Wedding woes :( any suggestions

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kedera

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I hope this is the appropriate spot to be. It seems fitting for my problem since it concerns my family and my hopefully soon-to-be grooms family.

I came into the church in 2008, my boyfriend is currently in RCIA, and it is understood by all that we will be getting married (hopefully by the end of the year). Now here is the problem. We both come from staunchly Southern Baptist families who do not like our conversion whatsoever. My father is a deacon and in denial that I will remain Catholic, and my BF’s grandmother said, and I quote, “He’s crazy if he thinks he’s gonna be Catholic!” He has a semi-estranged relationship with his family simply because they have always treated him like a second class citizen (long sad story) :(. The thought of our wedding makes my head hurt:stretcher:. I want my wedding in the Church but doing that will create serious tension and I wouldn’t be surprised if a couple of people didn’t go (I really wouldn’t miss these folks, but it would add to the tension by their refusing to go). I can’t stand the thought of being depressed at my wedding:crying:. I really don’t want to have it (with a priest there) at my old Baptist Church because they know we are Catholic and what it means to be married in the Church. It wouldn’t feel right to do that at all, and it would be awkward 🤷. Are there other options? Is having two weddings weird? Any advice would be soooo welcomed.
 
kedera said:
I really don’t want to have it (with a priest there) at my old Baptist Church …
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This would not be an option for you anyway - you are both (will be) Catholic and will need to marry in the Catholic Church.

This is hard - weddings like this are never easy. But you have to remember that you will both be leaving your families to become one with each other - to start your own family, with your own shared Faith, traditions, and beliefs. You will be his wife - he will be your husband. You need to do what is right and healthy and spiritually good for your marriage which will be a Sacrament.

This will be YOUR wedding - not theirs. Have a full Nuptial Mass - receive Holy Communion with your husband by your side for the first time as a married woman. Do not let others pull you down and ruin this amazing and beautiful day for you.

If they don’t come, or they don’t support your Faith, then you will have this with you for the rest of your life - not just on your wedding day.

Put all this drama aside and concentrate on making sure you are BOTH ready for marriage - not ready for a wedding. Very very different mindsets.

You will be fine - just stand by your Faith and your convictions. It won’t be the last time you have to defend them to your families - this is an excellent start.

Congratulations on your conversions!!!

~Liza
 
I know it can be hard to disappoint family (especially when they are so vocal about their disappointment) but doing things to appease relatives is no way to start a marriage.
You may find yourself doing that for the rest of your life, at the peril of your marriage. Once your family starts to see that they can manipulate and chip away at you, it will never end. And if it isn’t about religion, it will be something else - trust me.
Do it the way you and your fiancé want to. This is the start of your life. Stand up for yourself and God will provide the rest.
There is nothing on earth as beautiful as a Catholic wedding. Christ is TRULY present. Amazing.
 
familyministries.org/resources/article.asp?c_id=3&t_id=3&article_id=94

foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20399023

foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398787
foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398742

While none of these articles has a full answer to your dilemma, they all share a common theme…you and your intended are the most important. You are forming a new family, but you love your family of origin. Both of these websites the US Catholic Council of Bishops website and the archdiocese of Chicago family ministries website offer wonderful insights in making your new family, one that will be blessed since you have come to Jesus to be present at it. Just becoming a Catholic presents challenges to families who resent it. But the key thing to do, is not to lose hope or become frustrated with the roadblocks your families may present…rather pray together. Pray for your families and for each other that they will come to accept and even recognize that your choice is solid and fruitful for both of you.

As strange as it may be…a wise priest said, that when grandkids come…the grandparents and extended parents are won over to their children’s new family because they love their grandchildren. Pray. Pray and pray some more and I will add you to my prayer list as well. This should be a joyous time for both of you and it will be. Surround yourself with supportive friends and extended family and your own family may surrender because they want to be with you. God bless you! God bless your fiance who will soon come home to the church as well.

And finally there is another great website to perhaps discover…
catholicscomehome.org/ It’s not only for lapsed Catholics, but for new Catholics or just those who wish to learn more about what Catholics stand for. It’s very interactive.
 
