Wedding Dilemma: Our child isn't invited to the wedding reception... should we attend?

[Warrior1979]

In certain areas, it is common practice not to invite children.

The main reason is often costs. In some areas, the reception is typically held at a commercial catering hall or restaurant, and cost is per person. By simply inviting children the cost could increase 50%-100%. That becomes significantly, especially if one is paying $75 or more a plate.

The other main reason is capacity. As an example, we had a reception at a nice waterfront restaurant…the owner’s were not good business people, and way undercharged us for this area. The restaurant simply didn’t have the capacity if we invited everyone’s children, and we weren’t going to change location and throw away a great deal on this basis.

With this said, in the end, it is up to the bride and groom, and one must respect their wishes.

 

[LaSainte]

Good advice here. Don’t ask of you can bring your daughter because it will force the couple into a very awkward position where they either have to say “no” or make an exception for you and tick off everyone else who wanted to bring their kids.

This is their day, which they are paying for. If they don’t want to spend $30 a plate for a bunch of kids to nibble at and then throw out, thats their prerogative I had a destination wedding (at the Vatican) and it really took away from the experience for us to have some people complaining about it to the point where we were even offered a large sum of money to have it at home.

Go under the parameters set by the bride and groom or don’t goat all. You don’t have to stay for the entire reception if you don’t want to leave your daughter overnight. Just stay for the wedding party stuff and then leave if it’s a big deal. The bride and groom are probably stressed out enough as it is without worrying about people being upset about the kids or the wedding party bailing on the wedding.

 

[JC_Nixon]

Although this has been pretty much and very well answered, just thought I would throw in my 2 cents.

First and foremost, as others have said, this situation has nothing whatsoever to do with being a CATHOLIC wedding or not.

Proper etiquette says that when you receive and invitation, wedding or otherwise, whoever the invitation is ADDRESSED to is invited. You don’t assume they meant to include your children, your relative who lives with you, the kid from down the street who you took in because his/her home life was poor . . . I am sure you get the picture. So if the invitation is addressed to Mr. & Mrs Jones, then ONLY Mr. & Mrs. Jones are invited. If it is addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Jones and children, then the children are also invited. To call the bride to be and ask if you can bring your child is rude and puts the bride in a VERY awkward position. If she makes an exception for you, then she has to make an exception for the next one who is rude enough to ask if they can bring an extra guest along.

In my growing up and young adult years, weddings were always adult only affairs. It was always understood. But if you didn’t understand that part, then proper etiquette dictates that only the addressees are invited. It is only within the last 15-20 years that people have been including children on a more regular basis, it was very rare in the past that children were ever included in a wedding invitation.

All that said, given the 4000 miles, your wife being VERY pregnant and the problem of care for your 18 month old, I would say decline. Since your wife had accepted the role of attendant (I presume it was before she became pregnant?) she should make a personal call and state that when she accepted the honor of being asked to be in the wedding party, she did not realize that she would be so late in her pregnancy at the time of the wedding and between that, the 4000 mile trip and lack of a babysitter for your child, she regretfully must decline. Likely her friend will be upset and maybe even angry, but if she is a true friend, she will understand.

 

[Joe_5859]

I agree that this is not a moral issue. They can certainly set the parameters for their wedding as they see fit. We may disagree (as I personally do), but that’s their prerogative.

I was in that situation when my son was 4 months old. I asked if the “no kids” extended to nursing infants. They said it did, so we didn’t go. If we were closer to the couple and/or part of the bridal party, it may have been different.

The last thing on my mind on my wedding day was whether or not there were kids running around the dance floor. But I can see why it might bother some people.

I would say that this decision belongs more to your wife than to you as she is part of the bridal party and it is her close friend that is getting married. If it were me and my wife really wanted to go, I would make any arrangement necessary to enable her to go (even if it meant me staying back with the kid while she went by herself).

