Wanting to get pregnant in God's time=toxic Christian

[blujazz25]

@ EaterJoy:

Thank you for the advice and encouragement. My brother messaged me this morning, I chose not to reply as I was still hurt and I dont want to start another argument.
The reason we use the thrid party is because he is in another country and it cost efficient. Long distance calls rack up a lot.
I really do not want to divulge more details about me and my husband to them. Of course we want our families involved and know they still exist in our lives, but we dont want them to butt in and decide for us now that we are planning on a family of our own.

When that happened last night, me and my husband got distraught on how we got judged and of all people, my only brother who we both look up to to understand us. We just suddenly thought, so…trying our hardest to be a good Catholic is bad now? focusing on getting each other to heaven is not important as having kids? serving God with our time and bodies is bad now? I mean where is the memo on that? Since when did this happen?

We love each other very much but we both love God more, thats the way its supposed to be right? That is how God created it to be right?

 

[blujazz25]

@Xantippe:

He is under therapy. I am not part of it since its his personal monsters, I am here to support and pray for him to go through with it in peace and solitude.

LOL I am not a rabbit on the pillow cases is a good idea…

 

[Xantippe]

blujazz25 said:

“When that happened last night, me and my husband got distraught on how we got judged and of all people, my only brother who we both look up to to understand us. We just suddenly thought, so…trying our hardest to be a good Catholic is bad now? focusing on getting each other to heaven is not important as having kids? serving God with our time and bodies is bad now? I mean where is the memo on that? Since when did this happen?”

Some people are just worriers. You could win the lottery and they would worry about that, too. (Which is not that crazy, actually.)

You’re a newylywed. This is exactly the time for you to be figuring out what your relationship with your families is going to look like and for doing the stuff (like your volunteering) that will be harder once you have children. As long as you are enjoying it and your relationship with your husband is fine, go for it.

And by the way, you may want to avoid any complain-bragging to your family where you talk about how crazy busy you are and how hard you’re working at your volunteer activities. Just tell them how much you’re enjoying it, and leave it at that.

 

[blujazz25]

@Xantippe:

Actually they are the ones complaining on how busy we are…LOL. We just shrug it off and say we LOVE DOING IT!

And the complain on how we are going to manage when we have kids? Hey, God made it possible for other couples to still serve,… He made it possible for us to serve even when were we both busy with full time jobs! He will make it possible again and again!

Those questions that went in our heads last night…we were trying to figure out the line of thinking and where he is coming from…still did not make any sense to us, so we gave up and left it to that. LOL

 

[EasterJoy]

@ EaterJoy:

Thank you for the advice and encouragement. My brother messaged me this morning, I chose not to reply as I was still hurt and I dont want to start another argument.
The reason we use the thrid party is because he is in another country and it cost efficient. Long distance calls rack up a lot.
I really do not want to divulge more details about me and my husband to them. Of course we want our families involved and know they still exist in our lives, but we dont want them to butt in and decide for us now that we are planning on a family of our own.

When that happened last night, me and my husband got distraught on how we got judged and of all people, my only brother who we both look up to to understand us. We just suddenly thought, so…trying our hardest to be a good Catholic is bad now? focusing on getting each other to heaven is not important as having kids? serving God with our time and bodies is bad now? I mean where is the memo on that? Since when did this happen?

We love each other very much but we both love God more, thats the way its supposed to be right? That is how God created it to be right?

I like “Eater Joy”…some days it is far closer to my true nature, I am afraid!

The texting situation you are talking about sounds like something your friends were involved with, then. That’s a bit different–so I feel relieved I told you to ignore me if you saw fit! You will probably be happiest, though, if you confine e-mails and text messages to content that anyone on the planet could freely be allowed to read. That does mean less substantial communication with some people who are far away, but it lowers the potential for hurt feelings and embarrassments tremendously. I only mean to say that written electronic communication is far more perilous than people give it credit for! Lots of hurt feelings and misunderstandings there, as you know.

