Weird in-laws/what to do

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lily20

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Hi,

I’ve posted here before… my in-laws “channel spirits” and are into really weird ideas with their sons, including a totally democratic upbringing in the family so that my husband does not respect authority figures. I really don’t like having my MIL especially over to our home is constantly “advising” me and says “we” meaning her son and her.

My husband adores his mom and wants to be “connected” to her almost every day. My question is this: do I have to go with my husband over to my in-laws’ home? And, am I obligated to spend weekly engagements with them. Keep in mind, my husband is NOT working and his mom still gets him things/wants him to move in with her/etc. etc. So I feel this relationship is very toxic for him as well as it keeps him stalled in a “little boy” state, although he would NEVER admit this.

I don’t have a lot of strength to listen to their strange religious views as well, which is very taxing on me. They told me after my son’s baptism that I was a “portal” for my son and that’s why he exists.

Thanks in advance for the words of wisdom.
~Lily
 
I would say it’s more than fine to avoid such people, even if they are your in-laws. In fact, it might even be of grave matter to associate with such people.
 
lily20 said:
Hi,

I’ve posted here before… my in-laws “channel spirits” and are into really weird ideas with their sons, including a totally democratic upbringing in the family so that my husband does not respect authority figures. I really don’t like having my MIL especially over to our home is constantly “advising” me and says “we” meaning her son and her.

My husband adores his mom and wants to be “connected” to her almost every day. My question is this: do I have to go with my husband over to my in-laws’ home? And, am I obligated to spend weekly engagements with them. Keep in mind, my husband is NOT working and his mom still gets him things/wants him to move in with her/etc. etc. So I feel this relationship is very toxic for him as well as it keeps him stalled in a “little boy” state, although he would NEVER admit this.

I don’t have a lot of strength to listen to their strange religious views as well, which is very taxing on me. They told me after my son’s baptism that I was a “portal” for my son and that’s why he exists.

Thanks in advance for the words of wisdom.
~Lily
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Hi Lily,

I think this is what I would do if I were in your situation because I think you are rigth that this mother son relationship if it is how you describe it is unhealthy. Is your husband actively looking for a job now?

First, I would not get involved in any of the channeling of spirits. If they are going to do that then just excuse yourself and go do something else. Likewise when they start with their views that are taxing on you politely change the subject. I would also, see if you can get your husband to learn more about your faith. Maybe try sharing with him and interesting article or book that you have recently read. Or a “Do you know what I learned today…” statment

Secondly, I would sit your husband down and talk to him about wanting to grow your marriage with him and having your own (you and your husbands) chance at building a family how you as a team see fit with less influence by all of your relatives. (Include yours in there as well so as not to seem like you are singuling out his family which will cause him to be defensive and lead into nothing but a fight.) This is your chance to build your lives together and you want to be able to do it without outside influence. You are the couple and want to act as such.

Third, about going to your inlaws house, I would say yes however you don’t have to do it all the time. It doesn’t have to be weekly and it might be helpful in weaning your husband off his mother if you start planning things with him in advance that replace those days. That way he already has another commitment with you as you should be his first priority. Be charitable about it and recognize his family is very important to him so you should respect that. That doesn’t mean you have to spend every day over there or always go but you need to be able to compromise with him a bit. You should not try to completely cut him off from his family.

Fourth, Do not move in with his family. From what you describe that would just be a disaster.
 
Set up an appointment with your pastor and tell him everything you have told us.
Do it soon

This situation cannot be handled properly in an on line forum.
There are issues involved here that are of great danger to your marriage and to your faith.
It will require ongoing, face to face counseling by someone who knows you and your faith well.

Please do not hesitate to make the appointment.

Peace
James
 
Ok, yes my parish priest knows of the situation. I have been evangelizing my husband but he is un-receptive.

Yes, my husband and I have had many conversations on putting the marriage first, both of us need to, but it’s not something he is used to, having grown up as a dependent of his mom. I am also incredibly independent so it’s not easy for me as well. So you can understand, he will think he’s doing it when he’s not, as myself as well.

Thank you!
 
lily20 said:
Yes, I want nothing to do with them! :mad:
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What you don´t want from them is the influence they are giving your husband and possibly your child which you think can cause harm to your home. You are torn betwen the idea to respect his family by interacting with them and at the same time protecting your family from the probable harmful effects their beliefs and upbringing may cause.

