Wedding problems with family

[EnglishTeacher]

So I recently got engaged and am planning to get married this fall.

However, my family (all of whom are Baptist) are all refusing to participate in the wedding because it will be a Catholic wedding in a Catholic church. I don’t really know what to do. I have always been close to my family, and was a bridesmaid in all my sisters’ weddings, and always pictured that they would be in mine. I don’t know how to deal with the prospect of having a sad, awkward wedding where everyone wonders why my family isn’t taking part or why my dad isn’t walking me down the aisle. I don’t even know if I would be able to keep up a happy face; I would probably be on the verge of tears the whole day.

Of course I knew that they have always been upset by my becoming Catholic, but I guess I didn’t think they would refuse to participate in my wedding. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Maybe some suggestions on getting them to change their minds on being in the wedding (unlikely, I know), or something to break through the total wall that they have in their minds against Catholicism? (In my experience, they’re not open to reading or hearing anything about the Catholic Church, so I don’t really know what that would be.) I’m kind of at a loss.

 

[1ke]

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I am sure it is very painful to think that they will not be there.

talk to your pastor and see what he suggests. I am sure he has encountered difficult families before.

 

[Della]

You can do a couple of things, so don’t despair. Talk to your priest, as 1ke suggested. He can propose some options.

1. You may get a dispensation from the bishop to hold your wedding in a Protestant church with a priest or deacon officiating/witnessing the wedding.
2. You may have your family talk to your priest so he can reassure them that your wedding will be just as Christian as in a Baptist church so that they will see it’s fine to attend your wedding in your Catholic parish.

Is your fiance Catholic? I assume he is. What about his family? Would his family be open to talking to yours about the wedding? If they got to know each other your family’s misgivings might be calmed.

Also, you can reassure your family that you are still a Christian and that by becoming Catholic you didn’t abandon Christ, rather you have a deeper relationship with him now and that all the good things you learned as a Baptist you took into the Catholic Church with you.

And pray about it, of course. Let the Holy Spirit soften their hearts. If they won’t come for any reason, even if you get a dispensation, then you will suffer for Christ. It would be a lot to give up, I know, if they simply won’t have any wedding unless it is strictly Baptist, but Jesus told us that even our own families might not accept us if we faithfully follow Christ.

It is up to them to be accommodating because it is your wedding not theirs. If they won’t cooperate in any way, you did your best to be reasonable. There’s nothing more you can do. I hope you can find the right solution, though. I will remember your intention in prayer today.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Dear Teacher,

I am sorry that you are going through this. Have you explained to your family that even though we participate in Mass differently we are all Christians. We all believe in and give praise to God, the same God. For them to denounce another Christian faith is almost hypocritical.

Let them know that even though you do not worship as they do – in their mass, you still supported them and you would like that same kind of respect. You are not asking them to convert but just show their love for you as a family member.

Let them know if they start stating how the Catholic Church is not a true Christian Church that the Baptist church was founded by John Smyth in 1605, and that the Catholic Church was founded by Simon whom Jesus called Peter the Rock in Circa 30-1. Even though that may cause a bit of drama.

But try to explain again that you are just looking for their support of your wedding. Hopefully their dislike (to put is nice) for the Catholic Church will not blind them to your happiness.

I pray that God grants you peace and a happy loving marriage.

Winter

 

[Della]

Another suggestion for you, if it’s the Mass that bothers them so much that they won’t attend your wedding, you can omit the Mass as part of the wedding ceremony. Of course, that is up to you, your fiance, and your priest to decide. All the best.

 

[Mayita30]

You can do a couple of things, so don’t despair. Talk to your priest, as 1ke suggested. He can propose some options.

1. You may get a dispensation from the bishop to hold your wedding in a Protestant church with a priest or deacon officiating/witnessing the wedding.

She is already a Catholic… A dispensation is only for non-catholics. The advice you gave above is a ground for annulment - lack of form (not a sacrament)

 

[Mayita30]

Dear Teacher,

I am sorry that you are going through this. Have you explained to your family that even though we participate in Mass differently we are all Christians. We all believe in and give praise to God, the same God. For them to denounce another Christian faith is almost hypocritical.

Let them know that even though you do not worship as they do – in their mass, you still supported them and you would like that same kind of respect. You are not asking them to convert but just show their love for you as a family member.

Let them know if they start stating how the Catholic Church is not a true Christian Church that the Baptist church was founded by John Smyth in 1605, and that the Catholic Church was founded by Simon whom Jesus called Peter the Rock in Circa 30-1. Even though that may cause a bit of drama.

But try to explain again that you are just looking for their support of your wedding. Hopefully their dislike (to put is nice) for the Catholic Church will not blind them to your happiness.