If you are headed into parenthood, you are headed into more unsolicited advice than you can possibly imagine. I do not know why, but sometimes even total strangers will feel free to assess your failures or successes as parents and give you unfiltered feedback on the spot which–because they only “mean well”, I suppose–they will not often bother to put in even remotely diplomatic terms. It is a rare parent whose jaw has never dropped at the chutzpah of “the village” wanting to step in and raise our children for us!

Most people have no intention to hurt you and use words that are far more caustic than intended. I find it very unlikely that your brother wanted to cause you so much distress. If he did, shame on him. So you see, either he didn’t mean it and you can ignore it or he did mean it and you can ignore it. Isn’t that slick? Consider the basic points people are trying to make, but do not take the harshness or sweetness of their rhetoric too seriously. That part of the message is the chaff.

Learn to say, “Well, that’s one way of looking at it” and then change the subject. As for whether you are “good Catholics”, it is better to forget about where your niche is in the Catholic wall of excellence. Keep examining yourselves for failures, trying to fix mistakes and improve your way of doing things, but whatever you do don’t take it seriously when someone who has no pastoral authority over you decides to step in. If someone says you are a “good Catholic” or a “bad Catholic”, don’t take it too seriously one way or the other. Very few people have the insight to even remotely judge that with any accuracy, and those people are famous for refusing to do so!

You will also learn to identify those few golden friends with whom you can share your concerns without these friends taking this as carte blanche to give you advice that they will expect you to follow as a price for their “gift of listening”. There aren’t many people like that out there. If you find a few, confide in them. Consider confiding a lot less in those who are not so deserving of your trust–no offense to them, but some people are tone-deaf when it comes to this kind of thing.

 

[Xantippe]

blujazz said:

“And the complain on how we are going to manage when we have kids? Hey, God made it possible for other couples to still serve,… He made it possible for us to serve even when were we both busy with full time jobs! He will make it possible again and again!”

I think it’s more realistic to expect to have to cut down at that point, but you’re not there yet, so there’s no point in cutting back for the sake of the children you don’t have yet. You’ll know when it’s time. Even if you do continue volunteering heavily, the mix of activities is going to change a lot.

When we first met our old pastor, as a younger couple with 2 little kids, we asked our pastor what we could do to help. Our pastor told us that the best thing we can do to serve is to bring up our children well.

EasterJoy said:

“As for whether you are “good Catholics”, it is better to forget about where your niche is in the Catholic wall of excellence.”

Yes. It’s not the case that the best Catholic couple gets a car, the second best Catholic couple gets a set of steak knives, and the third best couple gets fired.

 

[blujazz25]

I like “Eater Joy”…some days it is far closer to my true nature, I am afraid!

The texting situation you are talking about sounds like something your friends were involved with, then. That’s a bit different–so I feel relieved I told you to ignore me if you saw fit! You will probably be happiest, though, if you confine e-mails and text messages to content that anyone on the planet could freely be allowed to read. That does mean less substantial communication with some people who are far away, but it lowers the potential for hurt feelings and embarrassments tremendously. I only mean to say that written electronic communication is far more perilous than people give it credit for! Lots of hurt feelings and misunderstandings there, as you know.

If you are headed into parenthood, you are headed into more unsolicited advice than you can possibly imagine. I do not know why, but sometimes even total strangers will feel free to assess your failures or successes as parents and give you unfiltered feedback on the spot which–because they only “mean well”, I suppose–they will not often bother to put in even remotely diplomatic terms. It is a rare parent whose jaw has never dropped at the chutzpah of “the village” wanting to step in and raise our children for us!

Most people have no intention to hurt you and use words that are far more caustic than intended. I find it very unlikely that your brother wanted to cause you so much distress. If he did, shame on him. So you see, either he didn’t mean it and you can ignore it or he did mean it and you can ignore it. Isn’t that slick? Consider the basic points people are trying to make, but do not take the harshness or sweetness of their rhetoric too seriously. That part of the message is the chaff.

