Wedding Size

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How big was your wedding (attendance wise)? How did you draw the line who to invite/who not to invite?
 
I think that this is not a one-size-fits-all sort of situation. Each family dynamic is different. What works in one family won’t necessarily work in others.

My budget is not your budget. My circumstance is not your circumstance.

Apples, oranges.

Do what works for YOU.
 
Understood, but I was just asking as a general survey. I was curious how people made those decisions.
 
About 80 people were invited and probably 90% of that number attended.

I have a really, really small family…so I think my number was just short of 30 and that included friends and family.

My husband’s family is huge and his parents are divorced so we had to do separate lists for both sides.

We basically asked each of his parents to make a list and we made decisions on who to cut from there.

I basically told my husband you have about 50 invites that belong to you…be wise about your who you invite.

Our one big rule was just family and friends that we knew. Absolutely no friends or co-workers of parents we didn’t know. This rule upset my MIL who couldn’t understand why my mom’s girlfriends were invited but none of her coworkers or Church friends were invited.

We had to explain to her that my mother’s friends were people I’ve known most of my life and whose kids I’ve played with growing up…even my husband had been to some of their parties. Her friends were people my husband and I have never met.

We were financing the wedding ourselves…so it was our list entirely. If we wanted to make cuts…we were going to make cuts.
 
My husband’s side is small, and as far as I know, everyone came, including aunts and uncles. That was still fewer people than my immediate family (that is my siblings, nieces, nephews, and in-laws.) On my side, the attendance was more spotty, but to tell you the truth I don’t know who was able to come and who wasn’t. I never expected that there was a weekend that everyone could come for anything, save for something like our grandparents’ golden anniversary or some other command performance like that. We could have packed the reception hall if it were just my parents holding joint family reunions, had everyone been able to come.

We were far enough from his home town that we didn’t really need to draw a line. There was plenty of room for the whole cast of characters–neighbors, relatives, and so on–who would usually be invited to a wedding on my side with room to spare because his side was so much smaller, because I live in an area where big family weddings (on both the bride’s and the groom’s sides, plus the neighbors that both sets of parents went to school with and whose children went to school with the bride and groom) are so common.

We could not have had a small wedding, really, not without essentially eloping. I have too many aunts, uncles, and cousins, and some were close neighbors, so it was either invite just the immediate family–already a sizeable group–or else “open up the floodgates and ask 'em all.”
 
We kept our wedding as small and inexpensive as possible. We were Episcopalian at the time and the parish was a small one. We just had immediate family and close friends. All in all around 30 people, as I recall. It was 30 years ago this October.

I wore a hand made dress, my matron of honor (my sister) wore a dress she’d worn as a bridesmaid for a friend of hers. We both carried simple bouquets and we had boutonnières for the men in our wedding party–just the groom, my brothers (one gave me away and the other ushered), and one other usher, and a corsage for my mother (his couldn’t come). The reception was held at the church and was catered by family and friends. Very simple but quite nice, and even bigger than I would have liked. 🙂
 
My husband and I both have ridiculously large families, most of whom we don’t know well or at all. We limited it to immediate family, grandparents, and very close friends. Our total was 67, though 2 people who weren’t invited showed up anyways.
 
23 people.

We both have very small immediate families. But very large extended families.

So, we only had immediate family. And a few friends.

I didn’t want a wedding where I didn’t know everyone. Or one where I didn’t have a chance to talk to everyone.
 
About 200 invited, about 175 came.

We cut it off at acquaintances, inviting almost all of our family and friends.
 
We invited 130 about 90 showed up. The whole wedding process was very stressful for me. If I ever have a girl, we will definitely be hiring a wedding planner for her wedding.
 
When my wife and I were discussing the wedding at first she said we would invite all first cousins - then she learned I have over 150 first cousins, many married with children of their own. Just my side would have been over 400 guests.

That was when we started cutting back.
 
SamH said:
When my wife and I were discussing the wedding at first she said we would invite all first cousins - then she learned I have over 150 first cousins, many married with children of their own. Just my side would have been over 400 guests.

That was when we started cutting back.
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Granted my husband doesn’t have that many first cousins…I think he has about 50 or so (many married with kids)…but we encountered the same situation.

But to draw a comparison between our families…I have exactly one first cousin (who is getting married this year and has no kids) compared to my husband’s big family.

There was no way we could have invited everyone…the wedding would have been a total family reunion for his side.
 
My DD is getting married this spring. We have a guest list of about 350. We’re expecting about 300 to show up. It is a struggle to decide where to cut it at. In some ways, it’s more difficult when you’re having a large wedding because more people expect to make the cut! The bride and groom chose the big bash versus sophisticated soirée. Reception at the high school gym where I teach; simple dinner, beer and wine only etc. While it won’t be cheap, I know people spend a lot more for many fewer people. Most importantly, they are getting married at our home parish and are spending as much time planning the Mass and marriage as they are the party.

