Went to reconciliation and

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KatharineJPeter

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The priest was super nice and made everything extremely comfortable for me (I had not been in quite a while.) My question is what he told me with regard to birth control. I explained to him our situation - of having had a very, very rough and scary and debilitating last pregnancy and our trepidation about conceiving again in light of the fact that my condition will only worsen with more pregnancies. I explained that I am nursing, so NFP isn’t as reliable as we’d like at this time, and that ultimately I am having a hard time trusting NFP - and my husband is having a hard time with so much abstinence. Here is exactly what he said to me:
  • Every couple needs to make a prayerful decision between themselves and God regarding this issue. There are some situations where the intent is to do no further harm to the mother’s body or the marriage or the family, and that birth control is not necessarily illicit in these circumstances.
-The Church does not recommend prolonged abstinence in a marriage because it’s unhealthy and will decay the marital bond. It is not natural for a husband and wife to live chastely and is total abstinence is not the answer to a desire to avoid pregnancy. If birth control interrupts the full union of husband and wife, so does abstinence. It is not an acceptable answer.

-He told me to read Humane Vitae - that it does not explicitly forbid birth control in all circumstances.

-The Church was not put here to place undue burdens on those with a vocation to marriage and family. Living a Godly life should not require extreme sacrifice, hardship or misery. It is not a long, burdensome list of rules to abide by.

-Do not focus on God’s wrath - for that is reserved for people who actively reject God. Focus on his infinite mercy. He knows we are weak and flawed.

-Ultimately, you have to do what is best for your family.

-The only thing in the Catholic faith that has zero exceptions to the rule is the seal of confession.

-He told me to pray to Our Lady for guidance and peace.

He could see how much pain and anxiety I am having about this issue and sought to help me. He was extremely sweet. He cared. I’m just wondering if his advice should be ignored. On the other hand, I’m wondering if Jesus put the right man in the right place at the right time so that I could move on from this issue, love Jesus, and live my (our) life.

I am not interested in a fight or mean-spirited words, please. Just looking for a sounding board.

Thanks.
 
I am sorry that you are going through a rough time, and that you do not trust NFP in your situation. In such a case, yes, abstaining completely is your option.

This priest is out of his mind.

I am so sorry you got such wrong-headed and completely inaccurate information. Jesus would never put a person in your path who would encourage you to commit a mortal sin and imperil your soul. The priest is correct to read Humanae Vitae, but he is off his rocker if he somehow got out of HV that contraception can be allowed any any circumstance. Or he was very poorly catechized in seminary. Certainly he has misunderstood Church teaching somehow along the way. It is a great tragedy he is now passing on this wrong teaching through his ministry.

Here is what HV actually says:

*Similarly excluded is any action which either before, at the moment of, or after sexual intercourse, is specifically intended to prevent procreation—whether as an end or as a means.

Neither is it valid to argue, as a justification for sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive, that a lesser evil is to be preferred to a greater one, or that such intercourse would merge with procreative acts of past and future to form a single entity, and so be qualified by exactly the same moral goodness as these. Though it is true that sometimes it is lawful to tolerate a lesser moral evil in order to avoid a greater evil or in order to promote a greater good," it is never lawful, even for the gravest reasons, to do evil that good may come of it (—in other words, to intend directly something which of its very nature contradicts the moral order, and which must therefore be judged unworthy of man, even though the intention is to protect or promote the welfare of an individual, of a family or of society in general. Consequently, it is a serious error to think that a whole married life of otherwise normal relations can justify sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive and so intrinsically wrong. *
 
You should definitely read Humana Vitae and pray to God and our Lady.
 
There will be posts on this thread insinuating that the priest is either a heretic, some other form of dissident, or an idiot. A completely unfair assessment. The priest does not have a library of magisterial documents on hand in the confessional, and mistakes are mistakes.

Of course, he still seems to be wrong.
Pope Paul VI:
Similarly excluded is any action which either before, at the moment of, or after sexual intercourse, is specifically intended to prevent procreation—whether as an end or as a means.
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A careful reading of this passage reveals that it completely bans contraception per se, but does not necessarily ban contraceptive devices or medications.

In other words, it may be permissible to use the “pill” or condoms to prevent medical complications, so long as those medical complications do not arise directly from the conception of a child. If they do, as it seems to be in your case, then there is a “specific intent to prevent procreation”, which is illegitimate.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand the priest’s slip.
 
