"We only hear one side of the story"

[jmcrae]

In assertive training I found this to be helpful with my mother. When she got upset by what I did I said, “I’m sorry you got upset when I-----” don’t say you are sorry for what you did because you are not.

Also repeating is good. Just keep saying what you are gong to do instead of letting her talk you out of doing something. Like “I won’t answer the phone between 2 and 4.” Let her talk then say over. “I still won’t answer the phone between 2 and 4.” She will try to give you reasons that is wrong but just keep saying, “I still won’t answer the phone between 2 and 4” or whatever you want to tell her and she doesn’t want you to do.

Instead of saying "I’m sorry you got upset … " which still makes it sound like it was your fault in some way, you can say, "It makes me sad that you’re upset … " which takes the blame for it completely off of yourself, and indeed, removes blame entirely from the situation altogether and makes it what it is - a natural but unfortunate circumstance.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m honestly not sure there is such a thing. Not that I don’t know what it is, but that I’m not sure the possibility exists at all.

Or if there is, I feel like what she wants is an obedient daughter. Our conflicts feel to me less about the actual issue and more about me doing things she dislikes.

In the things that don’t matter one way or the other, make it a habit to do things her way. It may go some short distance in making her feel better.

Our pride makes us want to do things our own way, to try to make people respect us, but that tends to backfire. You actually get further ahead when you give in from time to time.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m honestly not sure there is such a thing. Not that I don’t know what it is, but that I’m not sure the possibility exists at all.

Or if there is, I feel like what she wants is an obedient daughter. Our conflicts feel to me less about the actual issue and more about me doing things she dislikes.

I know a man who, when he was younger, thought that his father could really only be satisfied with him if he got the Nobel Prize in physics or work worthy of the Nobel Prize in physics.

Some years later, I think the father is finally happy and proud of the son’s academic work (which is in an entirely different subject), but he still occasionally says things like he wishes the son’s work in his field were “deeper.”

The son is 40-something.

 

[Darryl_B]

I’m honestly not sure there is such a thing. Not that I don’t know what it is, but that I’m not sure the possibility exists at all.

Or if there is, I feel like what she wants is an obedient daughter. Our conflicts feel to me less about the actual issue and more about me doing things she dislikes.

So what then is the actual issue, and what things do you do that she dislikes? So far I am in the dark. My experience has been that mothers always tend to worry and fret about their children, more so than fathers. Which is why a mother and father relationship is so valuable. My experience has also been that as parents we tend to worry more about our children in terms of what we have been through, and the lessons learned from it, with a desire to protect our children against the things that have happened to us.

In other words your mother seems to care about you very much, which is a good thing, if you can view it from that perspective.

 

[DarkLight]

In the things that don’t matter one way or the other, make it a habit to do things her way. It may go some short distance in making her feel better.

Our pride makes us want to do things our own way, to try to make people respect us, but that tends to backfire. You actually get further ahead when you give in from time to time.

I don’t think I could stand that, to be honest. It seems like every single little thing that I do differently sets her off. My core frustration is that I feel like she sees me as an extension of herself. Like the endless fights over clothing…maybe it “doesn’t matter” but I don’t want to have to spend the rest of my adult life buying clothing I hate just because my mother would rather see me in pink shorts than black skirts. Or never letting on that I like something more modern than classical, or that I sometimes watch things that aren’t rated G. Or that I cook foods differently than how she does it. Or that I actually sometimes have a beer with dinner.

I don’t want to go back to how our relationship used to be, with me going over my life with a fine-toothed comb and hiding everything she might disapprove of from her. It was tiring and stressful and I was lying to her constantly.

I know a man who, when he was younger, thought that his father could really only be satisfied with him if he got the Nobel Prize in physics or work worthy of the Nobel Prize in physics.

Some years later, I think the father is finally happy and proud of the son’s academic work (which is in an entirely different subject), but he still occasionally says things like he wishes the son’s work in his field were “deeper.”

The son is 40-something.

Honestly, my feeling really is that my mother wants is someone she can fuss over and fix up and rescue. The feeling I get is that, rather than being happy that she has a smart, independent daughter, she feels attacked by my independence. I feel like she wants the compliant, non-complaining daughter she had when I was a teenager, even though I remember spending my teenage years resenting her and feeling like I could never do anything right in her eyes. I often felt that I was in trouble based not on what I actually did but on her mood - it seemed like if she was in a bad mood my mere presence was horribly disrespectful and I was never working hard enough, even though the same things were perfectly ok the day before.

