Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[TeachCatechism]

And I know couples who have paid for their own weddings too. Usually, they have been carer people and are in their 30s making very good salaries. However, in this case the bride’s parents actually wanted or did omit the names of the groom’s parents on the invitations because they didn’t contribute. That’s really rude.

OK, I read the question wrong, I thought you were saying I was rude. I apologize, I’m sick and am not always reading responses correctly. Actually I agree with you, I do think it’s rude to omit either parents.

 

[1990Domer]

She is a handful, even after 23 years of marriage! But, oddly enough, she tells me I am “nice” to her when other’s are not. Meaning: I treat her with love and respect when she knows she is difficult.

But, in our cultures, this is not uncommon. (I have some very funny jokes about Jewsh and Italian mothers-in-law if anyone wants to hear them )

Now you know why I fervently pray for my son’s vocation…I would make a terrible mother-in-law!

This is the running joke! It get’s people laughing.

 

[aicirt]

OK, I read the question wrong, I thought you were saying I was rude. I apologize, I’m sick and am not always reading responses correctly. Actually I agree with you, I do think it’s rude to omit either parents.

:flowers: Hope you are feeling better.

 

[aicirt]

I think you misunderstand me. I do not mean that she should not feel hurt or has no reason to feel left out. I’m listing reasons that their daughter might not realize she’s leaving them out of anything but a big expense and a lot of work that she would rather spare them. If her mother and father had expressed relief that she was handling everything, does that mean they don’t care about her? No, it only means that they and their daughter see eye-to-eye on the question of how much the parents covet the honor of putting on the party celebrating their daughter’s wedding instead of letting the daughter do it herself from the career earnings from the education they helped her attain.

Parents of the groom have been told plans without having any control of anything for how many years? They’re told when the rehearsal will be and what color the dresses of the bridesmaid and the mother of the bride will be, so the mother of the groom won’t clash in the pictures. Well, we live in gender-neutral times. Now it is sometimes the parents of the bride or even both sets of parents who are relieved of expenses, therefore relieved of (name removed by moderator)ut on the planning, only being told what time the wedding and the events surrounding it will be and what sort of clothes they need to get in order to be suitable.

I don’t think it is wrong to tell your family when you feel disappointed in a situation, not if you can do it without dishing out a guilt trip or making an ultimatum that things be changed to suit you. I think you can start a conversation that says, “I want you to understand that I’m not looking to change a thing about your wedding plans. I just want to tell you something for future reference. Your dad and I would have felt it an honor and a pleasure if we could have been included in putting on your wedding reception. I know things aren’t so cut and dried as they were when you were born, but helping you to put on your wedding was something we always dreamed of doing for you. Keep in mind in the future that we hope you’ll ask us to and include us in this kind of thing, because we’d like to do it, if we can.”

Maybe when she was born you knew that you would be expected to put on the wedding, if she is about 40 years old. Otherwise, I think parents have had enough time to absorb the reality that not every wedding is a formal wedding and not every bride goes straight from her parents’ home and into her marriage without going off on her own first.

A wedding invitation is not a wedding announcement. It is an invitation to a social event, and there is nothing rude about the hosts issuing the invitations. While it is OK to include someone as a host on an invitation when they aren’t paying for any of it, it is *not *blackmail to put on a reception and to send out an invitation that correctly states who the hosts are–which can still simply and honestly mean who is footing the bill–and who the guests of honor for whom the reception is being thrown. The latter is traditional, it is still according to correct etiquette, and therefore it is not rude.

First paragraph: If the daughter wanted to relieve them of expense, this would and should have been discussed with them. By the tone and words of the OP, this is not what occured.

Second: Yes, there are financially set couples who pay for their own weddings. But this is not what has happened in this case. The groom’s parents have taken over. Any person with some sense would realize this has to hurt the bride’s parents. And the couple are not relieving the groom’s parents of any expense at least not that we know of from the OP.