I pray that God grants you peace and a happy loving marriage.

Winter

I like your post winter. However I just want to make a slight correction. The Catholic CHurch wasnt founded by Simon Peter. Jesus himself founded the CHurch and he later on passed it down or entrusted his Church to his aspostle, Peter… from Peter then came a long line of Popes for the next 2000 yrs.

 

[1ke]

She is already a Catholic… A dispensation is only for non-catholics.

This is not entirely correct.

a) A dispensation from form can be granted by the local Ordinary in a mixed marriage situation. We do not know if her fiancé is Catholic or not. If he is not, it is certainly possible for a dispensation from form to be obtained. If they are both Catholic, then it is not possible.

b) A dispensation from form when the marriage involves two Catholics is possible. However, it is reserved to the Apostolic See. So it is possible for the OP to petition to have the wedding somewhere other than a Catholic church even if both she and her fiancé are Catholic. The Church foresees circumstances such as this involving converts to the faith.

c) Even if a dispensation from form is not obtained, it is still possible to receive permission from the Ordinary to have the marriage celebrated in the Catholic form (i.e. with a priest or deacon and two witnesses) in a location other than a Catholic church or chapel (Canon 1118.2). I believe this is what Della was referring to, even though she used the term “dispensation” instead of “permission”.

Form and location are two different things.

The advice you gave above is a ground for annulment - lack of form (not a sacrament)

Well, no.

If a person actually does receive a dispensation from Catholic form, then the marriage would be valid. It cannot “lack form” if a dispensation from form has been given.

 

[Mayita30]

This is not entirely correct.

a) A dispensation from form can be granted by the local Ordinary in a mixed marriage situation. We do not know if her fiancé is Catholic or not. If he is not, it is certainly possible for a dispensation from form to be obtained. If they are both Catholic, then it is not possible.

b) A dispensation from form when the marriage involves two Catholics is possible. However, it is reserved to the Apostolic See. So it is possible for the OP to petition to have the wedding somewhere other than a Catholic church even if both she and her fiancé are Catholic. The Church foresees circumstances such as this involving converts to the faith.

c) Even if a dispensation from form is not obtained, it is still possible to receive permission from the Ordinary to have the marriage celebrated in the Catholic form (i.e. with a priest or deacon and two witnesses) in a location other than a Catholic church or chapel (Canon 1118.2).

Form and location are two different things.

Well, no.

If a person actually does receive a dispensation from Catholic form, then the marriage would be valid. It cannot “lack form” if a dispensation from form has been given.

How can marrying in a protestant CHurch with only a priest as a witness be considered as a sacrament…down the road…it will still be considered for annulment if the marriage does not work out…If she really wants to marry the Catholic way, she has to do it the Catholic way… A cousin of mine also got a dispensation, all he had was a catholic blessing not a catholic wedding…

 

[Mayita30]

Dear OP

First of all COngratulations on your wedding !!! None of us here are actually qualified to comment regarding your case. Woud you know any spritiual director or priest who can advise you on such matters? Another thing I would like to tell you is that your Family will always be your family no matter what. Just pray for them and respect whatever decision they will have to make.

 

[UbiCaritas]

A few years ago, I was the maid of honor in a wedding in similar circumstances, except that it was the groom and his family who weren’t Catholic. (They were Southern Nothing-In-Particular-But-Most-Assuredly-Not-EEEEEEK!-Papist, to be specific. )

What helped in their case was having several of their family members sit down with the couple and the couple’s priest for a courteous chat in a neutral area–a diner, as I recall. This way, the priest, who was really an excellent diplomat, could introduce himself to them, remark on how honored he was to be presiding at the wedding, and how glad he was that they’d raised their son to have such a good understanding of marriage and the Bible. He understood they had some concerns about the marriage, and could they perhaps come to some sort of understanding about it?

After all, he was a minister of the state as well as of the Catholic Church, and the family would have no problem if the couple got married in a registry office or by a nondemoninational minister, he pointed out that they could look at it less as an EEEK! PAPIST IDOLATERS! function and more as “Sam and Julie love each other. We all agree about a lot of the basics about marriage. Since you agree that they will still be married if they’re married in the Catholic Church, even though you don’t like the circumstances, can we agree to respect one another’s differences and come together for the wedding? Is there any way that I can make you feel more comfortable* about it?” I wonder if this could also be the case for your family: since, unless I’m much mistaken, Baptists don’t believe in sacramental marriage, and the priest would be a minister of the state, then surely they’d see you as married at the end of the day anyhow?

Another thing that helped was that the family had known me for some time, and though they were a bit cautious about the whole Papist business, they liked me a lot. I acted as a kind of go-between before and after the wedding, explaining what the various aspects meant. One guest actually thanked me afterwards, and said wonderingly that she didn’t think there would be Scripture in a Catholic ceremony, but “there was so much!”

