What can I do to keep my mind off having sex with my wife?

[jwashu]

Take her out, romantic dinner, dancing - a funny movie. Date her. Make her FEEL smart and attractive.

This is good advice!

Let me add that from your post it sounds like your wife may have body image issues since she has gained weight while pregnant. That weight gain is natural! The baby NEEDS that weight, it’s not her “letting herself go” or anything (you say she is normally very fit). I would take the advice I quoted and tell her you have not only been doing some research (do some research on the net etc… first) but tell her about the dreams etc… Tell her that you long for her constantly and continually tell her how beautiful you think she is while pregnant. I know some women just can’t seems to believe this but you feel that way and you have 2 other posters saying they feel the exact same way. I believe it’s natural and you can take that from a Religious or Genetic standpoint. It’s best for the man to stick around even when he can’t create another child, making us super attracted to our wives during pregnancy just makes sense… I believe it’s part of God’s plan.

I will pray for you my brother but unlike some others I’m not suggesting all you do is pray or read the Bible because I believe God wants married couples to be together. He designed our bodies and hormones to help us relax and bond with one another during and after orgasm. These are the same neurochemicals released when a mother breastfeeds her child. That bonding is vitally important between a mother and child AND between a husband and wife.

A barrier is developing between you guys just at the time when you are going to need each other more than ever and are getting ready to experience the greatest joy - welcoming another soul into this world for you to love and who will be able to love and praise our Lord. Don’t let walls develop now by just ignoring the issue.

Sincerely,
Joe

 

[wolfgang]

spend most of your time in prayer. Dont watch tv or use the computer and read the Bible. By the way it is wrong to have sex in the Catholic Church. It may feel comftorable while you are doing it, but think about how uncomftorable it will be when your body is burning in hell.

And you found this where?

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

If I were talking to your wife, I’d say that feeling unattractive or even ugly is not a sufficient reason to withhold relations from your spouse. Period. You (the wife) just have to let that go - as long as your spouse is being loving to you.

Now, I’ve been in your wife’s position, only my fears weren’t about attractiveness. They were (somewhat unfounded) fears about the health of the baby. It can also be stressful worrying about the mechanics of relations with a differently shaped body. It is workable, but not always right away, so it is understandable that there could be some fear there. I’d be more understanding of these worries than the attractiveness thing.

What you can do about it? Well chances are, telling your wife what I said up top isn’t going to make her more willing, so I guess you should do as others have suggested and try to romance her. The problem, is - if she doesn’t want to do it, being romanced mught just feel like pressure. For example, if I’ve told my dh that this isn’t a good night for me for xyz reasons, and he still tries to woo me, then I’m going to feel like he doesn’t respect me. So first, you may need to have a heart to heart about her fears and your needs. Not that you couldn’t survive without relations for 10 months, but it shouldn’t be something she takes lightly, and you both should see if there’s a way you can find a compromise.

 

[jstew]

My wife and I have been married for a few years. Before the birth of our duaghter we had a pretty healthy sex life. She went in to pre mature ovarian failure after her birth and now she has NO sex drive!!! I feel selfish, but this has put a huge stress on our relationship. Physical touch is a big thing for me and the lack of it is very stressful. What can I do to put this energy to a good use!!!

 

[mkipp]

Thank you for all the great suggestions. My fear is falling to masterbation, but discussing that with my wife seems like an uncomfortable conversation. At this point I don’t even know how to bring up the topic. She has stated that she could “take care of me in other ways” but that is against the Church.

 

[Holyfire]

i am sorry if I was not able to clarrify myself. It is ok to have sex as long as you dont use birth control. sorry.

 

[Catholic90]

i am sorry if I was not able to clarrify myself. It is ok to have sex as long as you dont use birth control. sorry.

Well, uh, his wife is already pregnant, so I think it safe to assume ABC is not an issue.

You do know that NFP is a type of birth control that IS allowed, right.

It is just the ARTIFICIAL BC that is disallowed.

 

[ChristinaM]

Thank you for all the great suggestions. My fear is falling to masterbation, but discussing that with my wife seems like an uncomfortable conversation. At this point I don’t even know how to bring up the topic. She has stated that she could “take care of me in other ways” but that is against the Church.

If my husband told me that he was being tempted to masturbate because we hadn’t had sex in too long…you can bet that would be a wake-up call for me. After all, my job is to help him get to heaven. If I found out that my behavior was causing him to fall into sin, that would be a huge motivation to change that behavior.

Make sure you help your wife to understand that it is not about her “taking care of you” but about your mutual enjoyment and intimacy.

