Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[1990Domer]

I only breezed through these final posts and need to ask…please…can we all offer up a prayer or act of kindness for someone who really needs our prayers…or better, for someone we may not like?

I am trying to get this thread in a more uplifting mode.

God bless.

 

[1990Domer]

I forgot to add, OP, family of origin issues are thoroughly discussed in nearly all the pre-Cana programs I have been a part of. Our church recommends an engaged couple signs up for marriage prep ASAP just to tackle difficult issues like this and finance.

It is terribly hard to be pushed to the sidelines, but I guess I am of the notion, if you love someone, set them free.

 

[aicirt]

I hate baby showers even more but I’m not much into babies and definitely not interested in hearing about birth, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc. Luckily I know a lot of childless women so this is less of an issue. But yeah definitely off topic. I will say though weddings bring out many issues. For awhile I didn’t talk to my brother and sister in law after their wedding. We’ve healed the rift but it took awhile.

Why? Did you walk out of her shower?

You know you have a lot of issues and a lot of anger. Did you ever consider that there are few men who would even want to attend a bridal shower? If you are fortunate enough to have people willing to throw a party in your honor, I suggest you bite the bullet and act like a real woman…show some gratitude.

You think you’re a modern woman, whatever that might mean, by not having kids, having men at your shower and who knows what type of ceremony you’ve concocted for the wedding if you ever wed. I’m sure rings are out and the vows will be tinkered with. And are you planning on a Catholic ceremony with the no kids thing?

Real women have left their families, got on ships for a better life, established families, bought property, got the right to vote, fought in all our wars, etc. etc. Getting an attitude over a shower compared to what many have done and are doing makes you really shallow. It is not impressive.

Try and laugh more. Life is very short.

 

[Magickman]

The wedding reception is a party thrown by those who foot the bill.

The groom can call the shots if he is paying for it.

 

[Aggie414]

I haven’t read all the responses, but I would just urge caution in disregarding the groom’s (name removed by moderator)ut as it can be a foretelling of future relationship stresses. For example, I had a friend who was getting married and his fiance’s parents refused to put his parents’ name on the wedding invitation. As his mom had remarried, many people might not have realized who John Doe was when they got their invitation without the addition of “son of Jane Doe and John-David Doe.” Unfortunately that was just the start of their issues and needless to say the marriage did not last as his wife was very difficult to deal with – her way or the highway all the time.

I realize there are traditions and customs and those are important but so is the feelings of your future spouse and their family and it’s important to remember that!

 

[EasterJoy]

The wedding reception is a party thrown by those who foot the bill.

The groom can call the shots if he is paying for it.

Oh, if only it were so simple.

Let us remember who we are dealing with when we organize a wedding. We are joining two families in the hopes of making a harmonious whole. We are dealing with the people who will be going through this couple’s every family celebration and family crisis for the rest of everyone’s lives.

I have been to a lot of weddings that were done right. Something always went wrong at every one of them, but these events were fun, they were joyous, and they were a portent of things to come: two families who felt they were better off for being “married to” this other family. This was because everyone on both sides wanted to make the new member of the family feel like one of the family and wanted to make their relatives feel like relatives and not competitors.

I’ll say it again: If you are asked to be involved in organizing a wedding or you have been lucky enough to have friends and family who want to exert themselves in giving you a memorable and joyous wedding day, you’ve been given a great gift and a great honor. If you find yourself in a position of power, don’t get drunk on it. Everyone is depending on you to bring the event home on a joyous note that they wish they could do all over again. Drive responsibly.

If the “drivers” of the wedding your family is part of aren’t doing that, just hang on tight and do your best to stay patient, kind, and all things belonging to charity. You only have to survive this cast of characters this intensely this one time. It is everyone’s first time together. Any landing you walk away from is a good one.

 

[EasterJoy]

If I get engaged I’ll tell them upfront I don’t like showers. If they decide to do one with games and women only I’ll decline. I’m not going to pretend to like something so they don’t get hurt, when in fact they would be hurting me by not respecting my wishes. It’s something I feel strongly about and everyone who knows me knows how strongly I feel.

Be warned that it is rude to assume that someone is going to throw you a party. Hold your tongue about what you want until someone asks you. If everyone is lucky, no one will. No problem, no solution needed.

