Wedding Mass but not Reception?

[CSUNGerrie]

Hello All,
Is it rude to invite people to the Nuptial Mass but not reception? I mean, assuming that I asked these guests not to bring gifts, is it okay?

I have looked at many online websites and they all say not to do this. However, the friends I would not be inviting to the reception are all devout so I feel like they would understand if I told them I wanted them to attend the Mass (what really matters) but not the reception.

What do you guys think? Do you think my devout friends would be hurt or upset by this?
My idea was to hand them the invitation personally and explain the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions

 

[SMHW]

Hello All,
Is it rude to invite people to the Nuptial Mass but not reception? I mean, assuming that I asked these guests not to bring gifts, is it okay?

I have looked at many online websites and they all say not to do this. However, the friends I would not be inviting to the reception are all devout so I feel like they would understand if I told them I wanted them to attend the Mass (what really matters) but not the reception.

What do you guys think? Do you think my devout friends would be hurt or upset by this?
My idea was to hand them the invitation personally and explain the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions

Yes. I think they would be hurt. …at least a little. And I think it’s in poor taste.

And it’s usually a bad idea to tell people not to give you gifts. Because that gives the impression that you think they would give gifts if you didn’t say something.

 

[bnbkaine]

I am of two minds on this.

When I got married, we had a lot of people at the reception- most of them family. We really couldn’t afford it, but I thought that people would be hurt if they just got an announcement. I felt that I had this big wedding for other people, but not really for my husband and me. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently. (I really like the idea of having an early morning wedding with a reception of bagels and scones and cake.) No one would come because it would be so early. Bwahaha.

Then I got over it. The whole thing. My husband and I are going on twelve years and I am glad that everyone came. Yeah, we were poor and yeah, it wasn’t my “dream” wedding, but whatever. I would marry my husband every single day. Tonight, after dinner, we went and split a slice of pie. That is what is going to matter in twelve years.

 

[puzzleannie]

you send out wedding invitations for your wedding which happens in church. you may also wish to invite some people to a reception for your guests some time later, so you send them invitations to the other event. the word reception is short for “receiving your guests” and actually is not about you, but about them. I am not Miss Manners but if I were I would say decide who you wish to share this day with and invite them to whatever is going on with you that day. The expectation of gifts does not even arise, so is not even mentioned, and when they do come, it is as a pleasent surprise for which the gives are thanked promptly, in person and in writing.

 

[Joannm]

When friends of mine, who were very popular, got married they had a HUGE wedding Mass, I mean a PACKED church. But of course not all could be invited to the reception. They had a cookie and cake “mini reception” in the parish hall for anyone who came to the wedding. They didn’t send invites to those who didn’t attend the dinner reception but just got the word out that all and anyone was invited to the Mass, and it was obvious that a lot of people took them up on that. BTW I did go to the dinner reception, which was wonderful.

 

[armywife]

My question is, are you trying to save money so you assume that your “devout” friends don’t care about the party. In then end, I would find it quite rude to not be invited to the reception. Basically what you’re say is, come to the wedding, don’t bring a present, don’t come to the reception. Tacky.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Kind of reminds me of my thoughts on graduation not too long ago. Like, I’d walk the ceremony but wouldn’t want a big deal afterward…

Though that’s still a year for me, I did come to one realization. It really isn’t about me and what I did (though graduating college after working hard for both grades and income is surely an accomplishment). It means even more to my family, especially since I’m the first to finish. Of course they need to celebrate too!! If my friends want to come, they should! If my relatives want to come, they should as well!! Regardless of finances, celebrating milestones are an important element to the human experience. It’s not just you or me…it affects everything around us.

If finances are really a concern, just have a cake reception. Or a mini reception for everyone and maybe a fancier one for only your closest friends and family (and don’t tell anyone BUT friends and family).

As for gifts, consider them a surprise, not an expectation.

