Wedding Mass but not Reception?

[ejlo1]

When we were dating, DH and I used to meet for 7:30 am daily mass together at the same church where we got married. All of the other regulars at that mass knew us and were happy to know when when we got engaged. The day before we got married, we announced that our wedding would take place the next day and even though we didn’t have enough space at the hall to invite them to the reception, we would love to see them at our wedding ceremony.

The wedding ceremony is a public mass so anyone can attend if they like. Just like anyone can show up at a funeral mass without a specific invitation. I know my mother has gone to several wedding masses without a formal invitation. She views it as a way to support and encourage an appreciation for the beauty of our faith and of the mass.

You may just want to spread the word about the time and place of the wedding and let your friends show up if they wish. But I would not send a formal invitation to people who are not invited to the reception.

 

[Phemie]

It is possible, though, to have something like an open invitation to your whole parish, that is, without specific written invitations sent to each parishioner, with a very limited reception afterward on the parish grounds, and then later in the day to have a small reception at another venue later that is only for those who are specifically invited. This might be a solution if the “devout” people you are talking about are people that you only know through church.

Heck, in the community where I grew up and got married, marriages (whether Nuptial Mass or Liturgy of the Word) were always announced in the bulletin on the previous Sunday and it was a given that anyone who wanted to attend the ceremony was more than welcome. That’s why my wedding photos show way more people in the church than on my guest list. A lot of my classmates’ parents were there to see another one of the ‘kids’ get married and to wish us the best.

 

[smallcat]

It’s worse than tacky, it’s insulting. Either change your reception plans so that it is less expensive (make it a luncheon, or a dessert reception, or hold it somewhere else) -or- invite fewer people to the wedding. You can’t have it both ways. Maybe some of your other friends would be hurt by not being invited but it’s much easier to explain that you’re having a smaller wedding for [whatever reason] than having to explain that they’re close enough friends for you to want them at the wedding but not close enough to pay for their dinner at the reception.

Putting an announcement in the church bulletin is a wonderful idea- lets the community know that everyone is welcome to the public celebration of the marriage sacrament.

 

[Sierrah]

Why have a big to-do reception. My brother had a semi-catered bbq. It was something like $3 per plate. If outdoor isn’t an option see if the parish hall is available. A package of white plastic table cloths, a few floral centerpieces and a “sit where you want” attitude can get you alot.

Also consider “hiring” and older teen to DJ for the “daddy/daughter & mother/son” dances and providing music from your own collection. Many parish halls now have PA systems so you won’t even need to buy speakers …maybe just a “summer fun” sort of CD. There are plenty of ways to do a cheap and tactful recption. If you’re worried about behavior nix the booze at the event. It won’t kill anyone.

I like the BBQ idea. Keep me in mind for the next one!

 

[CSUNGerrie]

I will pray for you!

I can understand why you seem torn…you have a limited budget which is completely understandable! You probably are already obligated to invite a certain list of family and friends and that cannot be changed. I seem to get the impression that there are lovely people of faith in your community that you would love to share in your Mass but that you cannot afford to invite to dinner.

I would urge you to resist inviting them, as much as you beleive that the Mass is the most important part (which it IS) the reception is a celebration! Jesus Christ performed his first miracle at a wedding reception!!! This shows clearly that wedding receptions are not trivial events…they are worthy of God’s miraculous touch!

If I may share: If I were invited to the wedding but not the reception…I would not gossip, yell, curse or show anger, but to be honest I would be a little hurt and that could in turn hurt the friendship.

Do what ever you can to include these wonderful people of faith to your party. Again, I will pray for you. God bless, hope this helps.

Thank you everyone for your honest replies.

Monica,
You totally read my intentions. Yes, I am not trying to be a jerk. I REALLY want these people to come. They are close friends. But my fiancee and I are broke. So as hard as it is, we need to limit our reception. If it was up to me, I would personally not want to have a reception because 1) I dont care for receptions, 2) I feel a bit uncomfortable with spending so much money for a reception, 3) to avoid this problem all together. I WANT my friends to come to our nuptual mass. Not for the presents (heck… I actually dont even want presents!) but so that they can witness our marriage.

I have considered not inviting them at all to avoid the whole reception issue but I am very torn at the idea that I cant invite close friends to the Nuptial Mass because we cant afford a big reception.

I am not saying my friends dont like to party, or dont have feelings. I am unsure why anyone would assume that I would assume that. My misguided bias is to assume that my devout friends would think,

“Oh… I understand. Receptions are very expensive and I know that if you had the financial means, you would invite me. I am glad I can attend your nuptial mass because atleast I can witness your union and celebrate in the house of God.”

But based on the comments I have been getting, it seems like this is not what they would be thinking. Yes, your all right, assuming that they would want to bring a gift is very arrogant of me. I assumed people would want to do it out of tradition.I wansnt assuming they should bring a gift.