 

[kage_ar]

One thing, for some women, intercourse during the later stages of pregnancy IS painful. I was one of those women, while the drive was there, it was far to uncomfortable.

 

[queen_anne78]

you’ve gotten some good advice, but I think rather than just telling your wife, “I think you’re beautiful” you should be more specific.

ie. “I love the way your skin is glowing” or “Your hair is so thick and shiny” or whatever it is SPECIFICALLY about her you find so attractive. Any time you praise someone, it’s better to describe what it is you like rather than a blanket, “You look good.” “You are beautiful” Just my .02

If you tell her, “Your skin is just glowing, I love it!” She can’t really respond with, “No, I’m fat.”

 

[mkipp]

I hate to ask this question, but I will. Is oral sex okay between married people, if sexual intercourse is not possible? Or should we stay chaste? I think that it is not allowed. But, wanted to make sure. Also, I appreciate all your advice. I do want to say that I love my wife and she is great. I just feel bad for having sexual thoughts. It is just so tough to discuss without seeming like a oversexed minded husband. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Island_Oak]

Thank you for all the great suggestions. My fear is falling to masterbation, but discussing that with my wife seems like an uncomfortable conversation. At this point I don’t even know how to bring up the topic. She has stated that she could “take care of me in other ways” but that is against the Church.

I hate to ask this question, but I will. Is oral sex okay between married people, if sexual intercourse is not possible? Or should we stay chaste? I think that it is not allowed. But, wanted to make sure. Also, I appreciate all your advice. I do want to say that I love my wife and she is great. I just feel bad for having sexual thoughts. It is just so tough to discuss without seeming like a oversexed minded husband. I hope this makes sense.

You seem to have missed the points made?!? No one faulted you–and in fact most agreed–it’s appropriate to have sexual desire for w/your wife. Why can’t you discuss this w/her? The answer was NOT to stay chaste, but to find a solution that is comfortable for both of you. If that necessitated her OB’s help to assure her she’s not endangering the pregnancy~do it. If it’s extra reassurance~do that. But sitting on the sidelines for months was not the recommendation…

 

[wanner47]

I hate to ask this question, but I will. Is oral sex okay between married people, if sexual intercourse is not possible? Or should we stay chaste? I think that it is not allowed. But, wanted to make sure. Also, I appreciate all your advice. I do want to say that I love my wife and she is great. I just feel bad for having sexual thoughts. It is just so tough to discuss without seeming like a oversexed minded husband. I hope this makes sense.

Nope, oral sex is not allowed unless it’s in the context of a completed act of intercourse. I’d recommend the book Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West to you.

You seem to be doing most of the right things already (helping out, telling her she’s beautiful, etc.)

Here’s my advice: Go with your wife to her next doctor’s appointment, and express your concerns about sexual activity during pregnancy to the doctor. That is what s/he is there for. Hopefully s/he can reassure your wife that sexual intercourse during pregnancy is just fine most of the time.

Sorry if this is TMI, but my husband and I came to a compromise while I was pregnant. Since I had zero interest, I allowed him to have a “quickie,” and then he had to give me a back rub afterwards. That way we were BOTH happy.

Good luck to you.

 

[just_me_1]

So far so good. Yo tell her you think she’s beautiful. Check.

She says “no I’m not, I’m fat.” STOP her right there! Be a little angry if necessary to get her attention.

Fat is what happens when you eat too much and don’t excercise enough. It’s a symptom of unhealthy lifestyle. Pregnancy is NOT fat and is NOT a symptom of ANYTHING unhealthy! God designed the female body with the amazing gift of nurturing tiny new life until it is ready to live in the open world. That is something unspeakably beautiful and you should tell her she is NEVER to compare pregnancy to being FAT ever again.

It is nothign but sick “Cosmo” American body image crapola talking to describe pregnancy as being fat. You get the idea. Refuse to be intimidated by her negative body images (and make SURE you haven’t given the devil any sort of similar foothold in your own thinking). She ain’t a sex machine, she’s your WIFE and she’s never been more wifely than she is right now (presuming this is the first kid, of course).

