Wedding gift minimum

[KendraDZ1902]

I thought that etiquette would dictate that if you received an invitation, you should send a gift, regardless of being able to attend or not. And bridal shower gifts aren’t to be confused with wedding gifts, just because you gave a gift at the shower doesn’t mean that you show up empty handed to the wedding.

Lots of people sent gifts because they couldn’t attend my wedding.

You should budget for both, you aren’t required to send a bridal shower gift if you can’t make it, though.

I was thoughtful and my registry went from $5 items to $150 items. I appreciated all of them.

 

[slh3016]

Mostly, we just want to be blessed with our guests’ “presence” not presents.

Nice slogan….I’d consider putting that on an invitation enclosure

For me, wedding celebrations are all about family and friends coming together in one place, and in many cases, extended families are so scattered that getting together rarely ever happens. Weddings should be more like “family reunions”, IMHO.

When my husband’s youngest brother got married, my SIL’s family {mostly Catholic so they KNEW how to celebrate ) came from several different states. One of my favorite memories was her on the dance floor surrounded by all her aunts and cousins dancing to, “We Are Family.” So sweet and precious.

 

[newf]

I thought that etiquette would dictate that if you received an invitation, you should send a gift, regardless of being able to attend or not. And bridal shower gifts aren’t to be confused with wedding gifts, just because you gave a gift at the shower doesn’t mean that you show up empty handed to the wedding.

Lots of people sent gifts because they couldn’t attend my wedding.

You should budget for both, you aren’t required to send a bridal shower gift if you can’t make it, though.

I was thoughtful and my registry went from $5 items to $150 items. I appreciated all of them.

Yes, it is good to give a gift when you get an invitation even if you are not going to attend the wedding. But what if you are out of a job or in some other financial crisis? I don’t think you need to burden yourself with gift giving when things are so tight. On the other hand, if you have the means, it is very kind to send a gift whether you attend or not.

Also, good idea to register for gifts in varying price ranges.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Interesting the different answers.

I’ve always thought the “unwritten rule” is to cover your plate, such that the bride & groom don’t lose $ on you. In the ny city area I would personally not attend a wedding and not give $250 minimum per couple - but nyc is very expensive and that would not hold in essentially any other areas.

I’m aware that may appear quite extravagant…but I personally think it’s the right thing to do.

Just the food or do you take into account favors, decorations, calculate the per person price of the event center?
I don’t think my gift should be based on if the bride chose the prime rib or the little smokies…

 

[12345678]

I see your point, but honestly, there is something that does bother me about this mindset. We live in such a consumer culture already with the “what am I going to get out of this?” mentality that I find it in poor taste for a bride/groom to have the expectation that they should receive back in gifts whatever was spent on the celebration. I mean, if that’s the case, why even bother? Just take the money they or their parents would’ve spent on the shindig and put it toward whatever they need to get started (i.e., debt or down payment on a house)? I don’t like the term “losing money on the celebration,” but that’s just me, I guess. There are many things that money cannot buy.

I also don’t think a wedding guest should expect a return on their investment for the wedding gift, either. Both of these attitudes/expectations/mentality seems to take the focus off of celebrating a very joyous and sacred occasion in a couple’s life in which they should be honored and blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love and support them. It’s all about the fellowship and love, not the monetary value.

Each side should do what they are able out of the love and respect, whether that is a $10/plate reception or $100/plate or whether it’s a $10 gift or a $200 gift.

I totally agree.

A gift is not payment for attending a wedding. There should be no strings attached to an invitation. If someone has the means to be generous with a gift, that is fine. If someone has no money to buy anything, that should not stop them from attending. It isn’t about the gift. It is about the celebration of the marriage.

We are currently planning a wedding for our daughter. We will be inviting people young and old from far and near. Some people will have to spend on travel and that may be the gift. Others will come from circumstances where they will probably give a nice gift. It will be different for everyone. Mostly, we just want to be blessed with our guests’ “presence” not presents.

Ugh yes, I totally agree with you both. Honestly, I might be inclined to give a bigger gift to a couple that I know is economically tight, with a more humble wedding (less $ per plate) than a couple where they went all out with extravagant costs and ended up with $$$$ plates. Honestly, if the family can afford that much, then maybe that couple doesn’t need as much help as the couple that had a more economic wedding. And if the couple does need help, then maybe they should have gone a simpler route and kept the difference. I would not give a $$$ gift to the one couple and a $ gift to the couple that spent less.

I see the wedding gift as a gift to help them in their new life together, their new family. I try to be generous because of this, but it really depends on how we are doing at the moment.
Another pet peeve of mine is when the couples include in their invitation a note saying they want cash only. That just seems plain rude to me. Registries are great, although I don’t think guests are obligated to stick to them (I try to do so, though). I think it is ungrateful for “gift receivers” to complain that people went off the registry.