Third: The toothpaste is already out of the tube. If the girl knew of her parents feelings, she would not have allowed this to go on until she discussed it with her family. Personally, being a girl who had a Mom, I don’t know how you would not know your parents’ feelings having lived a majority of your life with them before your wedding. It would be different if she had parents that showed NO interest in her, but this does not appear to be the case.

The wedding invitation: Back in the old days, parents of the bride gave the wedding. Both parents’ names were put on the invitation. They acknowledged that the groom had parents. The occassion was the unification of the bride and groom and of two families coming together to create a new family. They didn’t charge the other family for the honor of being on the announcement. ( And I think this was the situation with another poster). So out goes the invitation with just the bride’s parents on it omitting the groom’s parents. If I got such an invite, I’d be wondering why they were omitted, and once I found out the reason (didn’t contribute to the reception), I’d be leary of attending now being associated with the groom’s side whom the bride’s parents considered deadbeats.

Now if the couple are older and throwing the bash, picking up the tab etc., and totally want to save their parents’ any expense, they just might put the parents on the invite anyway.

 

[aicirt]

As long as you’re still invited to your kid’s wedding, you’re not being excluded.

seriously?

 

[1990Domer]

There doesn’t seem to be a very easy compromise between

A. small wedding with small dinner afterward for an intimate circle

B. big loud wedding with music and dancing

Also, your requests are mostly for things that would all go together: (more people, bigger venue, music, dancing, etc). It’s hard to separate those things out and it would totally change the character of the wedding.

I suspect that at least one or more of your prospective in-laws are quiet, introspective people whose nerves are jangled by noise and commotion. Your fun wedding probably sounds like the pit of hell to at least one of them. (There are some people like that in my family.)

You might be able to persuade them to take another couple or two, but for a really small wedding, five couples is really pushing it.

How about throwing them a first anniversary party with dancing and music and a larger guest list?

My husband and I had a very small wedding, which is what we wanted. His mom threw a “get to know the couple” picnic afterwards. However, the difference here is my hub and I wanted things small as we are all introverts.

 

[Lorelei12]

A wedding invitation is not a wedding announcement. It is an invitation to a social event, and there is nothing rude about the hosts issuing the invitations. While it is OK to include someone as a host on an invitation when they aren’t paying for any of it, it is *not *blackmail to put on a reception and to send out an invitation that correctly states who the hosts are–which can still simply and honestly mean who is footing the bill–and who the guests of honor for whom the reception is being thrown. The latter is traditional, it is still according to correct etiquette, and therefore it is not rude.

Right. My parents paid for our reception, so their names were at the top of our invitation (even though I paid for them and sent them myself). My husband’s parents were not on the invitation- they weren’t hosting anything. I wasn’t “blackmailing” anyone.

 

[Lorelei12]

Ok valid reasons but this is not what the poster stated. I got the impression both she and her husband, who are the parents of the bride, feel left out. The poster stated they’re involved in “nada”. That has to hurt.

When you are told all the plans none of which you have been asked to participate in, it would be very difficult to inject yourself at that point because you’ve already received the message that they’re doing fine without you and you (mother of the bride and father of the bride) are really not important. So a prudent person would keep their collective mouths shut.

The message that I think the parents might be getting here is if this is what the wedding is like what else will be coming where they’ll be excluded.

People don’t ask for (name removed by moderator)ut if they want to be able to make decisions themselves. Perhaps the bride and groom already knew what they wanted, and did not want to solicit opinions that they didn’t plan to take seriously or give the impression that it was up for discussion. If they’re paying themselves, and choose the wedding details they want, it makes things a lot less stressful when they don’t have to “defend” their choices to mom who might want something different. It’s not her wedding.

 

[pensmama87]

seriously?

I think it’s not a bad approach to in-laws in general: live as if no offense was meant. Even if it is, remaining blissfully unaware of it is a good way to turn down the offensiveness - people give up on trying to “send the message” because the message isn’t being heard.