 

[PatriceA]

Its rude. If you can’t invite all your guests to both the nuptial mass and the reception, then they shouldn’t get an invite at all. I was invited to a nuptial mass only while some of my friends were invited to both the mass and the reception. It creates a lot of hurt feelings that don’t go away easily and people will “gossip” about why you only invited some and not all of your guests. Better to pare down your guest list if finances are the issue. Its completely tacky to even mention a gift, whether you want one or not,you’re not even suppose to include where you’re registered on the invitation.

 

[purplesunshine]

Why have a big to-do reception. My brother had a semi-catered bbq. It was something like $3 per plate. If outdoor isn’t an option see if the parish hall is available. A package of white plastic table cloths, a few floral centerpieces and a “sit where you want” attitude can get you alot.

Also consider “hiring” and older teen to DJ for the “daddy/daughter & mother/son” dances and providing music from your own collection. Many parish halls now have PA systems so you won’t even need to buy speakers …maybe just a “summer fun” sort of CD. There are plenty of ways to do a cheap and tactful recption. If you’re worried about behavior nix the booze at the event. It won’t kill anyone.

 

[1ke]

Is it rude to invite people to the Nuptial Mass but not reception? I mean, assuming that I asked these guests not to bring gifts, is it okay?

No. It is not ok.

I have looked at many online websites and they all say not to do this. However, the friends I would not be inviting to the reception are all devout so I feel like they would understand if I told them I wanted them to attend the Mass (what really matters) but not the reception.

No, they would not “understand” simply because they are devout. They are devout and people with feelings.

What do you guys think?

That this is an exceedingly rude idea.

Do you think my devout friends would be hurt or upset by this? My idea was to hand them the invitation personally and explain the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions

Do you remember in the third grade your mom made you invite ALL the kids in your class to your birthday party? There was a reason.

You need a refresher on Good Manners 101.

 

[micahmike]

I’ve been to lots of Church weddings…while they are nice, I’d way rather go to the party with the band and the steak and the free booze than the Mass even if you can’t have food and are forced to have a cash bar (heresy where I’m from), you should invite everyone to the party. Everyone likes a party.

 

[jwashu]

Hello All,
Is it rude to invite people to the Nuptial Mass but not reception? I mean, assuming that I asked these guests not to bring gifts, is it okay?

I have looked at many online websites and they all say not to do this. However, the friends I would not be inviting to the reception are all devout so I feel like they would understand if I told them I wanted them to attend the Mass (what really matters) but not the reception.

What do you guys think? Do you think my devout friends would be hurt or upset by this?
My idea was to hand them the invitation personally and explain the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions

When I first glanced at this post I thought you were saying someone did that to you and my suggestion was to not go because that would be extremely rude… even if they said don’t bring a present.

It’s like saying we want you here to see us but we definitely don’t want to talk or socialize with you and certainly don’t want you eating our food or meeting our family members…

Now that I realize you are thinking of doing that my response is the same… don’t do it, it would be extremely rude.

Joe

 

[takers]

Having recently been through similar discussions on number of attendees due to reception limitations, it’s an all or nothing situation. Either everyone gets invited to both events or no one does. The only way around this is if you’re having a small wedding and a close family (mom/dad/grandparents/bridal party) reception where the majority of the wedding guests aren’t going to the reception.

I think you’re making a big assumption that your ‘devout’ friends would only want to celebrate the nuptial mass and not the celebration of the wedding at the reception afterwards.

My suggestion would be to invite them to the reception as well. This is good manners and will limit problems in the future.

 

[Julianna]

Why do you think your devout friends would not want to attend?

 

[yellowbird]

I was invited to a church wedding but not the reception held afterwards. It made me feel like I was on the “B” friend list. My feelings were hurt for sure.

 

[lizaanne]

If you can’t afford to invite everyone to the reception you have options:

1 - Have a smaller wedding so that the reception is smaller
2 - Don’t have a reception at all - no reception, no problem
3 - Change your plan - do a luncheon reception instead of dinner (that’s what we did and everyone loved it)

Whatever you do - don’t ever consider again not inviting some people - that is horribly rude, in extremely poor taste, and will only cause major issues in your social life for years to come. It’s not worth it.

