What do you do when your child tells you he/she's gay?

[estesbob]

This kind of “love-the-sinner, hate-the-sin” attitude works great for TV preachers who can purport tolerance to audiences with guilty consciences and checkbooks at hand. It will be very hard for your daughter or son to believe that you can love them and yet be revolted by a fundamental part of their identity. This “sin” is so different from an axe murder, which only occurs in a moment of extreme stress. This is something your child lives every day of their life, and (if lucky) sees it as a beautiful and life-transfiguring thing. Especially for gay people, whom for sexuality and identity are so closely knit, if you hate the sin, you are hating the sinner. If your child understands that you believe homosexuality is an abomination, they will be skeptical at best of your “unconditional” love.

The idea that parents need to accept any lifestyle their children embrace is specious. I also hardly think you are in a poition to tell those of us who have/are expereincing this difficult situation “hate” our chlidren. The greatest act of Love a parent can show their child is to NOT affirm their sins.

 

[Jack17]

May I ask if it concerns you at all where their eternal soul ends up for all eternity?

Would you also consider it a family value if your future children deceided to just live together with someone instead of marrying them?

Because trust me, that is a huge concern for many faithful Catholics about their children NOW. This world is only passing away, eventually they will reside elsewhere for all eternity, that isn’t a concern of yours as someone who claims to be a Catholic?

We’re just talking about being gay, not doing homosexual activities. I will accept them if they are gay, but what they do in bed is none of my business when they are an adult.

 

[apromisemade]

The idea that parents need to accept any lifestyle their children embrace is specious. I also hardly think you are in a poition to tell those of us who have/are expereincing this difficult situation “hate” our chlidren. The greatest act of Love a parent can show their child is to NOT affirm their sins.

It’s a nice idea in theory. But if you look at what that kind of attitude does in reality you will see it is anything but an act of love. I have heard heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story about gay human beings who sink into lives of pain and despair because their “lifestyle” is rejected and shunned by their own families. I can hate the fact that someone is an artist but love that person right? I could be like a Christian mother who loved her child but hated the sin of boxing that he was actively involved in as a boy (I kid you not, she felt competitive boxing was a sin).

When you say you love a person but hate a part of who they are that they have no power to control, love becomes an empty, meaningless word, and I say that from personal experience.

A gay child is going to endure enough rejection and “honesty” from the rest of the world. Stick to your personal convictions if you must, but the plain and simple fact is a parent does more harm than good by telling their child they are flawed and disordered by having feelings for someone of the same sex.

Yes, a parent must love their child unconditionally, but sometimes, or rather most of the time, a child needs more than just love. If my child ever told me he or she was gay, I would still invite them over for Christmas dinner, I would still stop by their house if I was passing through town, I would still encourage them to call me if they are upset about something, I would still help them out with school or work if they needed it, I would still sit down with them over diner and talk about God, family, politics, etc. I’ve endured to much isolation and chastizing in my own childhood to be able, in good conscience, inflict that on someone else.

But that’s just me.

 

[Charlotte408]

I wouldnt ‘disown’ her…I love my daughter…and I think that if you love someone, you cant give up…I would tell her I dont agree with her lifestyle…and I think that its going to hurt her spiritually, and I’d look up whatever kinda info to support it…My house would of course always be open to her, but if she had a partner they would not be allowed over, and likewise I wouldnt go to their home. I wouldnt disown her though…in fact I’d get closer to her, spend more time with her, try to get to the bottom of whats going on, get her to open up, explore her feelings…address issues…that kinda thing…

 

[v3orb]

The idea that parents need to accept any lifestyle their children embrace is specious. I also hardly think you are in a poition to tell those of us who have/are expereincing this difficult situation “hate” our chlidren. The greatest act of Love a parent can show their child is to NOT affirm their sins.

If I don’t know what I’m talking about, then nobody does. This is my life. I don’t presume to preach what I don’t know to parents. I wouldn’t be posting if I didn’t think I could offer the child’s point of view accurately.

