I would look at this more theologically and financially. From a theological and liturgical perspective, there are three rites where children under the age of reason (which varies) can legitimately be excluded: matrimony, ordination and religious profession of vows. These rites focus on adults, not on the entire community. Only adults can really appreciate them; therefore, only adults can really participate in the rite itself. A child at a wedding, ordination or religious profession may be interested for a few minutes or at a few points during the ritual, because something different happens. I have always felt sorry for little kids who are part of the wedding party and have to stand and sit through the mass and wedding rite. Most of them become confused and bored, because they don’t understand what it’s all about. You really need to reach a certain cognitive stage to understand in the simplest terms, not even in very complex terms. Heck, most adults don’t understand the rites, if a theologian or a liturgist stood up and talked you through it in theological and canonical jargon. That’s why it’s not done. You hope and pray that the adults who attend have had proper religious education, if they are Catholic. If they are not, you hope that they have done a little research to understand.
I’m speaking from personal experience… Before I was a religious, I was a widowed father of two very young children. They are now independent adults. No matter how much I tried to explain these three liturgical celebrations to them, they did not understand them until later years and not at the same time either. My daughter got that “I get it look” on her face at about age eight.” My son did not "get it” until about age 10. Not all children reach the same cognitive stage at the same age.
There is also the financial concern. That’s really about the reception, not the liturgy. Often, there is a fee per guest and they do include children as young as toddlers, even if your child eats like a bird. These fees are hefty. They can range anywhere from $50 per guest to $300 per guest. It depends on what you’re serving and where you’re holding your reception.
I’m not a big fan of $20,000.00 wedding receptions. However, that’s the reality. There is nothing immoral about it as long as one is not committing an injustice in order to pay for an expensive reception.
To close, I’d like to share a little story about my religious investiture and profession. When I was invested and 10-years later, when I made perpetual vows, my family and friends attended both masses. This included friends, siblings, my children and nephews and nieces. We’re a large family and everyone is Jewish, except for my children and my mother who was alive at the time. My mother and I are converts. I do have many Catholic in-laws. Half of my cousins, nephews and nieces are married to Catholics. The Jews had done their homework and had an understanding of the rite of investiture and the rite of profession. They knew what to expect and what the different elements meant better than the Catholics. The Catholics more or less knew or they learned as the mass proceeded, because they could hear the prayers, which actually describe what is happening.
I remember three things very clearly. The one moment during the investiture that caught the kids’ attention was the actual divesting. We literally strip down to a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, no shoes, socks or long pants are allowed with the habit. They ARE real shorts, not under clothes.
During the solemn profession, just before you make your profession of vows, you prostrate while the community chants the Litany of Saints. Those were the only parts that caught the children’s attention. The rest of the time I could hear behind me, as my family was sitting in the front pews, “Is it almost over?” “When is it going to be over?”
I also remember 2 other cute moments. After the investiture ceremony, my grand nephews and nieces came running, “Uncle Mike!” I recall my sister saying to her grandchildren, “It’s uncle Jason Richard.” One little button, who was about four said, “No grandma’ it’s not. It’s Uncle Mike.”
I also remember my friend’s grandson asking me, “Dr. Mike, why did that man make you take off your clothes?” Again, his parents said, “It’s not Dr. Mike. It’s Brother Jason Richard.” The little kid looked at me and said, “Why aren’t you Dr. Mike now?”
There was another little story at my solemn profession. One of the little kids asked why we were laying on the floor. I believe that it was my Jewish sister (RIP) who said, “It means that you’re dying so that you can become a new person.” The kid said, “But they didn’t die. They all got up when the singing stopped.”
From my personal experience and my understanding of the theology behind marriage, ordination and religious profession, I can fully understand not including the younger children, because they don’t understand, even when it’s explained to them and there is no role for them in the ritual itself. Even in a wedding, there is no liturgical role for the flower girls and pages. That’s really window dressing. Besides the couple and the deacon or priest, the only other people who have a role are the witnesses, because they stand in place of the State. The deacon or priest and congregation witness for the Church.
I don’t say that we should not include children at these events. I have. I would say that these are adult rituals and not including children is not theologically, liturgically or pastorally out of order. It’s nice to have them there, because you want your family and friends there. However, if it means that you have to host them at a very expensive reception following the ceremony, I can understand excluding them. It is not unfair to do so or contrary to what the Church teaches about these sacraments and rituals.
Fraternally,
Br. JR, OSF
Each dinner plate used over a certain number was an additional charge.
…i would not let anyone look after my daughter if she was 18 months old
they prob only got certain amount of money to spend on wedding…which is understandable