You are free to decline whatever you want, but do remember you are proposing to choose the route meant to please yourself rather than the route that puts someone else’s feelings before yours. Even from the standpoint of self-interest alone, that is not a good note for a bride to get started on. The word “bridezilla” was not coined because people found the behavior of brides to be uniformly charming, let’s just say that. If you decline, then, bend over backwards to be kind about it when you do.

Honestly, take our warnings seriously!! Think before you act rashly!! There are plenty of people on these boards who can tell you how unpleasant family life is when all of your female relatives take an immediate dislike to you. Turning down their kind offer to throw you a shower and doing it in a rude and dismissive manner that demeans every shower they’ve ever given anyone else, not to mention the showers given to them, is an efficient way to accomplish that in one day. Why start a war with the women on your husband’s side of the family when you could have been gracious, instead? It is a sad situation, and it would be sadder still to be in that situation for showing a lack of common sense diplomacy.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Why? Did you walk out of her shower?

You know you have a lot of issues and a lot of anger. Did you ever consider that there are few men who would even want to attend a bridal shower? If you are fortunate enough to have people willing to throw a party in your honor, I suggest you bite the bullet and act like a real woman…show some gratitude.

You think you’re a modern woman, whatever that might mean, by not having kids, having men at your shower and who knows what type of ceremony you’ve concocted for the wedding if you ever wed. I’m sure rings are out and the vows will be tinkered with. And are you planning on a Catholic ceremony with the no kids thing?

Real women have left their families, got on ships for a better life, established families, bought property, got the right to vote, fought in all our wars, etc. etc. Getting an attitude over a shower compared to what many have done and are doing makes you really shallow. It is not impressive.

Try and laugh more. Life is very short.

No, my issues with my brother and sister in law had to do with the reception and how they treated my family. Not sure what a ceremony has to do with a shower but no, I wouldn’t tinker with the vows and would have rings. Sure most men don’t like showers but neither do many women. Most women I know hate them too. If someone threw me a woman only shower it wouldnt be to be nice but to be spiteful because everyone knows I hate them. If I got engaged one of the first things I would do would be to tell my fiance’s family I would not want a shower so them throwing one would be out of spite. Or for attention, like my one aunt who throws parties so she gets attention. Yes I would walk out because it would be a case of someone being selfish by disregarding what I said. That has nothing to do with being a real woman. I am likely not having kids due to my age not because I’m not into having kids.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Be warned that it is rude to assume that someone is going to throw you a party. Hold your tongue about what you want until someone asks you. If everyone is lucky, no one will. No problem, no solution needed.

You are free to decline whatever you want, but do remember you are proposing to choose the route meant to please yourself rather than the route that puts someone else’s feelings before yours. Even from the standpoint of self-interest alone, that is not a good note for a bride to get started on. The word “bridezilla” was not coined because people found the behavior of brides to be uniformly charming, let’s just say that. If you decline, then, bend over backwards to be kind about it when you do.

Honestly, take our warnings seriously!! Think before you act rashly!! There are plenty of people on these boards who can tell you how unpleasant family life is when all of your female relatives take an immediate dislike to you. Turning down their kind offer to throw you a shower and doing it in a rude and dismissive manner that demeans every shower they’ve ever given anyone else, not to mention the showers given to them, is an efficient way to accomplish that in one day. Why start a war with the women on your husband’s side of the family when you could have been gracious, instead? It is a sad situation, and it would be sadder still to be in that situation for showing a lack of common sense diplomacy.

I would tell them upfront I don’t want one. If they asked why I’d tell them I hate them and they aren’t my thing. If they insisted I would say if they must then make it coed and something like a barbeque. Luckily my mom feels the same way.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Interestingly, in most of our circle of friends co-ed showers are the norm, not the exception. I’m not entirely sure how it evolved that way, or if it’s partly a local thing, or perhaps because the friends are mostly coworkers and spouses. While no one would be at all offended by a girls’-only shower, they might be a bit puzzled because it would mean leaving out half of the friends in question. As a result, showers, whether bridal or baby, are generally co-ed, and usually involve a fairly big spread of food and drinks, alcoholic and non. There are generally one or two games at the baby showers–match verses of a nursery rhyme, that sort of thing–but not usually any at the bridal ones.

I rather like it, though I can also see the value of a fun girls’-only evening. I should also add that I’ve only seen this sort of shower as the norm in this particular area of the country and in this particular age group (we’re all in our 20s or 30s). I’ve lived in several other areas of the US, and in all of them this would be seen as a bit unusual, to put it mildly.

