We are the Catholic Church!

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gurneyhalleck1 said:
If you like your current health care provider, you can keep it. But if you don’t, then try BenedictCare. It will be a competitive German-style pontificated health program to compete with private insurance thus creating rigorous competition and lowering costs for consumers. They’ll even cover allergy pills like Zyrtec! Premiums won’t rise either! The fine for not being covered will be a lengthy penance, **500 rosaries, **and no indulgences for a decade…limited coverage for Protestants but only a small charge for Lutherans, at least they started in Germany…No death panels, we want a culture of life, no abortions or stem cell malarky, but not much preventive medicine either—a little redemptive suffering never hurt anybody! To be paid in marks or lyra
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Are rosary beads a covered medical expense? 😃

Jon
 
gurneyhalleck1 said:
If you like your current health care provider, you can keep it. But if you don’t, then try BenedictCare. It will be a competitive German-style pontificated health program to compete with private insurance thus creating rigorous competition and lowering costs for consumers. They’ll even cover allergy pills like Zyrtec! Premiums won’t rise either! The fine for not being covered will be a lengthy penance, 500 rosaries, and no indulgences for a decade…limited coverage for Protestants but only a small charge for Lutherans, at least they started in Germany…No death panels, we want a culture of life, no abortions or stem cell malarky, but not much preventive medicine either—a little redemptive suffering never hurt anybody! To be paid in marks or lyra
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Though you did fail to mention that one of the drawbacks is the potential to lose your coverage if you fail to confess your existing conditions on a bi-weekly basis. It’s only those big government programs that believe in that Once Covered Always Covered heresy!
 
With the commencement of each new policy, standard issue plastic rosaries are issued. Only in the gold package do you start with rosewood, deluxe rosaries with a book of mysteries included. If a patient goes three years with being 70% under the norm for insurance usage, he or she receives not only a fancy acacia wood rosary but small kneeler-station for the home. If a patient has had knee replacements, no kneelers allowed.

Outside Protestant overseers will help the governing board of the insurance company as there is the fear of cover-up or mere movement and shuffling of corrupt trustees who embezzle monies to new dioceses. This has been a pattern. Chuck Colsen and the Graham family are being considered. Interestingly enough Cardinal Mahoney and Hans Kung have already been denied coverage.

Katharine Jefforts-Schiori was, unexpectedly, given coverage by the Catholic Church BenedictCare plan filing under Section XXVI-A “Mentally Unfit to Lead a Girlscout Cookie Sale.” She is being given extensive, and I stress-fully-covered, care. These Protestant exceptions are few. Some Protestants MAY enter the program if they meet the following criterion:

Like JRR Tolkien
Like John Paul II (a lot!)
Speculate the C.S. Lewis would’ve converted to Catholicism…sooner or later
Have journeyed to Rome at least once
Know what the word “mitre” means
Appreciate the wit and insight of GK Chesterton
Reject Calvinism whole-heartedly
Don’t mind enough guilt to kill a rhino
Think Shakespeare was really a Catholic in cognito
Think that every great man or woman in history was secretly Catholic
Think that Galileo was a weener and deserved to get locked up
Are all for the filioque clause
Aren’t wearing a ZZ Top beard, no Orthodox allowed!
Think Jon Voigt is worthy of sainthood for playing the Pope in a miniseries
Overlook Mel Gibson’s insanity and adultery because he directed the Passion
Possibly have a Catholic spouse

These factors could lead to a Protestant being accepted but a review board will have to study and deliberate upon the forementioned factors and respond in writing to the Protestant applicant within 2,019 days.
JonNC said:
Are rosary beads a covered medical expense? 😃

Jon
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gurneyhalleck1 said:
With the commencement of each new policy, standard issue plastic rosaries are issued. Only in the gold package do you start with rosewood, deluxe rosaries with a book of mysteries included. If a patient goes three years with being 70% under the norm for insurance usage, he or she receives not only a fancy acacia wood rosary but small kneeler-station for the home. If a patient has had knee replacements, no kneelers allowed.

Outside Protestant overseers will help the governing board of the insurance company as there is the fear of cover-up or mere movement and shuffling of corrupt trustees who embezzle monies to new dioceses. This has been a pattern. Chuck Colsen and the Graham family are being considered. Interestingly enough Cardinal Mahoney and Hans Kung have already been denied coverage.

Katharine Jefforts-Schiori was, unexpectedly, given coverage by the Catholic Church BenedictCare plan filing under Section XXVI-A “Mentally Unfit to Lead a Girlscout Cookie Sale.” She is being given extensive, and I stress-fully-covered, care. These Protestant exceptions are few. Some Protestants MAY enter the program if they meet the following criterion:

Like JRR Tolkien
Like John Paul II (a lot!)
Speculate the C.S. Lewis would’ve converted to Catholicism…sooner or later
Have journeyed to Rome at least once
Know what the word “mitre” means
Appreciate the wit and insight of GK Chesterton
Reject Calvinism whole-heartedly
Don’t mind enough guilt to kill a rhino
Think Shakespeare was really a Catholic in cognito
Think that every great man or woman in history was secretly Catholic
Think that Galileo was a weener and deserved to get locked up
Are all for the filioque clause
Aren’t wearing a ZZ Top beard, no Orthodox allowed!
Think Jon Voigt is worthy of sainthood for playing the Pope in a miniseries
Overlook Mel Gibson’s insanity and adultery because he directed the Passion
Possibly have a Catholic spouse

These factors could lead to a Protestant being accepted but a review board will have to study and deliberate upon the forementioned factors and respond in writing to the Protestant applicant within 2,019 days.
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ROFL… that was an absolutely brilliant piece of satire. This “Think that every great man or woman in history was secretly Catholic” deserves an award alone LOL
 
The Book of Mormon was plagiarized by Smith taken from The Wonders of Nature by Josiah Priest and View of the Hebrews by Ethan Smith. Throw in a few apocryphal references, some made-up names, a manuscript of a fictional tale by a man named Solomon Spalding and a touch of King James and voila, you have the Book of Mormon. As for the God’s permission part with Luther, I won’t go there?
AtticusFinch said:
Yes, Catholics compiled the Scriptures that Luther, without asking God for permission, edited, and then Joseph Smith copied in order to fill lots of his book of mormon
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