What do YOU find are acceptable reasons for divorce?

[MJJean]

I went to 3 Priests about my husband’s sexual sins. All 3 priests told me that Porn isn’t grounds for a divorce in the Catholic Church. All 3 priests also told me that I should forgive sexual sins such as kissing and lap dances (as long as my husband is sorry, repents, and stops doing this behavior).

What I am saying and I feel that my words have been twisted on this forum is that many Catholics file for annulments for “minor” things that should be worked out and forgiven. I believe an “emotional” affair is something that could also be worked out and is not grounds for a divorce.

He should forgive someone 7 times 77. Jesus would want you to forgive and try to make the marriage work. Too many people throw in the towel without trying to fix the marriage.

While watching porn is not grounds, as Xantippe pointed out watching porn can lead to some seriously damaging behaviors. Particularly financially. Pay-for porn can be exceedingly expensive and bankrupt a lower income family. I believe in those circumstances divorce could be justified if it’s that or continue sharing finances and be homeless or without food and utilities.

As for the emotional affair I think that depends. If it was a long term thing that has irreparably damaged the marital relationship, well… Besides, working things out takes two. If the other party isn’t interested in change or doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong or believes their bad behavior is justified what is the other party supposed to do? You can’t fix a marriage all by yourself.

Also, I thought we’re supposed to forgive 7 times 77 if the person who has done us wrong asks for forgiveness and sincerely and repents of their actions. Is this correct?

 

[Xantippe]

While watching porn is not grounds, as Xantippe pointed out watching porn can lead to some seriously damaging behaviors. Particularly financially. Pay-for porn can be exceedingly expensive and bankrupt a lower income family. I believe in those circumstances divorce could be justified if it’s that or continue sharing finances and be homeless or without food and utilities.

As for the emotional affair I think that depends. If it was a long term thing that has irreparably damaged the marital relationship, well…

Also, I thought we’re supposed to forgive 7 times 77 if the person who has done us wrong asks for forgiveness and sincerely and repents of their actions. Is this correct?

Also, as we’ve often discussed in other circumstances, forgiveness does not necessarily mean exposing yourself to further wrong-doing.

 

[hydin]

Well, If you are Catholic then this is what you are to believe about Divorce… Unless you want to rewrite the Catechism. I wonder how many Catholic marriages could have been saved if we just supported what God has revealed to us as truth rather than watering it down. It is pretty clear. Divorce is immoral. Sorry, tough teaching. Many left…

Divorce

2382 The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.174 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.175

Between the baptized, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."176

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another's husband to herself.178

2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

2386 It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.179

If you dig deeper into canon law you will find that reconciliation is expected in all cases when the danger has been removed. Of course some must think Jesus was mistaken or times have changed and Jesus was not aware of how today would be (He is God folks… outside of time…) Like guiding the Catholic Church to not approve the pill in the 60’s, when science could not support what we now know today, that the pill causes the abortion of a fertilized egg 8% of the time (1 month out of 12), His words mean something.

I stand with the Church, even when it is tough and not popular. That is being a Catholic. Sorry for the harshness of these facts but I have watched 3 marriages of very active parishoners be gently guided to divorce by “pastoral” actions of “Catholics”… Not one claim of abuse or adultery in any of them. The Pastor of the Parish was the worst example. Never once made any effort to meet with the couples even when it was requested… They continue to serve as if they have not offended God. If they are sorry then it would follow that they would reconcile. If you are glad you divorced then is forgiveness given? Not so quick. If you steal 1,000 you can’t keep it and be glad you did it and expect forgiveness. You must do all you can to make it right and that includes not keeping the funds and giving them back in some way or giving them to some other cause. If a partner is willing to reconcile and you refuse… are you sorry? are you forgiven? Jesus’s words were clear on this. the Apostles walking with him reacted to his stance on Marriage by saying it would have been better if they never married. Jesus didn’t water down his statement after that. The Apostles got it.

If you are Catholic then you need to support and advocate Church teaching on Divorce. May cost you a friend now… He may see the error in his ways and repent after some time based on what you tell him. If you comfort him and the Catechism is correct are you really being a friend by ignoring what God has taught us when you speak to him? Speak the truth in love. He is not the issue, it is his choices. He can make better choices now or later. God’s grace is promised when we struggle and call on Him to lead us. Not sure the same grace is present when we personally interpret what God meant to suit our situations.

 

[Clearwater14]

Well, If you are Catholic then this is what you are to believe about Divorce… Unless you want to rewrite the Catechism. I wonder how many Catholic marriages could have been saved if we just supported what God has revealed to us as truth rather than watering it down. It is pretty clear. Divorce is immoral. Sorry, tough teaching. Many left…

Divorce

2382 The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.174 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.175

Between the baptized, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."176

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another's husband to herself.178

2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

2386 It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.179

If you dig deeper into canon law you will find that reconciliation is expected in all cases when the danger has been removed. Of course some must think Jesus was mistaken or times have changed and Jesus was not aware of how today would be (He is God folks… outside of time…) Like guiding the Catholic Church to not approve the pill in the 60’s, when science could not support what we now know today, that the pill causes the abortion of a fertilized egg 8% of the time (1 month out of 12), His words mean something.