So what then is the actual issue, and what things do you do that she dislikes? So far I am in the dark. My experience has been that mothers always tend to worry and fret about their children, more so than fathers. Which is why a mother and father relationship is so valuable. My experience has also been that as parents we tend to worry more about our children in terms of what we have been through, and the lessons learned from it, with a desire to protect our children against the things that have happened to us.

In other words your mother seems to care about you very much, which is a good thing, if you can view it from that perspective.

Honestly, it seems like anything and everything can be an issue. Everything from my faith to whether I have a beer with dinner at my own place right down to the colors I wear. If I fix one thing she just moves on to something else to complain about.

Plus the ever present “you’re being rude”/“you don’t listen to me”, which I understand but honestly have no idea what she wants, and when I’ve asked her she hasn’t been able to tell me anything useful. It feels to me like there is no way to disagree with her that doesn’t get me told I’m being rude and disrespectful, and that the not listening comes out not because I’m actually not listening but because I didn’t obey. I also often feel like I get jumped on out of nowhere…I can be telling a story about the neighbor’s annoying dog and all of a sudden it’s a huge fight because she’s after me for doing things wrong based on stuff that she swears I said and I don’t remember saying.

That’s actually another common problem - she’ll want, not just an apology, but an explanation of why I did something. Not infrequently I remember the situation completely differently and have no recollection of doing what she says I did or even any idea why I would have done what she remembers I did. Or she’ll remember me saying X about a situation, when the truth is Y and I don’t remember anything about X. But when that comes up she’s mad at me for lying or changing my story.

 

[jmcrae]

I don’t think I could stand that, to be honest. It seems like every single little thing that I do differently sets her off. My core frustration is that I feel like she sees me as an extension of herself. Like the endless fights over clothing…maybe it “doesn’t matter” but I don’t want to have to spend the rest of my adult life buying clothing I hate just because my mother would rather see me in pink shorts than black skirts. Or never letting on that I like something more modern than classical, or that I sometimes watch things that aren’t rated G. Or that I cook foods differently than how she does it. Or that I actually sometimes have a beer with dinner.

I don’t want to go back to how our relationship used to be, with me going over my life with a fine-toothed comb and hiding everything she might disapprove of from her. It was tiring and stressful and I was lying to her constantly.

Right, yes - I totally get that. You don’t want to lie to your mother, or hide things from her. That just makes everything nine hundred times worse. I’ve been there, and definitely, honesty and total openness is better. Then, she at least knows what it is that she hates.

Honestly, my feeling really is that my mother wants is someone she can fuss over and fix up and rescue. The feeling I get is that, rather than being happy that she has a smart, independent daughter, she feels attacked by my independence.

Have you told her this? I think you should.

I remember when I was in upper elementary, there were these girls in my class who hated me, and were always bullying me. I always thought they were trying to kill me. My Mom kept trying to get me to play with them, and she was telling me that I was anti-social, and it became quite a battle ground. I sincerely thought my mother was trying to do away with me, and wanted to use these mean girls to do it for her.

Finally I just shouted at her one day and told her what I thought was going on, and - she got it. Which I never in a million years thought she would. She apologized profusely, and she never, ever tried to make me go and play with kids I didn’t like, ever again. We got along way, way better after that, and today, we are like best friends.

Sometimes, clearing the air works. If you haven’t tried it, I recommend it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Odd thought halfway through “Codependent no more” - I feel almost like I’m reading about my mother. I know that’s not the point, and I swear I didn’t go into it looking for her. But it makes almost too much sense. Like she still wants the sick little girl who needed her…

Let’s look at one short definition Melody Beattie uses for co-dependence:
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

IOW, the dependent person behaving in a self-destructive way, and the co-dependent has a life that revolves around compensating for those destructive behaviors by prevention or damage control. The co-dependent is controlling out of misguided effort at self-preservation and preservation of the person who is destroying his or her life, relationships, and future through dependence on drugs or alcohol.

Books like “Co-Dependent No More” are not valuable for everyone because everyone is in a co-dependent relationship. These books are valuable because everyone is tempted to cross the boundary between caring about and controlling those they love. They are useful in helping us get an honest look at what is our business, what is not, and how we ought to respond (rather than react) to those who are crossing into meddling in our business, no matter what the reason.