If you are **both **Catholic at the time of your wedding, you are obligated to be married in the Catholic form. You cannot get married at a baptist church. Also, it is prohibited by canon law to have two weddings.

You can choose to have a small wedding, all you need is a priest and two witnesses, or you can have a large wedding. You can have your wedding with a Nuptial Mass. You can choose to forego a full Mass, having instead only the Marriage Rite if you want. These are options you can talk to your priest who is preparing you for marriage about.

I suggest you begin in the way you will go in your married life-- as unapologetic Catholics. If people choose not to attend, that is their problem, not yours. You and your fiance will have to weather family interference all through your marriage. Best to stand united now and focus on the Sacrament and not what other people think about it.
 
Quick thought:

You might want to consider a ceremony without the mass, as stated by 1ke. If both your families are Baptist, who, exactly, will participate!?!?! :eek:

(Not saying it isn’t important, but in this case, might be a small sacrifice to keep both families sane!)
 
doing things to appease relatives is no way to start a marriage.
You may find yourself doing that for the rest of your life, at the peril of your marriage. Once your family starts to see that they can manipulate and chip away at you, it will never end. And if it isn’t about religion, it will be something else - trust me.
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Trust me too. MercyMia is spot on. Read this 10,000,000 times if you have to, until it really sinks in.
 
lizaanne said:
If they don’t come, or they don’t support your Faith, then you will have this with you for the rest of your life - not just on your wedding day.

Put all this drama aside and concentrate on making sure you are BOTH ready for marriage - not ready for a wedding. Very very different mindsets.

/QUOTE]

We are ready to get married, very much so. No body has my back when it comes to my faith as much as Adam (the BF). Our mindsets are right where they should be. However, I AM close to my parents and I hate the thought that my being Catholic is hurting them and a wedding in a Catholic Church will blow my fathers mind. Religion has become a topic that we do not discuss, because my father especially, takes it as a personal insult to him and a failure on his part to instill his faith (we do not see it this way at all). We can manage day to day, if my dad asks “Are you still Catholic?” I say “sure am” then he doesn’t speak to me for a while, then he gets over it. Its not ideal, but we manage. The wedding day is my problem, because I want it to be a happy and wonderful day, and I know I will be happy to be married to probably the most amazing person I know, but i know the wedding place is going to create tension. I am just trying to figure out a way to keep peace and harmony and it just doesn’t seem that I am going to be able to do that.🤷
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I think you should very seriously consider a Catholic wedding ceremony without the full Mass. Talk about this possibility with your fiance and talk with your priest about it as well.

In my experience, a high percentage of the differences, misunderstandings, confusion, hurt feelings, etc. between Catholics and Protestants stem from our different beliefs and practices regarding Communion (with a Southern Baptist family, some of the other differnces may also be quite pronounced). The Catholic ceremony without a Mass is still quite beautiful, solemn, and meaningful. The Scriptural focus might be very appealing to non-Catholic family. Rather than exacerbate tensions, it might help overcome some misunderstandings.

If you like, perhaps you and your soon-to-be-husband could also attend Mass togther that morning and receive communion together.
 
I think that you should talk candidly with your parents and explain your options. Let them know how much you would love them to a part of your wedding. Then let them know that if they decide that they will not want to attend your wedding, you would appreciate knowing so that you can plan something smaller. They might feel better about it by being able to give you their (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
I feel for both you and your families.

I"ll probably end up playing the role of the disgruntled family someday as one or more of my daughters will probably end up marrying in another church (at the rate things are going, one will probably be a Greek Orthodox Church) Yes. I’m praying… but they’ve accused me of “shoving Catholicism down their throats” (meaning I raised them in the faith I knew and loved rather than going out of my way to find something else?) 🤷

I’ll probably be the relative who doesn’t show up and everyone says “Her loss” to it.

It’s hard to be a parent raising a kid in a faith and have them do something else.

On the other hand, I was also a bride planning my wedding. (Someone shoulda stopped me).

