What do you do when hubby doesn't want intimacy?

[yessisan]

Stress and too tired doesn’t affect horniness, simply put. It may be because he isn’t turned on by pregnant woman, not trying to condescend, but just consider it.

Woe, wait a second! Are you serious? Are you married? Have you ever been depressed? How about tired?

I won’t ask anything else since you seem too young to be married. Your opinions are valued, but seriously, have you ever even picked up a Psycology book? I majored in Psychology, and believe me my friend, that “horniness”, as you call it, is affected by your mental state!

When someone is depressed or stressed, their minds are somewhere else… they cannot concentrate on sexual intimacy. If you want scientific proof, here is a medical paper on depression and low libido most of the research is on depression and sexual problems in men. Be my guest. Before saying something like this, please make sure you are able to back it up… at least with personal experience.

The OP doesn’t need to be beaten that way…

 

[montanaman]

Woe, wait a second! Are you serious? Are you married? Have you ever been depressed? How about tired?

I won’t ask anything else since you seem too young to be married. Your opinions are valued, but seriously, have you ever even picked up a Psycology book? I majored in Psychology, and believe me my friend, that “horniness”, as you call it, is affected by your mental state!

When someone is depressed or stressed, their minds are somewhere else. They cannot concentrate on sexual intimacy. If you want scientific proof, here is a medical paper on depression and low libido most of the research paper is on depression and sexual problems in men. Be my guest. Before saying something like this, please make sure you are able to back it up, at least with personal experience.

The OP doesn’t need to be beaten that way.

Seconded. Let me tell you–when bills are due that you can’t pay, the car is dying, and work is hell, the horizontal hula is the last thing on your mind.

 

[kage_ar]

Our OP seems to be feeling rejected - and I’d wager she is an attractive young woman and feels her husband does not find her fox-c anymore.

Really, OP - just relax, take the pressure off DH and enjoy holding hands for awhile.

 

[duskyjewel]

The fact that you mention that is the same with me. I don’t climax during intercourse and he usually doesn’t do anything for me to climax before or after, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I love it that he climaxes. For me it’s about the unitive part of sex, it’s more psychological than physical for me.

Some of the guys here have mentioned how their wife’s pleasure increases their own, and I know that is true for my DH as well. If I don’t climax, he feels like his part is not done. Perhaps the fact that you don’t climax is part of the constellation of what is going on here? Maybe he feels inadequate partly due to that? (I have to say, and I realize that other people’s marriages are none of my business, I was frankly horrified when you said that your husband doesn’t usually do anything to help you climax. That just seems so selfish to me! Why would he neglect you that way? I am not trying to stir up more trouble, but I just really don’t understand this.) Anyway, if your DH is feeling inadequate, due to the pressures of impending fatherhood or whatever other reasons he might have, this also might be contributing. You say it doesn’t matter to you, but maybe it matters to him.

I guess we’re back to communication again…gonna have to talk about all this uncomfortable stuff. I hope you guys can work it out.

And BTW, (directed at the PP who said some men just aren’t attracted to pregnant women) any man who would sexually reject his wife solely due to her pregnant shape (which he gave her) is NOT a man. That is just cruel and shallow.

 

[foxc1]

Our OP seems to be feeling rejected - and I’d wager she is an attractive young woman and feels her husband does not find her fox-c anymore.

Really, OP - just relax, take the pressure off DH and enjoy holding hands for awhile.

I will try and relax and pray it’s not depression or ED, though I want to assure myself he’s not depressed.

 

[foxc1]

Yessisan, you said you majored in psychology, how could I address depression with hubby?

 

[foxc1]

Some of the guys here have mentioned how their wife’s pleasure increases their own, and I know that is true for my DH as well. If I don’t climax, he feels like his part is not done. Perhaps the fact that you don’t climax is part of the constellation of what is going on here? Maybe he feels inadequate partly due to that? (I have to say, and I realize that other people’s marriages are none of my business, I was frankly horrified when you said that your husband doesn’t usually do anything to help you climax. That just seems so selfish to me! Why would he neglect you that way? I am not trying to stir up more trouble, but I just really don’t understand this.) Anyway, if your DH is feeling inadequate, due to the pressures of impending fatherhood or whatever other reasons he might have, this also might be contributing. You say it doesn’t matter to you, but maybe it matters to him.

