What can I do to turn this ship around?

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@MariaRita5
Socrates92 said:
One of my coping mechanisms is to attempt to treat every single temptation (whether intrusive or otherwise) as a reminder to resort to prayer. The specific moments that I feel particularly week are the specific moments when I need to make a special effort of the will to reject the evil. Show the Enemy that there will be a one-for-one retaliation for every temptation. Doubly so if you happen to fall. If he steps up the intensity of the temptation, you intentionally step up the intensity of your prayer. If all you can manage is vocal prayer such as saying a Hail Mary or St. Michael prayer over and over, then so be it. Make it clear that you will treat every temptation as a reminder to strive for holiness,
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I had a similar situation, and each time unwanted thoughts came into my mind (and yours sound very unwanted!), I prayed an Our Father, a Hail Mary, and a St Michael the Archangel prayer over and over till the thoughts went way. Gradually, they reduced in frequency. They did come back from time to time in different “disguises,” so I had to learn to recognize what was happening.

The Rules of Discernment (mentioned above) also helped me a lot by clarifying how the inimical spirits (whatever their source) work.

ETA: Link to podcasts explaining the rules of discernment
 
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Your description sure sounds like OCD, whether you believe it or not. It really does. Having incredibly upsetting thoughts involuntarily is a major symptom.

It could be “pure O” OCD, meaning you have no external compulsions, but have the traumatic thoughts that cause grief. Your description sure makes them seem like obsessive, intrusive thoughts.
 
Here is a quote from a book which helped me:

5. The more persistent the temptation, the clearer it is that you have not given consent to it. “It is a good sign,” says St. Francis de Sales, “when the tempter makes so much noise and commotion outside of the will, for it shows that he is not within.” An enemy does not besiege a fortress that is already in his power, and the more obstinate the attack, the more certain We may be that our resistance continues.

6. Your fears lead you to believe you are defeated at the very moment you are gaining the victory. This comes from the fact that you confound feeling with consent, and, mistaking a passive condition of the imagination for an act of the will, you consider that you have yielded to the temptation because you felt it keenly.

Peace and Light by Father Quadrupani. Chapter 2, paragraphs 5 and 6.
 
MariaRita5 said:
Can temptations come from yourself?
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No. Temptations are from the evil one. Thoughts originate from either are own minds, from God or from the evil one.
I am wondering if you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder?
You admit to willing some of these thoughts, and others are largely from a habit you formed in the past especially regarding looking down on others.
All I can suggest to you is:-
  1. to continue going to confession,
  2. go to Communion when you are in a state of grace,
  3. ask God to direct you to the right spiritual director/priest at your parish (if there is more than one priest) and stick with him and obey his guidance,
  4. ask Mary to shelter you from these thoughts,
  5. ask Mary to intercede with Jesus for you to help you overcome this habit
  6. ask God to give you the grace to persevere through this trial, to strengthen your will against consenting to this thoughts.
  7. as soon as these thoughts appear or you recognize that you are doing the same thing/thinking the same thing, then pray for that person - thereby turning what is/may be was sinful into a blessing for the other person.
    And keep doing the above regardless of how long it takes. You need to establish a new habit of thought. And the way to do this is each time a negative thought comes to you about another - pray to God for that person. If it’s blasphemous, then make acts of faith, hope and love and an act of contrition.
MariaRita5 said:
And if you have really horrible mental habits that you’re trying to break is it venial sin or mortal sin?
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Only you know the answer to this - did you deliberately and willfull think these thoughts perhaps thinking who cares? I don’t care anymore? type of attitude. This is also where a regular confessor can help you by helping you understand what’s happening and whether some occassion is mortal or venial.
Some years ago I had a bad habit of saying “oh my g_d” - in speech, writing and thoughts. I confessed each time - weekly usually and firmly asked God to give me the grace to have better control over my thoughts. It did take time and real effort on my part.
MariaRita5 said:
I’m constantly stuck in my head.
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I can relate. It’s terrible, but use your will to co-operate with Gods grace and persevere as it is Satan who wants you to be discouraged and give up. Don’t let him win.
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MariaRita5 said:
When I pray, my prayers feel horribly dry, and I feel so alone, like I’m talking to myself. I know God is always present, but I have no idea how to practice His presence because I’m so stuck in these thoughts.
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Don’t go on your feelings. This dryness is a trial so use your will and make the choice for what God wants and to keep praying. God knows the difficulty you are going through and by picking up this cross, you gain merit in heaven. Lift your heart and head up to God - even if you mentally imagine God in heaven up somewhere above you (until this gets easier anyway), and focus on imagining Him there. Then your focus is not on your thoughts but on Him.