 

[Xantippe]

The OP concerns a groom’s side feeling left out, not the bride’s. Hence the thread title “Wedding Reception: How Much Does the Groom’s Wishes Count?”

First paragraph: If the daughter wanted to relieve them of expense, this would and should have been discussed with them. By the tone and words of the OP, this is not what occured.

Second: Yes, there are financially set couples who pay for their own weddings. But this is not what has happened in this case. The groom’s parents have taken over. Any person with some sense would realize this has to hurt the bride’s parents. And the couple are not relieving the groom’s parents of any expense at least not that we know of from the OP.

Third: The toothpaste is already out of the tube. If the girl knew of her parents feelings, she would not have allowed this to go on until she discussed it with her family. Personally, being a girl who had a Mom, I don’t know how you would not know your parents’ feelings having lived a majority of your life with them before your wedding. It would be different if she had parents that showed NO interest in her, but this does not appear to be the case.

The wedding invitation: Back in the old days, parents of the bride gave the wedding. Both parents’ names were put on the invitation. They acknowledged that the groom had parents. The occassion was the unification of the bride and groom and of two families coming together to create a new family. They didn’t charge the other family for the honor of being on the announcement. ( And I think this was the situation with another poster). So out goes the invitation with just the bride’s parents on it omitting the groom’s parents. If I got such an invite, I’d be wondering why they were omitted, and once I found out the reason (didn’t contribute to the reception), I’d be leary of attending now being associated with the groom’s side whom the bride’s parents considered deadbeats.

Now if the couple are older and throwing the bash, picking up the tab etc., and totally want to save their parents’ any expense, they just might put the parents on the invite anyway.

 

[Xantippe]

seriously?

Seriously.

Lots of people don’t get invited to their own children’s weddings.

 

[aicirt]

Seriously.

Lots of people don’t get invited to their own children’s weddings.

In all fairness, neither you nor I know that because we don’t know how many make up a “lot”.

“Lot” appears to mean a majority of people.It certainly doesn’t mean a few. So would it be true that a majority of people do not get invited to their own children’s weddings? That’s extremely sad. Oddly, I know of only one couple who eloped and did not invite their parents to their wedding. I know of no one who omitted their parents’ names from an invitation whether they paid, their parents paid etc. Yes, I am a senior but I have not lived rolled up in bubble wrap.

If you are correct and “lot” means the majority and most do not get invited to their own children’s weddings, then this is another indication of the deterioration of the family.

As Catholics, are we to accept the “fact” that most parents are blown-off and not invited? Isn’t that something we should strive not to do?

 

[EasterJoy]

First paragraph: If the daughter wanted to relieve them of expense, this would and should have been discussed with them. By the tone and words of the OP, this is not what occured.

Let us revisit etiquette on this, too: Nobody has a right to host a reception for someone else, nobody has a right to be asked to do it, not even a bride or groom’s parents. When someone is old enough to marry, they are old enough to plan their own wedding and to decide to handle it on their own or accept the help they want without consulting anybody. While it is a gracious gesture under some circumstances to consult someone about a social event you’re hosting, it is actually rude to express the expectation that you be consulted when you have no right to have that expectation.

Getting this straight is a good first step for parents. They need to get it into their head that their adult children do not need to get their permission to run their own social lives any more.

Second: Yes, there are financially set couples who pay for their own weddings. But this is not what has happened in this case. The groom’s parents have taken over. Any person with some sense would realize this has to hurt the bride’s parents. And the couple are not relieving the groom’s parents of any expense at least not that we know of from the OP.

Again: there isn’t a right to host a reception for someone else. If the bride and groom want to allow his parents to host instead of hers, that is their prerogative. They have not wronged her parents, and nobody ought to jump to any rash conclusions about their motives if they do it.

Third: The toothpaste is already out of the tube. If the girl knew of her parents feelings, she would not have allowed this to go on until she discussed it with her family. Personally, being a girl who had a Mom, I don’t know how you would not know your parents’ feelings having lived a majority of your life with them before your wedding. It would be different if she had parents that showed NO interest in her, but this does not appear to be the case.