Mothers and fathers are rightfully needed by their children when their children are young, and the dependence of the child on her parents to make important decisions for her and keep her in safe situations is totally appropriate. The problem comes when parents do not adjust to the appropriate increase in their child’s independence and self-responsibility. An adult is not made in a day, and very few of us would recognize a perfect adult if we saw him or her. (How many of us can say we examine ourselves as Heaven would examine us? Probably those who talk about it don’t do it, and those who do it don’t talk about it.)

Many good parents have trouble making that adjustment, because there is no fat black line that tells a parent when to step in and when to hold back and let the child take his or her own falls. It is one of the great worries of parenthood: “am I being too controlling or am I being too lax? How much responsibility should I give him/her, and how much protection from harm? How much should I or should I not help when things go badly for him/her?” It is also hard for many parents to differentiate their child’s choices from their own success at a parent. Many parents believe that their child is evidence of their success as a parent, as if someone with good parents is incapable of making a poor choice!

This is particularly true for perfectionists of the type who do not think anyone else in the world does things “right.” Why don’t they trust their adult child’s judgment? Easy! Because they don’t trust the judgment of anyone at all, excepting themselves! If your parent is like that and doesn’t trust you, well, they trust you as much as some of the most admirable people either of you know! (You may as well laugh, because otherwise you’ll cry…)

See, most of the time it’s not that she’ll try to talk me out of it. It’s more, if I said I won’t answer the phone between 2 and 4, she’d call at 1:59 every single day.

Children do this all of the time…that is (with apologies to the lawyers reading this), they become little “attorneys” who take every advantage they can find that is within the “letter of the law.” It is one of the temptations of human nature. It is unfortunate, but it is a way to test the “law-giver.” If your mother does this, accept that she does and make your “rules” accordingly. (For instance, “I’m not available to talk to you between 2 and 4 pm,” instead of “Don’t call between 2 pm and 4 pm,” and then if she calls at 1:59, you only allow the call to last 1 minute, then you say “oops, it’s 2 pm! Talk to you another time, Mom! Gotta go! Bye!”)

I’m honestly not sure there is such a thing. Not that I don’t know what it is, but that I’m not sure the possibility exists at all.

Or if there is, I feel like what she wants is an obedient daughter. Our conflicts feel to me less about the actual issue and more about me doing things she dislikes.

The word obedient comes from the Latin, from “ob” meaning “to” and “audire” meaning to “listen” or to “hear.” It may not be reasonable to ask yourself to be obedient in the way that she means the word (because by “listen,” she may mean “agree with what you hear from me, and act according to what I meant, even if that is not what I said”). What you can do, however, is to do your best to listen to her as fully as you can, and try to understand her as well as you can–the words she says, the body language, the timing, what you think she means, how you think she understands the situation. That is a great gift.

To listen to her doesn’t mean you’ll do everything she says. Obedience to God requires that, because God is always right. Your mother, however, is not God. True listening may not be anything like enough to please her. Still, if you do your best to hear what she says and do what you can both to please her and remain true to your own right to autonomy and adult self-determination, you will have done well. You will have given her what you would want your adult child to give you, and you will not go without a reward for that. If she tries to run a guilt trip on you after that, you can take it as you would a faulty smoke detector: an unfortunate annoyance, but nothing to get your fight-or-flight response going. It will take a lot of practice to walk that line and it may never get easy, but I think if you try that, you’ll learn that you can hand your mother’s issues to God each night, ask for forgiveness and care from Heaven for all, and sleep like a baby.

 

[DarkLight]

Let’s look at one short definition Melody Beattie uses for co-dependence:
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

IOW, the dependent person behaving in a self-destructive way, and the co-dependent has a life that revolves around compensating for those destructive behaviors by prevention or damage control. The co-dependent is controlling out of misguided effort at self-preservation and preservation of the person who is destroying his or her life, relationships, and future through dependence on drugs or alcohol.

What made me think of this is that my mother often seems to see self-destructive behavior in my life that I just don’t think is there. She’s dead convinced that my wardrobe is going to prevent me from ever getting a good job. She always feels like I’m not doing the right things to take care of my health. She acts like I have a drinking problem if I mention enjoying a beer after dinner at home. She ascribes my unwillingness to talk religion with her to an irrational rejection of logic. Generally it feels like she’s trying to find some proof that I’m ruining my life without her.