Talk to God as though he is in the room with you (He is) like if your best friend is sitting across the table or walking down the street etc and talk to Him as you would anyone be it family or friend.
It is hard, but persevere. Know that God *loves *YOU!
 
Stick with your medical doctors and counselor! Spiritual practices are not a substitute for medicine. And your well being starts with being well.
You say you were hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. That requires MEDICAL ATTENTION and is not cured by piety.

See your doctor. We all need them and it is a simple and practical thing to do. Please enlist those who can help you.
Prayers for you.
 
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Thank you everyone for your suggestions and your prayers, I really appreciate this. I’ve been dealing with this nightmare since Christmas, and I’ve been struggling with feelings of resignation and the temptation to just give up. Your encouragement and advice is truly appreciated.
 
Hello MariaRita5, may I ask you to tell us a story or two of someone or something you Love? You can tell us about your love of Christ and Our Lady to if you wish. It would be good to see a story or two about what you Love. Hope to hear from you about that.
 
Is there another saint besides Mary towards whom you don’t have these intrusive thoughts? A martyr maybe? They suffered, hardly anyone can get bitter at them I think. Research other saints and if you find one pray to them for help.
Communion of saints means any saint is one with God and can help you.
Life is a struggle towards God. Enjoy the rest of your life that isn’t challenged now like I dunno, you aren’t starving or having major health problems right? Food you like, going for a walk, small talk.
Your family is not against your faith which is a blessing. Enjoy that and forget the moments when you fail.
I pray for you.
May God bless and take you out of your predicament.
 
I came into the faith about a year ago now. My conversion happened over a long and painful breakup during my last (and hardest) year at college. My ex and I had an intense relationship for nearly four years. We lived together and almost got married. He’s the one who actually suggested I look at the Catholic Church. I did, and I fell in love with Mary and Jesus. They kept me grounded while my old world, the only one I had known for four years, disintegrated. I would go to Adoration late at night and just cry before the Blessed Sacrament, and I felt that Jesus was there comforting me through everything. He became my world. I wrote Him poetry. I sang to Our Lady the Ave Maria all the time. When I had my first (and hopefully last) manic-psychotic episode, I’m convinced it was Our Lady’s prayers that got me out. I consecrated myself to her in September on the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows, and I prayed her Rosary every day. They’ve answered my prayers about my mother and father. My mother just converted this Easter, and my father came back after 34 years. Even though I don’t feel it all the time, I still know in my heart that Jesus and Mary mean everything to me because they saved me from so much and have done so much for me.
 
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I’ve been asking my patron saint, Saint Rita of Cascia, for prayers, and St. Therese of Lisieux because I read her story and was inspired by her love for Jesus. Plus she had to battle her mind too, so she knows what I’m going through. I want to rekindle my devotion to St. Rita because she answered my prayers regarding my ex. I told her when I first came into the faith that if she could get my ex to come to the Catholic Church (and he was a hard case) I would be her devotee. And she did.
 
Thankyou MariaRita5 for sharing with us the conversion of your parents and ex. There’s all the proof you need and thanks be to God for your prayers being answered.
As a new Catholic, or even as a revert to the Faith God sometimes sends us these consolations as a way of strengthening our Faith and hope and love for Him. But after a time He can with hold these favours as He is then trying to stretch us and help us grow. A little like a parent in teaching their child to walk, goes from holding both hands to one hand only, and then encourages their child to take a few small steps on their own whilst all the time being close to catch them if they fall.