You mentioned that your husband is not working. Is there a way you can help him look for a job, make him busy or volunteer? The idea is to make him productive so he will feel useful and not depend on his mother so much.
 
I’m not trying to be judgemental, but I’m wondering why this issue didn’t come up before your marriage. Did your husband not spend time with his family on a weekly basis before? Did you discuss your expectation that he would limit visits once married? Personally, I think that is a very big sacrifice you are asking him to make. For me, family comes first and when you marry someone, you marry their family. If something about their family disturbs you, then that should be discussed prior to matrimony. Did they hide these beliefs from you duing your courtship?

If my fiance expressed a disinterest in spending time with my family (and the Lord know’s they’re far from perfect) I would have told him point blank that it wasn’t going to work out. If anything, I get annoyed that certain members of my inlaw family express no interest in us at all and tend to get annoyed at the suggestion that they might make time to spend together. (as if doing so is a major task for them) I’m disappointed by this, because I was looking forward to welcoming them into my life just as my family has welcomed my “other”.

At any rate, the milk is spilled now in your situation. I guess the best thing to do is set up boundaries with your husband and then communicate them charitably to your inlaws.
 
I have the same questions as Allegra. Didn’t you know this about them and about your husband’s relationship with his mother before marriage? Almost the worst thing a woman can do for her future is to marry a mama’s boy.

Unfortunately, your husband may see your insistence that he cut the apron strings now as unfair. After all, if you knew about all this before your marriage, then you accepted it all as is upon entering the marriage. He had no reason to think you saw it as a problem.

I agree that a whole lot of serious counseling is probably needed.
 
lily20 said:
Ok, yes my parish priest knows of the situation. I have been evangelizing my husband but he is un-receptive.

Yes, my husband and I have had many conversations on putting the marriage first, both of us need to, but it’s not something he is used to, having grown up as a dependent of his mom. I am also incredibly independent so it’s not easy for me as well. So you can understand, he will think he’s doing it when he’s not, as myself as well.

Thank you!
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Then you need to provide crystal clear examples to your husband and point when he is doing what he did not agree to do in terms of focusing on your marriage so there can be absouletly no confusion. So he can’t say he thought that is what he was doing.
 
lily20 said:
.

Yes, my husband and I have had many conversations on putting the marriage first, both of us need to, but it’s not something he is used to,** having grown up as a dependent of his mom. ** I am also incredibly independent so it’s not easy for me as well. So you can understand, he will think he’s doing it when he’s not, as myself as well.

Thank you!
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This is your no.1 problem. The umbelical cord must be cut. It will take time, but don’t be discouraged. I think the key is to balance the amount of time you and your husband spend with his family, and your alone time as a couple. Anything too radical would probably freak him out and/or make him angry. Baby steps.

May I suggest you pray the Rosary for this intention, and to go to adoration as often as you can.

God bless.
 
Yes, Schedule an appt with your pastor ASAP.

For now, I strongly advise that you remain in contact with your in-laws.
You can witness the events for late talks with your husband
and you can’t be accused of “ignoring them.”

Allowing your husband to spend HIS time with them (without you)
gives a total victory to the in-laws. They would probably be quite pleased
that you are no longer around. If HE cares about them, you must take part.

Then follow the advice of your pastor. Whatever it is!
 
lily20 said:
Hi,

I’ve posted here before… my in-laws “channel spirits” and are into really weird ideas with their sons, including a totally democratic upbringing in the family so that my husband does not respect authority figures. I really don’t like having my MIL especially over to our home is constantly “advising” me and says “we” meaning her son and her.

My husband adores his mom and wants to be “connected” to her almost every day. My question is this: do I have to go with my husband over to my in-laws’ home? And, am I obligated to spend weekly engagements with them. Keep in mind, my husband is NOT working and his mom still gets him things/wants him to move in with her/etc. etc. So I feel this relationship is very toxic for him as well as it keeps him stalled in a “little boy” state, although he would NEVER admit this.

I don’t have a lot of strength to listen to their strange religious views as well, which is very taxing on me. They told me after my son’s baptism that I was a “portal” for my son and that’s why he exists.

Thanks in advance for the words of wisdom.
~Lily
Click to expand...
I don’t know what you are going to be able to do. Your husband has never left his mommy, and she probably has more influence than you do, I’m sorry to say. Please try to limit her contact with your children, especially unsupervised. There is no telling what paranormal ideas she will plant in their minds. Everything you describe is going to be destructive to your faith and your marriage. And it’s unlikely that your husband will go for counseling, since to him, his mother is still on a pedestal.

