Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[BlueEyedLady]

Actually a spa can be cheaper. I didn’t say I’d go to a restaurant just that I hate women only bridal showers. They’re boring to me. Why do people care that I hate women only showers? Not sure how’s it affects anyone else but me. If people would get upset because I didn’t like their idea to do something I despise then they’re not people I’d want around.

You want a spa day but you hate women only showers??? Those poor guys!

 

[TeachCatechism]

You want a spa day but you hate women only showers??? Those poor guys!

I didn’t say I want it, I said I prefer it to bridal showers. I prefer root canals to showers too.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I give up. Good luck with your in-laws. You’ll need it.

BTW, no one cares that you hate making bridal gowns out of toilet paper. Not many people are wild about that. We care about the way you talk about people who are trying to do something nice for you and the way you say are willing to act in way that is going to humiliate others when things don’t go your way. We care about the way you talk down to people who aren’t earning a salary and to women who lived in the centuries before you. We care about the way you talk as if you know a party run by women over 40 is going to be boring and beneath you, and we care that you don’t see anything wrong with talking as if you don’t have the charity to tolerate an afternoon that is boring to you if it would give pleasure to someone else. We are sick of hearing you talk as if what you like and what you hate is the only thing anyone around you should care about. Even when you are the bride, thinking like that is self-centered and, well, bratty. Adults should do better, even in the secular world, and Christians should do a lot better. Even pagans are awake enough to the world around them to know it does not revolve around their personal likes and dislikes.

If you’re not even willing to restrain yourself to act with the level of civility that the secular world expects, who are you to be lecturing anybody else on Christian charity?

That’s a nasty response. I’ve repeatedly stated people who know me would know I despise women only showers and any such party would be out of spite yet this is ignored. I’m ignoring the rest of this post as it’s downright mean.

 

[Ms_Manners]

Let us remember who we are dealing with when we organize a wedding. We are joining two families in the hopes of making a harmonious whole. We are dealing with the people who will be going through this couple’s every family celebration and family crisis for the rest of everyone’s lives.

In our case, we were dealing with an adult couple (us), throwing a party and paying for it, and inviting some people to come.
Just like with any other parties, they were all guests.
Guests get to decide whether they want to come or not and what to wear, and that is it.
They do not get to dictate various aspects of the event.

Our parents didn’t go to any meetings with us, didn’t make any decisions, and didn’t have access to people who took care of parts of the party.
They also did not get to make their own guest list.
They knew roughly what it would look like, but we did not give them the menu to approve, for example.

Happily, the guests who also happened to be family decided to come, even though they did not get to call any shots.

 

[EasterJoy]

In our case, we were dealing with an adult couple (us), throwing a party and paying for it, and inviting some people to come.
Just like with any other parties, they were all guests.
Guests get to decide whether they want to come or not and what to wear, and that is it.
They do not get to dictate various aspects of the event.

Our parents didn’t go to any meetings with us, didn’t make any decisions, and didn’t have access to people who took care of parts of the party.
They also did not get to make their own guest list.
They knew roughly what it would look like, but we did not give them the menu to approve, for example.

Happily, the guests who also happened to be family decided to come, even though they did not get to call any shots.

This is the ideal, which is to say that everyone is sane, has been educated concerning the spirit behind the rules of etiquette, and kindly consents to follow that spirit as a matter of course. Judith Martin would approve!

 

[fencersmother]

Oh Teach, please tell me you are a teenager. You sound just like my middle schooler kids, heels dug in, “I won’t and you can’t make me.”

Really, you don’t have to worry about anyone doing anything nice for you, since you obviously cannot accept kindness and charity, because of what you hate.

I do pray God that you are never again bored by anyone’s kindness to you.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Oh Teach, please tell me you are a teenager. You sound just like my middle schooler kids, heels dug in, “I won’t and you can’t make me.”

Really, you don’t have to worry about anyone doing anything nice for you, since you obviously cannot accept kindness and charity, because of what you hate.

I do pray God that you are never again bored by anyone’s kindness to you.