It’s a nice idea in theory. But if you look at what that kind of attitude does in reality you will see it is anything but an act of love. I have heard heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story about gay human beings who sink into lives of pain and despair because their “lifestyle” is rejected and shunned by their own families. I can hate the fact that someone is an artist but love that person right? I could be like a Christian mother who loved her child but hated the sin of boxing that he was actively involved in as a boy (I kid you not, she felt competitive boxing was a sin).

When you say you love a person but hate a part of who they are that they have no power to control, love becomes an empty, meaningless word, and I say that from personal experience.

A gay child is going to endure enough rejection and “honesty” from the rest of the world. Stick to your personal convictions if you must, but the plain and simple fact is a parent does more harm than good by telling their child they are flawed and disordered by having feelings for someone of the same sex.

Yes, a parent must love their child unconditionally, but sometimes, or rather most of the time, a child needs more than just love. If my child ever told me he or she was gay, I would still invite them over for Christmas dinner, I would still stop by their house if I was passing through town, I would still encourage them to call me if they are upset about something, I would still help them out with school or work if they needed it, I would still sit down with them over diner and talk about God, family, politics, etc. I’ve endured to much isolation and chastizing in my own childhood to be able, in good conscience, inflict that on someone else.

Thanks for that.

May I recommend you a book, estesbob? This book, Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin. The author ministers to the New York City gay community but also holds to traditional christian views on sexuality.

 

[WillieWonka]

The idea that parents need to accept any lifestyle their children embrace is specious. I also hardly think you are in a poition to tell those of us who have/are expereincing this difficult situation “hate” our chlidren. The greatest act of Love a parent can show their child is to NOT affirm their sins.

What does it mean for an individual parent to accept a lifestyle? Exactly what do they do?

What does it mean to not accept a life style? Exactly what do they do?

What difference would we observe between a parent who accepted a gay lifestyle and one who did not?

I often hear about accepting or not accepting a lifestyle, whether one is doing this in the context of a family or a work place. Tolerate or not tolerate. But, I really don’t know what people actually mean.

For example, let’s take the work place. There are those who tolerate a gay lifestyle, and there are those who don’t. But I see little difference ein their relations with the individual gay.

In the context of the family, how does one treat the straight son as opposed to the gay son? What is the real difference? How would an outside observer know one was accepting one lifestyle, but not accepting the other?

 

[v3orb]

In the context of the family, how does one treat the straight son as opposed to the gay son? What is the real difference? How would an outside observer know one was accepting one lifestyle, but not accepting the other?

The difference lies between welcoming and affirming.

Says the christian parent who has not come to terms with their child’s sexuality: “I love my son, but I hate this man who is dragging him to hell. They may never appear as a couple at family events or stay at our house. I will continue to tell him that his homosexuality is an abomination and encourage him to seek change.”

Says the christian parent who has managed to welcome their child, regardless of sexuality: “I love my son, and I’m glad he has found a great friend to spend his life with. They are welcome in my home. I will always stand up for my son and protect him, regardless of his personal choices.”

Says the christian parent who affirms their child’s sexuality: “I love my son and his partner. I will fight for his rights, publicly, and participate in gay related events to support him.”

So is there a difference between the welcoming parent and the affirming parent? Yes, but it’s most likely not one that you can see from the outside.

 

[mkingdomlvr]

I’m not a parent, but I am the gay child of two parents who have NEVER given me anything but unconditional love. When I look at my life against the lives of many of my friends, I can’t believe the blessing it’s been to have been born to these people. I’ve known about my “difference” since I was in 6th grade, and they were always supportive and did everything they could to help me during those years. The bullying was pretty intense, but it really helped to know that I was loved at home exactly as I was.

Having said that, our relationship really doesn’t lead to a lot of discussion about it. I don’t discuss my sex life with them, and they don’t discuss theirs with me. When I was in a relationship, they referred to my partner as my “friend” and she was welcome in their home. Of course, we were always sensitive to their feelings and we did not display anything more than friendly gestures-no kissing, no hand holding…nothing that would upset them. We dealt with her parents the same way. I’m sure they were concerned because they believe it was sinful, but they allowed us the ability to be adults and choose for ourselves. They knew they had given us good Catholic upbringings and most likely did a lot of praying that it would win out. When we did end the relationship and return to celibate lives I’m sure they were happy, but I’m also sure that ending would have been a lot longer in coming if they’d been hard-line with us at the beginning.