On the other hand, I do like that the shower is generally tailored very specifically to the preferences of the person for whom it’s thrown, and I also like that we all tend to do a sort of “sprinkle,” if you will, for second and subsequent babies: everyone gets together, eats, drinks, and is merry, mom gets to put her feet up for a while and hang out with friends before a newborn will have her attention elsewhere 24/7, and everyone brings a small gift for the new baby: a set of onesies, some bibs, a box of diapers, that sort of thing.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Interestingly, in most of our circle of friends co-ed showers are the norm, not the exception. I’m not entirely sure how it evolved that way, or if it’s partly a local thing, or perhaps because the friends are mostly coworkers and spouses. While no one would be at all offended by a girls’-only shower, they might be a bit puzzled because it would mean leaving out half of the friends in question. As a result, showers, whether bridal or baby, are generally co-ed, and usually involve a fairly big spread of food and drinks, alcoholic and non. There are generally one or two games at the baby showers–match verses of a nursery rhyme, that sort of thing–but not usually any at the bridal ones.

I rather like it, though I can also see the value of a fun girls’-only evening. I should also add that I’ve only seen this sort of shower as the norm in this particular area of the country and in this particular age group (we’re all in our 20s or 30s). I’ve lived in several other areas of the US, and in all of them this would be seen as a bit unusual, to put it mildly.

On the other hand, I do like that the shower is generally tailored very specifically to the preferences of the person for whom it’s thrown, and I also like that we all tend to do a sort of “sprinkle,” if you will, for second and subsequent babies: everyone gets together, eats, drinks, and is merry, mom gets to put her feet up for a while and hang out with friends before a newborn will have her attention elsewhere 24/7, and everyone brings a small gift for the new baby: a set of onesies, some bibs, a box of diapers, that sort of thing.

Coed showers can be fun because they ate more about the couple as compared to the woman only. My grandmother got invited to one and was surprised until I told her this is common. I’m not opposed to a girls only night but would prefer it’s something like a bachelorette party without the strippers.

 

[aicirt]

No, my issues with my brother and sister in law had to do with the reception and how they treated my family. Not sure what a ceremony has to do with a shower but no, I wouldn’t tinker with the vows and would have rings. Sure most men don’t like showers but neither do many women. Most women I know hate them too. If someone threw me a woman only shower it wouldnt be to be nice but to be spiteful because everyone knows I hate them. If I got engaged one of the first things I would do would be to tell my fiance’s family I would not want a shower so them throwing one would be out of spite. Or for attention, like my one aunt who throws parties so she gets attention. Yes I would walk out because it would be a case of someone being selfish by disregarding what I said. That has nothing to do with being a real woman. I am likely not having kids due to my age not because I’m not into having kids.

Kiddo you might be so over the moon in love that all these unimportant things that you feel so important will vanish. I certainly hope so for your sake and those around you.

You got a lot of living to do and it will be more enjoyable if you’d dump the attitude. Who would want to marry you if you are already threatening to walk out on parties because of your convoluted feminism issues. Go volunteer in a VA hospital and find what is really important in this life.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Coed showers can be fun because they ate more about the couple as compared to the woman only. My grandmother got invited to one and was surprised until I told her this is common. I’m not opposed to a girls only night but would prefer it’s something like a bachelorette party without the strippers.

Mmm, yes. My bachelorette party was thrown by a combination of my best friends and some of my coworkers, and because my best friends were involved, they were able to persuade (firmly ) the coworkers that I wouldn’t want strippers.

Instead, it was at a wine bar/restaurant, where one could sample lots of good wines and pair them with equally good food. I love good company, I love good food, I love good wine, and I love to cook, and most of the gifts were for my kitchen, so for me, it was the perfect bridal shower.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Mmm, yes. My bachelorette party was thrown by a combination of my best friends and some of my coworkers, and because my best friends were involved, they were able to persuade (firmly ) the coworkers that I wouldn’t want strippers.

Instead, it was at a wine bar/restaurant, where one could sample lots of good wines and pair them with equally good food. I love good company, I love good food, I love good wine, and I love to cook, and most of the gifts were for my kitchen, so for me, it was the perfect bridal shower.

That sounds fun actually. I know someone who did a party like that or a spa day or things like that. I’m not into cooking but to me a cool party would either be at a restaurant or a spa getting a massage or facial.

 

[EasterJoy]

…If someone threw me a woman only shower it wouldnt be to be nice but to be spiteful because everyone knows I hate them.

