead of what they want you to do are par for the course when you are a parent. You must see through such cheap tactics and firmly refuse to be lured in. You will have no peace as parent if you do not learn to deny such bids without taking it personally that the tactics were tried. Just say “oh, no you don’t!” and leave it at that. Get past “Pharisee” and “Toxic Christian” now, and you will be well-armed when the phrase is “The Meanest Mommy Ever” and the second-guess is “I hate you, you never let me do anything I want.”

The other thing to learn to reject is “triangulation”. That is when you get communiques from someone through a third person, either by the bidding of this passive “someone” or just because the third person makes it their business to butt in where everyone involved is very capable of doing their own communication. Don’t let anyone take you into the Land of Triangulation, including your family and including the people you volunteer with. Do not let your brother speak for your parents! If he does, then your parents have been robbed of their right to keep their mouths shut about when you have children!! (Having said that–was he telling you that you ought to have children, or was he just explaining why your dad was making out-of-line comments? Explaining why Dad said something is not the same as agreeing with Dad’s thinking.)

The person whose opinion counts is your husband. The two of you need to say what you each want clearly. Of course it is fine to consider outside sources for advice, but in the end you need to be your own authorities, and not look for people outside your marriage to buttress whatever case you’re making. Make your requests to each other and weigh what to do on the merits of what is being considered, not in order to dance to the tune of people who think they know how you ought to live your vocation better than you do.

If your husband wants to back off of the amount of service you are doing and spend some time in recreation, then consider that together. You have one life, and you have to “be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph 5:21) Recreation time is something that seminaries and monasteries tend to have to enforce on members of their communities, because it is too easily neglected otherwise, to the detriment of the community. One priest I know referred to it as “forced fun”, and after he left the seminary he was a staunch believer in the wisdom of it. Do not be afraid, then, to see recreational time as time spent doing the will of God. Recreation is good, too, and certainly things which take care of you physically are worthwhile. How much recreation, and when? That is a decision for your domestic church, not for someone else to make for you.

As far as pregnancy goes, make sure you’re eating right, getting enough folate and all of that, but other than that there is no moral requirement that you “try” to get preganant. Feel free to let that one go, and feel free to answer all inquiries about how you are handling your bedroom activities with a firm “I BEG your pardon?” It is really no one’s business but yours and your husband’s.

Fertile couples who are “trying” to get pregnant often take as long as a year to actually become pregnant, so nobody ought to be concerned just yet. You are not a rabbit. Some people track when they are neither “trying” nor “not trying”, just to have a better feel for their own bodies, but if tracking with NFP feels too OCD to you right now, you may ethically put it all aside.

 

[Xantippe]

Easter Joy said:

“Two suggestions: Don’t have text conversations with a 3rd party when out with others unless the entire bunch of you is in on the conversation. The second is to not talk about important things via text message or email. These media are infamous for spreading hurt feelings because of the limitations of the keyboard.”

Amen to that. That jumped out at me, that you were out having an amazing time with friends, but also texting like crazy with your brother. Be with the people you’re with.

 

[Country_Gal]

Excellent advice Easter Joy!

 

[Xantippe]

Easter Joy said:

“You are not a rabbit.”

Ha!

You can cross-stitch “I am not a rabbit” on a throw pillow and just point to it as needed. “How often I have sex is not your business” doesn’t fit quite as well on a pillow, but it’s another option.

The funny thing is, things flip over very quickly from, “When are you going to have kids?” to “Are you done yet?” and “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” You could easily go from the one to the other extreme in five years.

Is your husband getting adequate professional help with his mental issues?