There are other things that annoy me, but I guess those are the biggies (I don’t want to sound like a grouch here, lol).

Yes, it is good to give a gift when you get an invitation even if you are not going to attend the wedding. But what if you are out of a job or in some other financial crisis? I don’t think you need to burden yourself with gift giving when things are so tight. On the other hand, if you have the means, it is very kind to send a gift whether you attend or not.

Also, good idea to register for gifts in varying price ranges.

Yes, this too! Sending out invitations to people that already said they cannot come (or that you know cannot come) and then expecting a gift… ick.
If we are in a tight spot and someone I am not friends with/close to invites me, I have no problem not buying a gift. I have purchased gifts before for acquaintances who have invited me when it is pretty obvious we are not close enough for me to pack my whole family to go to their wedding (pay all the plane tickets), or much less fly out alone or with spouse leaving family behind. I have purchased smaller gifts if I have the funds in those occasions (and have not gone), but I do find it a little annoying that they would invite me under the circumstances.

 

[pensmama87]

I am a big fan of Miss Manners for etiquette. I should probably buy her book (I borrowed it from the library and so don’t have it handy as a reference), but my understanding is that gifts should never be expected by anybody, and so it is in very poor taste to offer any insinuation with an invitation that gifts are expected regardless of the occasion.

There are people, unfortunately, who treat occasions like weddings or showers as a method to try and get gifts from anybody they’ve ever known. Receiving an unsolicited invitation to an event does not obligate me to give anything, though of course I’ll offer congratulations and well wishes.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I have purchased gifts before for acquaintances who have invited me when it is pretty obvious we are not close enough for me to pack my whole family to go to their wedding (pay all the plane tickets), or much less fly out alone or with spouse leaving family behind. I have purchased smaller gifts if I have the funds in those occasions (and have not gone), but I do find it a little annoying that they would invite me under the circumstances.

It may be a difference in perspective, but I sent wedding invitations to a number of people who I knew probably wouldn’t be able to come because of distance, ill health, and so on. Not because I wanted gifts; while I appreciated any gift a guest might bring or send, I didn’t invite them for the gifts. I invited them because I (or DH) cared about them and wanted them to know that they were welcome, that if something changed and they could manage the trip, we’d love to see them, and in any case, we understood that they would have liked to have been there. Our families–many of the members being elderly/in poor health–are spread all over the US, and we got married near Christmas, so it we knew and understood that a lot of people who got invited wouldn’t be able to make it. Still, we didn’t want anyone to be hurt because they didn’t get an invitation.

The idea that you are supposed to send a gift if you get an invite is a new one to me, and one I dislike intensely.

 

[12345678]

It may be a difference in perspective, but I sent wedding invitations to a number of people who I knew probably wouldn’t be able to come because of distance, ill health, and so on. Not because I wanted gifts; while I appreciated any gift a guest might bring or send, I didn’t invite them for the gifts. I invited them because I (or DH) cared about them and wanted them to know that they were welcome, that if something changed and they could manage the trip, we’d love to see them, and in any case, we understood that they would have liked to have been there. Our families–many of the members being elderly/in poor health–are spread all over the US, and we got married near Christmas, so it we knew and understood that a lot of people who got invited wouldn’t be able to make it. Still, we didn’t want anyone to be hurt because they didn’t get an invitation.

The idea that you are supposed to send a gift if you get an invite is a new one to me, and one I dislike intensely.

See, but one thing was receiving an invitation from my cousin (I wasn’t able to go, but would have liked to have gone) or a friend from college (same thing) and another is from someone whose mom was friends with my mother, but I did not consider the person a friend of mine. Or the sibling of an old school friend; I hadn’t talked with either in years, and wasn’t friends with the friend any more.

 

[pianistclare]

Just the food or do you take into account favors, decorations, calculate the per person price of the event center?
I don’t think my gift should be based on if the bride chose the prime rib or the little smokies…

It’s typical in Ireland to give enough $ to cover your food. Joe says his village always factored that in.
The primary gift IS your presence at the Mass, praying for their happy, faithful marriage.
The reception thing looks regional/cultural to me.

 

[bitterhope]

It may be a difference in perspective, but I sent wedding invitations to a number of people who I knew probably wouldn’t be able to come because of distance, ill health, and so on. Not because I wanted gifts; while I appreciated any gift a guest might bring or send, I didn’t invite them for the gifts. I invited them because I (or DH) cared about them and wanted them to know that they were welcome, that if something changed and they could manage the trip, we’d love to see them, and in any case, we understood that they would have liked to have been there. Our families–many of the members being elderly/in poor health–are spread all over the US, and we got married near Christmas, so it we knew and understood that a lot of people who got invited wouldn’t be able to make it. Still, we didn’t want anyone to be hurt because they didn’t get an invitation.