Adult children and their parents are not mind-readers because they’ve lived with each other for so long. How could this be? *Spouses *are not even each other’s mind-readers!! They are all still human beings who have to resort to this thing called “communication” if they want to know each other’s mind. Yes, it would have been better if the parents had voiced their disappointment when they learned of the situation (and maybe they did), but later is sometimes better than never. That is the parents’ call; they know everyone and know how likely it is that this conversation could make things better instead of worse.

Communication, especially communication between adults that at one time had only child-adult communication, requires a foundation of mutual respect and trust that is not built in a day.

I will repeat the chorus: Parents who think their children ought to automatically know what they think and want without any communication or who believe they are entitled to have their children make their social decisions to please them are in for some trouble down the road. You communicate, and then you allow others to make their own social decisions without making them all about you. This includes your adult children and your parents.

The wedding invitation: Back in the old days, parents of the bride gave the wedding. Both parents’ names were put on the invitation. They acknowledged that the groom had parents. The occassion was the unification of the bride and groom and of two families coming together to create a new family…

You are totally incorrect, unless by “the old days” you mean somewhere around 1980. Before some time roughly in the late 1970s, wedding invitations only had the names of the hosts on it, almost always the parents of the bride.

According to my memory, the change initially came because of a common-sense problem: it was getting more and more typical for people to marry into social groups that are totally unknown to each other and doing it at an age where they have lost touch with their parents’ friends. People receiving formally-worded wedding invitations, especially friends of the parents of the groom, found they had to scratch their head to figure out whose wedding they were being invited to attend and why! Since they only knew the parents of the groom well and only knew the groom by his nickname, they would get this invitation in the mail from someone in a city they never visit and having no names they recognized. What the heck?

Now if the couple are older and throwing the bash, picking up the tab etc., and totally want to save their parents’ any expense, they just might put the parents on the invite anyway.

While it is not necessary, I would agree that it is entirely practical that anyone being asked to contribute names to the guest list be included on the invitation itself. You don’t want anyone to wonder why they’re being invited to this wedding!

Please, though: Do not make invitations more important than they are. It’s a bad road.

 

[EasterJoy]

As Catholics, are we to accept the “fact” that most parents are blown-off and not invited? Isn’t that something we should strive not to do?

As Catholics, we try to humbly accept it when we are not given a place of honor that we might have expected was ours. We certainly do not assign a bad motive when someone overlooks us. We ought to assume that slights against us were unintentional until we learn otherwise by something other than conjecture or rumor. If we are slighted intentionally, we ought to pray for the forgiveness of the person who hurt us.

“When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not recline at table in the place of honor. A more distinguished guest than you may have been invited by him, and the host who invited both of you may approach you and say, ‘Give your place to this man,’ and then you would proceed with embarrassment to take the lowest place. Rather, when you are invited, go and take the lowest place so that when the host comes to you he may say, ‘My friend, move up to a higher position.’ Then you will enjoy the esteem of your companions at the table. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:8-11

Now, I am not suggesting that the parents of one of the bridal couple automatically try to take the lowest place at the reception if they are left off of the invitation or that they should assume they are not wanted if no one has told them they are not wanted. (Let’s be real: that could be taken as a dig at the negligence of the hosts and the bridal couple.) They ought to simply ask where they are wanted, and comply with what the bridal couple decided. If they are gracious and unassuming, they do not need to worry if no one notices how they handled the slight. Heaven will notice, and Heaven will be pleased at how their saintly behavior kept every spot off of unpleasantness off of their child’s wedding day and off of their hosts’ reputations. That ought to be their goal, right?