That said, I think that the “no kids” stipulation is a pretty big thing to leave out when asking someone to travel 4000+ miles to be part of your wedding. I would probably ask about it (maybe they would be okay with you guys bringing your kid as she’s part of the bridal party ). But if it is genuinely a make-it-or-break-it thing, I think it’s understandable to back out, even though she is part of the wedding party. Asking someone who is traveling that great of a distance to suddenly leave their kid behind changes the logistics in a major way. But definitely let them know sooner rather than later, if that’s the course your wife wants to take.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

.

Meal and lodging costs can get prohibitive. In the case of a destination wedding, often the bride and groom foot a part or the entire bill for their guests. Children add to this cost.

Normally babies under 2 aren’t charged for lodging and or meals. My DS usually shares with me when we dine out.

If it were me and I had to travel 4000 + miles to be in a wedding, and having to leave the baby…I just would be truthful and say, “I’m sorry I just won’t be able to.” Then maybe send a fruit basket to their honeymoon suite.

 

[PaulinVA]

This is pretty simple. The bride and groom set the rules, and you decide whether they are acceptable.

Personal Opinion:Expecting parents to pay to travel 4000 miles and then hundreds more to be in your oh-so-perfect wedding and then leave their child(ren) with others so YOU are not inconvenienced is the height of selfishness. Or cluelessness.

 

[maryjk]

This is pretty simple. The bride and groom set the rules, and you decide whether they are acceptable.

Personal Opinion:Expecting parents to pay to travel 4000 miles and then hundreds more to be in your oh-so-perfect wedding and then leave their child(ren) with others so YOU are not inconvenienced is the height of selfishness. Or cluelessness.

It is pretty simple. The OP’s wife knew she would have to travel 4000 miles to be in the wedding. She said yes. She knew the bride was lukewarm in her faith. She still said yes.

But now because she found out that the bride and groom don’t want to pay for meals for everyone’s children, the OP is upset. It isn’t the bride being selfish or clueless. It is the OP.

Meals cost money. If it is a sit down dinner, the bride and groom may be being charged “per head.” That means for EVERY person at the reception, there is a charge. If you bring your child, then everyone brings their children. That adds up pretty quickly.

What should have happened, was then the bride asked the OP’s wife to be in the wedding, the OP’s wife should have said no. Or at least asked about children. I have been to too many weddings where the wife is in the wedding and the husband is too busy having fun to take care of the children. The children end up running wild. I don’t blame the bride in the least.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

She is a bridesmaid. As far as the shower it is something thrown for the bride prior to the wedding. It does not include the groom.

They strip the bride and shove her under the fawcet

No, a shower is a pre-wedding party to collect gifts for the bride. It’s traditionally organized by a friend of the bride, not the bride herself or the family, hence the ‘tacky’ comments about receiving the shower invitation with the wedding invitation. In my day it was often a ‘kitchen shower’ and gifts were less expensive articles to use in the kitchen: tea towels, mixing bowls, etc. Today shower gifts can be lingerie, gift cards to major stores, etc.

Sometimes the shower includes the groom and his friends and in that case power tools might be part of the gifts. That said, when my goddaughter’s friend had a ‘just girls’ shower for her, power tools were high on the list of things suggested. She’s the repair person in the family.

“Stand-up at a wedding” is a term used for someone who will be in the wedding party, in this case either as maid/matron-of-honour or bridesmaid.

joanofarc2008 and Phemie thanks for your replies. We have the same but under different names. Thanks again for the info!

 

[Matthew_Holford]

should you attend? only if you care about the couple, want to be in the wedding, and want to participate in the reception, on the terms they set.

would I as a young parent want to? no but that is up to you

what we did do in similar situations is enlist teen and preteen relatives to act as babysitters during the actual event, but close by in case we were needed by babies and preschoolers. whether you are willing to undergo the extra time and expense is up to you. Personally the extra expense entailed in a “destination” wedding is an unreasonable burden I would not undertake unless I actually wanted to go to that destination at that time. You can always use the travelling during pregnancy excuse if you need one.

someday someone might get the courage to respond to such an invitation (including shower with reception is tacky time) with “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith regret they were unable to obtain a second mortgage to cover the highly overpriced and ugly bridesmaid dress, airfare and pricey accommodation at the “romantic wedding destination” and the associated costs, including the extortionate demands for gifts.”

ps. this is so NOT about a sacrament

Do American bridesmaids pay for their own bridesmaids’ dresses? Or, have I misunderstood what you’re saying?

