What could this mean?

[Monica4316]

What place do feelings have in our faith?

This is kind of a random question that I’ve been thinking about…

it used to be that whenever I thought of Jesus, I’d feel love for HIm and I wanted to be near Him… I didn’t always feel close to God, I went through some trials, but I always knew I loved Him and wanted to live for Him. Then when I made my Total Consecration to Mary, so many things about Our Lady made sense and I felt close to her too.

Now, - I know that in my will, I want to love God especially - to love Him in truth, in my decisions, my actions… but I’m having such difficulty feeling love for Him, or seeing Jesus as my Best Friend, or loving the Eucharist… or Our Lady… i just dont feel anything at all. And I’m afraid that my heart has become hardened towards God and I’m not speaking about feelings here, but I’m always afraid that either He hasn’t forgiven me of sin or that I can’t be free of sin or that I’m not seeing my sins clearly and am not repentant enough. The last one especially has been on my mind today. I seem to have trouble accepting God’s mercy… even though I know that I really need His grace and feel very weak on my own. Lately, I’ve been trying to overcome many temptations but have failed a lot… and I’m afraid this changed my relationship with God, and I don’t know how to get back.

I’m wondering, - does simply wanting to love God in your will mean that you are going the right way? what if you want this but with no feeling whatsoever? I know we shouldn’t rely on feelings… I just feel so disconnected from God, it’s like I don’t know who He is anymore I constantly feel that I’m offending Him and that He is angry with me…and I get discouraged. I really miss the relationship I had with Him before.

thanks!! God bless

 

[Dorothy]

The desire to love God is a commitment to love him. When the Lord first wants to draw us to himself and into a life of prayer he gives us many good “feelings” - or “consolations”.

When he wants us to start growing in faith and maturing in spirituality he withdraws the good “feelings” and allows us to feel nothing. That is a test of our faith, and we can make acts of faith in His goodness and presence in our lives in spite of having no feelings.

Now, if you were neglecting prayer or your devotedness to what Holy Mother Church teaches, then you can be sure that it was your fault.

It sounds to me like you are not neglecting Him. You can express your love and longing for His Presence, but also accept the fact that he is testing your faith right now. Keep thanking and blessing Him for doing His Will in you.

 

[Lief_Erikson]

Dear Monica, the fact that you are longing to have that experience back shows how much you are missing your Divine Lover. You would not be missing Him if you did not love Him. I mean, think about it. You only miss the company of people you care deeply about. Feeling pain because of Christ’s seeming absence is a natural loving response to the experience of spiritual growth He has given you.

Remember that this entire time of trial began with a strong experience of His love in the Eucharist. That is the framework upon which this whole experience is built. The love of God in the Eucharist, drawing you into deeper union with Himself.

 

[glenconnor]

Think of the way He carried the cross. He fell and got back up despite the pain and made it to the top of the hill out of love for us. I had a similar question for my priest and he agreed with me that making the effort even when it seems like He is distant from us merits its own special grace. It’s easy to be devoted to Him when He is vivid for us, it is harder to keep going when we feel removed from Him. Just keep praying, keep doing your rosary and put your trust in Him.

Glory to God in the highest!

 

[Jerok]

Our RCIA teacher explained prayer in this way - at first God grants you consolation and warm feelings - you are excited and pray every day! Then God removes those feelings as a test of perseverance - you may not be feeling up to it, but you pray every day nonetheless, or you fail and think that since you don’t ‘feel’ good about praying, you’re just stop until you feel good.

She also told us that if she only said “I love you” to her husband when she felt like it, their marriage would be much worse off. In fact it’s when you don’t feel like saying I love you is when it means the most to them.

So keep persevering!

God bless

 

[John_Russell_Jr]

Dear Monica

Can I tell you a story. I know an elederly couple. The husband is an alcoholic and the wife your typical great wife. The alcoholic husband was always compaining to his wife how she never does things the way he likes or wants it. No matter what she did it was always no good. I’m talking about many decades here. One day the wife spoke up and set him straight. She said I’ve always been the same since I’ve known you and never changed. The problem is you keep changing. He was on and off the bottle with the usual alcoholic insanity.

