Wedding etiquette question

[Avocadomom]

I have already agreed multiple times that as a guest, yes, you should give a gift if you can, but only if it comes from a true place of generosity and love, not if it is just something you feel obliged to do because the newlyweds will be upset with you if you don’t. I got involved in this thread to point out that it is kind of rude for an engaged couple to send out invitations with the expectation that those who come will all bring gifts. Avocadomom even went so far as to speak about these gifts as necessary and as something that, if you are not going to bring one, you need to get a special dispensation from the engaged couple before coming to the wedding to allow you to come without bringing a gift. To me that just seems so wrong. Gifts need to be freely given, they should not be coerced from people by the fear of being thought rude and thoughtless if they don’t bring a gift.

You are misquoting me, or misunderstood what I meant.

I did not say you needed to get a special dispensation before you came.

What I said/meant was that it would be less awkward, and less rude, to explain why no gift was forthcoming rather than just never say anything and just attend the wedding. That way, no one would be wondering if your gift got lost in the mail, or wondered if you intended to be hostile. By “dispensation” I meant that the bride/groom would say, “Please don’t even worry about a gift! Just come to the wedding and enjoy yourself!” Because that is what any bride/groom with class would do.

However, a gift is standard if you are to attend a wedding. To do absolutely nothing is completely rude. If your friends did not even send a token gift upon being invited to your wedding, they are rude. Gifts aren’t obligatory, but neither are pleases and thank yous.

 

[thewanderer]

You are misquoting me, or misunderstood what I meant.

I did not say you needed to get a special dispensation before you came.

What I said/meant was that it would be less awkward, and less rude, to explain why no gift was forthcoming rather than just never say anything and just attend the wedding. That way, no one would be wondering if your gift got lost in the mail, or wondered if you intended to be hostile. By “dispensation” I meant that the bride/groom would say, “Please don’t even worry about a gift! Just come to the wedding and enjoy yourself!” Because that is what any bride/groom with class would do.

However, a gift is standard if you are to attend a wedding. To do absolutely nothing is completely rude. If your friends did not even send a token gift upon being invited to your wedding, they are rude. Gifts aren’t obligatory, but neither are pleases and thank yous.

Or maybe not. There are all sorts of other things that could be going on here. I don’t know and I’m certainly not going to judge, especially seeing as I think it is horribly rude and tacky to expect your wedding guests to give you presents. But like I said, we are just going to have to agree to disagree here.

 

[Xantippe]

thewanderer said:

“Gifts need to be freely given, they should not be coerced from people by the fear of being thought rude and thoughtless if they don’t bring a gift.”

There are social occasions (like weddings or children’s birthday parties) where a gift is simply part of the social ritual (like singing happy birthday or throwing rice). Avocadomom’s idea of mentioning the inability to give a gift in advance is a good one. If the bride and groom are ungracious, then you can trim them from your official friend list.

I have (a somewhat stingy) method for dealing with children’s birthdays. I don’t just run out and get a random gift, because the kid probably has three exactly like whatever I was going to do, or maybe they HATE Star Wars. I email the mom and ask for pointers for a gift for the child. If she replies, I follow her guidelines (which might be “don’t worry about it!” or “donate to Heifer.org”). If she doesn’t reply, I boldly show up with my kid at the party with no gift. I’m not sure what Miss Manners would say to that one, but I’m hoping on the right side of the law.

 

[Avocadomom]

Or maybe not. There are all sorts of other things that could be going on here. I don’t know and I’m certainly not going to judge, especially seeing as I think it is horribly rude and tacky to expect your wedding guests to give you presents. But like I said, we are just going to have to agree to disagree here.

Again you misunderstand. I am talking solely from the perspective of the invited person. The invited person should feel obligated to send something - anything - rather than nothing. This is not because the couple expects it (although they might), but because it is proper.

Really, when you have a year or more to come up with something to send or do for the couple - is there any excuse to forego a gift? Can you think of one good reason why in 12 or more months’ time, a person could not come up with even a simple token of their goodwill and best wishes for the new family?

