Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[aicirt]

Did you know that churches in our area are trying to do away with the father giving the bride away? The bride is not a possession to given to a man. Rather, since the couple bestows the sacrament to each other with priest as witness, our area is trying to promote the bride and groom walking in with the priest during the procession.

I could not find anything on this. Where is cited as Church policy?

And a bride is not a possession but a treasure. I truly fail to understand why this is such a step forward. If you are lucky to still have a Dad by the time you are married, and he’s been a good father and you have a loving relationship, why would you not want him to escort you down the aisle??

Where are you getting your info?

 

[EasterJoy]

In all fairness,I think Xantippe and I both had horrid “budding in” experiences. Also, none of us know the extent of the hurt that has taken place “both ways.” The parent’s sadness may not be justified. That was the case with my wedding. Too much drama. We called off the big wedding and moved it out of state.

What parents need to realize is how this can start a policy of choosing venues for family events that avoid drama brought by the parents, whenever it is possible. If that happens, then after awhile the parents wonder if they’re being punished every time a family decision by one of their children runs counter to their preferences. The devil can run wild when a family starts going covert with their aggression because of the pain they suffered when honest overt communication was misused by someone and reconciliation never achieved after the wrong.

 

[pensmama87]

Bride and groom together has been how the Rite is written since the mid 70s and some priests give you no option on this configuration.

Others are willing to let the bride have her moment in the sun like you see on TV weddings. In my present parish I’ve only known one bride and groom walk in together. They were former religious who knew the liturgy inside and out and were going to do everything as the Church preferred.

I know the conversation has moved on from here, but:

We had the option, but frankly we were relieved that “being escorted by dad” was not an actual “thing.” I didn’t like the message it sends, and am glad it’s not part of the Catholic theology of marriage.

I felt amazing walking down the aisle with my very-soon-to-be-husband. My dad escorted my mom down the aisle right before the procession started (same with the in-laws.) That’s all either of them did during the wedding.

We did have a “maid of honor” and “best man,” who served as the official witnesses.

 

[Phemie]

I could not find anything on this. Where is cited as Church policy?

And a bride is not a possession but a treasure. I truly fail to understand why this is such a step forward. If you are lucky to still have a Dad by the time you are married, and he’s been a good father and you have a loving relationship, why would you not want him to escort you down the aisle??

Where are you getting your info?

It’s in the ritual book of the Church. The Wedding Rite. It starts with the priest coming to the back of the church to greet the couple and then the couple processing together up the aisle after the priest, either alone or accompanied by their parents and witnesses. There is certainly no expectation that the groom is at the altar waiting with bated breath for his bride to walk down the aisle and the Rite makes it clear that the bride is not given away by her father and that’s why it expresses the strong preference for the bride and groom to walk in together.

The Rite does allow for the ceremony society has come to expect, but it is not the Church’s preference.

I got married in 1975 and we were greeted at the door of the church by the priest so this is NOT new.

Another thing that is not in the Marriage Rite is the groom kissing the bride after the exchange of vows. Our priest didn’t allow that since it was not in the Rite.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ok, full disclosure…this thread was hitting a little too close to home for me. Let’s just say DH and I postponed first wedding and changed venues (and paid for it ourselves) due to uncharitable family members who wanted the day to be about them and not me and my DH.

In our case, it was an over-bearing aunt in my parent’s parish. We didn’t want my mother to have to deal with her, because she thought her personal policies came from the Pope. We had other reasons for choosing another available church, and we gave those as the reason, but it was mainly her and her track record of being a pain in the neck for my mother in particular.

I did have my dad walk me down the aisle, even though I knew it wasn’t the “most Catholic” way to do it. No one in our area did it in the “most Catholic” way and my dad’s feelings would have been hurt. It isn’t wise to let the perfect become the enemy of the good.

 

[aicirt]

It’s in the ritual book of the Church. The Wedding Rite. It starts with the priest coming to the back of the church to greet the couple and then the couple processing together up the aisle after the priest, either alone or accompanied by their parents and witnesses. There is certainly no expectation that the groom is at the altar waiting with bated breath for his bride to walk down the aisle and the Rite makes it clear that the bride is not given away by her father and that’s why it expresses the strong preference for the bride and groom to walk in together.

The Rite does allow for the ceremony society has come to expect, but it is not the Church’s preference.

I got married in 1975 and we were greeted at the door of the church by the priest so this is

Another thing that is not in the Marriage Rite is the groom kissing the bride after the exchange of vows. Our priest didn’t allow that since it was not in the Rite.

Thank you. Looked it up. The only time I’ve ever seen this done in the fifty-five years since it was instituted was at a wedding in Europe.
One site did state that the parents may escort their children. This indicated that the two families are coming together to form a new family. (Believe I said that before so including the parents does have a reason as seen by the Church. )

And I read where the sign of Peace is given, the couple kiss appropriately (shaking hands would be strange) so there is a kiss just like we’d normally do with our spouses at Sunday Mass.