It’s the same with God and us. God never changes. He is immutable. We are constantly changing though. God is just infinite Love and that’s it. Just because we change does not mean God does. He never does.

I hope this helps.

God bless you dear friend and pray for me please:thumbsup:

John

 

[Monica4316]

Thank you everyone

this morning, I noticed something… all day yesterday, and today, I’ve had the resolution to avoid sin in order to love God better…to love Him in truth ,and in my actions/decisions. Whenever I was tempted with something, (like how the enemy tempts me with blasphemous thoughts) - I remembered that and it helped. But several times, the thought still went through my mind - I didn’t want it so I guess I didn’t give deliberate consent to it?? but it still happened, and I let it happen, through weakness. And what I realized is that having this thought repeat in my mind affects my feelings towards God and makes me feel anger/hatred towards Him and towards the Holy Spirit however, I definitely don’t want to feel this way and I’m praying about it, and when I pray for a while I seem to remember who God is and love Him again.

would you say that I’ve committed a mortal sin ? I really need to figure this out for tonight cause I’m going to the Chrism Mass. I really want to get right with God again…but would I need Confession?

 

[John_Russell_Jr]

Thank you everyone

this morning, I noticed something… all day yesterday, and today, I’ve had the resolution to avoid sin in order to love God better…to love Him in truth ,and in my actions/decisions. Whenever I was tempted with something, (like how the enemy tempts me with blasphemous thoughts) - I remembered that and it helped. But several times, the thought still went through my mind - I didn’t want it so I guess I didn’t give deliberate consent to it?? but it still happened, and I let it happen, through weakness. And what I realized is that having this thought repeat in my mind affects my feelings towards God and makes me feel anger/hatred towards Him and towards the Holy Spirit however, I definitely don’t want to feel this way and I’m praying about it, and when I pray for a while I seem to remember who God is and love Him again.

would you say that I’ve committed a mortal sin ? I really need to figure this out for tonight cause I’m going to the Chrism Mass. I really want to get right with God again…but would I need Confession?

Dear Monica

I don’t think you’ve sinned. I hope you enjoy the chrism mass.

God bless you and remember me at mass if you could. The enemy messes with me sometimes too:thumbsup:

John

 

[Monica4316]

thank you I’m going to pray more about this…

I just thought of something. During all this time, I wasn’t really trying to come closer to God but was just trying to keep out the temptations by reminding myself that I want to be faithful to Him. But this was an entirely mental/intellectual effort. Maybe since I wasn’t thinking about feeling love for God, that’s why the feelings went away… not that it matters… I think it’s more important to love God in our will and to not offend Him in any way. But I’ve noticed when I try to stay close to God, I can feel His presence more, it’s like I open myself up to Him.

God bless

 

[Monica4316]

well my constant prayer right now is “Lord help me to love You and worship You in Spirit and in truth, by Your grace”. It’s a struggle and I don’t know why… loving God used to be so much easier. I just hope I won’t mess up till Chrism Mass. I’m very weak.

 

[Lief_Erikson]

You are not giving full consent to any of these thoughts. When they pass through your brain and you allow it out of weakness, this is not full consent. These are not mortal sins. I hope you enjoy the Mass today and partake of the Eucharist.

 

[Monica4316]

that makes sense Lief

I still feel unable to find the relationship with God that I had before… He was so real to me before. Now, I feel this emptiness inside and like He’s not answering me when I pray… like there’s a great distance between me and God. I know we go through different times in our faith and this shouldn’t worry me as much as it does… but whenever I think that my sins were not mortal, I start fearing that I am rejecting His call to repentance and so am distancing myself from Him even more (and then getting those feelings of being really distant). Perhaps a lot of this is coming from distrust. It’s very hard to love God when we don’t trust Him! I can see this is a big problem for me right now. I feel afraid to trust because I’m afraid of being deceived. That’s clearly wrong so I’m going to work on that.

 

[Lief_Erikson]

I feel afraid to trust because I’m afraid of being deceived. That’s clearly wrong so I’m going to work on that.

Good idea! Just stick with the Church’s wisdom and follow it, and your path will be well lit. Also, do you have a spiritual director yet?