 

[Avocadomom]

thewanderer said:

“Gifts need to be freely given, they should not be coerced from people by the fear of being thought rude and thoughtless if they don’t bring a gift.”

There are social occasions (like weddings or children’s birthday parties) where a gift is simply part of the social ritual (like singing happy birthday or throwing rice). Avocadomom’s idea of mentioning the inability to give a gift in advance is a good one. If the bride and groom are ungracious, then you can trim them from your official friend list.

I have (a somewhat stingy) method for dealing with children’s birthdays. I don’t just run out and get a random gift, because the kid probably has three exactly like whatever I was going to do, or maybe they HATE Star Wars. I email the mom and ask for pointers for a gift for the child. If she replies, I follow her guidelines (which might be “don’t worry about it!” or “donate to Heifer.org”). If she doesn’t reply, I boldly show up with my kid at the party with no gift. I’m not sure what Miss Manners would say to that one, but I’m hoping on the right side of the law.

This is why I have a stack of $15 gift cards to the local ice cream parlor. These only don’t work if the child in question is lactose intolerant!

 

[Tenebrae]

Wow, this thread has really taken off! By the way, I’m not the one in the wedding party. It’s my son who’s standing up to a wedding for the first time.

 

[thewanderer]

Again you misunderstand. I am talking solely from the perspective of the invited person. The invited person should feel obligated to send something - anything - rather than nothing. This is not because the couple expects it (although they might), but because it is proper.

Really, when you have a year or more to come up with something to send or do for the couple - is there any excuse to forego a gift? Can you think of one good reason why in 12 or more months’ time, a person could not come up with even a simple token of their goodwill and best wishes for the new family?

I guess the thing is I would accept their heartfelt good wishes as a token of their goodwill. If they couldn’t even offer that then yes, there would certainly be a problem. I will say, again, that when I attend a wedding I do make sure to get something for the couple, but it seems very wrong for me for a couple to expect goodwill from their guests in the form of material goods. And, since this discussion is clearly only going around in circles that is the last thing I will say about it.

 

[Xantippe]

thewanderer said:

“I do make sure to get something for the couple, but it seems very wrong for me for a couple to expect goodwill from their guests in the form of material goods.”

Would it be wrong for a birthday child to expect guests (who were physically able) to sing “Happy Birthday?”

It’s the same thing–there’s a social norm, and you’d better have an excellent reason to break it.

 

[Joe_5859]

**Wow, this thread has really taken off! **By the way, I’m not the one in the wedding party. It’s my son who’s standing up to a wedding for the first time.

That has been known to happen around here.

I think the basic summary is that, yes, etiquette says to give a gift, but the jury is still out on whether or not we should feel obligated to follow the etiquette.

 

[bitterhope]

Well, I’m thinking it must be cultural or something that so many people feel gifts are necessary. Only one person gave us a wedding gift. We were surprised because we never expected a gift from anyone at all. And we had no reception afterwards, so all we had was a cake that I baked myself. I thought that more people would see the sacrament of marriage instead of the fact that apparently most of our guests were rude and as a couple not feeding them we were rude as well. The sacrament is the important part, not the party afterwards, or the things you get. I’ve attended numerous weddings and never gave a gift, nor did the majority of people in attendance. It’s not expected in my family. Same with birthdays and holidays. To our family, the presence of the person is the gift. We don’t party after baptisms or confirmation or anything like that. The sacrament is the important part, followed by the presence of those who attended. We renewed our vows in Mexico at my in laws Curch, and 90% of the town showed up. No one gave us a gift then either, but we did have a party at my inlaws home after that Mass. People ate mole and barbacoa, cooked by my sister in law and my father in law, but no cake that time. Everyone at the wedding came to the party, and the other people who were not at the Mass came by later to eat. It was so nice to be surrounded by people wishing us well and the greatest gift we could imagine was their presence.