Are any of these options possible for you? Either to have the priest or deacon meet with them on neutral ground (can’t emphasize this enough–asking your family to meet him in his rectory office would be rather off-putting), and/or to have someone they know who is Catholic but who they like to help ease them over some of the issues?

Finally, what, specifically, are their arguments against coming?

*obviously, excluding anything that he couldn’t agree to within the boundaries of the Church

 

[Xantippe]

So I recently got engaged and am planning to get married this fall.

However, my family (all of whom are Baptist) are all refusing to participate in the wedding because it will be a Catholic wedding in a Catholic church. I don’t really know what to do. I have always been close to my family, and was a bridesmaid in all my sisters’ weddings, and always pictured that they would be in mine. I don’t know how to deal with the prospect of having a sad, awkward wedding where everyone wonders why my family isn’t taking part or why my dad isn’t walking me down the aisle. I don’t even know if I would be able to keep up a happy face; I would probably be on the verge of tears the whole day.

Of course I knew that they have always been upset by my becoming Catholic, but I guess I didn’t think they would refuse to participate in my wedding. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Maybe some suggestions on getting them to change their minds on being in the wedding (unlikely, I know), or something to break through the total wall that they have in their minds against Catholicism? (In my experience, they’re not open to reading or hearing anything about the Catholic Church, so I don’t really know what that would be.) I’m kind of at a loss.

Bummer.

Would they attend your wedding if they weren’t “in” the wedding? Ask them. They may be more open to that. Also, consider having a meeting with your immediate family and their Baptist pastor and ask what your Baptist pastor thinks of them attending your Catholic wedding. Is it actually the case that their Baptist faith forbids doing that? Bring along (or give in advance) one of those booklets with the order of the Catholic wedding service so they can see if there is actually anything objectionable there. (Unless these are really out there Baptists, there shouldn’t be.) The placing of a bouquet in front of a statue of Mary is likely to cause conniption fits, but you don’t have to do that.

We had a somewhat similar (but not religiously motivated) situation where one set of parents refused to attend our wedding because we were getting married faster than they thought reasonable. (???) We shelved the idea of a big family wedding (because of the issues you mention–the awkward total absence of one side of the family) and did a tiny Catholic elopement type wedding with just the two of us and a handful of friends. I made a lunch for everybody myself and economically speaking, we came out way ahead.

You don’t have to go that small, but it might be a good idea to go smaller and lower-key than you planned (and maybe keep arrangements flexible just in case your family caves and shows up).

It was sad at the time not to do a family wedding in my hometown, but long term, it has not been a problem. Our balky relatives eventually acknowledged our marriage (it took one of them a while, though).

Best wishes!

 

[OraLabora]

How can marrying in a protestant CHurch with only a priest as a witness be considered as a sacrament…down the road…it will still be considered for annulment if the marriage does not work out…If she really wants to marry the Catholic way, she has to do it the Catholic way… A cousin of mine also got a dispensation, all he had was a catholic blessing not a catholic wedding…

The priest is not the minister of the sacrament, the couple are. The marriage is valid if officiated in the Catholic form regardless of location, or in another form if with the proper dispensations.

 

[12345678]

The priest is not the minister of the sacrament, the couple are. The marriage is valid if officiated in the Catholic form regardless of location, or in another form if with the proper dispensations.

They would need to get permission to have it in a different place even if the form is Catholic.

 

[1ke]

How can marrying in a protestant CHurch with only a priest as a witness be considered as a sacrament…

That is not what I said. Catholic form requires an official witness of the Church (who is typically a priest or deacon, but who can be a lay person, plus two additional witnesses).

If a person obtains the proper dispensation from form, their marriage is valid when witnessed by someone other than the designated Church witness because the Church says so.

The options are:

a) Marry in the Catholic form (which requires an official witness of the Church, who is usually a priest or deacon, plus at least two additional witnesses) in a Catholic Church.

b) Marry in the Catholic form with permission from the bishop for the ceremony to take place somewhere other than a Catholic church.

c) Ask for and obtain a dispensation from form from the Ordinary in the case of a mixed marriage (Catholic and non-Catholic). If a person receives a dispensation from form, they would not be married by the priest or deacon. They would be married by a non-Catholic minister or a civil officiant in a location other than a Catholic church.

d) Ask for and obtain a dispensation from form for two Catholic from the Apostolic See. They would be married somewhere other than a Catholic church by someone other than a Catholic priest or deacon.

Any of the four above scenarios are valid marriages.

down the road…it will still be considered for annulment if the marriage does not work out…I

This is not correct. A marriage conducted according to canonical form, or one conducted with a dispensation from form, are valid.