I still feel unable to find the relationship with God that I had before… He was so real to me before. Now, I feel this emptiness inside and like He’s not answering me when I pray… like there’s a great distance between me and God. I know we go through different times in our faith and this shouldn’t worry me as much as it does… but whenever I think that my sins were not mortal, I start fearing that I am rejecting His call to repentance and so am distancing myself from Him even more (and then getting those feelings of being really distant).

Acknowledging the truth is not resisting genuine repentance. Just read Job’s protestations of innocence. He too felt very far from God, yet he knew he was not being punished for sin and he held to that truth no matter how much his accusers tried to convince him otherwise. You and I are indeed weak and sinful, and we should indeed repent of what wrong we fall into out of weakness, but that does not make our sins mortal. I’m succumbing to sin also, sins of laziness by not job searching as fervently as I believe I should, and I know that I too am sinning out of weakness. But I don’t give full consent to my laziness and I am indeed trying to fight it and change. God is patient with me and He is patient with you.

Perhaps a lot of this is coming from distrust. It’s very hard to love God when we don’t trust Him! I can see this is a big problem for me right now.

Here’s something that might help you. Try not to think of this as a problem you’re having “right now.” It’s a fault that you already had, back when your relationship with God was in its first flush and He was covering you with consolations. It’s just that when God withdraws the consolations and puts you to the test in order to train you and improve you that suddenly your faults start standing out.

It’s the same with me right now. Back when I was at university, I had my work all laid out before me and I had deadlines, and I knew what I was supposed to do and how to do it. I worked with discipline and accomplished all my responsibilities. Consequently, my laziness and fear of the unknown are flaws in my spiritual life that were concealed at the time. However, after university I suddenly had to face the unknown, do things like job search that I hadn’t done before and disciplining myself when there wasn’t any deadline and clear method of how to accomplish my work. Consequently, laziness and failing under discomfort and fear swam back to the surface in my life again and I have to fight them head on.

This is all the Lord’s way of blessing us. He peals back our coverings so that our failings are exposed, so that over time, His timetable, He can correct them and make of us more perfect and pleasing creatures. I’m not suddenly a greater sinner now than I was before, even though I see myself sinning more often. The faults that currently are on the surface were earlier simply more buried. I wasn’t stronger and closer to God in the past – I was just less tested. God tests us to improve our characters, to make us more reliant on Him. That is what He is doing for you. You aren’t a worse Christian now than you used to be. You’re probably a better Christian now than you were before this trial began, even though I know it doesn’t feel that way (and I feel horrible about my sins). Your faults were simply covered up earlier and consequently you didn’t have to face them and see your sins. Now your faults are more exposed because of God’s Mercy, for He is working in you to purify you and wipe your sins away, teaching you to live in His strength.

All of what you and I are going through are nurturing gifts from God and should be received as such. We should thank Him if we can and offer Him these sufferings in union with His Cross, even though the sufferings are often the result of our own sinfulness. He still accepts them, for we are suffering for our sins because of our love for Him, and if we didn’t care about Him, we wouldn’t mind sinning. Consequently even sufferings like these are deeply valuable in God’s sight; they show Him how we love and desire Him.

 

[Monica4316]

Lief, that really helps, thank you!! I dont think any of this would have happened if God didn’t allow it for some reason…I guess my job here is to accept His will, trust that His reason is a good reason, and thank Him for the trial. I still feel very afraid about my culpability and that I’m not being repentant enough etc, and other times I feel the opposite, I feel so much anguish over what I’ve done that I become distrustful of God’s mercy. I think maybe it’s time to just surrender it all to Him, because I no longer understand anything that is happening in my soul.

God bless

 

[Monica4316]

Okay something very strange is happening to me… I’m going to talk to a priest about this tomorrow. I feel like I need to put it in writing to figure out how to say it…

I noticed that whenever I give in to those blasphemous thoughts, my heart seems to get hardened towards God and I feel less and less love for Him. This evening I saw that I feel this emptiness and numbness in me, and whenever I got the thoughts, it would just get worse and worse. I felt that i couldn’t even repent, I didn’t feel contrition… However my will and my faith remained unchanged.