 

[1990Domer]

I think you misunderstand me. I do not mean that she should not feel hurt or has no reason to feel left out. I’m listing reasons that their daughter might not realize she’s leaving them out of anything but a big expense and a lot of work that she would rather spare them. If her mother and father had expressed relief that she was handling everything, does that mean they don’t care about her? No, it only means that they and their daughter see eye-to-eye on the question of how much the parents covet the honor of putting on the party celebrating their daughter’s wedding instead of letting the daughter do it herself from the career earnings from the education they helped her attain.

Parents of the groom have been told plans without having any control of anything for how many years? They’re told when the rehearsal will be and what color the dresses of the bridesmaid and the mother of the bride will be, so the mother of the groom won’t clash in the pictures. Well, we live in gender-neutral times. Now it is sometimes the parents of the bride or even both sets of parents who are relieved of expenses, therefore relieved of (name removed by moderator)ut on the planning, only being told what time the wedding and the events surrounding it will be and what sort of clothes they need to get in order to be suitable.

I don’t think it is wrong to tell your family when you feel disappointed in a situation, not if you can do it without dishing out a guilt trip or making an ultimatum that things be changed to suit you. I think you can start a conversation that says, “I want you to understand that I’m not looking to change a thing about your wedding plans. I just want to tell you something for future reference. Your dad and I would have felt it an honor and a pleasure if we could have been included in putting on your wedding reception. I know things aren’t so cut and dried as they were when you were born, but helping you to put on your wedding was something we always dreamed of doing for you. Keep in mind in the future that we hope you’ll ask us to and include us in this kind of thing, because we’d like to do it, if we can.”

Maybe when she was born you knew that you would be expected to put on the wedding, if she is about 40 years old. Otherwise, I think parents have had enough time to absorb the reality that not every wedding is a formal wedding and not every bride goes straight from her parents’ home and into her marriage without going off on her own first.

A wedding invitation is not a wedding announcement. It is an invitation to a social event, and there is nothing rude about the hosts issuing the invitations. While it is OK to include someone as a host on an invitation when they aren’t paying for any of it, it is *not *blackmail to put on a reception and to send out an invitation that correctly states who the hosts are–which can still simply and honestly mean who is footing the bill–and who the guests of honor for whom the reception is being thrown. The latter is traditional, it is still according to correct etiquette, and therefore it is not rude.

First, I think it’s the son getting married. Am I wrong? But FULL STOP…this thread is ignoring any and all sacramental preparation that needs to be done by this couple. As a former pre-Cana teacher, I see no mention as to the faith life of the couple and how they will live after the ceremony.

Famous quote: Nice wedding, but invite me to the marriage. God.

 

[aicirt]

As Catholics, we try to humbly accept it when we are not given a place of honor that we might have expected was ours. We certainly do not assign a bad motive when someone overlooks us. We ought to assume that slights against us were unintentional until we learn otherwise by something other than conjecture or rumor. If we are slighted intentionally, we ought to pray for the forgiveness of the person who hurt us.

“When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not recline at table in the place of honor. A more distinguished guest than you may have been invited by him, and the host who invited both of you may approach you and say, ‘Give your place to this man,’ and then you would proceed with embarrassment to take the lowest place. Rather, when you are invited, go and take the lowest place so that when the host comes to you he may say, ‘My friend, move up to a higher position.’ Then you will enjoy the esteem of your companions at the table. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:8-11

Now, I am not suggesting that the parents of one of the bridal couple automatically try to take the lowest place at the reception if they are left off of the invitation or that they should assume they are not wanted if no one has told them they are not wanted. (Let’s be real: that could be taken as a dig at the negligence of the hosts and the bridal couple.) They ought to simply ask where they are wanted, and comply with what the bridal couple decided. If they are gracious and unassuming, they do not need to worry if no one notices how they handled the slight. Heaven will notice, and Heaven will be pleased at how their saintly behavior kept every spot off of unpleasantness off of their child’s wedding day and off of their hosts’ reputations. That ought to be their goal, right?