The idea that you are supposed to send a gift if you get an invite is a new one to me, and one I dislike intensely.

Exactly how we feel. I got one wedding gift and that was from my godparents but I was so surprised because I didn’t think we would get any at all. I come from a huge family and no one ever gives gifts. We just have never seen a reason for it I guess. We sent invitations all over the place knowing most could not come and it was fine. We did receive lovely phone calls and I am sure many prayers and that was so much better than stuff anyway. The one present (dishes) I got was unfortunately broken years ago and even if they were still around, we have long ago outgrown that set. It was a place setting for four–we are a family of 10.

 

[PolarGuy]

Finally - an interesting debate with lots of viewpoints - and everyone is playing nice in the sandbox!

The wonders never cease!

To continue, I too share the sentiment that it is very poor taste to actually ask for cash. Very tacky and low class.

It is in fact correct IMHO that a gift should never be expected per se by the bride and groom. That said, there is a difference between what should be the expectations of the bride & groom, versus what’s in good taste for the guests to do. The same way a lavish gift should not be expected, a guest shouldn’t expect to be invited if they show up empty handed. If you’d at least bring soda to your friends’ barbecue, why wouldn’t you bring an appropriate gift to their wedding?

I believe in being generous. I also believe that if I get invited to a nice party it’s in poor taste not to bring an appropriate gift. I would bring a gift even if the invite said ‘no gifts.’ I’ve never gone to a party empty handed in my life.

 

[slh3016]

Finally - an interesting debate with lots of viewpoints - and everyone is playing nice in the sandbox!

The wonders never cease!

To continue, I too share the sentiment that it is very poor taste to actually ask for cash. Very tacky and low class.

It is in fact correct IMHO that a gift should never be expected per se by the bride and groom. That said, there is a difference between what should be the expectations of the bride & groom, versus what’s in good taste for the guests to do. The same way a lavish gift should not be expected, a guest shouldn’t expect to be invited if they show up empty handed. If you’d at least bring soda to your friends’ barbecue, why wouldn’t you bring an appropriate gift to their wedding?

I believe in being generous. I also believe that if I get invited to a nice party it’s in poor taste not to bring an appropriate gift. I would bring a gift even if the invite said ‘no gifts.’ I’ve never gone to a party empty handed in my life.

I don’t think anyone is advocating not being generous, but I also don’t really believe in discriminating against a couple who may not have the means for a $250 per person plate reception I would not even consider the price of the reception of the “niceness” of the party in determining what I’m going to contribute toward them starting their new life. That is irrelevant to me. I agree with another poster that said they’d come more near giving a more expensive present to a couple with less means for a nice wedding than one with great means. For example, we attended the wedding of a couple (family friends/I babysat him when I was in high school) and they had a $150,000 wedding (she’s a trust fund baby)……So averaging that over the 300 guests, that comes to roughly $500 per person. No way I’m giving that, but I sure did enjoy helping them celebrate their new life together

 

[PolarGuy]

Who’s discriminating? Not me!

 

[mommy_k]

For our family, it’s a custom to cover the dinner.

If you are unsure what the custom is in your family/area-why not ask someone who you know well-either a parent ot friend.

If we get an invitation and have a conflicting date we send a card with a gift as well .The amount is based on how well we know the couple.

 

[schaeffer]

Here goes with what I have learned are good rules of thumb and customs from different places I’ve lived.

When I got married (30 yrs ago) my parents said that if a guest was one where you had attended their wedding, or their kids wedding, you gave a gift that was about the same as they gave.

Generally, you were expected to cover the cost of your plate at the reception, and more if you could afford it. At that point in time $25-$50 per person was the norm.

Gifts from the registry were sent to the bride ahead of time, or to the couple, it was not common for gifts to be given in person.

If you could not afford a gift, you attended the svc only, and gave a thoughtful card.

That was when I lived up North where big weddings with sit down dinners and cash bars were common.

I moved South where many people had simple cake and punch affairs after the ceremony with maybe small sandwiches or other finger food. People gave cards with cash or chose a gift off the registry.

More lavish Southern affairs, people had gifts from the registry shipped to the bride, and they were displayed on a table at the reception. Also cash gifts are always appropriate.

If you attend a wedding shower, you give a gift off the registry or other thoughtful gift, and then cash at the wedding.