I began praying really hard that God would open me up to Him… I felt that I didn’t even know who He is anymore, and this hurt a lot because I used to feel so strongly that He’s my best friend and that He is near. I felt unable to love Him, and like He is really, really far away. Eventually I decided to forget about feelings and offered to Him all the love that my heart is capable of giving, simply through my will. Instantly, I knew that He received it and I felt His presence again, very strongly. At first, I was really happy, but then something happened… in the past, whenever I felt God’s presence, I’d always feel love for Him, and joy, and peace… now, - although I wanted to love Him in my will, everything in me was against Him. I read how in Eastern Christianity, they believe that God’s love is experienced in hell as pain…the very thing that brings joy to the souls in Heaven, brings torment to souls in hell. And I felt so strongly that if I were to die, and find myself before God, I would be in the same situation… I almost felt that I already was there. I felt His presence, but my heart reacted to this with feelings of anger, hatred, fear, pain, etc, - nothing like what I expected… I felt that I have blocked myself from His love for all eternity. At the same time, I began to be tempted with blasphemous thoughts again.

The strange thing is that in my will it was the opposite.* It’s like in my heart, in my feelings, I was rejecting His love (at the same time I experienced it again) but in my will I was accepting it and wanted to accept it more.* I was trying really really hard to love Him. I begged Him to take away whatever is blocking me from Him… to change my heart… but it didn’t happen. This means that… either He doesn’t want to, and is leaving me in this horrible condition for all eternity, - or, this is a trial… what supports the second option is that my will wasn’t opposed to God, and isn’t it true that the souls who go to hell go there through an action of the will; not something they wish to change but can’t?

I just don’t understand… I prayed so much that Jesus in His compassion would heal me and allow me to come to Him again, and take away whatever is blocking me from Him… I was praying that He would remove the effects of all those blasphemous thoughts… and He did not. Either this is all an illusion, a trial; or - I really am incapable of loving God. If it is so, I don’t understand why my faith and my will is different though! can a person’s heart be so hardened towards God that not even their will can change that?

Now, I feel this horrible (spiritual and physical) pain inside…

maybe the Sacraments could change all this?

do you have any ideas? please say a prayer for me this has been going on for weeks…

I am still trusting in His mercy and goodness, I’m just afraid that I got myself into a place from which I can’t be rescued. Why is it that in my will, I still believe, trust, and love God (through my intention), and want to please Him and to offer this suffering for other souls… but what I feel is this complete inability to come back to Him, to love Him, to overcome temptation…

thank you!!

 

[Monica4316]

I feel like all these temptations, feelings, the impression I had that God has rejected me, experiencing His justice but not His mercy, and all that I’ve just described - that it’s all one big trial that God is putting me through… simply because my will and my faith hasn’t changed. If this is a trial, I’d be so glad. I just hope it’s not the reality. I don’t understand… if a person really wants to be with God, misses Him, prays for a long time to come back to Him, tries really hard to reach Him, to love Him, to give up sin, - wouldn’t He be merciful to this person? If the person does not experience His mercy, doesn’t that mean it’s a trial? It’s different if in their will they are against God and lukewarm… but what if they’re really trying, wouldn’t God answer? If a person’s heart is far from God, but they really WANT to change, I don’t think He would say no to that, and I don’t think this would be beyond His power to do… the only time He can’t do that is if the person opposes Him in their* will*.

am I right?

Maybe God is working secretly in my soul, and upholding my will?

when - this evening - I offered my love to God, I felt that He accepted it, and that it was real… at the same time, I felt unable to love Him and like everything in me is opposed to Him ,and He can’t reach me anymore. Either one has to be true, not both!!

I remember how in the beginning of all this, (roughly two months ago) - I felt God say to me that I need to really trust in His mercy and that He wants to transform me. Maybe this is what He wanted me to remember… I miss Him soo much and I don’t know how much more of this I can take this trial or whatever it is has almost been more than I could handle.

I know that God is just, and if He was only just, I would already be condemned to hell. But is not Mercy His greatest attribute? Jesus told St Faustina that His mercy is like an endless ocean… and I believe that, and am reaching out to His mercy… why does my heart seem so hardened towards Him, despite my will being opposite, and why do I seem to experience His justice more?

