Wedding etiquette question

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Avocadomom said:
I think destination weddings are crass. Those types should be small affairs or elopements. At the very least, the bride and groom should not be at all offended when people decline to attend. Still, you can’t spend $2,000 on travel and then say you can’t spend $40 on a gift. It’s like tipping - you have to include it into the price of eating out. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat out.
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What if the destination is the home of one of the spouses? In my case (getting married this July), it was either going to be her family spending thousands of dollars to come to my home or my family spending thousands of dollars to go to her home…no way around it…or everyone spending thousands of dollars for a third neutral location. It is no longer the case that couples grow up in the same town or even country. We are increasingly a global village with more and more people travelling regularly for work. I think that is the reality of a lot of “destination” weddings (though certainly not always).
 
Avocadomom said:
This isn’t an entitlement thing. It’s not about “just wanting more stuff.” It’s about taking a very serious step in life and inviting others to take part in that day. It’s about acknowledging the solemnity and importance of the sacrament. Simply not saying anything and never sending a gift is gauche. It says, “This is really not important to me at all.”
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I do agree with this. It really is poor taste to not come up with anything, no matter how small, to acknowledge the couple.

We had several people at our wedding who did not give us anything. I actually wouldn’t have noticed, until we used our guest list to record gifts for thank-you note purposes. I admit that I was a little bit offended that some friends of ours bought several drinks from the cash bar, but couldn’t be bothered to even get a card. I didn’t care about getting things, but it did kind of feel like it didn’t matter to them. We sent them thank you notes for coming, and it doesn’t affect friendships in any way (as some posters are suggesting).

I too find it difficult to believe that a small token of acknowledgement of the couple’s marriage, even just a card, is too financially burdensome. It’s not something to hold a grudge over, but on the part of the guest it is simply thoughtful to bring or send something.
 
twf said:
What if the destination is the home of one of the spouses? In my case (getting married this July), it was either going to be her family spending thousands of dollars to come to my home or my family spending thousands of dollars to go to her home…no way around it…or everyone spending thousands of dollars for a third neutral location. It is no longer the case that couples grow up in the same town or even country. We are increasingly a global village with more and more people travelling regularly for work. I think that is the reality of a lot of “destination” weddings (though certainly not always).
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That’s not a destination wedding. Traditionally, weddings are held at the bride’s parish and the reception in her hometown, because her parents are hosting the event. If the groom’s side or friends have to travel to the wedding, so be it.

A destination wedding is where the bride and groom arbitrarily decide to have everyone travel to a vacation locale just for the heck of it. It is exceedingly rude.
 
Lorelei12 said:
We had several people at our wedding who did not give us anything. I actually wouldn’t have noticed, until we used our guest list to record gifts for thank-you note purposes. I admit that I was a little bit offended that some friends of ours bought several drinks from the cash bar, but couldn’t be bothered to even get a card. I didn’t care about getting things, but it did kind of feel like it didn’t matter to them. We sent them thank you notes for coming, and it doesn’t affect friendships in any way (as some posters are suggesting).

I too find it difficult to believe that a small token of acknowledgement of the couple’s marriage, even just a card, is too financially burdensome. It’s not something to hold a grudge over, but on the part of the guest it is simply thoughtful to bring or send something.
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Going to a wedding empty handed is simply rude. I am surprised to see people could be so lack of courtesy. Bringing a gift to the celebration is the very BASIC manner. When I got married in school so many years ago, all our guests were poor students, yet nobody came empty handed. Even they could have the excuse that they were poor students and made no money. It seems to me not only our entire nation is heading toward wrong direction, our society has become shameless in many ways.:eek:
 
Burt Macklin said:

“I do that though and then suddenly I’m a bad brother. And in my experience most brides have come to expect a gift from everyone they invite.”

You wouldn’t get your own sister a wedding present (if you were financially able to, of course)?
 
thewanderer said:
It doesn’t matter whether or not a “dispensation” will be granted. It is wrong and tacky for accepting a wedding invitation to be viewed as an obligation to give a gift. Gifts are only gifts if they are not obligatory. Once they become obligatory then the invitation does, in fact, become a solicitation for material goods.
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You’re right. Gifts are never mandatory. People are certainly free to flout social convention and years of etiquette and do as they please. No one will put them in jail for it. People will think they have no class, or are thoughtless, ignorant and rude. But if they don’t mind, so be it.

As the bridal couple, it is also crude to expect gifts and wait greedily for them to arrive, ticking off boxes to ensure everyone has anted up.

Having said that, as the guest, I do feel I have an obligation to send a gift in response to wedding invitations. I do feel that I have a basic obligation to be polite.
 
Book_Worm said:
Actually, the request for no gifts is in itself rude since the bride should not even be thinking of receiving gifts. The idea of a gift should originate with the donor.
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It’s basic etiquette. Everyone knows that a gift is expected. Even you know. To attend a wedding without a gift (heck, a card or something homemade at least) would be like hosting a wedding and not providing anything to eat or drink. It’s rude.
 