I still dont know what to do. I really do feel unconformable with spending $6-10,000 for one 3 hour dinner. And at the same time, I feel a bit upset that I cant invite friends to the nuptial mass because I dont have the financial means of paying for their $40 plate of food.
Ughh… I dont even want the reception!

I would say that my fiance generally feels the same way I do. We have both been spending the most amount of time and money putting together the Mass.

This is what I think we might end up doing please give me your feedback… I think I will throw a BBQ days or a week before the wedding and invite the friends I cant invite to the reception. During the BBQ I will approach each of my uninvited friends independently and explain my situation and remind them how much I regret that I cant invite them.
Even this seems like a ****** idea.

I really feel like not inviting these friends to the Mass is out of the question for me. At the same time, I agree with all of you that they would feel hurt and be “low class.” Ughh… what do I do?! Please pray for my fiancee and I to do what is right.

thank you,
Gerardo

 

[newf]

This is what I think we might end up doing please give me your feedback… I think I will throw a BBQ days or a week before the wedding and invite the friends I cant invite to the reception. During the BBQ I will approach each of my uninvited friends independently and explain my situation and remind them how much I regret that I cant invite them.
Even this seems like a ****** idea.

I really feel like not inviting these friends to the Mass is out of the question for me. At the same time, I agree with all of you that they would feel hurt and be “low class.” Ughh… what do I do?! Please pray for my fiancee and I to do what is right.

thank you,
Gerardo

I don’t think you need to explain to anyone why they are not invited to your reception. This is still singling them out and letting them know they didn’t make the cut… I don’t think that is the message you want to send.

If it is so important to you to share your day with your friends whom you cannot afford to have at the reception, why don’t you skip the expensive reception and just have a BBQ instead? Just make it a lower key affair… everyone can come to the church and then to a park or something afterward for a picnic.

If you decide to do the reception, just invite the people you can afford and let it go. Don’t apologize for anything. You don’t owe anyone an invitation for your wedding.

I wish you all the best. And congratulations!!

 

[nodito]

This is what I think we might end up doing please give me your feedback… I think I will throw a BBQ days or a week before the wedding and invite the friends I cant invite to the reception. During the BBQ I will approach each of my uninvited friends independently and explain my situation and remind them how much I regret that I cant invite them.
Even this seems like a ****** idea.

Gerardo, if you’re going to throw a BBQ anyway, why not make THAT your reception? A BBQ can be a wonderful reception. There’s no law or etiquette rule that says that you have to spend $40 per plate.

It IS rude to invite people to a wedding but not a reception. I would be really hurt if that happened to me. It’s still rude even if you explain to your friends individually why you cannot invite them to the party.

You’re right, the mass is the most important part, but the celebration afterwards is important too. Since you don’t care much for receptions, it shouldn’t matter if you choose to throw yours in a pool hall or in your backyard.

God bless, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

 

[dachsiemom2]

I was thinking - invite everyone you want by invitation to the church and afterwards have a reception at the church for everyone and serve cake, beverage - maybe a few appetizers. You could then go around and greet everyone and not spend much money. Afterward go out someplace very special with your immediate family and bridal party - have a nice dinner and call it a day.

My cousin got married quite a few years ago and she and her husband didn’t have a lot of money to spend. Her husband’s parents hosted a very nice rehersal party the night before with a nice dinner, inviting the bridal party and immediate family - anyone from out of town. She had an evening wedding (Lutheran Church) and served cake and punch in the church reception room. Her aunt made many dozens of fancy Italian cookies for the reception and they were a big hit. Everyone had a nice time.

I like the brunch idea myself. From what I have heard from others the cost is much, much less than a formal reception. Offer a champagne toast and forget the open bar, DJ/band, etc. Enjoy the rest of the day together.

I know someone else who got married several years ago and was 2nd marriage for both. They really didn’t want a wedding but his kids wanted them to have one. Got married in a Lutheran Church and the only ones invited were immediate family (which was probably 20-30). She bought a pretty dress that was simple and elegant and they had a photographer come and take pics. No one knew they were getting married except family that way no one got their feelings hurt. After returning from their honeymoom - announced to friends and other family that they were married.

I like simple and easy myself. Lots of options.

 

[EasterJoy]

The usual fall-back when finances are tight and the guest list can’t be gracefully trimmed is a church wedding with a cake-and-coffee reception. If anyone is travelling to come to the wedding, they are included in any family-and-bridal-party events that take place before the wedding, if at all possible.

If you’re really really totally broke, you may want to consider that it is getting more popular even for couples of means to be married at their parish’s Saturday vigil Mass or the last Sunday morning Mass, and then to celebrate afterward in the parish hall during whatever after-Mass get-together the parish usually has. The couple supplies a cake, perhaps. They choose a weekend that has Sunday readings they think would be nice for a wedding.