 

[Monica4316]

(sorry for so many posts )

I’m kind of wondering now what does it mean to love God… is it all about the intention to love Him? is that it? if our intention is to love Him but our emotions tell us otherwise, is our intention more reliable?

btw now that I see this as a trial I do feel much more peace, and a faith that goes deeper than emotions…

 

[Dorothy]

I could be upset and be tempted to rebellion in following the moral teaching of the Church, which is the Voice of Christ, but if I commit myself to doing so because I love God then all is well.

And, I don’t have to feel the emotion of love for my love to be valid. I believe that He is Sovereign, He is all-Good, and therefore what he asks of me is for my happiness, and I want to respond because it is for His greater glory.

Does my explanation help?

 

[JaredR]

Monica, I have heard love described as a disposition of the will. In the absence of feeling (and even the presence of unwanted feelings), God is allowing you to experience a great opportunity for self-denial and mortification.

Sometimes, when I am feeling downright rotten and I don’t want to pray AT ALL (basically every morning), I just repeat the word “cross” in my head and accept those feelings of sickness and negativity. In the morning, I love the Lord by uniting my aversion to His Cross, not by writing him love-poems or having butterflies in my stomach at the mention of His name.

 

[Monica4316]

I could be upset and be tempted to rebellion in following the moral teaching of the Church, which is the Voice of Christ, but if I commit myself to doing so because I love God then all is well.

And, I don’t have to feel the emotion of love for my love to be valid. I believe that He is Sovereign, He is all-Good, and therefore what he asks of me is for my happiness, and I want to respond because it is for His greater glory.

Does my explanation help?

that’s a good point thanks Dorothy! maybe what is scaring me is that all this is happening at the same time as the temptations to blasphemous thoughts, so it feels like it’s the result of sin, but I never know if I’m sinning or how much with these thoughts… so I end up being very confused and don’t know what the truth is anymore.

Also, - I sometimes fear that a person can sin so much that God wouldn’t WANT to take them back, because of the pain they’ve caused Him… and then I think of my sins and feel afraid. But I don’t believe that’s true. Other times, I’m afraid that God CAN’T (ie: not able) to take me back, as if my sins are greater than His redemptive power, which is again, not according to our faith! But these fears do end up affecting my emotions a lot.

Monica, I have heard love described as a disposition of the will.

that definitely makes sense

In the absence of feeling (and even the presence of unwanted feelings), God is allowing you to experience a great opportunity for self-denial and mortification.

hmm I never saw it that way!

Sometimes, when I am feeling downright rotten and I don’t want to pray AT ALL (basically every morning), I just repeat the word “cross” in my head and accept those feelings of sickness and negativity. In the morning, I love the Lord by uniting my aversion to His Cross, not by writing him love-poems or having butterflies in my stomach at the mention of His name.

haha
I think that this sort of love really pleases God… because it is done more selflessly. It’s so easy to get attached to consolations. Also, it helps us to die to self. Maybe this is all part of the plan! I hope it is. It just used to be so different; I’d have days of just feeling so much love for God and I know that’s a grace and didn’t come from myself… and maybe now God wants me to choose to love Him when the feelings are not there or when I feel something contradictory. In this way, love is more of a decision, whereas in the past, it came more naturally… you can’t help but love God when He is giving you consolations!

My only fear remains to be the blasphemous thoughts, - I’m afraid that I had sinned mortally (or worse yet, committed the unforgiveable sin). I think it might take me some time to work this out. Because even though I have this fear, and sometimes feel very strongly that I had sinned, other times I feel strongly that I have not. In reality, I just don’t know anymore. I still hate the thoughts though and am repentant for them: whether I chose them or no.

I would be so glad if I found out that this was all a trial, that I hadn’t sinned mortally, and that even if I have, I can be saved, and I’m sharing in Christ’s suffering. I don’t feel worthy of this though!!! does it make sense to feel more worthy of consolations than of sharing in the Cross? anyways I’m too weak! I make resolutions every day and then by the evening see how much I’ve failed. I wish I could just see Jesus and ask Him all these questions lol! I know that I love Him in my will, and if He wants to, I’d accept any further sufferings that He chooses, and obviously this is a grace and I know my own ‘natural’ love is very self-centered and weak. I wish I could love and trust Him more.

thanks for the advice
God bless!