😦
 
Time to move. Push your husband to find a job, any job and widen the area he’s looking in geographically. If he’s been out of work for a while than it’s time to tell him you no longer have the luxury of remaining where you are if he can’t find work.

Ideally, it should be somewhere at least a 4 hour drive from your in-laws. Someplace where you two can build your home together with limited interference and (name removed by moderator)ut from others.
 
Remember that we are commanded to honor our parents, even if they are weird.

Instead of forcing your husband to break this commandment, try to work on your forgiveness and tolerance of their behavior. From reading the thread, I think you are at the point were anything they say just pushes your buttons, which really means the issue is with you and not them.

Yes, your husband needs to get a job
No, you don’t have to visit whenever he does
But, you should be civil and supportive of your husband loving his parents

Pray for strength.
 
One thing I would absolutely put my foot down about–there would absolutely no “channeling” or occult doings practiced in my home. None. If they start, ask them to quit or leave. You cannot allow Satan to get a foothold in your home, and this is a common way of doing that. I would be very firm about that, even if it causes hard feelings.
 
Dacinom said:
I have to charitably disagree with your post. Yes, you are 100% correct that we are commanded to HONOR our parents…however we do not honor them when we honor them in their sin.
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. This has been a dilemma for centuries for every individual that has had abusive or manipulative parents…
I read the parents and husband are new agers but not religious. Condemning them for Catholic sin without evangelizing them first will only lead to severe conflict.** In marrying outside the faith, one signs up to meet these challenges with care and hopefully guidance from the spirit.**

I also did not read a serious claim that they followed the occult. However, if they really believe in spirits, it would be a great segue way to discussing why they don’t also believe in God.
When someone is participating in a spiritual ritual that is against Catholic church teaching such as “channeling spirits” you are not bound to honor them in this ritual or participate in any way whatsoever. When a mother-in-law tries to undermine her son’s marriage she does not need to be honored in that behavior. If his parents are encouraging the son to spend more time with his parents and less time with his wife he is not bound to HONOR this. This does not mean he has to be mean or rude to his mother. But to honor someone is to fully love them, and we do not fully love someone when we condone or go-along with their sinful behavior.
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Monica,
Besides being too motherly, how did the OP show she intentionally undermined the relationship?
Don’t read more into the OP than is clearly stated, it’s dangerous.
The best way to love parents like this is to call them, tell them you love them and pray pray pray pray pray for them! The commandments do not corner us into spending time with people who participate in borderline-satanic behavior and who try to undermine our marriages. Pray for them and hold out hope for the future. Hope this helps.
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We agree that love and respect is the cornerstone of honoring parents, and that can be done without supporting the yet unspecified satanic behavior.

Lily, until they are evangelized, you should be cautious about condemning them for sin. You will be as successful as the preacher yelling at people on the corner soapbox.
Please add more detail on their satanic or new age beliefs and practices.
 
I think the key is to balance the amount of time you and your husband spend with his
family, and your alone time as a couple. Anything too radical would probably freak him out
and/or make him angry. Baby steps.
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This is brilliant-- thanks.
 
Also I am weak in evangelization and catechism, and this may be one area I need to strengthen and perhaps it is God’s way of showing me my weakest areas.
The spiritual issues of my husband’s family draws much fear in me as it is godless and I would equate it to a black hole. Unfortunately they are all clueless to this and would see me as arrogant and cruel to explain it like this. I say the channeling is demonic but I’m not allowed to say that anymore.
I will try to keep my child away from this.

moving away is an option as we both came here from out of state anyway.

it is wise not to battle my faith with him as yes he does not find it comforting.
 
lily20 said:
Also I am weak in evangelization and catechism, and this may be one area I need to strengthen and perhaps it is God’s way of showing me my weakest areas.
The spiritual issues of my husband’s family draws much fear in me as it is godless and I would equate it to a black hole. Unfortunately they are all clueless to this and would see me as arrogant and cruel to explain it like this. I say the channeling is demonic but I’m not allowed to say that anymore.
I will try to keep my child away from this.

moving away is an option as we both came here from out of state anyway.

it is wise not to battle my faith with him as yes he does not find it comforting.
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This is one of the reasons you have a pastor. Make an appointment so that you can talk about this at length. Write out your questions, so you don’t forget the situations you want to ask about. Pray at length before you see him, to ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit; it does make a difference.
 
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