I second the recommendation about Courage. There’s good info there. I know my parents got a lot of help from our Pastor and the Sisters that taught me in school when they realized I was “different” from the other girls so that might be an option as well.

 

[RosaryCrusader]

The “proof” you cite is laughable - how can you tell if a baby is born homosexual? Did he have a lisp or was it that the baby was hanging out at the gay bar that tipped them off to his sexual orientation? They obviously had to wait until the babies grew up to determine the sexuality of the adult. There is no gay gene - it’s a myth!

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**Did I say a word about a gay gene?

Since I didn’t, why did you bring it up?**

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Because that is the implication of being born with a certain ‘sexuality.’ People are born male or female - they’re born with certain colors of eyes, skin, hair - all determined at conception as part of their genetic blueprint. For babies to be born homosexual would require the need of a ‘gay gene’ which is precisely what gay advocacy groups have been burnin’ bucks over in trying to discover.

but the Catholic Church teaches that homosexuality is intrinsically disordered and sodomy is one of the four sins which cries to Heaven for vengeance.

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**And can you tell us the other three without looking it up?

**

Yes, I can as a matter of fact but they’re not relevant to this topic. If you don’t know you can google them.
bpbasilphx;5546270:

If homosexuality is intrinsically disordered, it is at one of three levels: spiritual, psychological, or physical.

(etc.)

Homosexuality is intrinsically disordered. No if’s and’s or but’s - it’s a fact. Because you disagree with it doesn’t change anything.

 

[sancte_joseph]

Strangely (since a lot of the time I disagree with him) On this matter I must agree with **bpbasilphx **
People can’t choose to be gay. And the RosaryCrusader just because YOU say something is a fact doesn’t make it so.

 

[bpbasilphx]

Because that is the implication of being born with a certain ‘sexuality.’

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** ** W * R * O * N * G * !!!*

Something can be inborn without being genetic. You’ve just shown your own ignorance on the subject.**

 

[allhers]

We’re just talking about being gay, not doing homosexual activities. I will accept them if they are gay, but what they do in bed is none of my business when they are an adult.

Isn’t it usually those who do those homosexual activities, the ones who call themselves gay?

If they have a same sex attraction (SSA), but don’t act on it, I don’t think they normally refer to themselves as gay. From what I understand, a lot of them seek help through courage (couragerc.net). …and I’ve only learned that from being on this forum for a few years.

I"m just saying that if one of my children came to me and told me that they were gay that I would be concerned for their soul and no I wouldn’t reject them, but I sure would point them in the direction of that site and I sure would be praying for them and offering sacrifices for them and trying to discourage them from acting on their SSA.

I would do the same for one of my children who was living with a “partner” and not Married. It isn’t that I’d think they are defective, just disordered in their thinking and lifestyle.

You said in your earlier post that you wouldn’t care as long as they were happy. I think we all ought to be caring more for eternal souls than so called happiness doing whatever we feel like as long as it makes us “happy”. Where is the happiness in doing something wrong and doing nothing to change it?

 

[BobObob]

Isn’t it usually those who do those homosexual activities, the ones who call themselves gay?

If they have a same sex attraction (SSA), but don’t act on it, I don’t think they normally refer to themselves as gay. From what I understand, a lot of them seek help through courage (couragerc.net). …and I’ve only learned that from being on this forum for a few years.

The term “gay” better describes those who engage in homosexual activities. However, many tend to use this term loosely, applying it to all who have SSA.

I have SSA. I don’t label myself “gay”, nor do I define myself by my sexual attractions.

 

[allhers]

The term “gay” better describes those who engage in homosexual activities. However, many tend to use this term loosely, applying it to all who have SSA.