Avocadomom said:
You’re right. Gifts are never mandatory. People are certainly free to flout social convention and years of etiquette and do as they please. No one will put them in jail for it. People will think they have no class, or are thoughtless, ignorant and rude. But if they don’t mind, so be it.

As the bridal couple, it is also crude to expect gifts and wait greedily for them to arrive, ticking off boxes to ensure everyone has anted up.

Having said that, as the guest, I do feel I have an obligation to send a gift in response to wedding invitations. I do feel that I have a basic obligation to be polite.
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See, here’s the thing, when a bride or groom is offended that they didn’t receive a gift it is pretty clear that they expected to receive one, which you just admitted is crude. Brides and Grooms should be pleasantly surprised when they receive a gift from a guest and should not have ill-feelings towards people who fail to give them a gift, the only reason to have ill-feelings toward them is if you expected them to give you something because you view it as an obligation for them to give you gift. Gifts are meaningless if given out of obligation or for the sake of avoiding being seen as having no class or being thoughtless. If the reason you are giving a gift is to save face then maybe you shouldn’t be going to the wedding in the first place.
 
thewanderer said:
See, here’s the thing, when a bride or groom is offended that they didn’t receive a gift it is pretty clear that they expected to receive one, which you just admitted is crude. Brides and Grooms should be pleasantly surprised when they receive a gift from a guest and should not have ill-feelings towards people who fail to give them a gift, the only reason to have ill-feelings toward them is if you expected them to give you something because you view it as an obligation for them to give you gift. Gifts are meaningless if given out of obligation or for the sake of avoiding being seen as having no class or being thoughtless. If the reason you are giving a gift is to save face then maybe you shouldn’t be going to the wedding in the first place.
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I think not getting a gift from a guest hurts one’s feelings because it screams “I just don’t care at all. I am not even willing to make the smallest effort for you.”

It’s not that the bride/groom are greedy and just want another blender. It’s that is is so obviously counter to social norms that it gives the appearance of being intentionally rude.

The hope is not for the thing that gets sent, but that people will care enough to follow the normal course of events when honored with a wedding invitation.

It is almost like being offended if someone were to attend your wedding in jeans and a tank top. It’s not that the actual outfit offends, it’s just that is comes across as not giving a hoot.
 
Avocadomom said:
It is almost like being offended if someone were to attend your wedding in jeans and a tank top. It’s not that the actual outfit offends, it’s just that is comes across as not giving a hoot.
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So you’ve attended quite a few weddings in California, too? 😉

To the OP, I would get a couple a gift, whatever you can can afford and think is appropriate. Think of it as a token of your happiness at their wedding as well as your wishes for their long and happy life together.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
So you’ve attended quite a few weddings in California, too? 😉

To the OP, I would get a couple a gift, whatever you can can afford and think is appropriate. Think of it as a token of your happiness at their wedding as well as your wishes for their long and happy life together.
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Southern California, baby.
 
Burt Macklin said:

“And in my experience most brides have come to expect a gift from everyone they invite.”

Then they’re wrong.

Ditto the brides who think that anybody they ask to be a bridesmaid is honor bound to accept.

A social invitation is not the same thing as a subpoena.

Avocadomom said:

“A destination wedding is where the bride and groom arbitrarily decide to have everyone travel to a vacation locale just for the heck of it. It is exceedingly rude.”

I used to think it tacky, but I’m now a little more willing to give them a pass if the happy couple lives in location A, the groom’s parents live in location B and the bride’s parents live in location C, and no matter what, the logistics are going to be a pain. I’m also willing to give them a pass if they have a drunk and/or abusive relative they’d like to insure doesn’t crash the party (which seems to come up fairly often as an issue).

However, couples who do destination weddings need to understand that 1) few people are going to attend and 2) the people who do attend may only be able to give token gifts.
 
Anybody who books a wedding at a hotel or resort that will give you a “free wedding” if they deliver a certain block of guests for the wedding party is going to social hell, in my opinion. (One of my cousins did that.)

(In social hell, no one offers you anything to drink, and they’re all out of cupcakes by the time you make it to the refreshment table.)
 
Avocadomom said:
I think not getting a gift from a guest hurts one’s feelings because it screams “I just don’t care at all. I am not even willing to make the smallest effort for you.”

It’s not that the bride/groom are greedy and just want another blender. It’s that is is so obviously counter to social norms that it gives the appearance of being intentionally rude.

The hope is not for the thing that gets sent, but that people will care enough to follow the normal course of events when honored with a wedding invitation.

It is almost like being offended if someone were to attend your wedding in jeans and a tank top. It’s not that the actual outfit offends, it’s just that is comes across as not giving a hoot.
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Yeah, I think we’re going to just have to agree to disagree. Most of my siblings didn’t get me a wedding gift, but I was not in the least offended. Why? because I know that they cared very much about my wedding, they didn’t need to spend $20 to prove to me that they cared. In fact, I would be saddened if I knew they felt like they had to spend money to try and prove their affection. Anything they bought I would of course have been extremely grateful for, but I do not demand that people get me a material gift to prove that they care.