Kris
 
We had about 120 guests but we were able to keep costs down by cobbling together a wedding from what our guests could contribute. My uncle is a priest. Another aunty and her best friend were caterers. My mums best friend and her daughter and my brothers girlfriend at the time were singers who made themselves into an angelic choir. My Italian MIL hand made all the bomboniere, table decos and pew decos. A friends Mum made my dress and bridesmade dresses. Mums friends husband owned a vintage car and he and his friends were the wedding cars. My cousin did the video. We hired photographer, the venue and the band… and the costs were kept suprisingly small. However, you have to make sure your non-contracted family helpers, are going to be reliable. I’ve heard horror stories of unreliable ring-ins not delivering what’s promised and spoiling the day.
 
Archangelic said:
How big was your wedding (attendance wise)? How did you draw the line who to invite/who not to invite?
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We chose not to draw the line at all - we invited the whole kit and kaboodle - we’re both the youngest of large families. Had something like 100 or so people who actually made it - maybe more - never went back and counted. Basically we invited all siblings, their spouses and/or others, all their children, their children’s children, our parents, our friends and co-workers. Long story - but we were married on a Friday evening (the 13th actually) and many couldn’t come because of work. But it was all good. Rented a park facility for the reception - served basic foods prepared by ourselves plus some party trays from the story, a beer keg and several cases of pop and had food left over. Considering our invites were deliberately casual and no RSVP was asked for, I think most people knew what to expect 🙂 and if not, they were polite enough not to complain - some said it was the most fun they’d had a reception 😃

Basically we saw the whole thing as one giant celebration of our new union - food, family, friends, and dancing - and that’s what we got. 👍

For us - tweaking the guest list was an absurd idea - so we just went casual and inexpensive as possible. 🤷
 
Archangelic said:
How big was your wedding (attendance wise)? How did you draw the line who to invite/who not to invite?
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We had about 40 people.

We wanted it smaller, but still it included our families and close friends.
Instead of a specific number, we drew the line at one year and our own guests only.
No parents’ friends, no people invited for appearances’ sake, and no one we hadn’t heard from in the last year.
It may seem harsh, but we wanted to have a wedding we could afford ourselves, without making our parents pay or asking guests for money (so common, but we both hate it). We also didn’t feel like we needed to invite everyone we’d ever met.

It was nice, we had a good time, and all the people who are really important to us were there to share the moment.
 
About 50 people attended our wedding. We invited family members (including immediate families plus aunts, uncles, and cousins) and close friends. We invited about 65, I think.

Because of the small venue and our budget, we needed to limit it to about 50-60. We were not able to allow everyone to bring a guest because of this, and limited it to those who were married or engaged (aside from couples who were already part of our group of friends). This upset several people who were living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, who thought their status was more deserving than serious couples living apart. We also did not invite children from outside of either of our families.

Others were upset they couldn’t bring a date regardless of their living situation or relationship status. We simply wanted to keep it on the small side, stick to our budget, and preferred not to have a bunch of people we didn’t even know at our wedding. The way we saw it- there were several people we each would have liked to have invited but did not have the space or money to do so, so we weren’t going to include dates instead of inviting people we knew and wanted there!

In the end, we stuck to our “rules”, were polite but firm when people either threatened not to come or wrote extra people into the response cards, and ended up having the perfect number for us. We had a lovely day and (I think) everyone who was upset at us for being so “limited” got over it.
 
Lorelei12 said:
About 50 people attended our wedding. We invited family members (including immediate families plus aunts, uncles, and cousins) and close friends. We invited about 65, I think.

Because of the small venue and our budget, we needed to limit it to about 50-60. We were not able to allow everyone to bring a guest because of this, and limited it to those who were married or engaged (aside from couples who were already part of our group of friends). This upset several people who were living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, who thought their status was more deserving than serious couples living apart. We also did not invite children from outside of either of our families.

Others were upset they couldn’t bring a date regardless of their living situation or relationship status. We simply wanted to keep it on the small side, stick to our budget, and preferred not to have a bunch of people we didn’t even know at our wedding. The way we saw it- there were several people we each would have liked to have invited but did not have the space or money to do so, so we weren’t going to include dates instead of inviting people we knew and wanted there!

In the end, we stuck to our “rules”, were polite but firm when people either threatened not to come or wrote extra people into the response cards, and ended up having the perfect number for us. We had a lovely day and (I think) everyone who was upset at us for being so “limited” got over it.
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Honestly, its rude to not invite the other half of a couple – -no matter how “serious” you deem their relationship to be. They are a social unit.
 
agapewolf said:
Honestly, its rude to not invite the other half of a couple – -no matter how “serious” you deem their relationship to be. They are a social unit.
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Where do you draw the line? Someone who has been dating for one week? Someone dating multiple people? We drew the line where it made sense for us- we simply could not afford the space or money for about 15-20 extra guests. Especially when we had to leave out people we knew and loved already.

Sorry if you think it’s rude, but I posted to answer the OP’s question, not invite criticism about my own wedding. 🤷
 
Lorelei12 said:
Where do you draw the line? Someone who has been dating for one week? Someone dating multiple people? We drew the line where it made sense for us- we simply could not afford the space or money for about 15-20 extra guests. Especially when we had to leave out people we knew and loved already.

Sorry if you think it’s rude, but I posted to answer the OP’s question, not invite criticism about my own wedding. 🤷
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It’s not me whose just giving an opinion. This is a common wedding etiquette rule. You don’t get to determine the seriousness of someone’s relationship and whether they deserve to bring them to a wedding.
 
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