I’ve heard every sort of story, from couples who were truly happy just to have friends and family join them, to bridezilla who chose ridiculously expensive additions to her china set that she didn’t want, because she knew many people gave gifts instead of cash (Southern wedding) and planned to return the pieces for money. Sure enough, at her reception was a proud display of those items which were liquidated immediately after the honeymoon.

I did not treat my own wedding invitations as hints or requests for gifts, nor do I treat those I receive as such. Sometimes people just want to know they would like your presence to join in their celebration. I was surprised when I found out that in some areas custom says if you get an invite, you send a gift.

 

[slh3016]

Who’s discriminating? Not me!

Sorry, I thought you were implying the nicer the party, the nicer the gift…my bad!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

One of the things we found, and we go to probably 3 or 4 weddings per year, is that we have one gift that is special, that is kind of “our thing” It does not cost much and is from the heart. I rarely even look at registries anymore. I have no interest in buying souflee cups for a couple who has been cohabitating for two years
So, What we do is we buy a special plaque to go on their wall that has their last name on it and then a phrase like “All because two people fell in love” We have one that we received on our wedding and we have always hung it in our house. It costs no more than 20 dollars and is a personal thoughtful gift. My goal is to go the rest of my life without walking through Williams Sonoma with a sheet of paper telling me exactly what color of 500 dollar blender someone wants who can’t even cook. And it is also my goal to know someone well enough to be invited to their wedding that I can come up with something better than what they think they want on their registry. Registries have actually gotten way out of hand. What started as a useful tool for grandma has become a way to market and make each wedding (or baby shower) about shooting for the moon in the way of gifts. I dont expect much at a reception, A chance to laugh and talk and meet new people. And I want my gift to be as personal as I can.

We have never ever used a SINGLE thing from our registry, and half of the stuff we only got half of…

Well, that is a lie, We did get that set of souffle cups (but not any of the other matching dishware) And we have never used it for souffle, but we have mixed baby food or salsa in them…

 

[CatholicSheila]

I have no rule. What I give is based on what I can afford and how well I know the person. The better I know someone the more I’ll try to spend and the more time I’ll spend looking for/thinking about the gift.

I don’t give cash generally and if I get the feeling that the gift is the most important part of my attending, then I’ll actually spend less.

If they go too simple for the reception then I am sorely tempted to give nothing. By simple, I mean if I have to order and pay for my own meal. There’s going cheap and there’s going too cheap.

So long as I don’t have to pay for anything (booze excepted), then the cost of the reception per plate has no influence on how much I spend.

So, What we do is we buy a special plaque to go on their wall that has their last name on it and then a phrase like “All because two people fell in love” We have one that we received on our wedding and we have always hung it in our house. It costs no more than 20 dollars and is a personal thoughtful gift.

I love that idea. I might steal it.

 

[pianistclare]

I have no rule. What I give is based on what I can afford and how well I know the person. The better I know someone the more I’ll try to spend and the more time I’ll spend looking for/thinking about the gift.

I don’t give cash generally and if I get the feeling that the gift is the most important part of my attending, then I’ll actually spend less.

If they go too simple for the reception then I am sorely tempted to give nothing. By simple, I mean if I have to order and pay for my own meal. There’s going cheap and there’s going too cheap.

So long as I don’t have to pay for anything (booze excepted), then the cost of the reception per plate has no influence on how much I spend.

I love that idea. I might steal it.

They have beautiful ones on etsy, but they’re more than 20 bucks, LOL

etsy.com/listing/226451362/wedding-established-sign-wedding-gift?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=wedding plaques&ref=sr_gallery_19

This is my personal fave:
etsy.com/listing/169317655/family-established-name-sign-plaque?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=wedding plaques&ref=sc_gallery_5&plkey=e2f0d84a4b1256e3a8039ae4588ed34e4d1f5d46:169317655

 

[slh3016]

They have beautiful ones on etsy, but they’re more than 20 bucks, LOL

etsy.com/listing/226451362/wedding-established-sign-wedding-gift?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=wedding plaques&ref=sr_gallery_19

This is my personal fave:
etsy.com/listing/169317655/family-established-name-sign-plaque?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=wedding plaques&ref=sc_gallery_5&plkey=e2f0d84a4b1256e3a8039ae4588ed34e4d1f5d46:169317655

Those are so nice, pianistclare! I’ll have to bookmark those

For our good friends that had their first baby last October, we got them a generous Etsy gift card so they could get something unique and special for their baby girl versus the typical Target gift that eventually gets donated to Goodwill or tossed Not that those are bad or not needed, but I knew she’d already received everything on her registry so this was just a little something “special” beyond the basic necessities of diapers, wipes, etc.