~Liza

 

[cmscms]

Hello All,
Is it rude to invite people to the Nuptial Mass but not reception?

Once a girl at work put a printed wedding invitatation in my hand. I asked her why there was no RSVP. She told me not to worry about it. I found out through the grapevine I was not invited to the reception. So to answer your question, it is not only rude but also insulting and self centered

I mean, assuming that I asked these guests not to bring gifts, is it okay?

Does this mean you will tell all the people who are invited to the reception ‘Since you are invited to the reception you will be expected to bring a gift’ You are the one who is choosing to have a wedding, you can NOT expect a gift. The only thing you can expect is for the people who show up behave appropriately.

I have looked at many online websites and they all say not to do this.

No big surprised there. If they are all saying the same thing I think you got your answer

However, the friends I would not be inviting to the reception are all devout so I feel like they would understand if I told them I wanted them to attend the Mass (what really matters) but not the reception.

In whose opinion is the mass the part that really matters? Devout people like to have fun. Now if you somehow already know that these people are guaranteed to be in heaven and a future pope will have them canonized as saints because they were so happy to sacrifice themselves by only attending the mass and not being hurt that they weren’t invited to the reception, then yeah I guess they would understand

What do you guys think? Do you think my devout friends would be hurt or upset by this?

I think they would no longer want to be your friend after this

My idea was to hand them the invitation personally and explain the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions

And this is where I do have to give you credit. At least you are being upfront with them (unlike the girl at work who never told me). I would NOT print invitations for them. If they ask (and I repeat only if THEY ASK) you can say something like 'I am sorry, I can only invite so many people. I realise this is not a pleasant option but if you wish you may come to the church. That is the farthest you can push it

 

[EasterJoy]

If the people are invited by specific invitation, it is either reception-only or wedding-plus-reception. I vote for wedding-plus-reception unless the wedding is at a remote location with a very restricted guest list. Otherwise, you are likely to have some serious hurt feelings. As someone pointed out, nobody wants to be on the “B” list.

It is possible, though, to have something like an open invitation to your whole parish, that is, without specific written invitations sent to each parishioner, with a very limited reception afterward on the parish grounds, and then later in the day to have a small reception at another venue later that is only for those who are specifically invited. This might be a solution if the “devout” people you are talking about are people that you only know through church.

Another possible solution is to have a more elaborate rehearsal dinner the night before, to which you invite close relatives, out-of-town guests, the wedding party, and perhaps a few very close friends. This gives you a chance to have an intimate party with your very closest friends and relatives, with the advantage that your honeymoon won’t be beckoning you to leave the party before it is over! Then, on your wedding day, you have a very modest reception to which everyone who attends the nuptial Mass is invited, like a cake-and-coffee thing at the parish hall.

 

[dachsiemom2]

A good friend of mine had a coworker who invited some to the wedding and some to wedding and reception. Caused much conflict and hurt feelings. Of course this was also the same person who indicated on the invitations that cash was preferred for a gift.

Personally, I would be very hurt if invited to the wedding but not the reception. If not good enough for both, then not good enough for an invitation all together.

I would suggest looking at options that make it affordable to invite everyone to both. I know someone who had a morning wedding followed by very elegant champagne brunch - cost less than half per person than an evening reception. The big advantage was that they had the remainder of the day together and weren’t worn out the next day when they left on their honeymoon. I know someone else who rented a picnic pavillion and hired someone to BBQ and cater. Casual dress, all kids were invited also and she had someone organize activities for the kids. Another good friend of mine had an late morning/early afternoon wedding and lunch afterwards. Bar was open for an hour or so and she had a DJ. Was held at a Marriott and the food was great - one of the best meals I have had at a reception.

Always alternatives.

 

[Honus]

Inviting someone to the wedding only is in poor taste.