As others have said… worry less about the day. Worry more about the particular challenges you will have with families that do not support that particular choice. Be strong with each other. You cannot have two ceremonies. That would be “simulating the sacrament” because in your actions you would be saying one or the other of them was just a playacting. You both confer the sacrament of matrimony on each other when you exchange a free and mutual consent to be married. Your family will witness that.

Maybe you can have your dad the Baptist deacon do one of the readings to make him feel included and as a sign of respect for his devotion. Surely both sets of parents did something right in that their example of faith led you to pursue it more deeply to a more complete vision of Truth.

If no one but you two and the priest are Catholic at the wedding, having a Mass might emphasize the lack of unity with the families. But you get special graces having a Nuptial Mass. And you will have to visit this subject again with the baptism of children. So it’s good practice now to get used to being Catholic in a sea of Baptists.

Maybe you could start your rehearsal evening with meeting at your dad’s church and having him lead a little prayer service with bible readings and prayers. And then proceed to the Catholic church for the rehearsal?
You might want to go out of your way having the moms help plan the reception and the rehearsal dinners and let them have special prayers for you all at the dinner.

I don’t know. It sounds like a difficult thing. Ask your priest. I’m sure he’s used to different ways to handle this.
 
Thank you all for your suggestions, I am going to make an appointment to talk to one of our priest, or try to catch one after RCIA (im sponsoring a friend as well). I know that my parents love me more than life itself and want me to be happy, but thats why it’s hard for me. I really want to have the full mass and at some point I am going to have to let them know what we are going to do. It’s funny because we really only have a few Catholic friends and no Catholic family so the communion line will only have about 5 people! 😃 Thanks again for all the insight and advice!
 
I think if I were in your situation I’d maybe focus on having a small, modest Catholic wedding. Invite everyone but, considering the circumstances, don’t be offended if some people don’t come. It’s awful that it has to be that way, but if you’re whole family is anti-Catholic, that may just be the reality. 😦

And then this would allow yout to put the bulk of your time, planning, inviting, etc. into the reception for your friends and family.
 
I believe the saying that most people don’t really hate the Catholic faith, they hate what they think it teaches. I converted from Baptist and I’m still the only practicing Catholic in my extended family. My father did not come for my confirmation at Easter Vigil, but after many years he finally ended up at a funeral mass because one of my dear CRHP sisters lost her mother. Thankfully, most of the relatives have been respectful and happy that I found “my church home” where I am clearly being filled with The Holy Spirit. I had more active confrontation from someone I had to see daily at work who wanted to “save” me from making a mistake in becoming Catholic. What I realized was that I needed to really learn my faith so that I could defend it with truth and love.

For someone with a deacon for a father I believe that he might be open to reading a book or something to help him to understand that we are indeed Christians and not some kind of cult. (I know what he is probably thinking as I remember being Baptist and even having a film shown at our church about how Catholics were supposed to be a cult and not Christians.) There are some really great things by Scott Hahn and Patrick Madrid that perhaps you could read and pass on to your father with the offer to have a discussion afterward. It may help him to understand that the mass is filled with scriptural references and not pagan rituals and that we are the original Christians. I studied my way into the church over many years, so I’m a believer in giving people who like to read something they can ponder in their own time. God is free to work on their heart and possibly cool their temperment before I have to talk with them.

Also if you can get to that point, asking your father to do one of the scriptural readings might be a good idea. Telling him how important it is to you both that God be at the center of your marriage and how important the Bible is in your new faith may help out. I know many Baptists really believe that we never read the Bible nor have readings in church.

I do agree that having a full nuptial mass might not work well if the vast majority of those in attendance won’t understand what is happening and cannot join in communion. Baptists believe in symbolic communion, so that will only raise another point for arguments and hurt feelings. It won’t make you any less married to not have the full nuptial mass and you will still have the scriptual readings which your families will understand.
 