And feel free to humuliate yourself a little bit with obvious pathetic desperation. Wives dig just a LITTLE bit of that from time to time. Oops! TMI…

Let me say I am 39 weeks along. I have gained a ton of weight since I became pregnant. and most of it not anywhere near my belly. ??? lol. I feel like the wife here, fat. mine is alot of water weight, but my hands and feet and legs swell up to the point DH has to help me shove my boots on for work. I feel completely fat and unattractive and gross. in fact since I was 6-7 months along, I have not felt any sexual desire at all. I was worried about the baby, because you aren’t as um… lubricated… down there… and it literally hurts! I had a mental block too that once I started to dialate, DH would reach “too far” and hurt the baby. I know it’s stupid, but we preggy women aren’t always the most rational critters!

then there’s our friends who have gained 20 pounds and look cute in all the tight preggy shirts like in the magazines and then we really feel like “the blob.” I was never skinny, but very athletic and fit. Now I have my bigger muscled/boned body covered in water and flab and I have outgrown more clothes that I care to think about! I am obcessed with having this baby so I can work out (something I’ve never done, my job is pretty physical) and diet (again, YUCK!!!)… DH thinks I’m nuts, like you he is very supportive and tells me he’s attracted to me and all that… I can’t get it through my thick head though. it’s hard to watch a scale leap every week and be powerless to stop it! women at best are self conscious, add to that a buttload of extra hormones, a few buckets of water under her skin, and clothes that keep mysteriously shrinking, and it’s a recipe for a bit of depression, I think.

so IMHO, I would skip buttering her up and that, it won’t help, she has a mental block against sex at the moment, it’s not gonna happen unless you get through it. Try to show her you understand her fears and insecurities and you find her new linebacker qualities attractive (don’t use those words, LOL!). She needs to know your attraction is deeper than her looks. continue to be sweet, helpful, and supportive, it doesn’t go unnoticed, I promise. it makes us feel a touch guilty which does help us want to um… return the favor.

Also understand with some women (me) the sex drive is GONE after the 2nd trimester. I break down every couple weeks to keep him from going down any roads that would lead to sin, but to be honest, it’s hard to enjoy it with a baby stuffed in your ribcage, and feeling like the michelin man… it feels forced and unnatural, but I do my best not to let him see that…

ok so I guess good luck and remember, it won’t last forever. just keep being sweet and for goodness sake don’t even aknowledge another woman around her. the pregnancy hormones contain some kind of jealousy instinct, I think, I have become super (needlessly) paranoid if DH even stands in a checkout lane with a nice looking clerk at the store! LOL! I can’t wait to have my body (and mind!) back, I’m sure your wife is feeling similarly!!

God bless you both, you’ll get through this!

 

[just_me_1]

I hate to ask this question, but I will. Is oral sex okay between married people, if sexual intercourse is not possible? Or should we stay chaste? I think that it is not allowed. But, wanted to make sure. Also, I appreciate all your advice. I do want to say that I love my wife and she is great. I just feel bad for having sexual thoughts. It is just so tough to discuss without seeming like a oversexed minded husband. I hope this makes sense.

this has bugged us too. I mean, you’re already pregnant, it’s not like you can get MORE pregnant if you have intercourse again…seems like the ideal time to try such things!

but we know it’s technically wrong and avoid it as well. sigh…

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

…discussing that with my wife seems like an uncomfortable conversation.

You really need to have the conversation anyway. That’s the thing with intimacy - it is about revealing yourself, allowing your spouse to see you vulnerable, being willing to talk about those uncomfortable things in a safe way.

Here’s a conversation starter. “um…honey…I’m not sure how to bring this up, but…I’ve really been missing you and wonder if you’re just not in the mood lately, or if there’s another reason…” Just start there and see if you can find out her reason. Then just tell her the truth - you have fallen into sin and you know it’s not her fault, but you REALLY miss her and wish you could still express your love/desire for her in a way that is moral and kind to her. Not as frequently as before, but maybe just a little - a compromise? Ask, "Is there anything I can do to help put you in the mood?

 

[tyuf]

trade9shoes.com

 

[rayne89]

You need to be able to talk to your wife. This is your wife, you should be able to talk about sex. This is the one person in the world you should absolutely be able to communicate about sexual intimacy.

My sexual desire increased while I was pregnant but dropped off like a ton of bricks after our daughter was born. I was tired and breast feeding and anymore touching just seemed overwhelming but I sucked it up because marriage is about two people, not one. It wasn’t all about me anymore.

Have you been married long? I also recommend Christopher West and possibly the two of you talking to your priest if you don’t make anyway headway. Keeping away from each other intimately is not healthy for marriage. Instead of avoiding the conversation and trying not to think about it, this needs to be addressed head on.

Honestly if we didn’t have sex every time I felt fat we wouldn’t be having any. I feel more fat now than I ever did while I was pregnant (that’s probably because I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant ).

 

[BabyDoll4]

Very good post Rayne. I agree, you must be able to talk to you wife. Communication about any issue is key in maintaining a healthy relationship. I am 32 wks pregnant with our fourth and sex during pregnancy has always been very low on my to do list. However I know with out a doubt that if I refuse my husband, he will and has turned to masturbation. Pregnant or not, I am still his wife and must be with him as his wife.