I guess we’re back to communication again…gonna have to talk about all this uncomfortable stuff. I hope you guys can work it out.

He knows when I don’t climax and sometimes he tries to get me there, but I have told him I rather have him get there. He has told me he rather have me get there, but heck, it takes too long and I feel bad for him.

We’re back at square one: communication.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I don’t climax during intercourse and he usually doesn’t do anything for me to climax before or after, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I love it that he climaxes. For me it’s about the unitive part of sex, it’s more psychological than physical for me.

Okay, I was going to give him a pass on that whole MySpace thing… telling someone else she was pretty with a pregnant wife at home. He did the right thing and shut it down. Now this. He’s not used to thinking about anyone else much is he? He’s young and immature and it’s all about him. And when he hurts your feelings he gets mad at YOU and calls YOU a victim?

He needs to grow up.

Every three days isn’t a horrible average. Trust me. But I’ve been where you are. Once I got pregnant, all interest in me ended. Problem was, I got pregnant three weeks into my marriage.

He had “issues” with the idea there was another person in there.

It wasn’t all about him anymore.

Your husband sounds like he could be depressed. Or angry. He’s realizing this is IT. It’s real. His bachelor life is over. He isn’t allowed to flirt with every woman who comes along. His wife is pregnant and has needs and now he has to grow up and take care of her and another human being. It’s not all about him anymore.

Sex problems are just a symptom of other problems. The pregnancy is more real to you than to him. But I’m sure that you are finally starting to show a LITTLE bit where he can see the difference, and now it’s playing with his head. And if you’ve seen an ultrasound or anything, that may have caused an onset of his “symptoms.”

You’re both going to go through some growing pains at this time. I hope he’s close to his father or something, where another man can mentor him and help him wrap his head around the way his life is changing. The way he treats you during this time where you are so vulnerable will set the course for the rest of your marriage. Maybe some marriage counselling is in order.

Don’t take his rejection (and that’s what it is… in my view) personally. This has nothing to do with how lovely you are, or how beautiful you look as a pregnant mommy. This is his issue inside his head as he is having to grow up and join the responsible adults at the big table.

Pray for him. Stop trying to entice him. Think of it as practice. For when you are so dead tired that you don’t want him near you after the baby is born, you’ve been touched, pawed, and nursed on all day and you want your body to yourself, and he is all of a sudden interested in you again… remind him that he has proven quite capable of going many days without you. And now it’s time to practice continence some more.

That’s just my worthless two cents from someone who only saw the bad side of marriage. But the one thing I got from that is that you can’t take personally someone else’s issues. When you start internalizing it and reacting, that’s not good for you or the baby. It’s his issue. When a man turns off desire like a light switch, there is something else going on. And it’s not because you are horrible.

So that’s me being mean. You have all the others with the nice answers. I think this is why God had pregnancy take 9 months. It gives both mom and dad time to adjust.

Good luck.

 

[Gamera]

Maybe night time just isn’t his best time for intimacy these days. How about right after getting home from work, before supper?

 

[foxc1]

Okay, I was going to give him a pass on that whole MySpace thing… telling someone else she was pretty with a pregnant wife at home. He did the right thing and shut it down. Now this. He’s not used to thinking about anyone else much is he? He’s young and immature and it’s all about him. And when he hurts your feelings he gets mad at YOU and calls YOU a victim?

He needs to grow up.

Every three days isn’t a horrible average. Trust me. But I’ve been where you are. Once I got pregnant, all interest in me ended. Problem was, I got pregnant three weeks into my marriage.

He had “issues” with the idea there was another person in there.

It wasn’t all about him anymore.

Your husband sounds like he could be depressed. Or angry. He’s realizing this is IT. It’s real. His bachelor life is over. He isn’t allowed to flirt with every woman who comes along. His wife is pregnant and has needs and now he has to grow up and take care of her and another human being. It’s not all about him anymore.

Sex problems are just a symptom of other problems. The pregnancy is more real to you than to him. But I’m sure that you are finally starting to show a LITTLE bit where he can see the difference, and now it’s playing with his head. And if you’ve seen an ultrasound or anything, that may have caused an onset of his “symptoms.”

You’re both going to go through some growing pains at this time. I hope he’s close to his father or something, where another man can mentor him and help him wrap his head around the way his life is changing. The way he treats you during this time where you are so vulnerable will set the course for the rest of your marriage. Maybe some marriage counselling is in order.