I adopted the same attitude to the rest of my guests who came, the fact that they made an effort to come shows that they care, the way they spoke with me and my husband and congratulated us proved how much they cared about us and our wedding, I truly do not need any more proof than their honest and heartfelt congratulations. If they decide to give a gift on top of that it is purely gratuitous, not something I expect them to do, but something I would be extremely grateful for. In fact, it is precisely because I don’t expect them to give me a gift that I was so overwhelmed by the number of people who did in fact get us a wedding gift. If no one who came gave us even one wedding gift I would not have thought less of any of them. Why? because I couldn’t care less about receiving some material token of affection. They came to share in our day and they all clearly cared very much about being there. All I cared about was that they be there, share this special day with us, and enjoy themselves. Whether or not they brought a gift didn’t matter in the least. 🤷
 
thewanderer said:

“Why? because I couldn’t care less about receiving some material token of affection.”

There’s a pragmatic issue here in that traditionally, the bride and groom are just starting out and NEED just about everything.

When my husband and I got married years ago, I didn’t own even a spoon, and my husband owned maybe three, I didn’t own a single plate, and my husband owned maybe two (and all of the rest of our possessions were in similar quantities). Thanks to generous cash gifts from family (and a few odds and ends like a hand mixer and potholders and a used mattress) we were able to set up a comfortable, hospitable and attractive joint household after a few trips to IKEA and the hardware store. (We were both in grad school at the time.)

I would never pooh pooh gifts to young brides and grooms–for young people who are just starting out, wedding gifts can make a big difference in quality of life.
 
Avocadomom said:
That’s not a destination wedding. Traditionally, weddings are held at the bride’s parish and the reception in her hometown, because her parents are hosting the event. If the groom’s side or friends have to travel to the wedding, so be it.

A destination wedding is where the bride and groom arbitrarily decide to have everyone travel to a vacation locale just for the heck of it. It is exceedingly rude.
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For various reasons it is the opposite in our case…my family (I am the groom) is hosting and I am footing the bill. The bride’s family is flying up. Her parents are divorced and my mother has taken on the traditional role of ‘mother of the bride’ for all intents and purposes.
 
Xantippe said:
thewanderer said:

“Why? because I couldn’t care less about receiving some material token of affection.”

There’s a pragmatic issue here in that traditionally, the bride and groom are just starting out and NEED just about everything.

When my husband and I got married years ago, I didn’t own even a spoon, and my husband owned maybe three, I didn’t own a single plate, and my husband owned maybe two (and all of the rest of our possessions were in similar quantities). Thanks to generous cash gifts from family (and a few odds and ends like a hand mixer and potholders and a used mattress) we were able to set up a comfortable, hospitable and attractive joint household after a few trips to IKEA and the hardware store. (We were both in grad school at the time.)

I would never pooh pooh gifts to young brides and grooms–for young people who are just starting out, wedding gifts can make a big difference in quality of life.
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Oh, I absolutely understand the practical aspect, I married young (and recently) and I highly doubt you and your husband had more household essentials than we did. The fact that we really had nothing, heck, we still don’t even have a proper bed, we sleep on a twin memory foam mattress on the floor. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the many gifts we did receive and they have been really really useful and appreciated, but that still doesn’t change anything I wrote above. I still would not have cared one jot if we had not received any wedding gifts whatsoever. I did not invite people to my wedding expecting presents, I invited them so that they could share in our joy that day and be a witness to our vows to each other, not so that I could get a head start on some of the practical essentials we would need to build up our home. 🤷
 
thewanderer,

That’s lovely of you, but let us consider the point of view of the guest. Should they not be overflowing with such love and generosity and felicitations that it would practically kill them not to shower the newylyweds with toasters?

That’s how I would feel.
 
Xantippe said:
thewanderer,

That’s lovely of you, but let us consider the point of view of the guest. Should they not be overflowing with such love and generosity and felicitations that it would practically kill them not to shower the newylyweds with toasters?

That’s how I would feel.
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I have already agreed multiple times that as a guest, yes, you should give a gift if you can, but only if it comes from a true place of generosity and love, not if it is just something you feel obliged to do because the newlyweds will be upset with you if you don’t. I got involved in this thread to point out that it is kind of rude for an engaged couple to send out invitations with the expectation that those who come will all bring gifts. Avocadomom even went so far as to speak about these gifts as necessary and as something that, if you are not going to bring one, you need to get a special dispensation from the engaged couple before coming to the wedding to allow you to come without bringing a gift. To me that just seems so wrong. Gifts need to be freely given, they should not be coerced from people by the fear of being thought rude and thoughtless if they don’t bring a gift.
 
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