I think destination weddings are crass. Those types should be small affairs or elopements. At the very least, the bride and groom should not be at all offended when people decline to attend. Still, you can’t spend $2,000 on travel and then say you can’t spend $40 on a gift. It’s like tipping - you have to include it into the price of eating out. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat out.
Again, I am not speaking from the point of view of a guest but rather from the point of view of a bride. As a guest, yes, I would absolutely tell people to get a gift, even if its just something small, even if you can’t spend any money on it, just as you are telling people to. But as a bride I cannot begin to imagine the lack of a present making me think less of these close friends of mine. I know them and I know that they care very much about us. They are not obliged to give a present and I didn’t ask them so that I could get a present, so no, I am in no way upset at the fact that they didn’t get me a present. I am also not in any way upset at any other guest who came but did not bring a present. I seriously couldn’t care less whether or not they gave me a present, I wanted them there at my wedding either way, I had no expectations that I would receive anything and I was perfectly happy to have them come and to still think well of them whether or not they brought a present.
I would think less of my own sister if she did not offer a token of her happiness for my marriage. I would consider it an affront. Not because I want stuff, but because everyone knows that it’s so rude to enjoy a wedding without offering a token of congratulations. She would know it was rude, and that would be a conscious choice on her part. For someone who might be ignorant of social norms, I would absolutely give that person a pass.Again, I am not speaking from the point of view of a guest but rather from the point of view of a bride. As a guest, yes, I would absolutely tell people to get a gift, even if its just something small, even if you can’t spend any money on it, just as you are telling people to. But as a bride I cannot begin to imagine the lack of a present making me think less of these close friends of mine. I know them and I know that they care very much about us. They are not obliged to give a present and I didn’t ask them so that I could get a present, so no, I am in no way upset at the fact that they didn’t get me a present. I am also not in any way upset at any other guest who came but did not bring a present. I seriously couldn’t care less whether or not they gave me a present, I wanted them there at my wedding either way, I had no expectations that I would receive anything and I was perfectly happy to have them come and to still think well of them whether or not they brought a present.
In fact, I would far rather that they not bring a present than that they bring one simply because they are afraid I will think poorly of them if they do not. I don’t want presents that are being given as a means of bribing me to like people. If the presents do not come from a purely genuine desire to show affection then I don’t want them. Again, if you are going to think less of a guest if they show up without a present then don’t invite them to the wedding.
Sure, if I knew for certain that a person was purposefully not giving me a gift for the sake of being rude, then I would be offended, but if a person is purposefully trying to be rude its going to be pretty obvious in their fake and half-hearted congratulations when you talk to them personally anyway. If someone is obviously excited for you and earnestly congratulates you but doesn’t bring a gift they are not purposefully trying to be rude, and so it would be wrong to be upset with them over their lack of a gift.
Agree. Changing the nature of a gift to something expected makes it a bill issued in order to continue a friendship. I would expect to be excluded from the invite just as I expect to be excluded from any unsolicited calls requesting money.Edit to Add:
The reason I say this is because if your opinion of them will drop if they don’t give you a present you are forcing them into a situation where if they want to remain on good terms with you they have to cough up what is supposed to be a freely given sign of affection. Gifts, by their nature, are supposed to be voluntary, they kind of cease to be voluntary when they become the price of continued friendship and good opinion.
ExactlyIf you attend, give a gift, yes, but give it out of true generosity and a desire to do something nice for the couple in question. No guest at a wedding should feel as though friendship with the bride and groom is dependent upon them giving the bride and groom a gift. Thats just wrong.
To add to this, what makes it even worse is that if a person turns down a wedding invitation when it is known that they could easily make it the couple is likely going to be offended, but if they show up without a present then the couple is also going to be offended? In that case even sending them an invitation, whether or not they accept it is really saying “Give me a gift or else my friendship with you will be damaged” What a horrible thing to do to a friend! While guests really should bring a gift for the bridal party gifts can not be obligatory. Its very wrong to put your friends in a scenario where they either have to give you a gift or you will be offended at them.…
Edit to Add:
The reason I say this is because if your opinion of them will drop if they don’t give you a present you are forcing them into a situation where if they want to remain on good terms with you they have to cough up what is supposed to be a freely given sign of affection. Gifts, by their nature, are supposed to be voluntary, they kind of cease to be voluntary when they become the price of continued friendship and good opinion.
If literally no semblance of a gift could be drummed up within a year of the wedding (I find that inconceivable, but I’ll go with it), I think the best thing to do would be to come clean to the couple. “Susie, I would love to come to your wedding, but I will not be able to offer you any kind of gift because of X reason. I feel badly accepting the invite when I can’t give you a gift.” A dispensation would almost certainly be granted, with no awkwardness.
I do that though and then suddenly I’m a bad brother.
And in my experience most brides have come to expect a gift from everyone they invite.It doesn’t matter whether or not a “dispensation” will be granted. It is wrong and tacky for accepting a wedding invitation to be viewed as an obligation to give a gift. Gifts are only gifts if they are not obligatory. Once they become obligatory then the invitation does, in fact, become a solicitation for material goods.
I should rephrase that. If the bride and groom view acceptance of a wedding invitation as including an obligation to give the bride and groom some material item then it is clear that when the bride and groom send out an invitation they are not merely saying “we would love for you to come to our wedding and share in the joy of this day with you because you mean so much to us” but are in fact saying “will you come and share in our joy and bring us a material item?” That is a solicitation for gifts. There’s no getting around it, if the bride and groom believe that their guests have an obligation to bring a gift then their invitation is a solicitation for gifts.
Actually, the request for no gifts is in itself rude since the bride should not even be thinking of receiving gifts. The idea of a gift should originate with the donor.
Do you also think its rude to have a wedding registry then?