It sounds like the priest is a really kind, good priest who wants to help… I do not want to say anything negative against him at all. I believe it’s really important to respect the priesthood. However, it seems to me that what he said is not the Church teaching. The reason I think so, is because I talked with my priest about the exact same question, - and my priest explained to me that birth control is NEVER an option, ever. Even if you feel in your conscience that it’s alright. He said, our conscience should be based on Church teaching, otherwise it is improperly formed. Then he gave me some Church documents to read. He said that sometimes, priests or even bishops would say something else because they’re trying to be pastoral but - the idea goes back to the 60s or 70s when it was a very confusing time in the Church. Maybe they are misinformed or have been taught something incorrect in seminary when there was a lot of disagreement about Humanae Vitae. But - the official Church teaching is that birth control is never an option. The reason I trust my priest on this is because he is very knowledgeable and orthodox, and has educated in a very orthodox seminary as well, and is part of the FSSP, who are traditional priests.

I’m sorry that your pregnancy was so difficult and I can understand how it would be scary now… I don’t know which NFP method you use, but I heard there’s one that is pretty reliable, - in fact more reliable than contraception… I don’t know what it’s called, but it measures your hormone level and tells you if you’re fertile or not, at a given time. I don’t know if that’s the one you use and if it’s less accurate while the mother is nursing. Maybe the only option here is to practice abstinence while you are nursing and then get back to NFP.

God bless!
 
Many priests were not properly educated in seminary. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. And it’s not the priest’s fault! It’s the fault of whomever was in charge of the seminary he attended.

That said, he was unfortunately wrong. Sincere and kind, but sincerely and kindly wrong. Sorry.
 
Your situation is so sensitive that I would recommend you seek the advice of another priest and express the counsel of this priest for any clarifications. There are pastoral approaches that a priest can utilize in very unique situations. It never ceases to amaze me how some here can stick to the letter of the law and then in the same breath call an ordained priest an idiot or someone who is out of his mind. Yes, priests can make mistakes but I would definitely seek the counsel of another priest who can now not only hear your situation but can discern your previous advice. God bless you and may you find the peace that God wants you to have… teachccd
 
I did **not **call the priest a heretic, dissenter, or idiot.

I said he might have been poorly catechized or misunderstood. He’s clearly not ignorant, since he pointed her to HV. HV is not in any way ambiguous. Nor is the Catechism.

It makes my heart *ache *that the OP went to the priest for help, to be strengthened in the faith-- it seems in her heart she already knew the Church’s teaching and the right thing to do. Instead of finding strength through confirmation of the Church’s teaching, and counsel on how to embrace this, and encouragement in what may involve suffering and struggle that comes along with doing the right thing (and allowing it to be a vehicle of grace and sanctification), seeds of confusion have now been sown and doubt is creeping in.

She sought truth, and she received something else entirely.

It makes me terribly sad for her.
 
It is very true that many priests have been mistaught in the seminaries - however, this particular issue has been corrected/addressed time after time by the Magisterium. All priests know the truth of the matter, unless they do not know how to read, and unless they totally disregard the Popes and the Magisterium.

What concerns me is that the OP thinks that contraceptives would take care of the problem .It is now well-known (but not highly publicized) that contraceptives also fail.
That is why, with the huge increase of their use, there are more and more unwanted pregnancies and abortions. There are NFP methods that are just as effective as the
other, so why choose contraceptives?

That said, although it would be difficult, abstinence could draw a greater good out of a marriage. The spouses can prove the depth of their love by considering the true good of the other.

I agree with the respondent who said that you should (carefully) choose another priest
for clarification.
 
Are you going to believe an ordained Roman Catholic priest or are you going to believe someone about whom you know absolutely NOTHING posting anonymously on an internet forum?

Your situation is far too serious for the latter.
 
1ke said:
I did **not **call the priest a heretic, dissenter, or idiot.

I said he might have been poorly catechized or misunderstood. He’s clearly not ignorant, since he pointed her to HV. HV is not in any way ambiguous. Nor is the Catechism.

It makes my heart *ache *that the OP went to the priest for help, to be strengthened in the faith-- it seems in her heart she already knew the Church’s teaching and the right thing to do. Instead of finding strength through confirmation of the Church’s teaching, and counsel on how to embrace this, and encouragement in what may involve suffering and struggle that comes along with doing the right thing (and allowing it to be a vehicle of grace and sanctification), seeds of confusion have now been sown and doubt is creeping in.