Learn to say, “Well, that’s one way of looking at it” and then change the subject. As for whether you are “good Catholics”, it is better to forget about where your niche is in the Catholic wall of excellence. Keep examining yourselves for failures, trying to fix mistakes and improve your way of doing things, but whatever you do don’t take it seriously when someone who has no pastoral authority over you decides to step in. If someone says you are a “good Catholic” or a “bad Catholic”, don’t take it too seriously one way or the other. Very few people have the insight to even remotely judge that with any accuracy, and those people are famous for refusing to do so!

You will also learn to identify those few golden friends with whom you can share your concerns without these friends taking this as carte blanche to give you advice that they will expect you to follow as a price for their “gift of listening”. There aren’t many people like that out there. If you find a few, confide in them. Consider confiding a lot less in those who are not so deserving of your trust–no offense to them, but some people are tone-deaf when it comes to this kind of thing.

OMGosh…i totally botched that! So sorry…this happens when i have a lot on my mind and just type away! LOL

Anyway, i am just really just shrugging it off. I forgive him for what he said because he does not know our complete situation, but I cannot talk to him after that. I am still hurt, and i feel that we got looked down upon. We are doing everything humanely possible, its always up to God in the end.

I guess there really just comes a time where people freak out when you say something like that and sound too cliche or like you dont care at all. Just hard when you really mean and believe that.

 

[blujazz25]

blujazz said:

“And the complain on how we are going to manage when we have kids? Hey, God made it possible for other couples to still serve,… He made it possible for us to serve even when were we both busy with full time jobs! He will make it possible again and again!”

I think it’s more realistic to expect to have to cut down at that point, but you’re not there yet, so there’s no point in cutting back for the sake of the children you don’t have yet. You’ll know when it’s time. Even if you do continue volunteering heavily, the mix of activities is going to change a lot.

When we first met our old pastor, as a younger couple with 2 little kids, we asked our pastor what we could do to help. Our pastor told us that the best thing we can do to serve is to bring up our children well.

EasterJoy said:

“As for whether you are “good Catholics”, it is better to forget about where your niche is in the Catholic wall of excellence.”

Yes. It’s not the case that the best Catholic couple gets a car, the second best Catholic couple gets a set of steak knives, and the third best couple gets fired.

We are pretty much enjoying the time that we dont have kids yet to be a part in all of these and still have time for each other! You are right, when it comes we’ll know when we need to back down a little or a lot.

Thanks!

 

[EasterJoy]

OMGosh…i totally botched that! So sorry…this happens when i have a lot on my mind and just type away! LOL

Anyway, i am just really just shrugging it off. I forgive him for what he said because he does not know our complete situation, but I cannot talk to him after that. I am still hurt, and i feel that we got looked down upon. We are doing everything humanely possible, its always up to God in the end.

I guess there really just comes a time where people freak out when you say something like that and sound too cliche or like you dont care at all. Just hard when you really mean and believe that.

You’re doing fine. Consider that getting “looked down upon” by relatives is par for the course. Nowhere is a prophet without honor, except in his own home town.

Expect less of people, and they will disappoint you less often. Very good people who mean well will make out-of-bounds comments…maybe I am doing that with this very post! It is a good habit to not let it bother you when others look down on you. It is a humbling experience, but most of us could go through humbling without any real harm. The less it matters whether you are humbled or exalted, the easier life gets. The truth is, most people spend far less time classifying us than we think they do. They spend more time worrying about how others classify them!

 

[EasterJoy]

We are pretty much enjoying the time that we dont have kids yet to be a part in all of these and still have time for each other! You are right, when it comes we’ll know when we need to back down a little or a lot.

Thanks!

This is very smart, indeed. Each part of life has its own pleasures, and it is very smart to enjoy the pleasures you have, and not neglect to enjoy them because you worry that the next pleasure hasn’t arrived when you thought it might. Children are a joy, but there are other joys you have to give up when you have them. Children require sacrificial service, but there are other kinds of service that will have to be put on hold when they arrive. Bloom where you are now–very smart of you!!