I have SSA. I don’t label myself “gay”, nor do I define myself by my sexual attractions.

T/Y, thats exactly what I thought, and I find it very refreshing that you don’t define yourself by your sexual attractions also. I think that is very good. I have a problem with anger sometimes but I don’t think that I am an angry person, I just sometimes have to pray and walk away before I say something that I would regret because I know that I would be offending God and someone else otherwise. (maybe lots of someone elses depending on who was around.)

 

[brigid12]

Strangely (since a lot of the time I disagree with him) On this matter I must agree with **bpbasilphx **
People can’t choose to be gay. And the RosaryCrusader just because YOU say something is a fact doesn’t make it so.

Actually, RosaryCrusader is just citing the CCC#2357. You might also want to look at #2358 and #2359. And please, let’s be Christian adults here.

 

[sancte_joseph]

Actually, RosaryCrusader is just citing the CCC#2357. You might also want to look at #2358 and #2359. And please, let’s be Christian adults here.

umm… sorry but no he wasn’t he was being a “protestant” about it (inside joke) and said homosexuality is… but in the CCC it says

"homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142

on further reading… i can see how he got that out of the CCC… sorry for being unchristian like if i was…

Chastity and homosexuality

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

 

[RosaryCrusader]

Because that is the implication of being born with a certain ‘sexuality.’

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** ** W * R * O * N * G * !!!***

Something can be inborn without being genetic. You’ve just shown your own ignorance on the subject.

bpbasil, I can see you lack the maturity to engage in any meaningful dialogue. You also display a complete lack of knowledge on the subject since gay rights advocates, scientists and geneticists have been pushing for decades for the discovery of a ‘gay gene’ for the very reason that they believed as you believe - that people are born homosexual - and as such were of the oppinion that this entailed the necessity of a ‘gay gene’. All of which was (and is) to no avail since such a gene does not exist and the thought of such is not taken seriously by most in the scientific community. So you’ve unwittingly ceded your case and proved my point that people aren’t born homosexual.

 

[sancte_joseph]

bpbasil, I can see you lack the maturity to engage in any meaningful dialogue. You also display a complete lack of knowledge on the subject since gay rights advocates, scientists and geneticists have been pushing for decades for the discovery of a ‘gay gene’ for the very reason that they believed as you believe - that people are born homosexual - and as such were of the oppinion that this entailed the necessity of a ‘gay gene’. All of which was (and is) to no avail since such a gene does not exist and the thought of such is not taken seriously by most in the scientific community. So you’ve unwittingly ceded your case and proved my point that people aren’t born homosexual.

Umm… well no… you actually did and do show your ignorance on the matter… Scientist still don’t know what really makes us… us…

It’s the old nature vs. nurture debate… and the Nature part has nothing to do with eye color or such physical characteristics. rather our inner being (for lack of a better word)

 

[RosaryCrusader]

Strangely (since a lot of the time I disagree with him) On this matter I must agree with **bpbasilphx **
People can’t choose to be gay. And the RosaryCrusader just because YOU say something is a fact doesn’t make it so.

umm… sorry but no he wasn’t he was being a “protestant” about it (inside joke) and said homosexuality is… but in the CCC it says

Sancte, you set yourself up against the Catholic Church & refer to me as ‘protestant’ in the process when the Church clearly states that BOTH the acts and the inclinations are disordered.

CCC
2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial.

 

[RosaryCrusader]

Umm… well no… you actually did and do show your ignorance on the matter… Scientist still don’t know what really makes us… us…

It’s the old nature vs. nurture debate… and the Nature part has nothing to do with eye color or such physical characteristics. rather our inner being (for lack of a better word)

Sancte, it’s already clear you’re ignorant of what the Church teaches on the subject and you further want to press your misinformed viewpoints? All I said is that scientists have been searching for a gay gene at the promptings of gay lobbyists. Do you disagree with this? And if it’s common knowledge that there is no gay gene why are they investing millions to try to find it?

Please enlighten me how I’m ignorant on this issue.