 

[joanofarc2008]

Do American bridesmaids pay for their own bridesmaids’ dresses? Or, have I misunderstood what you’re saying?

Some do, some don’t - it is up to the bride. Now adays most do. That is why most brides are starting to let them pick their own styles, etc with some stipulations. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses as I picked the whole style and color thing.

 

[Corki]

I think it’s fine for a wedding couple to stipulate no children. It’s a personal choice.

However, I wouldn’t leave a 18 month old for more than a few hours. And, I wouldn’t travel cross country in the latter stages of pregnancy. Probably, I would cancel with regrets and send an extra nice wedding present (you’ll be saving all that money from the trip).

This is what I was thinking. Not that they have to send out a notice to everyone who might be thinking of bringing kids but she’s in the bridal party. It was very rude of the bride not to speak to her privately but let her find out by way of the invitation.

That being said, this isn’t a Catholic issue. There’s nothing particularly Catholic about having a wedding reception without kids.

But a couple of points. Anyone can go to the wedding itself. If you want to make the trip with your little one, you can bring her to the weddding itself.

If the wedding is large or if there are lots of out-of-town guests, you can ask the bride what arrangements there are for child care. Most brides who make the “no kids” rule also have something lined up in that regard. Maybe she didn’t think of it, like she didn’t think to tell your wife about the no kids rule, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

In the end, it’s all about logistics and what works for your family. I took my almost 2 year old to a wedding of a family member. At that event, kids were welcome at the reception but the rehersal dinner was an adult affair. Some distant cousins were enlisted to watch the kids during the rehersal dinner and it worked out beautifully. If there had not been such an arrangement, my husband and I would have used the “divide and conquer” method - one go to the dinner and one watch the baby.

If you really want to make the trip and your wife has her heart set on going to the reception, you can always take your daughter to the wedding itself and then let your wife go to the reception while you watch your child. You may even find there are other couples there in the same boat and you may be able to arrange a trade-off.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

Some do, some don’t - it is up to the bride. Now adays most do. That is why most brides are starting to let them pick their own styles, etc with some stipulations. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses as I picked the whole style and color thing.

Thanks joanofarc2008! That’s 3 new things I’ve learned today.

As for the OP I have to agree with the gist of most replies. The wedding is for the couple to arrange not their guests. To raise this issue now after accepting the invite is extremely inappropriate. These things should have been considered before accepting an invitation to go.

 

[Corki]

Do American bridesmaids pay for their own bridesmaids’ dresses? Or, have I misunderstood what you’re saying?

I have had to pay for my dress every time I have been a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I have had to pay for my dress every time I have been a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor.

Again I have been too kind.

 

[happymommy]

maybe if they explain about not being able to leave the baby, the couple will allow her to come. We had this with DH’s cousin. They didn’t want any children there. I was still nursing our 6 month old daughter at the time. I explained that I wouldn’t be able to leave her all day. I told them that I would stay home with the kids and DH would be at the wedding, but they called and said for us to bring the baby so I could be there for the wedding too. We left our toddler at home with my mother.

This October, my nephew is getting married and none of our children are invited. I was a little surprised as he loves our kids, but understand that the cost adds up quickly. So we will leave the kids with my MIL for the night as the wedding is a couple hours away.

 

[happymommy]

I have had to pay for my dress every time I have been a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor.

yeah, me too and they have been some really ugly dresses! And I was told " you can wear it again "

 

[Cristiano]

I think that by its simple definition of a Catholic wedding everybody is invited to the wedding children included. When it comes to the reception, than it is up to the groom and bride.