No. It should be the children’s responsibility to honor their father and their mother. This does not change because one gets married. It is a commandment, correct. We can agree on that part, right? And you are exactly right that Luke was not referring to a mother and father at their child’s wedding so I have no idea why you would have quoted that passage. It served no purpose and we both know that.

 

[1990Domer]

It is threads like these that make me realize two things: 1) there are an awful lot of entitlement attitudes floating around and 2) the beauty of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony and the grace it bestows is nowhere to be found.

 

[Phemie]

First, I think it’s the son getting married. Am I wrong? But FULL STOP…this thread is ignoring any and all sacramental preparation that needs to be done by this couple. As a former pre-Cana teacher, I see no mention as to the faith life of the couple and how they will live after the ceremony.

Famous quote: Nice wedding, but invite me to the marriage. God.

There are two separate conversations going on here. The OP was about a groom’s parents wanting a bigger reception with more people. Then there was another post by a mother of a bride who was feeling left out of her daughter’s wedding plans.

In both cases the parents would not be involved in that sacramental preparation so I don’t imagine either mother is feeling left out of that.

 

[EasterJoy]

No. It should be the children’s responsibility to honor their father and their mother. This does not change because one gets married. It is a commandment, correct. We can agree on that part, right? And you are exactly right that Luke was not referring to a mother and father at their child’s wedding so I have no idea why you would have quoted that passage. It served no purpose and we both know that.

Our Lord’s caution to practice humility at weddings does not apply to parents? They should feel entitled to expect their adult children to run their wedding to please them? Where did you get that? I did not mean that the passage did not apply to parents. I meant that it was important to follow the spirit of the teaching, not the letter of it. If someone can prudently see that placing themselves in a lower place could embarrass their hosts, they shouldn’t do it. In that case, they ought to wait to be placed. They ought to do whatever will put their hosts and the other guests in the best light. That is what the humble person does.

Oh, and my mother-in-law would have begged to differ on the idea that parents should be concerned about what they are entitled to expect from their adult children! Her mother-in-law did not have humility but did have a sense of entitlement. My MIL resolved she would never be like that. She had the highest respect of everyone who knew her, especially her children and her in-laws.

No, the Ten Commandments do not require a bride and groom to list their parents on their wedding invitations. That is absurd. Since etiquette does not require non-hosts to be listed on invitations, it is no sign of disrespect to leave non-hosting parents off. Respect for parents by adult children does not require the children to give one set of parents first dibs on hosting their wedding reception, either. The Church does not teach that and never has.

Of course a Christian bridal couple ought to also try to keep their parents’ feelings in mind when they plan their wedding. The practice of putting the feelings of others first applies to them, too. I’d point out, however, that the bridal couple is not posting here. This is only advice for what parents ought to do. They ought to do their best to keep communicate clearly and yet impose themselves on others as little as possible. If everyone on all sides does that, the day just might go off without too many hurt feelings.

Get this right from the start, parents, because you will have a replay for every holiday hereafter. You don’t want to be the house that your children and your in-laws dread to visit for fear of offending your sense of* their *duty to show you enough respect. It happens. It is not remembered fondly. That is not unjust.

 

[Phemie]

People don’t ask for (name removed by moderator)ut if they want to be able to make decisions themselves. Perhaps the bride and groom already knew what they wanted, and did not want to solicit opinions that they didn’t plan to take seriously or give the impression that it was up for discussion. If they’re paying themselves, and choose the wedding details they want, it makes things a lot less stressful when they don’t have to “defend” their choices to mom who might want something different. It’s not her wedding.

AMEN! Remembering my own wedding, 40 years ago in October.

Mom: You can’t get married without inviting X, Y, Z!
Me: Is Father going to refuse to perform the ceremony if they’re not there??

About a week before the wedding:
Dad: If you wanted to get married where M. is posted we could have done that!
Me: Why didn’t you say that 3 months ago when we decided to get married this fall?! We could have had a nice intimate wedding with just the immediate family. Less money, less fuss, less headache.