Children do this all of the time…that is (with apologies to the lawyers reading this), they become little “attorneys” who take every advantage they can find that is within the “letter of the law.” It is one of the temptations of human nature. It is unfortunate, but it is a way to test the “law-giver.” If your mother does this, accept that she does and make your “rules” accordingly. (For instance, “I’m not available to talk to you between 2 and 4 pm,” instead of “Don’t call between 2 pm and 4 pm,” and then if she calls at 1:59, you only allow the call to last 1 minute, then you say “oops, it’s 2 pm! Talk to you another time, Mom! Gotta go! Bye!”)

Honestly I just…don’t want to play that sort of game with an adult. The boundaries we’re talking about aren’t quite so black and white. We’re talking, say, I finally tell her she needs to STOP criticizing my outfits because I’m tired of the topic and it’s frankly ridiculous. So she’ll stop directly saying anything, but then she’ll come up gushing about how she loved my old haircut. Or go on about how she saw “such a beautiful pink dress, it would look so wonderful on you, and would make your wardrobe so much less boring!” Or start telling me stories about how some kid wore an outfit that resembles mine to work and ended up getting fired for it. Or repeat that story again about how I was 10 and told her I wore a particular outfit just to annoy her because she knows I don’t like it. And the whole time I’m thinking “can’t you just let it drop so we can have a real conversation instead of you standing there insulting me?”

Unless the boundary is 100% black and white so that there’s no conceivable possible room for interpretation, it’s going to be a battle. And most boundaries aren’t that black and white.

 

[Xantippe]

What made me think of this is that my mother often seems to see self-destructive behavior in my life that I just don’t think is there. She’s dead convinced that my wardrobe is going to prevent me from ever getting a good job. She always feels like I’m not doing the right things to take care of my health. She acts like I have a drinking problem if I mention enjoying a beer after dinner at home. She ascribes my unwillingness to talk religion with her to an irrational rejection of logic. Generally it feels like she’s trying to find some proof that I’m ruining my life without her.

Honestly I just…don’t want to play that sort of game with an adult. The boundaries we’re talking about aren’t quite so black and white. We’re talking, say, I finally tell her she needs to STOP criticizing my outfits because I’m tired of the topic and it’s frankly ridiculous. So she’ll stop directly saying anything, but then she’ll come up gushing about how she loved my old haircut. Or go on about how she saw “such a beautiful pink dress, it would look so wonderful on you, and would make your wardrobe so much less boring!” Or start telling me stories about how some kid wore an outfit that resembles mine to work and ended up getting fired for it. Or repeat that story again about how I was 10 and told her I wore a particular outfit just to annoy her because she knows I don’t like it. And the whole time I’m thinking “can’t you just let it drop so we can have a real conversation instead of you standing there insulting me?”

Unless the boundary is 100% black and white so that there’s no conceivable possible room for interpretation, it’s going to be a battle. And most boundaries aren’t that black and white.

Do you ever have those “real conversations”?

Are your interactions 85% good and 15% terrible or 85% terrible and 15% good?

Frankly, to me your mom sounds more than a little nuts and controlling. I think you may need to substantially lower your expectations for conversations with her.

 

[DarkLight]

Do you ever have those “real conversations”?

Are your interactions 85% good and 15% terrible or 85% terrible and 15% good?

Frankly, to me your mom sounds more than a little nuts and controlling. I think you may need to substantially lower your expectations for conversations with her.

Not very often. We talk about kittens and the weather and cooking and other such neutral topics. Honestly at this point I would be happy if she would restrict herself to those. Conversations are sort of on edge because I feel like I never know when she’s going to jump on me for something. I pretty much try to avoid anything that would bring us into contact for more than a phone call, because physical proximity makes it near impossible to get away.

 

[EasterJoy]

What made me think of this is that my mother often seems to see self-destructive behavior in my life that I just don’t think is there. She’s dead convinced that my wardrobe is going to prevent me from ever getting a good job. She always feels like I’m not doing the right things to take care of my health. She acts like I have a drinking problem if I mention enjoying a beer after dinner at home. She ascribes my unwillingness to talk religion with her to an irrational rejection of logic. Generally it feels like she’s trying to find some proof that I’m ruining my life without her.

This is what controlling people do: that is, try to make a case that the people they want to control would fall apart, if those people didn’t have the Controller there butting in. She’s making excuses for why you ought to do what she wants instead of what you want. Obviously you ought to be able to make your own choices, so she has to make some case that your choice isn’t good enough in order to give herself the right to insert hers.