I stand with the Church, even when it is tough and not popular. That is being a Catholic. Sorry for the harshness of these facts but I have watched 3 marriages of very active parishoners be gently guided to divorce by “pastoral” actions of “Catholics”… Not one claim of abuse or adultery in any of them. The Pastor of the Parish was the worst example. Never once made any effort to meet with the couples even when it was requested… They continue to serve as if they have not offended God. If they are sorry then it would follow that they would reconcile. If you are glad you divorced then is forgiveness given? Not so quick. If you steal 1,000 you can’t keep it and be glad you did it and expect forgiveness. You must do all you can to make it right and that includes not keeping the funds and giving them back in some way or giving them to some other cause. If a partner is willing to reconcile and you refuse… are you sorry? are you forgiven? Jesus’s words were clear on this. the Apostles walking with him reacted to his stance on Marriage by saying it would have been better if they never married. Jesus didn’t water down his statement after that. The Apostles got it.

If you are Catholic then you need to support and advocate Church teaching on Divorce. May cost you a friend now… He may see the error in his ways and repent after some time based on what you tell him. If you comfort him and the Catechism is correct are you really being a friend by ignoring what God has taught us when you speak to him? Speak the truth in love. He is not the issue, it is his choices. He can make better choices now or later. God’s grace is promised when we struggle and call on Him to lead us. Not sure the same grace is present when we personally interpret what God meant to suit our situations.

What about if your husband agrees to a private lap dance in a strip club and touches the stripper’s breasts and the stripper touches him and there is serious grinding from the lap dance (and the stripper is nude)? What then? Isn’t this considered adultery? Isn’t this grounds for a divorce? What if your husband did this several times but then stopped and asked for forgiveness? Is this still grounds for adultery? What do you think?

 

[Usige]

What about if your husband agrees to a private lap dance in a strip club and touches the stripper’s breasts and the stripper touches him and there is serious grinding from the lap dance (and the stripper is nude)? What then? Isn’t this considered adultery? Isn’t this grounds for a divorce? What if your husband did this several times but then stopped and asked for forgiveness? Is this still grounds for adultery? What do you think?

This wasn’t directed at me, but as a Catholic I would say no, that is not a good reason for divorce. I do not include an act of adultery as a direct reason to abandon a marriage. Is it slimy and disgusting for the husband (or wife) to do as you state? Yes. Does that invalidate their marriage vows? No.

If our spouse messes up and asks for forgiveness then we need to look deep in our hearts and try to find a way to forgive them. If they fall again and ask for forgiveness? We should look to Christ crucified to see what true love and forgiveness looks like. Perhaps if there is constant acts of infidelity with little or no signs of repentance then divorce is advisable as the intent for life long fidelity is now in question. In other words a single act (even repeated) does not automatically show a disregard for their vows. That’s not to say we should all be doormats, but rather that we shouldn’t run at the first time our spouse falls.

 

[EasterJoy]

From the catechism:

Divorce

2382 The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.174 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.175 (1614)

Between the baptized, “a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death.”176

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177 (1649)

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery: (1650)

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery; and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.178

2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

2386 It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.179 (1640)

So mark me as other- If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance.

Canon law gives these guidelines for separating when the marriage must still enjoy the presumption of validity. (In practice, it is becoming rare for the faithful to introduce a cause for separation to the competent ecclesiastical authority.)

*Art. 2.

SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING

**Can. 1151 **Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

**§2. **Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

**Can. 1153 §1. **If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

**§2. **In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

**Can. 1154 **After the separation of the spouses has taken place, the adequate support and education of the children must always be suitably provided.

Can. 1155 The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.*

Also, civil divorce is necessary in many jurisdictions before an investigation of validity can be opened. I have been told that this is because civil law once allowed spouses to sue outside parties for alienation of affection, and the tribunal investigations were liable to be accused as a major contributing reason for a marriage’s collapse. Once there has already been a civil divorce, this accusation no longer holds water.

 

[ahs]

I voted "the 4 “A"s” with a qualifier that this is only in regard to Civil Divorce. The civilly divorced couple would still be Married, per se, unless an annulment process found that Marriage never took place to begin with.

 

[chevalier]

My opinion is that of the Catholic Church, I don’t have my own different opinion.

It’s not exactly true that a merely civil divorce is not a sin. It’s not only attempted remarriage which is wrong, but it’s also wrong to cause the breakdown of a marriage.

Divorce should not be pursued where separation would suffice.

The comfort of being pronounced ‘no longer married’ by the civil authority is not a comfort a Catholic should seek. What God bound together, no man — including civil authorities — can put asunder.

Unfortunately, wrong views on this aren’t uncommon on these boards.

 

[pensmama87]

Unfortunately, there are places where there is no such thing as legal separation, and without some kind of legal option an erring spouse won’t really be obligated to follow through on such things as custody arrangements, child support, etc. Simply moving out may not be enough.

 

[Xantippe]

Unfortunately, there are places where there is no such thing as legal separation, and without some kind of legal option an erring spouse won’t really be obligated to follow through on such things as custody arrangements, child support, etc. Simply moving out may not be enough.

