What do you do when hubby doesn't want intimacy?

[foxc1]

I have been feeling unwanted by my hubby lately. The past few days, he cannot bring himself to finishing the marital embrace. I don’t want to go into too many details, but is physically unable to finish (becomes soft ). Last night we had an argument because I told him I was hoping to be intimate with him. All he said was that he was tired and that maybe if we went to bed earlier, he wouldn’t have a problem. He told me he hates to go to bed late and if I had to get up early, I would understand. I cannot believe he said that because I work FT and whenever he gets up early, I cannot go back to sleep! He makes way too much noise in the mornings and I cannot go back to sleep. Then I cook, I clean, and I’m pregnant. I am awake as long as he is and the time we go to bed is 10pm. How earlier does he want to go to bed?

I told him crying that I didn’t know what he expected. I said that we already go to bed early and he still tells me he’s tired and rather go to sleep. Lately it has been me who asks for intimacy, it was always him but not any longer. Hubby got out of our bedroom angry and said I was playing the victim because I was crying. I don’t feel wanted, I feel hurt, rejected, and that is why I cried. I couldn’t believe he was telling me he would want me if we went to bed earlier than 10pm, sometimes we go to bed at 9:30pm. Yesterday he took a 3 hr nap from 7-10pm and then we went to bed, he said he wasn’t sleepy any more but when I wanted intimacy, he said he was tired. He watched tv for 1.5 hrs, then when he left the bedroom it was around 11:45pm and watched more tv in the family room and came back an hour later. I was still awake but he didn’t say anything. This morning he apologized but I feel so rejected… :crying:

What am I supposed to do? How do I react to this? Is it normal? We’ve only been married 2 yrs. The first yr, he wanted me every day, last night he said “what? you want it every day???” We are only intimate about 10 times in an entire month… am I asking for too much? Do men lose sexual apetite and desire for their wives this early in the marriage?

 

[duskyjewel]

I can’t tell you what is wrong with your husband, but I can tell you it’s not normal for men to lose their sexual appetites for their wives, at any point. I don’t know where or why that idea gained currency. It’s just not true. DH and I are into our eleventh year of marriage, and he still wants me whenever possible and a lot of times when it’s not! (Kids’ needs, etc.)

The fact that your husband is complaining of fatigue and is physically incapable of finishing leads me to believe he needs to speak to his doctor. Perhaps the reason he is being so hostile about this is that he is embarrassed that he may have a problem. But it would be much better for him to suffer some embarassment and find out what’s wrong than for this state of affairs to continue in your marriage. I hope you can get him to go. Sometimes guys can be so stubborn about going to the doctor. His regular doc may be able to figure this out, or he may need a referral to a urologist. Probably best to start with someone with whom your DH is familiar, though.

 

[CatholicSam]

10 times a month is about once every 3 days, right? I don’t think that’s anything to worry about in and of itself. I think some husbands feel weird about relations with a pregnant wife (scared of hurting the baby, or just feeling weird about it). And also, he may be embarrassed about not being able to finish the act, and so he tries to avoid the situation. It may be time for him to see a doctor.

However, didn’t your husband and you have other marital problems? I can’t remember what they were right now, but that may be a deeper part of this as well.

 

[cathgal]

You’re pregnant. How far along are you?

 

[foxc1]

The thought of it being a medical issue crossed my mind, but because he’s so young, I thought it could be that he is tired, but how can he be so tired? I’m the one who should be tired.

To answer cathgal, I’m going on 13 wks.

To answer CatholicSam, the problem was the dumb myspace page which doesn’t exist any more. we dealt with that, it was nothing big to worry about. By the way, I called the phone number that woman had given him, it doesn’t exist, it was a fake number. So no biggie any more.

So, if husbands don’t lose interest then either he thinks he’ll harm the baby or he could have ED. We went over the hurting the baby thing and he knows unless the doc says not to, that we’re ok, so most likely it’s an ED or he really is tired?

I hope some men come and answer, I need male thoughts as well.

 

[kage_ar]

A marriage is about ebbs and flows -

People do get older, they get stressed from jobs - and sometimes, they really just want to sleep.

Every three days - lordy, to be young again

 

[duskyjewel]

Even young people can have medical issues. Look at Lance Armstrong. Do you think he ever thought he would have to deal with testicular cancer in his early thirties? There have been young women diagnosed with breast cancer in their 20s! Here in Phoenix, we just had a cop shot to death at the age of 32. One of the many remarkable things about him was that he had already beaten cancer TWICE during his life! It happens… So I really think he needs to see the doctor. The “tired” thing could be medical too. He could be suffering from chronic fatigue, sleep disorders, mononeucleosis, etc… All those could make him unnaturally tired.

