Wedding Dilemma: Our child isn't invited to the wedding reception... should we attend?

[WhatMeWorry]

It is only within the last 15-20 years that people have been including children on a more regular basis, it was very rare in the past that children were ever included in a wedding invitation.

This must be based on customs in your area. In my area of the midwest, weddings and receptions have always been family affairs. If the entire family wasn’t invited, people would have thought the bride and groom had completely lost their minds. It’s only been in the last few years around here that occasionally you’d hear about a more formal, adults only reception. It’s still relatively rare.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I strongly disagree with your initial point. If the children are not of the age of reason then for sure the are not capable to understand the sacraments of communion and confirmation either. I also want to emphasize that the children that grow in a family with two parents can have a clear understanding what a marriage is about and I doubt that a correlation between wedding and marriage is that difficult to explain.

And I do not think we have to worry about the OP’s partaking in the Sacraments of Eucharist and Confirmation right away either.

 

[Jennifer_J]

Because this is a destination wedding, the bride and groom to be needed to take that into account and if they wanted a child free reception, offered to provide babysitting at the site. Most people are not going to leave their toddlers for a weekend to attend a wedding. That’s a huge hardship on many families. It sounds like they didn’t give any of their guests or attendant party a second thought.

 

[EasterJoy]

I recently attended a Catholic wedding Mass and reception which were absolutely joyful and beautiful – the matron of honor was very pregnant…

Yes, it is OK for women in the wedding party to be obviously pregnant. When a friend is asked who will be far along by the wedding date, however, then travel distance becomes an issue. Even if the bridesmaid lives nearby, there has to be a Plan B in place, in case the mother-to-be finds herself on physician-ordered bed rest when the wedding day arrives.

 

[Joe_5859]

This must be based on customs in your area. In my area of the midwest, weddings and receptions have always been family affairs. If the entire family wasn’t invited, people would have thought the bride and groom had completely lost their minds. It’s only been in the last few years around here that occasionally you’d hear about a more formal, adults only reception. It’s still relatively rare.

Maybe it is a regional thing. Your experience is mine, too, but then I’m also from the Midwest. I’ve been invited to dozens of weddings in my life. Only one of those weddings (and this was only two years ago) was “adults only”. I never even knew that people did that until we got that invite two years ago.

 

[Cider]

My wife and I are invited to a wedding which will take place in a few months. The bride is my wife’s longtime & childhood friend. My wife is also supposed to “stand-up” in the wedding (wedding party).

The wedding is in our former home state and that means it is 4000+ miles away. It is also a semi-destination wedding, meaning that even when we fly back to our hometowns, the wedding is a few hundred miles away at a resort. The bride and groom both live where we used to live, so they are traveling to the wedding as well. My wife will be very pregnant at the time with #2, and so it will be quite an adventure just to get there

4000 miles by air plus a long car ride to the resort while being very pregnant and not able to bring my toddler. I’d have to give the bride a regretful ( but personally not to sorry) I’m sorry it just isn’t feasible. I don’t get why people think it’s fine for you to travel 0ver 4k miles to stand up for them at their wedding but not allow you small child there.

IMO selfish.

 

[Cider]

1. My wife and I also decided that a wedding is a good way for the adult guests to have a night out.

I don’t need other people to decide when I need a night away from my kids, thanks.

 

[Cristiano]

4000 miles by air plus a long car ride to the resort while being very pregnant and not able to bring my toddler. I’d have to give the bride a regretful ( but personally not to sorry)** I’m sorry it just isn’t feasible.** I don’t get why people think it’s fine for you to travel 0ver 4k miles to stand up for them at their wedding but not allow you small child there.

IMO selfish.

This is nonsense, I remember that when I was young pregnant women would walk 4,000 miles to attend a wedding, and children were invited because those pregnant women would walk with the toddlers on their shoulders too.

 

[JReducation]

I strongly disagree with your initial point. If the children are not of the age of reason then for sure the are not capable to understand the sacraments of communion and confirmation either. I also want to emphasize that the children that grow in a family with two parents can have a clear understanding what a marriage is about and I doubt that a correlation between wedding and marriage is that difficult to explain.

It was never the intention of the Church to include children in these three rituals. The Church places them under rituals and sacraments for adults.

The Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation are placed under the sacraments of initiation and as the rites for all the Christian faithful. The Church intended to include entire families, chidlren and adults. You will find this in the sacramental theology manuals used at seminaries, novitiates and religious theologates.

It is the intention of the Church that children grow up in a family with a mother and father, when possible, that they be exposed to the clergy and to religious. It was never her intention to include them in these rituals.

They are not unwelcome. That is not what is being said. What is being said is that these are liturgical celebrations for adults. Children are welcome, but there is no moral or pastroal obligation to include them, as there is in the Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation. This has been the unchanged position in ritual and sacraments for centuries, probably dating back before the Middle Ages. For a long time, children were not allowed to attend ordinations and religious profession of vows. I’m unsure when we started including children in the bridal part. That is definitely a Latin world custom. They are welcome, but there is nothing wrong with excluding them at these liturgical celebrations.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, OSF

 

[Julia_Mae]

Please let me know how you think we should handle this. I have a pretty good idea, but I wanted to see if anyone thinks vastly different about this than the ways my wife and I are thinking about it.