 

[blujazz25]

You’re doing fine. Consider that getting “looked down upon” by relatives is par for the course. Nowhere is a prophet without honor, except in his own home town.

Expect less of people, and they will disappoint you less often. Very good people who mean well will make out-of-bounds comments…maybe I am doing that with this very post! It is a good habit to not let it bother you when others look down on you. It is a humbling experience, but most of us could go through humbling without any real harm. The less it matters whether you are humbled or exalted, the easier life gets. The truth is, most people spend far less time classifying us than we think they do. They spend more time worrying about how others classify them!

Just hard when you uphold people especially if its your own family. We appreciate God’s gift of talents He gave both of us and we believe that its worth sharing and enjoying.

I used to pray for stuff with the overwhelming joy i experience being involved i have come to pray for one thing, Give me more of You and less of me.

Thank you for the encouragement.

 

[blujazz25]

This is very smart, indeed. Each part of life has its own pleasures, and it is very smart to enjoy the pleasures you have, and not neglect to enjoy them because you worry that the next pleasure hasn’t arrived when you thought it might. Children are a joy, but there are other joys you have to give up when you have them. Children require sacrificial service, but there are other kinds of service that will have to be put on hold when they arrive. Bloom where you are now–very smart of you!!

Thank you. I just figured that one day when i am already old, i can tell my kids and grandkids that i have put my youth to good use. That i have accomplished something before i die, that i did my best in serving Him the way that i knew how. I want my future family to do the same.

 

[PhiloMed]

Easter Joy said:

The funny thing is, things flip over very quickly from, “When are you going to have kids?” to “Are you done yet?” and “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” You could easily go from the one to the other extreme in five years.

My favorite is “You’re having girl? Good, now you have one of each so you’re done.”

Yes, the baseball card theory of making a family. Collect one of each.

 

[blujazz25]

My favorite is “You’re having girl? Good, now you have one of each so you’re done.”

Yes, the baseball card theory of making a family. Collect one of each.

If God will allow it, we want two boys and two girls. Teehee!

 

[OurLadyPray4US]

Hi bluejazz,

There was a canonized couple (both canonized saints) who didn’t consummate their marriage for a year (didn’t have sex for a year after getting married), because they wanted to dedicate that year to intense prayer. If someone starts bugging you about when are you going to get pregnant, just tell them that your husband and you are considering doing something similar, for the first few years of your marriage.

On a more serious note, take it easy and don’t panic if you don’t get pregnant. Also, don’t do anything rash regarding fertility treatment. A friend of mine was dealing with lack of fertility in their marriage, and the doctors overstimulated his wife’s ovaries during the fertility treatment. She got pregnant, but almost lost the pregnancy, and almost lost her own life as well, suffering of heavy bleeding during the pregnancy. It’s one thing to solve a health problem, and restore one’s body to a normal fertile state, if needed. That’s always good, regardless of whether you will ultimately end up pregnant or not. But beware, there exist doctors, and procedures, that will push your body beyond what’s normal and healthy, just to force ovulation. In vitro fertilization, besides of being immoral, also works like that. They overstimulate a woman’s ovaries, in a bid to collect multiple eggs at once.

 

[blujazz25]

Hi bluejazz,

There was a canonized couple (both canonized saints) who didn’t consummate their marriage for a year (didn’t have sex for a year after getting married), because they wanted to dedicate that year to intense prayer. If someone starts bugging you about when are you going to get pregnant, just tell them that your husband and you are considering doing something similar, for the first few years of your marriage.