I also think that a lot of people forget what the main purpose of marriage is and so they tend to celebrate the event for itself but not for its goal. I am not surprised that a lot of people are confused about gay marriage, it seems that a lot of Catholics are too.

Going back to the purpose of marriage I wonder if we can participate to someone’s else marriage by forgetting about the purpose of our own marriage (raising a family) and leaving the children behind. Is it that really honoring our covenant?

I would simply talk to the bride and first ask if the child is invited or not, and then make a decision to participate depending on the answer. If the children are not invited I would refuse to go.

I understand that the costs of a reception can go up by inviting children; however, a budget is also a reflection of individual priorities and beliefs.

 

[JRKH]

(Snip)

Going back to the purpose of marriage I wonder if we can participate to someone’s else marriage by forgetting about the purpose of our own marriage (raising a family) and leaving the children behind. Is it that really honoring our covenant?

(Snip)

1. We don’t go to another person’s wedding to “participate” in their marriage. We go to celebrate their wedding with them.
2. If we left our small children alone with no supervision to go to a party then yes we would be failing to honor our covenant.
3. Every parent, including Catholics, will choose at some point in their lives to leave their children with family or a babysitter to go out just by themselves. That is a part of taking care of themselves so that they can take care of their children…
   If the event happens to be a wedding…

Peace
James

 

[angelsdefendus]

I wanted to clarify a few points, and I also wanted to thank you ALL for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I appreciate the open and honest discussion.

• What created such an emotional response out of me was that the invitation came and it was a “surprise” that our daughter wasnt invited. My wife is a very loving and kind person and very non-confrontational. She is very much of the mind that we should just “suck up” our personal beliefs and go. It isn’t a go/no-go situation for her… she agrees with me, but thinks it would be so wrong of us not to attend.

• I do very much think this is a Catholic question. I do agree that there is “etiquette” that dictates weddings, but I think that Catholic Faith trumps etiquette. That being said, this isn’t me trying to FORCE the Bride and Groom to think as we do. They can do whatever they like, this is about how our family chooses to honor and celebrate Marriage.

• I think that a wedding reception can very much be an adult affair if a family chooses to do so. I also think that a Bride and Groom can make that choice as well. Obviously I am of the mind that children should be included regardless. I think the argument that Children shouldn’t come to the Church for the actual Sacrament is ridiculous and I would disagree that the B&G should be able to dictate that.

• This to me really is a statement about the Faith. We aren’t trying to dictate the B&G’s belief on anything, except to say that our personal actions are a testament to our belief on Family, Life, Children, and what that means. Sure, I believe in time for just my wife and myself. In fact, we just left our daughter for an entire day with someone so that we could go bear hunting together. That being said, I think that Marriage and Weddings shouldn’t be about a day, or a party, or an event, but they should be a statement about what marriage is - especially in today’s world where we constantly are talking about weddings and what marriage is or isnt.

• I believe that what we do and support is indicative of how we feel about something. To me this isn’t about what some etiquette book says. I worry about what it says that we are willing to celebrate a wedding where the couple sees people as an: “extra cost” and “inconvenience” “bothersome” “loud” “disruptive” etc… With statistics that hover around 85% of Catholics using artificial contraception it is hard to look past the fact that the same “reasons” for not inviting kids to the wedding reception are used when justifying the use of contraception. I just have a hard time with that, I think it is a corollary and I just dont know if that is right.

-Joe

 

[puzzleannie]

Do American bridesmaids pay for their own bridesmaids’ dresses? Or, have I misunderstood what you’re saying?

oh yeah, and they may or may not be invited by the bride to participate in choosing the dress

we have a reality TV show called Bridezillas

for the record, a Catholic wedding in a Catholic Church is public worship and open to anyone

OP’s issue seems to be more about the reception which has nothing much to do with the sacrament itself and is a cultural thing. Would it be great if everyone’s wedding reception reflected their Catholic values? sure, but it can’t be dictated, go or don’t go, it is up to you but there is nothing you say or do that will change what the bride has planned.