Don’t take his rejection (and that’s what it is… in my view) personally. This has nothing to do with how lovely you are, or how beautiful you look as a pregnant mommy. This is his issue inside his head as he is having to grow up and join the responsible adults at the big table.

Pray for him. Stop trying to entice him. Think of it as practice. For when you are so dead tired that you don’t want him near you after the baby is born, you’ve been touched, pawed, and nursed on all day and you want your body to yourself, and he is all of a sudden interested in you again… remind him that he has proven quite capable of going many days without you. And now it’s time to practice continence some more.

That’s just my worthless two cents from someone who only saw the bad side of marriage. But the one thing I got from that is that you can’t take personally someone else’s issues. When you start internalizing it and reacting, that’s not good for you or the baby. It’s his issue. When a man turns off desire like a light switch, there is something else going on. And it’s not because you are horrible.

So that’s me being mean. You have all the others with the nice answers. I think this is why God had pregnancy take 9 months. It gives both mom and dad time to adjust.

Good luck.

Wonderful insight! However, I think he takes my word for not caring about climaxing. But he does need to grow up a little.

 

[foxc1]

Maybe night time just isn’t his best time for intimacy these days. How about right after getting home from work, before supper?

We can try to work on that

 

[duskyjewel]

He knows when I don’t climax and sometimes he tries to get me there, but I have told him I rather have him get there. He has told me he rather have me get there, but heck, it takes too long and I feel bad for him.

I suspected you would say something like this, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous by responding to it before you said it.

I am sure you think you are being selfless with this attitude, and in many ways, you are. BUT, as I said before and the previous male posters have said, a large part of a man’s enjoyment of sex is pleasing his woman. It is an affirmation, probably the biggest one there is, of his virility for a man to see his woman debilitated with pleasure he knows he caused. By saying that is not important, you are denying him an intended part of the pleasure of marital sex. And the pleasure is one of the unitive parts of the act. Sharing it is very bonding. (I am absolutely certain that someone else will post that marital sex is not all about the orgasm, and they are right, but in my view it is very important.)

I am not saying this is the main part of your problem, but it may be a contributing part. Perhaps he needs to learn better technique, but also, perhaps you need to learn to let go and be vulnerable in front of him. It takes a willingness to be completely disarmed, even to possibly look silly, to have an orgasm in front of another person. It’s a trust thing.

Anyway, I hope you and DH can have a serious, honest talk and work out whatever the difficulty is. And I agree with some of the PPs that backing off and not bringing it up for a while might be a good idea. Then maybe, after a couple weeks, just be wearing a skimpy little nightie when he gets home. Don’t say a word, just be fixing dinner or whatever would be normal when he walks in, but wearing something calculated to raise his blood pressure. Not many guys could resist that!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

suite101.com/lesson.cfm/19164/2814/7

Okay, now I’ll be nice. Try showing him this link and saying that this whole pregnancy thing is something you are both going through and you want to share it with him. He isn’t a bystander. And you want to know his feelings.

The author here stated my opinions much more charitably.

Maybe Mr. Foxc will rather make love than talk about his feelings, given the choice.

It’s one thing to have to adjust to life’s changes. But NO ONE is allowed to make other people miserable and be harsh with pregnant women while they’re doing the adjusting.

 

[iamrefreshed]

suite101.com/lesson.cfm/19164/2814/7

It’s one thing to have to adjust to life’s changes. But NO ONE is allowed to make other people miserable and be harsh with pregnant women while they’re doing the adjusting.

Please remember that both mother AND father are affected by pregnancy. It’s very important to realize that the father is adjusting to pregnancy as well.

Pregnancy does NOT just belong to the wife.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

iamrefreshed, it is true it doesn’t just belong to the wife. But she IS the one going through massive physical and hormonal changes and her whole body is changing in ways that will affect her the rest of her life… sense of smell, hearing, perceptions… the drain of a growing baby on her energy…

No man goes through that. And someone who won’t cut his wife some slack and be more gentle during this time has a problem.
Pregnant women are very vulnerable. Most of society recognizes that.

Things she may be able to brush off normally become magnified during this time. A man who can’t recognize that now won’t treat her very well when she is post-partum either. Been there, done that.

