Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[Mary_Gail_36]

Thank you and good idea about the iPod.

A woman I know had a very strict budget for her wedding. She is Latina and music and dancing are customary. Her husband is a WASP.

They had an ipod with a great and varried play list.

If budget is tight, there are lots of ways to stretch it for less to appear more.

When my mom was a little girl in Italy, weddings were held in the house. There would be two receptions, one right after the Mass. Cookies and sweets and confetti (Jordan almonds) were passed around to the many guests who would come.

Then there would be a smaller reception where more intimate family members would share the wedding dinner.

Also, if the other in laws live across the country, it might be likely that many people will not be able to attend depending on where it’s held.

 

[lax16]

It sounds like you’re in a tough place- I can imagine it must be hard to watch your son dive into something he might not be ready for and try to figure out how you can guide him while still respecting his decisions.

I’m surprised they have so many wedding details planned already despite an official engagement. That seems weird to me.

She has been working on it since they became unofficially engaged, last April.

Unofficial is my word since there is no ring. I’m sure they see it differently!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

It sounds like you’re in a tough place- I can imagine it must be hard to watch your son dive into something he might not be ready for and try to figure out how you can guide him while still respecting his decisions.

I’m surprised they have so many wedding details planned already despite an official engagement. That seems weird to me.

I’m wondering if by the time the OP is getting the information from her son, it’s already second or third hand.

So it might be, “Daddy, boyfriend and I would like to get married after college”

Dad responds, “Oh, that restaurant we go to is nice, why not have it there?”

And that turned into, “My parents say we have to have it there, with no dancing and no Zia Filomena and Zia Teresa.”

 

[aicirt]

So far, engagement is “unofficial” because son has been working to pay for the ring. He plans on giving it to her at the holidays then get married in the summer.

I thought we would call them once it’s official (I have been against it due to the age of the couple) and thought they would decide to postpone it. It is apparently moving forward despite our concerns.

We live across the country from them but would love to meet them.

As you say, “It is moving forward”. I’d call and introduce myself. If her Dad is taking the lead it is because no one else is. You might find that they’re not in favor of this either. I do not understand each part pays for part of the wedding. You might find that Dad and his wife feel put upon by their daughter. Maybe they too would prefer the couple wait until Dad and wife can get the money together for a proper wedding.

Your son hasn’t finished undergraduate work, does not have a job, can’t afford a ring until Christmas, is told he has to pay for part of the wedding but he can’t invite whom he wants. Does this girl work? Have you done a budget for him to show what this is going to take e.g. rent, insurance, car, living expenses? Maybe that will help him focus.

Also is you son and his girlfriend near you and her parents are across the country?

 

[aicirt]

She has been working on it since they became unofficially engaged, last April.

Unofficial is my word since there is no ring. I’m sure they see it differently!

How exactly did this engagement happen? No ring but she’s working on a wedding?? How old are these kids? Is she planning on finishing her degree or is she abandoning all to marry your son the summer of 2016?

 

[lax16]

A woman I know had a very strict budget for her wedding. She is Latina and music and dancing are customary. Her husband is a WASP.

They had an ipod with a great and varried play list.

If budget is tight, there are lots of ways to stretch it for less to appear more.

When my mom was a little girl in Italy, weddings were held in the house. There would be two receptions, one right after the Mass. Cookies and sweets and confetti (Jordan almonds) were passed around to the many guests who would come.

Then there would be a smaller reception where more intimate family members would share the wedding dinner.

Also, if the other in laws live across the country, it might be likely that many people will not be able to attend depending on where it’s held.

I think weddings that are blended with different customs and expectations are wonderful.

I love the idea of a reception at home, too. Jordan almonds, yep.

 

[lax16]

As you say, “It is moving forward”. I’d call and introduce myself. If her Dad is taking the lead it is because no one else is. You might find that they’re not in favor of this either. I do not understand each part pays for part of the wedding. You might find that Dad and his wife feel put upon by their daughter. Maybe they too would prefer the couple wait until Dad and wife can get the money together for a proper wedding.

Your son hasn’t finished undergraduate work, does not have a job, can’t afford a ring until Christmas, is told he has to pay for part of the wedding but he can’t invite whom he wants. Does this girl work? Have you done a budget for him to show what this is going to take e.g. rent, insurance, car, living expenses? Maybe that will help him focus.

Also is you son and his girlfriend near you and her parents are across the country?

I thought we would call her parents if things appear to be happening sooner rather than later.

I have expressed all of these concerns. And then some. By law and according to Catholic teaching, there is nothing we can do. Except of course give loads of advice which we have done.

 

[Xantippe]

But it’s true. The coup!e can’t even support themselves since the groom and maybe the bride are in college. Not to mention that stats show a majority of people who marry before 25 divorce. Not to mention the groom is afraid to speak up.

Not a majority, but more do before 25. There’s also an uptick in divorce rates later on, I believe.

 

[TeachCatechism]

As you say, “It is moving forward”. I’d call and introduce myself. If her Dad is taking the lead it is because no one else is. You might find that they’re not in favor of this either. I do not understand each part pays for part of the wedding. You might find that Dad and his wife feel put upon by their daughter. Maybe they too would prefer the couple wait until Dad and wife can get the money together for a proper wedding.

Your son hasn’t finished undergraduate work, does not have a job, can’t afford a ring until Christmas, is told he has to pay for part of the wedding but he can’t invite whom he wants. Does this girl work? Have you done a budget for him to show what this is going to take e.g. rent, insurance, car, living expenses? Maybe that will help him focus.