Or, it could be about the pregnancy. Perhaps you should just ask him if that’s it. He may feel wierd about saying it to you, but maybe if you bring it up, he may open up. Thank goodness my DH never had that problem… my being pregnant seems to turn him on. Even when I am the size of a barge like I am right now… If it is about the pregnancy, then maybe take him to your next prenatal appointment and have your midwife or OB assure him that sex is fine and will not harm the baby. (As long as that is true and you have no medical reason to abstain… and as this seems to be your first pregnancy, you don’t have any history of problems…)

Edited to add: I just re-read that and all my examples are about cancer! I am so sorry, I don’t mean anything by that and don’t want to freak you out. Just pointing out that young people can and do have serious medical issues.

 

[CatholicSam]

There is also a phenomenon where the husband shares the wife’s pregnancy symptoms. They can get morning sickness, fatigue, leg cramps, gain weight, etc. It could be that he truly is sharing in your early pregnancy fatigue and/or hormonal fluctuations. It is known as Couvade Syndrome. My husband had a mild case, sharing in weight gain, food cravings, fatigue, muscle cramps, but thank goodness he didn’t get the nausea. They can sometimes get all the symptoms, and sometimes they only get one or two. Sometimes they even feel pain during labor.

 

[foxc1]

Even young people can have medical issues. Look at Lance Armstrong. Do you think he ever thought he would have to deal with testicular cancer in his early thirties? There have been young women diagnosed with breast cancer in their 20s! Here in Phoenix, we just had a cop shot to death at the age of 32. One of the many remarkable things about him was that he had already beaten cancer TWICE during his life! It happens… So I really think he needs to see the doctor. The “tired” thing could be medical too. He could be suffering from chronic fatigue, sleep disorders, mononeucleosis, etc… All those could make him unnaturally tired.

Or, it could be about the pregnancy. Perhaps you should just ask him if that’s it. He may feel wierd about saying it to you, but maybe if you bring it up, he may open up. Thank goodness my DH never had that problem… my being pregnant seems to turn him on. Even when I am the size of a barge like I am right now… If it is about the pregnancy, then maybe take him to your next prenatal appointment and have your midwife or OB assure him that sex is fine and will not harm the baby. (As long as that is true and you have no medical reason to abstain… and as this seems to be your first pregnancy, you don’t have any history of problems…)

Edited to add: I just re-read that and all my examples are about cancer! I am so sorry, I don’t mean anything by that and don’t want to freak you out. Just pointing out that young people can and do have serious medical issues.

I know medical problems happen to everyone no matter the age, but it’s only been a recent issue. Does ED come all of a sudden?

Don’t worry about the cancer thing, everything is possible. ED, cancer, fatigue, the pregnancy; who knows, maybe he is just tired and nothing is really wrong.

I’m just surprised someone in his early 20s would have a problem with sex, but then again, anything is possible.

 

[foxc1]

There is also a phenomenon where the husband shares the wife’s pregnancy symptoms. They can get morning sickness, fatigue, leg cramps, gain weight, etc. It could be that he truly is sharing in your early pregnancy fatigue and/or hormonal fluctuations. It is known as Couvade Syndrome. My husband had a mild case, sharing in weight gain, food cravings, fatigue, muscle cramps, but thank goodness he didn’t get the nausea. They can sometimes get all the symptoms, and sometimes they only get one or two. Sometimes they even feel pain during labor.

It could be too. I had forgotten abut this possibility. My uncle did get all the same symptoms as his wife with both pregnancies.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

I can’t tell you what is wrong with your husband, but I can tell you it’s not normal for men to lose their sexual appetites for their wives, at any point.

While I agree with you duskyjewel that men should not just loose interest entirely, it has been my experience, albeit short experience, that there is an ebb and flow to intimacy in a marriage. Sometimes it happens often, sometimes less often.

And also, he may be embarrassed about not being able to finish the act, and so he tries to avoid the situation.

I second that idea!

The thought of it being a medical issue crossed my mind, but because he’s so young, I thought it could be that he is tired, but how can he be so tired? I’m the one who should be tired.

foxc, I just wanted to say that I think that your husband should see a doctor just in case. If it turns out there’s nothing physically wrong, so much the better, and you can rule that out as a possibility. If, however, he has some sort of medical problem, it may actually cause him to be very tired (even if he’s not pregnant). As someone who has struggled with chronic fatigue for more than two years, I speak from experience.