One strategy is to not take the advice seriously, and even to joke about it. I know many people who joke with family members about their deep differences in opinion. The busybodies don’t like it, but sometimes they do back off because (as St. Thomas More put it), “The devil, the proud spirit, cannot endure to be mocked.” The same is true of proud people, generally. They don’t do well when their self-congratulatory attitude is found amusing, so they withdraw.

The other is (unfortunately) to talk about yourself as little as humanly possible. You can do so without saying why, or you can fend off personal questions by saying, “Mother, I’m tired of being criticized, so I’m not talking about myself around you. Not about what I eat, not about who my friends are, nothing. I’ve tried to let you know I don’t like your nitpicking, but you just don’t get it, so I’m pulling up the drawbridge.” Expect her to criticize you about that, too, but at least she’ll be assaulting something you know is right for you and that she just doesn’t like. Stick to your guns, though. If she wears you down once, she’ll get the idea that effort will wear you down. You do not want that!!!

Honestly I just…don’t want to play that sort of game with an adult. The boundaries we’re talking about aren’t quite so black and white. We’re talking, say, I finally tell her she needs to STOP criticizing my outfits because I’m tired of the topic and it’s frankly ridiculous. So she’ll stop directly saying anything, but then she’ll come up gushing about how she loved my old haircut. Or go on about how she saw “such a beautiful pink dress, it would look so wonderful on you, and would make your wardrobe so much less boring!” Or start telling me stories about how some kid wore an outfit that resembles mine to work and ended up getting fired for it. Or repeat that story again about how I was 10 and told her I wore a particular outfit just to annoy her because she knows I don’t like it. And the whole time I’m thinking “can’t you just let it drop so we can have a real conversation instead of you standing there insulting me?”

Unless the boundary is 100% black and white so that there’s no conceivable possible room for interpretation, it’s going to be a battle. And most boundaries aren’t that black and white.

Then don’t battle. She has earned a blunt and unbending approach, because whenever she’s gotten an inch, she’s taken a mile. It is the bed she’s made, and she can lie in it. It will not hurt her, and it is not uncharitable to take away opportunities to offend.

“I don’t need to hear my wardrobe is boring, Mother. I do not need to go through life only hearing a compliment about a haircut I used to have–compliments I never heard when I actually HAD the haircut, if you remember, because I do. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all…No, no ‘I just thought’. The thing to say when you offend someone is ‘I didn’t mean to offend you’ and when you’ve apologized, you drop it. I’ve hit my limit, I’ve had enough of arguing with you. So again, if you don’t have anything to say to me when you can’t say you don’t like how I do things, I guess we’re done talking.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Not very often. We talk about kittens and the weather and cooking and other such neutral topics. Honestly at this point I would be happy if she would restrict herself to those. Conversations are sort of on edge because I feel like I never know when she’s going to jump on me for something. I pretty much try to avoid anything that would bring us into contact for more than a phone call, because physical proximity makes it near impossible to get away.

This is not uncharitable and it is not an offense against the honor due to a parent. It is the natural consequence of the way she has chosen to treat you in spite of abundant feedback that her approach with you has been hurtful. If you choose to spend time with her, either on the phone or in person, you can count what you endure as a penance you did nothing to deserve and offer it up on behalf of the poor souls who have no one to do penance for them.

 

[jmcrae]

What made me think of this is that my mother often seems to see self-destructive behavior in my life that I just don’t think is there. She’s dead convinced that my wardrobe is going to prevent me from ever getting a good job.

With regard to that, wardrobe does have a huge part to play in our working lives, and most companies have at least an unspoken dress code, if not an actual formal dress code - so at some level, she may actually have a point, although she’s most likely over-reacting in your particular case.

With regard to that, what you want to do is dress like the person whose job you want. Dressing in pink won’t get you anything that pays very well. I actually don’t personally know anybody who dresses in pink. The last person I saw dressed in pink was fundraising for breast cancer.

But the other side of that is that you have to dress for yourself and for your own goals. If you want a job as a commercial artist or as a computer programmer, the “uniform” seems to be black pants/skirt and black top, not too “frilly.”

If you want to be a receptionist or an office manager, calf-length dresses in autumn or winter colours seem to be the norm.

Everything else I can think of takes a uniform of some kind.

Anyway, this is off-topic, but I wanted to give you some ammunition for next time the subject comes up.

 

[DarkLight]

The field I’m in, last I checked, the dress code seemed to be “just leave the marijuana leaf shirt at home please?” They’re just impressed I managed to put on an actual nice skirt.

Seriously, my mother complains that her daughter wears skirts instead of shorts. That one just makes me feel like I’ve stepped in bizarro world.