Also is you son and his girlfriend near you and her parents are across the country?

The more I hear the more I wonder if to them it’s a fairytale. When I was 19 a then boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said sure. At the time it was more of a unrealistic thing because we were looking at the glamour of it. Once I realized it would be more I backed away. There was no ring or anything except a fantasy. This ex has since been married several times, I’ve never been married and don’t consider myself having been engaged since it wasn’t official in anyway. Young people tend to be thinking note about the glamorized areas and not reality.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Not a majority, but more do before 25. There’s also an uptick in divorce rates later on, I believe.

Actually it is higher than 50% so I would say a majority. I believe it’s something like 60% but not sure.

 

[lax16]

How exactly did this engagement happen? No ring but she’s working on a wedding?? How old are these kids? Is she planning on finishing her degree or is she abandoning all to marry your son the summer of 2016?

She will have graduated.

They are in their early 20’s.

She wanted a very modest ring but son is giving something much more. He has been working all summer to get it completely paid for before having it made.

 

[lax16]

The more I hear the more I wonder if to them it’s a fairytale. When I was 19 a then boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said sure. At the time it was more of a unrealistic thing because we were looking at the glamour of it. Once I realized it would be more I backed away. There was no ring or anything except a fantasy. This ex has since been married several times, I’ve never been married and don’t consider myself having been engaged since it wasn’t official in anyway. Young people tend to be thinking note about the glamorized areas and not reality.

They have been dating for three years. I don’t think she is the fairy tale type. Actually, I am surprised at how low maintenance she is.

 

[Xantippe]

She will have graduated by then. But I hear you, they are starting off with more challenges right off the bat.

I think one of the best things you can do for your son and his fiancee right now is to get them into some sort of personal finance course as soon as possible.

He doesn’t seem to have a good sense of money or how much things cost at the moment. That’s not a huge knock on him–I certainly didn’t at the same age (or for quite a while later, actually).

5 years from now, if all goes well, he may have a SAHM wife and 2-3 kids and be feeling broke and stressed. I don’t think he gets how hard it’s going to be, or what a difference a few hundreds dollars here or there (which currently looks like nothing) could make in their future life.

Help him think more about the marriage and his future family and less about the wedding.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually it is higher than 50% so I would say a majority. I believe it’s something like 60% but not sure.

Not at all.

I don’t have the time to do a search, but as I recall, you only get those kind of numbers for women that marry at 17 or under–which is not the OP’s son.

 

[lax16]

I think one of the best things you can do for your son and his fiancee right now is to get them into some sort of personal finance course as soon as possible.

He doesn’t seem to have a good sense of money or how much things cost at the moment. That’s not a huge knock on him–I certainly didn’t at the same age (or for quite a while later, actually).

5 years from now, if all goes well, he may have a SAHM wife and 2-3 kids and be feeling broke and stressed. I don’t think he gets how hard it’s going to be, or what a difference a few hundreds dollars here or there (which currently looks like nothing) could make in their future life.

Help him think more about the marriage and his future family and less about the wedding.

I had that idea as well and mentioned Dave Ramsey’s program. I think as they get older reality will kick in - some people definitely learn the hard way.

Yes, we have pointed out that he likes nice things…

I should have started a thread regarding young marriages. I knew there would be lots of good advice!

 

[Xantippe]

I had that idea as well and mentioned Dave Ramsey’s program. I think as they get older reality will kick in - some people definitely learn the hard way.

Yes, we have pointed out that he likes nice things…

I should have started a thread regarding young marriages. I knew there would be lots of good advice!

That would be a good idea for a new thread!

It would be very helpful if you could help him understand that the path he is choosing will mean a lot fewer nice things–at least for the next 20-25 years.

If you get some good responses from parents of young families who are 5-10 years out from where he is today, you might be able to share the thread with your son and it might be very helpful.

And I do think the Dave Ramsey thing is a great idea. If he and his fiancee can take it during the fall, that would be ideal. By spring, it will be too late if it’s a summer wedding.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am asking the opinions of other Catholics if they think the groom and his parents should be able to give (name removed by moderator)ut on the wedding reception.

The answer to that is simple. Different people do things differently.

If that was all that you were asking, then this thread would NOT have become over 10 pages. It seems you are in denial because of all the details you post. When I read between the lines, it appears you want a large wedding for you son and just can not accept it won’t be happening.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Not at all.

I don’t have the time to do a search, but as I recall, you only get those kind of numbers for women that marry at 17 or under–which is not the OP’s son.

Actually it is 60% for those 20-25. I just looked it up. The numbers go down the higher one is along with how educated.

 

[fencersmother]

When we declined to pay for any part of the reception, the bride’s family declined to have our names on the wedding invitation (which I guess is common among some folks). We were to be insulted, as they were insulted by our decision not to pay. (One wage earner who hasn’t had a raise in 14 years; no money for fancy receptions) Turns out, we weren’t insulted but now they are further insulted by our lack of insult.

Weddings are complicated. And so many times, grudges are held for a lifetime afterward.

Funerals: easy peasy. and bonding. Lots of bonding.

Not so with weddings these days.

Unless we are related within one degree, we now decline all wedding invitations.

 

[Anglewannabe]

She wanted a very modest ring but son is giving something much more. He has been working all summer to get it completely paid for before having it made.

Honestly, that sounds wasteful of your son. When a woman says ‘I want a modest ring’, she means it and should be listened to.