I strongly suggest you see a medical professional for your mental health issues as well as pious practices.
The devil will go all out to try to undermine your Faith in God, try to instill discouragement in you in the hope you will give up and turn away - then he’s got what he wants - he has snatched a soul away from God. Satan will also make use of any health problems if they can be used as a tool against you to weaken your Faith - all with the same end.

So cling to God!

Mental Health problems can also just be another issue you have to combat in addition to these spiritual battles. So please see your doctor about this - God has inspired people to become doctors in order to help us. So take up this opportunity to get well mentally which will then allow you to have more strength to combat the spiritual battle we all go through.
God bless you.
 
I have struggled with blashemous thoughts toward God. Feeling and thinking like I hate him and cursing towards him. It is disturbing. And it’s disturbing. Sometimes I wonder if I really mean it. Sometimes it is more out of habit or just frustration and I don’t think I mean it, but I wonder if it still constitutes blashemous and if it is grave. I would say that if it is out of habit your culpability is probably diminished although you do have to try to break the habit. Maybe try to counter the thoughts when they come up. Try to humble yourself and throw yourself into God’s arms begging for forgive was and help. And just pour your heart out to him. It seems like you are suffering interiorly
 
I’m sure God loves you and he isn’t so much as angry as he is sad. He wants you for himself. He wants you as you are with all your sins and brokeness and numbness. He thirsts for you. He wants to hold you and love you.
You might find consolation reading and praying with this. It is written by the Missionaries of Charity Father’s.

 
What were the qualifications of the counsellor who decided you did not have OCD?
 
He’s a Catholic priest with a PhD. in psychology. We came to the conclusion that I may have some tendencies that are similar to OCD, but the level of anxiety is just not there. I don’t have rituals that I perform for long periods each day, and I don’t fear my thoughts to the point of physical symptoms of anxiety. Most days the thoughts are more just frustrating or annoying. I’m trying to break out of the cycles of particular sets of thoughts that have become associated together because I tried so hard to suppress the bad thoughts with good thoughts instead of just letting them pass out of my mind (major mistake, it made them stick around). Now whenever I try to have those good thoughts meant to replace the bad ones, it just brings them up. I also need to get out of the habit of repeating myself in my head over and over in an attempt to keep bad thoughts from coming up in my memory or from wherever else. It just makes me feel like a broken computer, and I think it really has messed with how my brain works.
 
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Is he a clinical physiologist? Because that is who you should talk to, or a psychiatrist. Dr Google can be a less-than-useful guide, but you might try looking up ‘pure-O OCD’ and the difference in distress between OC personality disorder and OCD. I am absolutely not an expert in diagnosis and treatment but given the experiences you are having wonder why your counsellor has not referred you on to someone able to suggest medication or other interventions. I am not a believer but I think it is a god thing that symptoms such as these are more readily discussed in a religious environment than in secular society. Well done on asking for help.
 
I do see a psychiatrist who initially diagnosed me as having OCD, but I’m planning to go over the diagnosis with him again because I don’t have the compulsions that I think those with OCD have. As I said in my original post, I had slept in rather than going to confession despite knowing that I really needed to go, which is a bad habit I’m trying to break. Confessions are early, 7:30 am, but not so early that I can’t exercise my willpower and get up to go. A person with scrupulosity OCD would, I think, be so fearful that they wouldn’t dare miss confession.
 
Going back to the psychiatrist is a good idea. The existence of ‘pure-O’ OCD, without compulsions, or variants of this from none to a lot of compulsions is described in a lot of modern literature. As I said I am not an expert and not presuming to give medical advice.
 
During a tough period I went through where I was struggling, I read a book written by St. Francis de Sales and its called Roses Among Thorns: Simple Advice for Renewing Your Spiritual Journey. It was of great benefit to myself.
 
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