They are valid because the Church says they are valid ways to marry. Therefore, this is not grounds for a decree of nullity.

If she really wants to marry the Catholic way, she has to do it the Catholic way…

The “Catholic way” is to follow Canon Law. Canon Law allows for all four of the items I outlined above. A person who follows the Church’s law on marriage is doing it the “Catholic way”.

A cousin of mine also got a dispensation, all he had was a catholic blessing not a catholic wedding…

Perhaps you are confusing dispensation and convalidation.

 

[1ke]

They would need to get permission to have it in a different place even if the form is Catholic.

While it is true that one requires permission to celebrate a marriage in the Catholic form in an alternative location, validity does not rest on location. If a priest married a couple under a tree with the two witnesses but without permission from the Ordinary, it would be illicit but 100% valid.

 

[Xantippe]

You may also want to put some thought into whether or not a wedding Mass is a good idea, particularly if there will be a lot of non-Catholics present.

Your pastor will have some thoughts on this.

 

[SyroMalankara]

So I recently got engaged and am planning to get married this fall.

However, my family (all of whom are Baptist) are all refusing to participate in the wedding because it will be a Catholic wedding in a Catholic church. I don’t really know what to do. I have always been close to my family, and was a bridesmaid in all my sisters’ weddings, and always pictured that they would be in mine. I don’t know how to deal with the prospect of having a sad, awkward wedding where everyone wonders why my family isn’t taking part or why my dad isn’t walking me down the aisle. I don’t even know if I would be able to keep up a happy face; I would probably be on the verge of tears the whole day.

Of course I knew that they have always been upset by my becoming Catholic, but I guess I didn’t think they would refuse to participate in my wedding. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Maybe some suggestions on getting them to change their minds on being in the wedding (unlikely, I know), or something to break through the total wall that they have in their minds against Catholicism? (In my experience, they’re not open to reading or hearing anything about the Catholic Church, so I don’t really know what that would be.) I’m kind of at a loss.

This is shameful, on their part. This practice of “shunning” is anything but Christian. Imagine how they will treat your future Catholic children. I hope your marriage is strengthened by this bigoted behavior and you and your spouse grow closer together.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I am sure it is very painful to think that they will not be there.

talk to your pastor and see what he suggests. I am sure he has encountered difficult families before.

Thank you. We will be meeting with our pastor next week anyway, so we will definitely see what he has to say.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You can do a couple of things, so don’t despair. Talk to your priest, as 1ke suggested. He can propose some options.

1. You may get a dispensation from the bishop to hold your wedding in a Protestant church with a priest or deacon officiating/witnessing the wedding.

Thanks! My fiancé is Catholic, too, so we wouldn’t be able to hold it in a Protestant church, but I will ask our priest about other options that we may have.

You may have your family talk to your priest so he can reassure them that your wedding will be just as Christian as in a Baptist church so that they will see it’s fine to attend your wedding in your Catholic parish.

It would be a small miracle if my family agreed to talk with a Catholic priest . . . but you never know. I will certainly try it. I believe he would be willing–not sure about them, though.

Is your fiance Catholic? I assume he is. What about his family? Would his family be open to talking to yours about the wedding? If they got to know each other your family’s misgivings might be calmed.

Yes, he is Catholic, and his parents are strong Catholics as well. I would like to get the two sets of parents together at some point to meet each other anyway, so this might be a good thing. Whether it would change my parents’ and siblings’ minds is doubtful, but this is a good suggestion that I will try.

Also, you can reassure your family that you are still a Christian and that by becoming Catholic you didn’t abandon Christ, rather you have a deeper relationship with him now and that all the good things you learned as a Baptist you took into the Catholic Church with you.

I try to. They don’t buy it. The depths of their aversion to the Catholic Church is much greater than that of your average Protestant. They are convinced that I am no longer “living for the Lord,” that I must have “quenched the Holy Spirit” to have fallen for the lies of the Catholic Church, and they worry that I may not really be “saved.” So it’s all an uphill battle, to say the least.

And pray about it, of course. Let the Holy Spirit soften their hearts. If they won’t come for any reason, even if you get a dispensation, then you will suffer for Christ. It would be a lot to give up, I know, if they simply won’t have any wedding unless it is strictly Baptist, but Jesus told us that even our own families might not accept us if we faithfully follow Christ.

It is up to them to be accommodating because it is your wedding not theirs. If they won’t cooperate in any way, you did your best to be reasonable. There’s nothing more you can do. I hope you can find the right solution, though. I will remember your intention in prayer today.

This I will do; I will definitely pray. And thank you very much for your prayers, as well.