The funny thing is, is that my family is not anti-Catholic, they have Catholic friends who are as close as family. One of my dads best friends is a man who never married and devoted his life to teaching about the Catholic faith! They are just anti-me-being-Catholic! My dad is the biggest non-fan of this, i think he just sees it as my rejecting him. Its odd I know.
 
kedera said:
The funny thing is, is that my family is not anti-Catholic, they have Catholic friends who are as close as family. One of my dads best friends is a man who never married and devoted his life to teaching about the Catholic faith! They are just anti-me-being-Catholic! My dad is the biggest non-fan of this, i think he just sees it as my rejecting him. Its odd I know.
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This may be more than just your Faith that is eating at your dad. If you two are that close, he may feel you slipping away from him altogether. You may need to let him know that you will always love him as much as you always have once you are married, and that you look to him for the example of a husband, and that is why you have found the man who is so perfect for you. If he knows that he will never loose his little girl, then he might be more willing to understand your conversion and that it’s not pulling you away from him. It could very well be the combination of marriage and conversion that makes him feel he is totally loosing you.

I don’t know the situation - but if this fits you may want to consider it when speaking to him again.

~Liza
 
I know that when I was Protestant seminary student, I want to my cousin’s Catholic wedding and I was actually bowled over by the beauty of the nuptial mass and the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I even told a professor that I wished we did communion like that. What impressed me was I felt the Eucharist really proclaimed Christs death, resurection, and coming. (That’s why I support the Eucharist liturgy being in the common languages…) Maybe something similar could happen with your family (that was not the first time I had been to mass-although in fairness the first time when I was really walking with God…,

I’d pray about what you should do. In the case of your Dad though, I completely relate. My mother was a former Catholic who converted to Pentecostalism and she’s still having issues with my conversion. She cried at my confirmation ceremony. I think though the main thing with her is sometimes I talk about Catholicism to her, but I mainly try to emphasis our common beliefs. Arguing about religion hasn’t changed her mind-its fruitless.

In your dad’s case especially, I think it would really help if you sat your Dad down and basically told him that your not rejecting everything he taught you. You could say that the main thing your Dad taught you was to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior-and to follow Jesus. And say that you still accept Jesus as your personal Savior and you are still following him.
 
**God Bless you for your strong witness. As was said before, the Sacrament is Matrimony, your marriage is the key, not your relatives wishes.

The Wedding Mass & the Most Holy Eucharist could be an excellent way to witness to your Baptist family without conflict!**

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark
 
This is an interesting situation. I do understand your conflict. And, I can see where it would be easy for those folks who are responding to tell you to take the hard line if they are not in your situation. And…I wonder how these same folks would respond if this were a Catholic parent posting that they were torn between attending or not attending their child’s wedding which was being held at a different church because he/she had converted away from Catholicism. Hmmm…

I think you have two options…have a small Catholic ceremony with those five people you mentioned, and then a reception afterward for your entire family. Or…have a secular wedding ceremony and then receive a convalidation from the church afterward. I would not have a Baptist wedding, and technically, you can’t if you are both Catholic. I just wouldn’t because I see that as catering to your parents’ ridiculous wishes.

As a parent, I can tell you nothing will keep me away from my childrens’ weddings, no matter where they choose to have them. I would be ecstatic if they get married in the Church, but even if they don’t I will be there with bells on. I wonder if your parents aren’t just bluffing. Do you really think they would skip your wedding???
 
lada said:
This is an interesting situation. I do understand your conflict. And, I can see where it would be easy for those folks who are responding to tell you to take the hard line if they are not in your situation. And…I wonder how these same folks would respond if this were a Catholic parent posting that they were torn between attending or not attending their child’s wedding which was being held at a different church because he/she had converted away from Catholicism. Hmmm…

I think you have two options…have a small Catholic ceremony with those five people you mentioned, and then a reception afterward for your entire family. Or…have a secular wedding ceremony and then receive a convalidation from the church afterward. I would not have a Baptist wedding, and technically, you can’t if you are both Catholic. I just wouldn’t because I see that as catering to your parents’ ridiculous wishes.

As a parent, I can tell you nothing will keep me away from my childrens’ weddings, no matter where they choose to have them. I would be ecstatic if they get married in the Church, but even if they don’t I will be there with bells on. I wonder if your parents aren’t just bluffing. Do you really think they would skip your wedding???
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A Catholic can not have a secular wedding. This is not a valid suggestion for two practicing Catholics. This goes against church teaching and their marriage would not be valid and to doing this with full knowledge would be a sin.
 
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