Considering it is not widely practiced, I’ll assume that it is up to the parish priest or bishop to decide how marriages are to be performed.

 

[Xantippe]

In all fairness,I think Xantippe and I both had horrid “budding in” experiences. Also, none of us know the extent of the hurt that has taken place “both ways.” The parent’s sadness may not be justified. That was the case with my wedding. Too much drama. We called off the big wedding and moved it out of state.

Right. We had one side of the family (that had virtually no family members–there are literally no first cousins) declare that 15-20 or so guests total was enough for our wedding when 1) they weren’t going to be paying and 2) that’s what a modest family Christmas party looks like on the other side of the family. That side of the family also wanted to dictate the date (it was allegedly old country tradition to have a 2-year engagement) and there was a lot of other kinds of misbehavior (I think they asked twice if I were pregnant–NOPE!). And then the other side of the family started wigging out when they saw us starting to make concessions to that side of the family…

Similarly to 1990Domer, after many tears and painful conversations, we gave up on the big family hometown wedding with great-aunts and great-uncles that I had envisioned, booked our neighborhood parish, and got married with a three digit budget (paid for by ourselves), a handful of local guests, a homemade lunch, and no family present. But, that decision did not come out of the blue–it was preceded by huge amounts of family drama, including one set of relatives claiming a near car accident and heart attack over our engagement and saying that at least one of them would not come.

I have to say that the spring preceding our wedding was one of the most horrifically stressful times in my life and that while Bridezilla gets a lot of bad press, Momofbridezilla, Dadofbridezilla, Momofgroomzilla and Dadofgroomzilla can be a handful, too.

 

[Phemie]

Thank you. Looked it up. The only time I’ve ever seen this done in the fifty-five years since it was instituted was at a wedding in Europe.
One site did state that the parents may escort their children. This indicated that the two families are coming together to form a new family. (Believe I said that before so including the parents does have a reason as seen by the Church. )

And I read where the sign of Peace is given, the couple kiss appropriately (shaking hands would be strange) so there is a kiss just like we’d normally do with our spouses at Sunday Mass.

Considering it is not widely practiced, I’ll assume that it is up to the parish priest or bishop to decide how marriages are to be performed.

I don’t kiss my family at the Sign of Peace since it’s a ritual action, not a sign of affection.

 

[1990Domer]

I could not find anything on this. Where is cited as Church policy?

And a bride is not a possession but a treasure. I truly fail to understand why this is such a step forward. If you are lucky to still have a Dad by the time you are married, and he’s been a good father and you have a loving relationship, why would you not want him to escort you down the aisle??

Where are you getting your info?

The Archdiocese of Philadelphia…Center for Family Life.

My dad did walk me town the isle. However, we would have done it different and more in accord with the meaning of the sacrament.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you. Looked it up. The only time I’ve ever seen this done in the fifty-five years since it was instituted was at a wedding in Europe.
One site did state that the parents may escort their children. This indicated that the two families are coming together to form a new family. (Believe I said that before so including the parents does have a reason as seen by the Church. )

And I read where the sign of Peace is given, the couple kiss appropriately (shaking hands would be strange) so there is a kiss just like we’d normally do with our spouses at Sunday Mass.

Considering it is not widely practiced, I’ll assume that it is up to the parish priest or bishop to decide how marriages are to be performed.

Yes. I think this is on a diocese by diocese basis. And we neither hold hands at the Our Father or kiss at the sign of peace either, as these are rituals not in accord with the Rite of the Mass.

 

[1990Domer]

Right. We had one side of the family (that had virtually no family members–there are literally no first cousins) declare that 15-20 or so guests total was enough for our wedding when 1) they weren’t going to be paying and 2) that’s what a modest family Christmas party looks like on the other side of the family. That side of the family also wanted to dictate the date (it was allegedly old country tradition to have a 2-year engagement) and there was a lot of other kinds of misbehavior (I think they asked twice if I were pregnant–NOPE!). And then the other side of the family started wigging out when they saw us starting to make concessions to that side of the family…

Similarly to 1990Domer, after many tears and painful conversations, we gave up on the big family hometown wedding with great-aunts and great-uncles that I had envisioned, booked our neighborhood parish, and got married with a three digit budget (paid for by ourselves), a handful of local guests, a homemade lunch, and no family present. But, that decision did not come out of the blue–it was preceded by huge amounts of family drama, including one set of relatives claiming a near car accident and heart attack over our engagement and saying that at least one of them would not come.

I have to say that the spring preceding our wedding was one of the most horrifically stressful times in my life and that while Bridezilla gets a lot of bad press, Momofbridezilla, Dadofbridezilla, Momofgroomzilla and Dadofgroomzilla can be a handful, too.