 

[dulcissima]

I think that husbands do feel a lot of pressure when their wives are expecting. It’s a big responsibility to become parents, and that might weigh more heavily on some men than on others.

I would probably also just make the practical suggestion on trying him first thing in the morning. I know that might not be when you are most in the mood, but chances are good that he will be more ready then than at night. You said you wake up and can’t go back to sleep then anyhow, so maybe that would help.

 

[CarrieH]

Sometimes we create what we fear the most. Maybe he is feeling pressured to perform, and then he worries that he won’t be able to “finish,” and that distracts him to the point where he can’t. So he’s afraid to initiate anything in case he can’t perform again, and then you ask him for what he is afraid he won’t be able to do, so he distances himself even more. It gets to be a vicious cycle. And as others have said, maybe he is worried about hurting your baby. If this goes on for very long, a visit to the doctor’s would be good, to discuss his situation as well as to get some reassurance that it’s OK to be intimate during pregnancy. In the mean time, may I suggest an experiment? Don’t even bring up the subject of sex or make the first move, just be cheerful and affectionate in a non-sexual way, and see how long it takes him to notice and/or to make a move on you. It may well be that after the pressure is off, he’ll realize that he truly is interested after all! Good luck and God bless.

 

[duskyjewel]

I didn’t mean to say that there are no fluctuations in desire. Just that completely not wanting to isn’t normal.

foxc1, ED is usually related to blood pressure, and yes, that can come on suddenly. My BIL had a sudden-onset blood pressure problem at the age of 16. He is now perfectly healthy (as far as I know), but I do know of that one example of a very young person having a pretty serious blood pressure problem.

 

[kage_ar]

I didn’t mean to say that there are no fluctuations in desire. Just that completely not wanting to isn’t normal.

.

Call me old, but, I see a considerable distance between relations every three days and completely not wanting to

 

[StratusRose]

I hope this isn’t TMI but sometimes when my husband is really tired he has trouble finishing, too. A couple of times he went “soft” and just had to go to sleep. I understood. Getting upset about it probably exacerbated the situation and maybe he’s paranoid about performing well. What about Saturday morning sex? Or sex when you get home from work? I’ll take it any time of day! It doesn’t always have to be at bed time.

 

[duskyjewel]

Yikes, I just can’t say anything right on this thread. She said that he cannot finish and that he is getting hostile and starting arguments when she brings up wanting to be intimate with him. That seems to say to me that he doesn’t want to. Even if they are TRYING every three days.

Never mind…

 

[iamrefreshed]

OK, I’m a guy. I think the only one here so far.

There could be one of several issues here. First a question. You mentioned right at the begining of your post that this has been happening for the “last few days”. Is that it? Just a few days of this behavior? If so, skip the rest of this post and just give him some time. A few days does not a trend make.

Medical.
A simple annual physical should clear that up. If your husband is going to be a new daddy that’s a perfect reason for the physical.

Psychological.
That’s where my money is. I’m assuming this is your first child? Is it safe to say that prior to the pregnancy everything was fine? Some men get very strange about being with their wife when she is pregnant. Have him go to your next OB/GYN visit and bring up sex with the doctor. Let him hear it from a pro.

Good luck.

 

[foxc1]

Call me old, but, I see a considerable distance between relations every three days and completely not wanting to

He only has done it lately to try and please me, the last few times he couldn’t finish and says he’s tired to avoid having relations. The every 3 day distance was in the past, just lately he’s been strange.

 

[foxc1]

I hope this isn’t TMI but sometimes when my husband is really tired he has trouble finishing, too. A couple of times he went “soft” and just had to go to sleep. I understood. Getting upset about it probably exacerbated the situation and maybe he’s paranoid about performing well. What about Saturday morning sex? Or sex when you get home from work? I’ll take it any time of day! It doesn’t always have to be at bed time.

We tried it Sunday morning but it happened too. At night he said we’d make some time fr it, but he didn’t and came to me telling me he’s tired. He probably is, but he doesn’t do much other than work and be at home. He goes out once in a while with his friends but not often enough to exhaust him.
Betime was the easiest since when we both get home from work he’s starving so I start up the cooking, sometimes he does it. So, we ate last night, we sat to watch a bit of tv together and he fell asleep. Took a 3 hr long nap, so I read for a while. Then he wakes up and says he’s not tired any more and we go to bed. When I begin to approach him he says he’s tried but doesn’t go to sleep for another 2.5 hrs.