Thanks for the encouragement. May I know who these saints are? LOL that is the ultimate fulfilmet of marriage for us…bringing each other to heaven! We might as well ask for their intercession too.
Anyways, as far as fertility treatment, we have already agreed on not doing those and just let God do the work. I have used birth control pills before, using those open people up to more sin (if you catch my drift). When we got engaged and after commiting ourselves to a deeper relationship to God and having small miracles happen to us along the way, we relized that all of those are completely wrong (not to mention the weight gain I got from it, now i have more hips than usual) and the least we can do to express our gratitude with the small miracles we got is to go back to Him. We went to confession of course, a very emotional one for me…I had to ask for Padre Pio’s intercession to help me not hold anything back. It was hard, I felt the other guy was forcing me not to go anymore, not to say it while i was in there. Thankfully, I felt padre’s presence during that time…i smelled something sweet and felt warm inside the confessional…i was crying the whole entire time…but after that, i felt extremely better!

 

[Kal2012]

Yeah - worry and anxiety make getting pregnant a little harder.

I have friends who adopted a couple of foster kids, then found out they were pregnant. The process took awhile and they, like you, were doing all the right things.

As other people have said, boundaries are good.

I’d explain that you want to do the service projects while you are childless because when you have children, you won’t have the time. It means a lot to you now and that desire isn’t going to stop because you are trying to get pregnant. Life doesn’t stop just because you are in a new stage of life.

They may not understand it, but it’s not up to them to live your lives. Enjoy your childless days because when they are gone, they are gone.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Sounds to me like it is time to establish boundaries with your family, and when/if you have children and how you spend your time is NOT their business and not open for comments.

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!

Besides, “getting pregnant” really takes, what, a solid 15 minutes? What do your outside activities and/or choices on how you’re going to spend your time have to do with that??? I’m really not understanding the correlation???
If volunteering together brings peace to your marriage, then your body will react to that peace in your life (maybe making conception easier when you are less anxious). Whatever brings you peace may be entirely different that what brings other couples peace. It’s okay to have different ideas in these areas.

If that’s your temperament, then work on it. I have the same and it is a detriment. Don’t just say “that’s the way I am”. It is a weakness in your nature that will undermine your relationships to say whatever pops into your head. I speak from experience.

I tend to agree here… because I’m like that too! Definitely a lesson I’ve had to learn myself. I think it’s important to learn what is private and what can be public. I’m a VERY OPEN PERSON about A LOT in my life, but even still, it’s okay to keep some things amongst yourselves as a married couple. It’s a challenge to figure out where to draw that line, I certainly sympathize.

Prayers for you!!! God bless!

 

[blujazz25]

I’d explain that you want to do the service projects while you are childless because when you have children, you won’t have the time. It means a lot to you now and that desire isn’t going to stop because you are trying to get pregnant. Life doesn’t stop just because you are in a new stage of life.

They may not understand it, but it’s not up to them to live your lives. Enjoy your childless days because when they are gone, they are gone.

Amen to that! God gave us a heart of service! Its a gift, I dont want to end up like the servant in the parable of the talents. Taken away and given to the person who had more investments grown. Thanks!

 

[blujazz25]

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!

Besides, “getting pregnant” really takes, what, a solid 15 minutes? What do your outside activities and/or choices on how you’re going to spend your time have to do with that??? I’m really not understanding the correlation???
If volunteering together brings peace to your marriage, then your body will react to that peace in your life (maybe making conception easier when you are less anxious). Whatever brings you peace may be entirely different that what brings other couples peace. It’s okay to have different ideas in these areas.

LOL. it takes 30 minutes max…plus its not that often anyway. Like I said, whats 2 straight days of service to God out of the 7 days of the week?

I agree with what you said…this service brings us peace in our married life. Makes us think out of ourselves and just love the work without complaints. This gets our minds off things like these and it brings us closer. We get so hyped up thinking on our weeked schedule if its completely filled up. Plus taking care of a shelter pup in between? we are happy enough!

When I got so OCD with the pregnancy thing at the start, that did not help with my husband’s psyche problems either. We would end up arguing. I dont want that. We hurt each other just by words.

I am working on the filter thing. But where do you stop? I mean if something is bothering me real bad, who would be the best people to talk to? If its something about my husband like if we had a fight, who should I go to? I dont want to end up bottling things in, my family has a history of heart problems.