Are you sure we aren’t related? All I can say is Our Lady must have wanted me to get married at my alma mater. Wedding moved from NJ to Indiana, from 150 to about 30 guests and it ROCKED!!! I remember every moment…with no drama!!! Well, except for the fact that my MIL insisted a family portrait be taken without me (during wedding day) in case DH and I got divorced. She didn’t want to have to airbrush me out of the family portrait! True story. We tell it at every pre-Cana!

 

[Xantippe]

Are you sure we aren’t related? All I can say is Our Lady must have wanted me to get married at my alma mater. Wedding moved from NJ to Indiana, from 150 to about 30 guests and it ROCKED!!! I remember every moment…with no drama!!! Well, except for the fact that my MIL insisted a family portrait be taken without me (during wedding day) in case DH and I got divorced. She didn’t want to have to airbrush me out of the family portrait! True story. We tell it at every pre-Cana!

Oh my goodness!

 

[TeachCatechism]

The whole "seeing the bride at the altar’ is based on superstition which has no place in a Catholic ceremony.

The Catholic Rite actually advises the bride and groom to greet their guests at the door of the church. Then they in turn are greeted by the priest at the door and process up last in the entrance procession.

True but I think it’s cool for the groom to be surprised. Then again no idea if/when I’ll marry so for me it’s a moot point.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I could not find anything on this. Where is cited as Church policy?

And a bride is not a possession but a treasure. I truly fail to understand why this is such a step forward. If you are lucky to still have a Dad by the time you are married, and he’s been a good father and you have a loving relationship, why would you not want him to escort you down the aisle??

Where are you getting your info?

I’m a very modern woman, I will continue to work no matter what, I hate stereotypical bridal showers etc but I like the idea of my dad walking me down the aisle. He’s been a part of my life and he would be hurt if he wasn’t able to. If by chance he is deceased by the time I marry I’d walk myself down. I think this depends on things like closeness.

 

[aicirt]

I don’t kiss my family at the Sign of Peace since it’s a ritual action, not a sign of affection.

Well, it doesn’t make it wrong, does it? I’d feel weird shaking their hands. And it is a sign of affection because I wouldn’t do it to a complete stanger.

 

[Phemie]

Well, it doesn’t make it wrong, does it? I’d feel weird shaking their hands. And it is a sign of affection because I wouldn’t do it to a complete stanger.

But that’s not what the Sign of Peace is for. It’s a ritual gesture and, as such, it should be offered the same way to everyone. So the person sharing my pew gets a handshake, whether that’s my neighbor, a stranger, my husband or my grandchild.

 

[aicirt]

I’m a very modern woman, I will continue to work no matter what, I hate stereotypical bridal showers etc but I like the idea of my dad walking me down the aisle. He’s been a part of my life and he would be hurt if he wasn’t able to. If by chance he is deceased by the time I marry I’d walk myself down. I think this depends on things like closeness.

That’s very sweet. I’m sure your Dad will appreciate it.

If work identifies a woman as modern than my grandmother was modern and she was born in 1875. My Mom was modern because she not only worked (had to because her husband died) but raised a child by herself, bought a house by herself, traveled all over the country, and I never lacked a thing in my life. This from a woman who did it all having complete secretarial studies in high school.

What exactly is a stereotypical bridal shower? It is okay to enjoy stuff. Better that than sticking bills down a guy’s shorts. Your not that modern are you?

 

[EasterJoy]

…with no drama!!! Well, except for the fact that my MIL insisted a family portrait be taken without me (during wedding day) in case DH and I got divorced. She didn’t want to have to airbrush me out of the family portrait! True story. We tell it at every pre-Cana!

If you weren’t the woman you are, there would have been a huge drama!

As you go through the comedy of your life, you want to think about who they’d have to pick to play you in the movie…

 

[Xantippe]

What exactly is a stereotypical bridal shower? It is okay to enjoy stuff. Better that than sticking bills down a guy’s shorts. Your not that modern are you?

People giving you free stuff!!! What’s not to like?

 

[aicirt]

But that’s not what the Sign of Peace is for. It’s a ritual gesture and, as such, it should be offered the same way to everyone. So the person sharing my pew gets a handshake, whether that’s my neighbor, a stranger, my husband or my grandchild.

Naw…hugs for all and kisses too. Ever reach out to shake someone’s hand and they ignore it? Hmmm. Okay, I get it…germs. Took me awhile to get use to the Sign of Peace but then I realized that many around me are elderly and probably don’t have someone touching them at all. So I do make an effort to look them in the eye, give them a meaningful firm but not a knuckle crunching handshake and smile when I offer them the Sign of Peace. Touch is important. Are we off the subject?