 

[iamrefreshed]

iamrefreshed, it is true it doesn’t just belong to the wife. But she IS the one going through massive physical and hormonal changes and her whole body is changing in ways that will affect her the rest of her life… sense of smell, hearing, perceptions… the drain of a growing baby on her energy…

No man goes through that. And someone who won’t cut his wife some slack and be more gentle during this time has a problem.
Pregnant women are very vulnerable. Most of society recognizes that.

Things she may be able to brush off normally become magnified during this time. A man who can’t recognize that now won’t treat her very well when she is post-partum either. Been there, done that.

I understand that the wife is going through changes that only a woman can comprehend.

She should also realize that the husband is going through similar changes (which only a man can comprehend).

Now this does not give either license to be inconsiderate or unkind.

To state that he has a ‘problem’ if he doesn’t ‘cut her some slack’ would indicate to me that you may not be giving the man any consideration of the changes he is facing vis a vis the pregnancy.

Slack cuts both ways. If her husband is facing a difficult time in performing the marital embrace for a month or two I think he also deserves some ‘slack’.

I can appreciate that you have ‘been there, done that’ but that does not mean foxc1 is going through the same thing.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

We’re back at square one: communication.

I think you really found the key here. It sounds to me from your posts that you really don’t know what your husband is going through right now. He hasn’t spoken up yet and maybe needs some encouragement. So now that you have some ideas from this thread, maybe you can find a way to delicately broach the subject.

Also, I would urge you not to discount a. his tiredness which could have a physical/emotional cause that is just as real as pregnancy, nor b. the pressure on a husband when his wife is pregnant.

Men, in my experience, really desire to be good providers for their families, and when that family is expanding, it adds to the pressure. Maybe he even is realizing, as you said, that he does need to mature and that things will not be the same. I am sure that you will both be learning new things and sacrificing the more relaxed lifestyle you had before the baby. Anyway, I am also sure you can both work through this together, especially with good communication.

 

[proud2bcatholic]

I want to bring another possibility, I don’t know the man, but given his lack of boundaries (from the Myspace thing), does he have a history with pornography? If so, does he have time during the day where he is alone and has access to it?

If so, he could be getting his sex fix from that and therefore does not feel the need to have sex with you.

It could also be the stress of being a new father.

It could also be depression among other things.

It could be a mixture of all of these things. I would also definitely agree with the other guys here who say that part of the enjoyment for a man of sex is that the woman is pleasured and enjoys herself, if it doesn’t seem like the wife is enjoying herself it definitely turns the mood down some, I think it is a self esteem thing, a man’s desire to provide for his wife.

Definitely communication is key, and I hope it is not pornography, but as a man who was formerly addicted to pornography I am a firm believer that many problems in marriage are due to porn and people just overlook it thinking it has no effect on the marriage. I disagree wholeheartedly.

 

[WSD]

Hi, I’m a married guy, and after 14 years of being married, intimacy does eb and flow. My wife had abdominal surgery about 14 years ago. It definatly curbed my desiger untill well after her body was recovered from surgery.
Also, you need to remember society has certian preconcived notions about what it means to be “a man”. I had a “softness” issue myself a year old two ago (I’m in my late 40’s) and found it to be a very humilating episode for me. Understand my wife was supportive, and understanding, but still it was what I was feeling inside of me. If it was hard for me to express it at my age, and accept it at my age; it has to be harder for a guy in his 20’s.
Remember the gift of sexuality is just that, a gift. as we are raising our children we find they always want gifts, some good, some not so good. We do not get them what they want when they want every time. We want them to be thankfull for the gifts they have.
It is not easy, but thank God for the gift of the times your husband can be intimate with you. It may be a first step in helping the two of you through it.
Peace be with the three of you

 

[foxc1]

I don’t think he has problems with porn, he rarely is alone at home, and doesn’t have access to a computer at work.

Regarding the softness thing, thank you WSD for sharing. I know these things happen, but when hubby wanted to just go to sleep is what puzzled me. I guess it is a gift we have to learn to deal with when we can/cannot have it. I just hope he doesn’t really have a serious problem. He didn’t go to work today but he went out with his friends to play soccer. I stayed home today too, so most of the day we spent it relaxing. It was nice to share the day like that.

I’m leaving things to time for now, then if the problem goes on, I will touch the subject about him seeing a doctor. I did ask him if he was depressed at all, and he said he didn’t think so, he said he was just worried about money and the baby.