Once again missing the point. It’s not an act of kindness to do something they were asked not to do. It’s an act of spite. I can accept kindness but doing something I asked not to do isn’t being kind.

 

[Lorelei12]

Once again missing the point. It’s not an act of kindness to do something they were asked not to do. It’s an act of spite. I can accept kindness but doing something I asked not to do isn’t being kind.

Actually, I think the point is that it is rude, and not at all gracious, to announce to anyone you know right after becoming engaged that you hate bridal showers, especially if they are all women, and would not attend if someone threw you one. A wedding, if a couple is paying for it themselves, is their own business. But offering to throw a party in your honor is generally- except maybe for those people who are just attention-seekers- a kind gesture. It’s a ton of work and can be expensive to throw someone a shower.

I don’t love showers either. I also hate attention. My friends know me well, and they threw me a very tasteful and lovely bridal shower at a nice restaurant. We didn’t have any games (which I also can’t stand, but would have been a good sport if there had been any). They were also kind enough not to make it a surprise shower, because I’m not fond of that kind of surprise.

Your friends might know you well enough to not bother with a shower for you, but what if your soon to be mother in law is so thrilled to have you joining the family that she wants to plan one? All of the sudden it’s more complicated than “my way or the highway”. Telling her no and that you wouldn’t attend isn’t a great way to start out joining a husband’s family.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you might find someone so great that all the things you think are hills to die on won’t be so important. I think that’s often the case. It’s also often the case that women who vowed never to give up their careers decide to stay home, or they or their babies have complications that necessitate it. I’d say that if someone is so staunchly against any kind of compromise or allowance for unforeseen circumstances, marriage and raising children is probably not the right vocation.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, I think the point is that it is rude, and not at all gracious, to announce to anyone you know right after becoming engaged that you hate bridal showers, especially if they are all women, and would not attend if someone threw you one. A wedding, if a couple is paying for it themselves, is their own business. But offering to throw a party in your honor is generally- except maybe for those people who are just attention-seekers- a kind gesture. It’s a ton of work and can be expensive to throw someone a shower.

I don’t love showers either. I also hate attention. My friends know me well, and they threw me a very tasteful and lovely bridal shower at a nice restaurant. We didn’t have any games (which I also can’t stand, but would have been a good sport if there had been any). They were also kind enough not to make it a surprise shower, because I’m not fond of that kind of surprise.

Your friends might know you well enough to not bother with a shower for you, but what if your soon to be mother in law is so thrilled to have you joining the family that she wants to plan one? All of the sudden it’s more complicated than “my way or the highway”. Telling her no and that you wouldn’t attend isn’t a great way to start out joining a husband’s family.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you might find someone so great that all the things you think are hills to die on won’t be so important. I think that’s often the case. It’s also often the case that women who vowed never to give up their careers decide to stay home, or they or their babies have complications that necessitate it. I’d say that if someone is so staunchly against any kind of compromise or allowance for unforeseen circumstances, marriage and raising children is probably not the right vocation.

I agree with you, except I would not go so far as to guess at her vocation. It takes some backbone to be a good parent, after all, and a willingness to stick to your guns even though some noses may get bent when the reasons warrant it. Many if not most of us have felt as strongly as she is writing now. Many of us have been gentled by life, and went with what life threw at us gently when the time came. We have found that the nature of a compromise was actually different when we got to it.

I think I may have come off as implying that her principles are not important. I did not mean that, and I can understand that she would be indignant as she is being if she felt she was being taken that way. When the principle is right in front of you and the person is theoretical, the principle seems the more important. It is real, and the person is a fantasy. When the person is real and the extenuating circumstances are real and plain to see, though, then the difference between the well-meaning person and the controlling and spiteful person she has in mind become real, too.

If she gets into the situation we are talking about, where she sees the person we have in mind and not the person she has in mind–the person she has in mind being the one who will take a mile if you give her an inch–she will probably interpret the whole thing differently and act accordingly. It happens all of the time. If she goes into her marriage willing to take a little time to see whether or not her preconceived notion is correct, being willing to believe her fiancé’s assessment of the relatives who make her wary, she will probably do just fine.