She sought truth, and she received something else entirely.

It makes me terribly sad for her.
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Point taken, but you did say he was out of his mind, no? The unintended implication is not very charitable. 🤷
 
If only married couples understood that, using the pill in the course of one year, they may abort a fertilized egg one month or two. That is the action of the pill, is 1) to suppress ovulation and 2) if ovulation occurs, the uterine lining does not sustain the new person.

I hope every priest and every adult Catholic knows that and shares that among family and friends. There are many people who are not Catholic, and if they knew, would quite the pill immediately. That is the Duggar family’s story, did you know? They however did not adopt NFP, as far as I know.

If only we taught our teen age girls NFP so that they could understand their bodies better and be totally comfortable with it long before they are engaged. Familiarity grows trust.

I commend you for coming on this forum and asking. It would have been very easy for you to take that advice and quietly go on your way without questioning what was said.
 
Taking the pill while Nursing? Hmm sounds like the baby is taking the pill as well then. How much is passed on through breast milk? Tinkering with hormones is a recipe for disaster. For the mommy and the baby.
 
Maybe seek out another priest for clarification. It is so unfortunate when those who we are supposed to trust above all others are uninformed. I’m sorry.

As for the pill - this woman never said she was taking or wanted to take birth control pills - did she? There are dozens of modes of ABC.
 
To be honest, the priests advice can be correct. It just depends how you read it.

- Every couple needs to make a prayerful decision between themselves and God regarding this issue. There are some situations where the intent is to do no further harm to the mother’s body or the marriage or the family, and that birth control is not necessarily illicit in these circumstances.

I thought that the Church allowed the Pill as long as the intent was not to avoid pregnancy, but to avoid harming the mother, even if infertility was a result? I could be wrong, but I have seen that quoted many times on this forum.

-The Church does not recommend prolonged abstinence in a marriage because it’s unhealthy and will decay the marital bond. It is not natural for a husband and wife to live chastely and is total abstinence is not the answer to a desire to avoid pregnancy. If birth control interrupts the full union of husband and wife, so does abstinence. It is not an acceptable answer.

While the first part is wrong, given the OP’s circumstances. However, the second part to some degree is correct. Naturally, people want to have sex, restricting that is unnatural, that is what makes us different from animals, we have self control. I can imagine that the priest is correct that not having sex at all in a marriage can be detrimental to it. It just seems logical to me.

**-He told me to read Humane Vitae - that it does not explicitly forbid birth control in all circumstances. **

He is correct, I have seen people quote that it may be used if the intent is to protect the mother from a medical condition, even if infertility is a result.

-The Church was not put here to place undue burdens on those with a vocation to marriage and family. Living a Godly life should not require extreme sacrifice, hardship or misery. It is not a long, burdensome list of rules to abide by.

This depends on your view. The Church was made to save souls. Following its teachings can be a burden. However, at the same time we should follow them joyfully.

-Do not focus on God’s wrath - for that is reserved for people who actively reject God. Focus on his infinite mercy. He knows we are weak and flawed.

While this is true, you could always go back to confession, if something leads you to sin, common sense would say to avoid it as much as possible.

-Ultimately, you have to do what is best for your family.

Can anyone say that you should do whats worse for your family?

-The only thing in the Catholic faith that has zero exceptions to the rule is the seal of confession.

Most things do have exceptions, excluding ex cathedra statements of course.

-He told me to pray to Our Lady for guidance and peace.

As you should
 
It seems that your conscience (the OP) is troubling you over some of what the priest told you. There is a reason for that. You should continue to pray about it and seek God’s will in the matter. And that is all that I have to say.
 
kimbari said:
Are you going to believe an ordained Roman Catholic priest or are you going to believe someone about whom you know absolutely NOTHING posting anonymously on an internet forum?

Your situation is far too serious for the latter.
Click to expand...
In many cases, I would trust the internet poster.

Anyways, we internet posters often simply restate church teaching, one thing that this priest is not doing.
 
I would consider posing your concern and questions to the CAF staff. By virtue of the you’ve have posted your scenario here, it seems you are not completely happy with your parish priest’s answer. From my understanding of Human Vitae and the Catechism of the Catholic Church, I would share your concern.
 
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