 

[Xantippe]

The field I’m in, last I checked, the dress code seemed to be “just leave the marijuana leaf shirt at home please?” They’re just impressed I managed to put on an actual nice skirt.

Seriously, my mother complains that her daughter wears skirts instead of shorts. That one just makes me feel like I’ve stepped in bizarro world.

My husband once attended a talk given by a star in your field where the keynote speaker (male) appeared in a Hawaiian shirt. I also seem to recall hearing about a recent talk where the female speaker was barefoot.

So, yeah, there is a fair amount of latitude in dress, and eccentricity is expected. Going on the job market and being up for tenure will require more conservative attire (a lot of men suddenly discover the jacket and tie in the 365 days before their tenure meeting), but you really do have a fair amount of freedom in everyday life.

 

[EasterJoy]

With regard to that, wardrobe does have a huge part to play in our working lives, and most companies have at least an unspoken dress code, if not an actual formal dress code - so at some level, she may actually have a point, although she’s most likely over-reacting in your particular case.

With regard to that, what you want to do is dress like the person whose job you want. Dressing in pink won’t get you anything that pays very well. I actually don’t personally know anybody who dresses in pink. The last person I saw dressed in pink was fundraising for breast cancer.

But the other side of that is that you have to dress for yourself and for your own goals. If you want a job as a commercial artist or as a computer programmer, the “uniform” seems to be black pants/skirt and black top, not too “frilly.”

If you want to be a receptionist or an office manager, calf-length dresses in autumn or winter colours seem to be the norm.

Everything else I can think of takes a uniform of some kind.

Anyway, this is off-topic, but I wanted to give you some ammunition for next time the subject comes up.

The ammunition she needs is, “Thank you for your concern, but I can choose my own wardrobe without your advice, Mom.” It is not as if her mother buys her clothes for her, and so gets a vote.

 

[DarkLight]

My husband once attended a talk given by a star in your field where the keynote speaker (male) appeared in a Hawaiian shirt. I also seem to recall hearing about a recent talk where the female speaker was barefoot.

So, yeah, there is a fair amount of latitude in dress, and eccentricity is expected. Going on the job market and being up for tenure will require more conservative attire (a lot of men suddenly discover the jacket and tie in the 365 days before their tenure meeting), but you really do have a fair amount of freedom in everyday life.

Last spring I saw a talk with a very big name wearing a purple plaid top, unbuttoned down to his chest with no undershirt, with the sleeves unbuttoned and hanging loose Not rolled up mind, just hanging there. My field will forgive about anything if you can write a good paper.

Seriously, my default work wardrobe is a black skirt of some variety and a niceish dark-toned top, along with dyed black hair. Does tend towards monochrome, which is what my mother complains about - but really my basic wardrobe would be acceptable in a far more conservative industry than I’m actually in. I don’t know of any employer that would care if my wardrobe is lacking in light tones.

x

The ammunition she needs is, “Thank you for your concern, but I can choose my own wardrobe without your advice, Mom.” It is not as if her mother buys her clothes for her, and so gets a vote.

Yeah with someone like my mother that’s probably the right response. Though I’ve had some luck with the spock stare…quietly look at her with one eyebrow raised. But seriously, with someone like her justifying your position is really only an invitation to discuss it more. And the conversation’s going to end with the dreaded “well you’ll realize I was right when you get older,” no matter what arguments you put forth. I really hate that phrase.

 

[oneofmany]

The ammunition she needs is, “Thank you for your concern, but I can choose my own wardrobe without your advice, Mom.” It is not as if her mother buys her clothes for her, and so gets a vote.

Actually, the best deflection for that is to say, “you may have a point, I will think about it.” SEE be noncommittal without actually in her face. Nothing she can say back. Then keep saying, “I will think about it.” Broken record is a great thing. LOL

 

[DarkLight]

Actually, the best deflection for that is to say, “you may have a point, I will think about it.” SEE be noncommittal without actually in her face. Nothing she can say back. Then keep saying, “I will think about it.” Broken record is a great thing. LOL

“I don’t want you to think about it, I want you to do something about it.”
“Uhuh that just means you’re blowing me off”
“You said that last time, you’ve had plenty of time to think”

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

“I don’t want you to think about it, I want you to do something about it.”
“Uhuh that just means you’re blowing me off”
“You said that last time, you’ve had plenty of time to think”

I think that reading this made my blood pressure go up a bit.