I have not read the other responses, but the first thought I had was: you (both of you) need to do what’s best for your family.

Between your wife’s pregnancy and the amount of travel and expense and having to solve the issue of where your daughter stays, I’m feeling like attending this wedding is so problematic and risky that I can’t say I’d entertain going at all. Matter of fact, I know I wouldn’t.

If your daughter is used to being away from you, like at a grandparent’s over night or something and you could leave her home for a day or two comfortably and if your wife were in say her 4th month of a robustly healthy pregnancy, then I’d say go ahead.

I just, as a mother, wouldn’t risk frightening my child at that age, much less putting my unborn child at risk to go to a wedding. I don’t care who’s wedding it was.

 

[SonCatcher]

angelsdefendus,

I’m new to the thread so apologies if this has been discussed already. There were many weddings among our friends before and after my wife and I married. We mostly attended them together until our first was born. Afterward, we decided that a wedding reception really is not the best place for a child to be since it can go long and usually has no activity of interest for him. Thus, one of us would attend (the one whose friend was getting married, usually) while the other stayed home with our child. Since then, there has only been one marriage where we both felt close enough to the couple that we both were compelled to attend. Fortunately, the kids (2 now) were old enough to entertain themselves at their aunt’s house (thankfully in the same city as the wedding).

Perhaps your wife could fly/drive alone to this one and you can have few days of exclusivity with your daughter. However, depending on just how far along your wife’s current pregnancy is, even she might need to bow out due to the travel risks.

 

[Irishgal49]

Do American bridesmaids pay for their own bridesmaids’ dresses? Or, have I misunderstood what you’re saying?

Yes American bridesmaids pay for their own dresses and everything else that they wear. Sometimes the bride gifts them with a necklace to wear but it is part of being in the wedding party. The man usually pay for their own tuxedos too.

 

[Irishgal49]

Maybe it is a regional thing. Your experience is mine, too, but then I’m also from the Midwest. I’ve been invited to dozens of weddings in my life. Only one of those weddings (and this was only two years ago) was “adults only”. I never even knew that people did that until we got that invite two years ago.

All the weddings I went to were “adults only” and/or a babysitter was provided. I provided a babysitter for the ceremony because I didn’t want children screaming through the wedding. I also made it clear that after 9 pm children were to leave…and with the drinking a few family members were doing that seemed a wise choice. It worked out well.

I would never ever travel late in pregnancy. Most airlines won’t fly you.

 

[Joe_5859]

All the weddings I went to were “adults only” and/or a babysitter was provided. I provided a babysitter for the ceremony because I didn’t want children screaming through the wedding. I also made it clear that after 9 pm children were to leave…and with the drinking a few family members were doing that seemed a wise choice. It worked out well.

I would never ever travel late in pregnancy. Most airlines won’t fly you.

Interesting. Providing childcare never even entered my mind in planning our wedding. Of course, neither did providing a “cookie table” which is the big thing around where I live now.

It is interesting to hear about varied people’s experiences are in this area. No wonder people end up with such different expectations.

 

[Cristiano]

It was never the intention of the Church to include children in these three rituals. The Church places them under rituals and sacraments for adults.

The Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation are placed under the sacraments of initiation and as the rites for all the Christian faithful. The Church intended to include entire families, chidlren and adults. You will find this in the sacramental theology manuals used at seminaries, novitiates and religious theologates.

It is the intention of the Church that children grow up in a family with a mother and father, when possible, that they be exposed to the clergy and to religious. It was never her intention to include them in these rituals.

They are not unwelcome. That is not what is being said. What is being said is that these are liturgical celebrations for adults. Children are welcome, but there is no moral or pastroal obligation to include them, as there is in the Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation. This has been the unchanged position in ritual and sacraments for centuries, probably dating back before the Middle Ages. For a long time, children were not allowed to attend ordinations and religious profession of vows. I’m unsure when we started including children in the bridal part. That is definitely a Latin world custom. They are welcome, but there is nothing wrong with excluding them at these liturgical celebrations.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, OSF

Thanks for the clarification. I was looking at it only from a logical aspect based on the age of reason of the child and his capability of understanding what is going on but I was missing the whole other aspect that you described.

 

[quiet52]

It was never the intention of the Church to include children in these three rituals. The Church places them under rituals and sacraments for adults.
The Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation are placed under the sacraments of initiation and as the rites for all the Christian faithful. The Church intended to include entire families, chidlren and adults. You will find this in the sacramental theology manuals used at seminaries, novitiates and religious theologates.

It is the intention of the Church that children grow up in a family with a mother and father, when possible, that they be exposed to the clergy and to religious. It was never her intention to include them in these rituals.