If I got engaged one of the first things I would do would be to tell my fiance’s family I would not want a shower so them throwing one would be out of spite.

Or for attention, like my one aunt who throws parties so she gets attention.

Yes I would walk out because it would be a case of someone being selfish by disregarding what I said…

A less charitable judgment of the motives of people you do not even know would be hard to pen.

Are you sure you teach catechism?

 

[EasterJoy]

That sounds fun actually. I know someone who did a party like that or a spa day or things like that. I’m not into cooking but to me a cool party would either be at a restaurant or a spa getting a massage or facial.

What makes you think that anyone who got wind of your rude assessment of the parties they usually throw would have any interest throwing you any party at all? You hate showers? Fine! No shower! Less work for us! See you at the wedding!

A spa day? Well, yes, I’m sure you would like to be treated to a spa day–lots of us would! News flash, but an entire luncheon at someone’s home can be funded for less than what it would cost just to give a spa day to you all by yourself. So you want them to spend four times as much to take you to a restaurant? Yes, sure! Coming right up, Your Majesty!

If you were coming in to my family and heard your “message” to the family you’re coming into, I would not be volunteering to throw you a shower, and let you be happy with getting exactly what you asked for. If I knew that you had promised to walk out if the hosts made a mistake in conforming to your wishes, I wouldn’t even go if someone else threw you one. Life is too short. Besides, throwing a party for you is just providing you with a near occasion of sin.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Kiddo you might be so over the moon in love that all these unimportant things that you feel so important will vanish. I certainly hope so for your sake and those around you.

You got a lot of living to do and it will be more enjoyable if you’d dump the attitude. Who would want to marry you if you are already threatening to walk out on parties because of your convoluted feminism issues. Go volunteer in a VA hospital and find what is really important in this life.

Actually I did find someone I’m crazy about and I do a lot for veterans and I still hate women only bridal showers. Just because I’d get married doesn’t mean I’ll decide to do something I hate.

 

[TeachCatechism]

What makes you think that anyone who got wind of your rude assessment of the parties they usually throw would have any interest throwing you any party at all? You hate showers? Fine! No shower! Less work for us! See you at the wedding!

A spa day? Well, yes, I’m sure you would like to be treated to a spa day–lots of us would! News flash, but an entire luncheon at someone’s home can be funded for less than what it would cost just to give a spa day to you all by yourself. So you want them to spend four times as much to take you to a restaurant? Yes, sure! Coming right up, Your Majesty!

If you were coming in to my family and heard your “message” to the family you’re coming into, I would not be volunteering to throw you a shower, and let you be happy with getting exactly what you asked for. If I knew that you had promised to walk out if the hosts made a mistake in conforming to your wishes, I wouldn’t even go if someone else threw you one. Life is too short. Besides, throwing a party for you is just providing you with a near occasion of sin.

Actually a spa can be cheaper. I didn’t say I’d go to a restaurant just that I hate women only bridal showers. They’re boring to me. Why do people care that I hate women only showers? Not sure how’s it affects anyone else but me. If people would get upset because I didn’t like their idea to do something I despise then they’re not people I’d want around.

 

[TeachCatechism]

A less charitable judgment of the motives of people you do not even know would be hard to pen.

Are you sure you teach catechism?

They’d be judging me as well along with disregarding my opinions. That’s not charitable.

 

[EasterJoy]

They’d be judging me as well along with disregarding my opinions. That’s not charitable.

I give up. Good luck with your in-laws. You’ll need it.

BTW, no one cares that you hate making bridal gowns out of toilet paper. Not many people are wild about that. We care about the way you talk about people who are trying to do something nice for you and the way you say are willing to act in way that is going to humiliate others when things don’t go your way. We care about the way you talk down to people who aren’t earning a salary and to women who lived in the centuries before you. We care about the way you talk as if you know a party run by women over 40 is going to be boring and beneath you, and we care that you don’t see anything wrong with talking as if you don’t have the charity to tolerate an afternoon that is boring to you if it would give pleasure to someone else. We are sick of hearing you talk as if what you like and what you hate is the only thing anyone around you should care about. Even when you are the bride, thinking like that is self-centered and, well, bratty. Adults should do better, even in the secular world, and Christians should do a lot better. Even pagans are awake enough to the world around them to know it does not revolve around their personal likes and dislikes.

If you’re not even willing to restrain yourself to act with the level of civility that the secular world expects, who are you to be lecturing anybody else on Christian charity?