What the couples that had the means for a big reception do is to donate the money they would have spent on a reception to the parish or directly to the poor, because they’re offended at the idea of spending that much on themselves. They might provide the weekend’s flowers in the color scheme of that fits their wedding and the liturgical needs of the parish, saving the parish the money that would have gone towards flowers that weekend.

I also know of couples that have a very small and/or simple wedding when they get married, because that is all they can afford or have the time to plan under the circumstances or because the wedding takes place somewhere that it isn’t practical for their would-be guests to attend. Later, when (and if) they have the money and the inclination, they throw the dinner-and-dancing thing to celebrate an anniversary.

 

[EasterJoy]

PS One couple I knew had a pot luck reception. It was a very simple wedding, but there is something very wrong about getting an invitation that tells you both a) where the couple is registered and b) what sort of dish you should plan on contributing to the reception. I think having a wedding in a timeframe so that guests won’t expect a lot of food will be offered is a better way to go. If you have a 7 pm wedding, though, make it clear on the invitation that the reception afterwards is “coffee and cake” or “dessert buffet and dancing”. It is very OK not to offer a meal, but make sure the guests know that it won’t be forthcoming and set the time so they can eat before they come.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I agree that you should consider a “backyard” type of reception. Is anyone in your family pressuring you to have a “fancy” wedding? If not, go for a casual party, and invite everyone! I personally would be happy to attend a “reception” that offered hot dogs and potato salad! Who cares?

 

[1ke]

Take your budget reception and divide it by the number of people you want to invite. This will give you the per person budget you have to work with. Then talk to your caterer and ask what they can offer you for that per person price. It might be dinner, it might be appetizers, it might be cake and ice cream. Go from there. Generally a caterer has something for everyone. Talk to other caterers and look at homemade options if yours does not give you any solutions that are satisfactory.

 

[EasterJoy]

Take your budget reception and divide it by the number of people you want to invite.

And then multiply by 0.9 if you’re brave, 0.75 if you’re not.
Weddings, like home remodels and vacations, have this way of straying over budget. If you only go over by 10%, that is a good combination of luck and self-discipline.

 

[cmscms]

Thank you everyone for your honest replies.

Monica,
You totally read my intentions. Yes, I am not trying to be a jerk. I REALLY want these people to come. They are close friends. But my fiancee and I are broke.

Thank you for explaining this. Your first post did not come across in a good way. I now see you are a good person at heart and I apologize for being so hard on you in my first post.

Ughh… I dont even want the reception!

I would say that my fiance generally feels the same way I do. .

Ok, then why are you having the reception? It sounds to me that either your parents or his are insisting. BIG RED FLAG. You and your fiance are adults and make 100% of the decisions starting with whether or not to have a reception. If you let your parents butt in, then they will tell you where to live, what to name the kids etc etc.

I think you need to seriously reconsider things. You only plan on getting married, make sure you have no regrets later on

CM

 

[Nanny_PK]

Ok, then why are you having the reception? It sounds to me that either your parents or his are insisting. BIG RED FLAG. You and your fiance are adults and make 100% of the decisions starting with whether or not to have a reception. If you let your parents butt in, then they will tell you where to live, what to name the kids etc etc.

I think you need to seriously reconsider things. You only plan on getting married, make sure you have no regrets later on

CM

I agree a hundred percent. My philosophy is he who pays makes the decisions. If your parents/his parents are insisting on a certain type of reception and they are paying, you might be in a bit of a pickle. If you’re paying, you have the right to decide what you want to do. If it’s important to you to have the people that love and support you there, then plan the reception accordingly – i.e., dessert and coffee, appetizers, et cetera.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Why do people think you NEED to spend $40 per plate?

A friend of mine did NOT have a lavish reception but she didn’t let money stand in her way. She and her husband invited all dear friends of theirs and instead had a very beautiful cake and coffee affair. I was unable to attend, so I don’t know if they had a champagne toast or not (she’s not a teetotaler, likes her wine, but she comes from a Southern Baptist background, so I don’t know her family’s feelings about that). They didn’t want to exclude people, but they didn’t have money. So they kept it simple. Simplicity is sometimes more beautiful, anyway.

For me, I’m sure I will try and go all out, but I’d negotiate prices and look into different catering companies. I’d also probably allow wine to be served but not have an open bar. And no DJ…I know a lot of musicians (and I am one), I’d probably ask friends of mine to do it and arrange a price with them. Or, just keep it simple…Receptions don’t need to be lavish or expensive to be fun.

 

[CSUNGerrie]

Hello Everyone,
Again, thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. My fiancee and I considered the matter further and decided to invite all the people on our guest list. It is more expensive but we felt you were all right. We made a deposit for the reception hall this evening.

Thank you for your thoughts on this matter!