They are not unwelcome. That is not what is being said. What is being said is that these are liturgical celebrations for adults. Children are welcome, but there is no moral or pastroal obligation to include them, as there is in the Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation. This has been the unchanged position in ritual and sacraments for centuries, probably dating back before the Middle Ages. For a long time, children were not allowed to attend ordinations and religious profession of vows. I’m unsure when we started including children in the bridal part. That is definitely a Latin world custom. They are welcome, but there is nothing wrong with excluding them at these liturgical celebrations.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, OSF

Brother, how do you know this to be true? References please?

 

[EasterJoy]

IMO selfish.

I think that “not fully aware of the logistical problems involved” might be more like it. Selfishness and ignorance are not the same thing.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes American bridesmaids pay for their own dresses and everything else that they wear. Sometimes the bride gifts them with a necklace to wear but it is part of being in the wedding party. The man usually pay for their own tuxedos too.

Not always, but yes, that seems to be the norm. We felt that it wasn’t fair to ask the wedding party to pay for a garment they would not wear on any day except our wedding day. Since we could manage to pay for the dresses for the bridesmaids and rent the suits for the gentlemen, we did that. Let’s just say that the wedding party was not insulted that they weren’t allowed to buy their own, so the practice is not cemented into the protocol.

 

[Phemie]

Maybe it is a regional thing. Your experience is mine, too, but then I’m also from the Midwest. I’ve been invited to dozens of weddings in my life. Only one of those weddings (and this was only two years ago) was “adults only”. I never even knew that people did that until we got that invite two years ago.

It must be regional because we weren’t invited to most weddings my parents attended and they attended many. The only two in which we were included were the weddings of cousins, one local when I was about 9, one out of town, my godfather’s, when I was 11. We weren’t even included when I was 8 and my godmother/cousin who lived next door got married.

I’ve never received a wedding invitation that included our children and I would have been quite surprised to see one that did.

When DD got married, OTOH, they specifically included young family members on the invitations that went out to SIL’s cousins. Nobody she invited from our side of the family had young children. She also paid the $1000+ to bring her maid-of-honour to the city where she was getting married (not a destination wedding, they married where they were living) and told that friend to buy any dress she wanted as long as it was a darkish blue (in that she modelled me, I’d just told my maid-of-honour to pick whatever she already had in her closet).

 

[JReducation]

Thanks for the clarification. I was looking at it only from a logical aspect based on the age of reason of the child and his capability of understanding what is going on but I was missing the whole other aspect that you described.

You’re very welcome.

Brother, how do you know this to be true? References please?

You’ll have to ask my novice master and go back and read all those books and tracts that he made us read from the ritual books.

However, the best reference that I can give you is the actual practice. If we look at the Eastern Churches and some dioceses in the Latin Church too, it helps to understand the practice and the history. Baptism, Eucharist and Confirmation all took place at the same time. Gradually, the Latin Church spaced them out. The parents and at least one witness stand for the child. It is a family event. This practice probably dates back to the time of the Apostles when they converted the heads of households and proceeded to initiate everyone in the home. The first known case was Cornelius.

Weddings, Ordinations and Religious Professions are, by the very matter that is being celebrated, adult rituals. Children do not get married, do not become clerics and do not become consecrated religious. These rites are all about the specific vocation that is being celebrated: Married State, Clerical State or the Consecrated State. Children cannot be called to these states until he is adult enough to freely and consciously consent. This is where reason enters the equation. You need reason in order to consent.

A child cannot get married nor can a child be a witness to a marriage. The couple does the marrying. They must be adults. The ordinary witness is a cleric or another adult whom the bishop designates, such as a catechist in a mission can be an extraordinary witness to the wedding. The State requires a witness. These witnesses must be adults. There is no role for a child in this rite.

A child cannot be ordained. The candidate to be ordained must be an adult male and the minister of ordination must be a bishop. There is no need of witnesses for an ordination. The candidate and the bishop are their own witnesses.

A child cannot enter the consecrated life. You must be an adult to make vows. Otherwise, they are invalid. The ministers of the rite are the person making the vows, the superior who receives the vows in the name of the community and the Church and there must be two witnesses who must be perpetually professed members of that community. Children do not meet these requirements. Therefore, this rite does not involve them.

The three rites are about adult states in life. That’s why it is permissible to exclude children. Observe, that it is permissible to exclude them. They are not barred from being present.

Some dioceses and religious communities do not allow children to attend ordinations or religious professions. My guess is that it has to do with logistics. If you have a large number of candidates, you may not have enough room for all of the family members and friends. I can’t see any other reason for not allowing them to be present. I remember there was a time when my community did not allow children to attend investiture and religious profession. Later, it was open to children in your family. Today, it’s open to whomever you wish to invite. There are still communities that have restrictions on who can be present. It’s more common among enclosed communities.

However, you can never ban a child from Sunday mass or a holy day of obligation, not matter how small your church or your chapel. Everyone has the right to be baptized, confirmed and to receive the Eucharist. That’s why you can’t discourage children from attending these liturgies. They celebrate sacraments that every Catholic can receive regardless of age, gender or vocation. This tradition is ancient.

Hope that helps a little.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, OSF