I masturbated and looked at pornography again, said the Lord’s name in vain, and disrespected my parents just when I confessed two days ago. The priest I confessed to gave me his number to call because he was concerned, but I feel so embarrased speaking to him. I think he is or will get impatient with me. I’m not even sure if I can confess sincerely. At this moment, for instance, I can say I LIKED masturbating.
“Liking” sexual pleasure is normal and part of God’s plan. However, it is reserved for the marital act only, as I am sure you know. I like to eat, but if I do this constantly to the point of gluttony, I will not be using food or my need for sustenance in the proper way. You have twice said that “you looked at pornography” before indulging in this behavior. Regardless of the number of devotions you are practising (rosary, Hail Mary’s, etc), you will not succeed in your quest for purity if you continue to view such material. God will only help you if you cooperate with His grace. By viewing pornography, you are sending mixed signals. You want to remain pure, but you want to look at obscene images? You’ve set up an impossible situation for yourself by doing this. Get rid of the porn. It is poison for the soul.
This probably isn’t a good excuse, but everytime after I confess and feel renewed, I’m just reminded how miserable I am.
This doesn’t make sense to me. How can you feel “renewed” and miserable at the same time? If you believe in the cleansing power of Confession and absolution, you should be leaving the confessional feeling forgiven and reunited with the Lord. He has cleansed you. Why would you hang on to your misery?
Here’s my concerns: Now that I dropped out of college, I have a 0.231 GPA when I start college again next semester, and (I*'m probably repeating things from my previous posts*) I have nothing to occupy my time with except a few hours of work at Target a week.
As other posters have recommended, you should participate in Church groups. As far as I know, most Parishes have youth groups that engage in all kinds of activities, especially this time of year. If you do decide to go back to school, you might have access to a Newman center on campus, where you could meet other Catholics who are probably struggling with similar issues.
I also start dwelling on the fact that I have zero friends and never had a girlfriend.
It’s impossible to make friends or meet girls if you are not out in the world seeking them out. If anxiety is preventing you from doing this, go see a doctor. Tell you parents you need to make an appointment and if they “don’t understand”, make the appointment yourself. You did say you are 18, correct?
Though I’m only eighteen, is it wrong to want to fall in love? The gist of it is I’m lonely and if I could just die if not for the consequence of going to hell, and facing the unbelievable torment.
At your age, it might seem like everything is bleak. Trust me (and all the other geriatrics here!) that this feeling will absolutely, totally and completely pass. God wants to help you find friends that will support you and lift you up. But sometimes you must push yourself out of your comfort zone and go out to meet the opportunities God is preparing for you.
Lastly, again this prayer thing/Catholic faith doesn’t seem to be doing it for me. I mean I really try to focus. I pray VERY sincerely morning and night, and read scripture. I’m thinking right now I don’t want anything to do with God. I don’t understand Catholicism, and I can’t say I truly believe.
What exactly don’t you believe?
I’ve tried my parents, and I just can’t depend on them. They don’t understand.
What do you want them to understand?
My confessor also told me the quote “To whom much is given, much is expected in return” applies to me. But I I’m telling you and God I can’t do this. I don’t feel capable of giving back anything near to what God has given me.
Don’t stack your life up against what you’ve read about the Saints. That can often be overwhelming for someone of your age. Your focus should stay fixed on the issue that is causing you the most frustration: purity. Indulging in sinful behavior is going to block the grace you need. Once you remove that block, or at least move it out of the way, more grace can flow through you.
Now that I’ve written like this some will respond because they will get really concerned about my state of being, but I won’t be surprised if some think I’m hopeless and don’t bother responding because it is my choice to go to hell.
No one is hopeless and certainly not someone at the age of 18! Do you really mean to say that you are choosing to “go to hell”?
pureloveclub.com/