Also, simple separation may not provide enough legal protection in cases of abuse.

 

[EasterJoy]

My opinion is that of the Catholic Church, I don’t have my own different opinion.

It’s not exactly true that a merely civil divorce is not a sin. It’s not only attempted remarriage which is wrong, but it’s also wrong to cause the breakdown of a marriage.

Divorce should not be pursued where separation would suffice.

The comfort of being pronounced ‘no longer married’ by the civil authority is not a comfort a Catholic should seek. What God bound together, no man — including civil authorities — can put asunder.

Unfortunately, wrong views on this aren’t uncommon on these boards.

Because of one’s total inability to oversee (or expect to be included in) what a separated spouse is doing with regards to their financial decisions and obligations, it is rare for couples to separate permanently without a civil divorce.

 

[chevalier]

Because of one’s total inability to oversee (or expect to be included in) what a separated spouse is doing with regards to their financial decisions and obligations, it is rare for couples to separate permanently without a civil divorce.

That may be true to some extent (not fully) in some places, but not everywhere. It depends on the law of the place. (And the law should be consulted rather than a subjective hunches and fears and desire to get some extra safety.)

 

[Xantippe]

That may be true to some extent (not fully) in some places, but not everywhere. It depends on the law of the place. (And the law should be consulted rather than a subjective hunches and fears and desire to get some extra safety.)

Again, if one or both spouses has a reasonable hope of obtaining an annulment, they have to obtain a civil divorce before beginning the annulment procedures.

That would seem to suggest that there isn’t such a huge official difference between civil separation and civil divorce in the eyes of the Church.

 

[Clearwater14]

I agree that today too many people get divorced for any little excuse. I think this is wrong and is not what God intended marriage to be like.

I am struggling on making the “right” decision in my marriage like so many other people. I found out my husband has been watching porn and getting lap dances at strip clubs behind my back. These lap dances were very physical. I don’t mean to be graphic, but when they say the men are not allowed to touch the strippers in strip clubs, this is a myth. My husband has touched stripper’s breasts as they rubbed their naked bodies all over him and wiggled in his lap. He agreed and paid money for this. One stripper put her hand down his pants and then he “stopped” the lap dance, paid the stripper and left. (Thank God he left).

I found out through snooping and other people what had happened. I know this happened at least 3 times, but who knows how many times he actually went to these places. He has never confessed anything to me by himself. I had to find out about this through snooping. He lied, lied, lied until I had the proof. This bothers me greatly. I do believe if I never found out what happened he would keep to strip clubs.

Since I found out and was completely devastated and said I am going to divorce him, only then did he stop this behavior. He said he was sorry. He says he loves me and wants to fix our marriage. He agreed to go to Christian Marriage Counseling.

What am I supposed to do? What does God want me to do? How do I move forward? I feel so betrayed. It is very hard to trust him again.

Any advice is appreciated.

 

[EasterJoy]

That may be true to some extent (not fully) in some places, but not everywhere. It depends on the law of the place. (And the law should be consulted rather than a subjective hunches and fears and desire to get some extra safety.)

Civil divorce is permissible when it is required to obtain a just division of assets or other protections under the law from unjust choices on the part of the separated spouse. As others have pointed out, civil divorce can be necessary in order to obtain the standing to claim these protections.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree that today too many people get divorced for any little excuse. I think this is wrong and is not what God intended marriage to be like.

I am struggling on making the “right” decision in my marriage like so many other people. I found out my husband has been watching porn and getting lap dances at strip clubs behind my back. These lap dances were very physical. I don’t mean to be graphic, but when they say the men are not allowed to touch the strippers in strip clubs, this is a myth. My husband has touched stripper’s breasts as they rubbed their naked bodies all over him and wiggled in his lap. He agreed and paid money for this. One stripper put her hand down his pants and then he “stopped” the lap dance, paid the stripper and left. (Thank God he left).

I found out through snooping and other people what had happened. I know this happened at least 3 times, but who knows how many times he actually went to these places. He has never confessed anything to me by himself. I had to find out about this through snooping. He lied, lied, lied until I had the proof. This bothers me greatly. I do believe if I never found out what happened he would keep to strip clubs.

Since I found out and was completely devastated and said I am going to divorce him, only then did he stop this behavior. He said he was sorry. He says he loves me and wants to fix our marriage. He agreed to go to Christian Marriage Counseling.

What am I supposed to do? What does God want me to do? How do I move forward? I feel so betrayed. It is very hard to trust him again.

Any advice is appreciated.

You are right to refrain from rushing into a divorce, but it is not true that a spouse is bound to tolerate any sort of infidelity that stops short of extramarital intercourse. Consult with your pastor about this. This is not a situation calling for “theoretical” advice such as we can offer here. You need someone who can truly be with you and listening, a discrete pastor with real knowledge and a real ability to help you work through this.

 

[holyrood]

There were emotional affairs, at least one one night stand, and I believe multiple physical affairs on my ex husband’s part, along with many, many lies to the point I understood he was totally untrustworthy. Throw in a lot of mind games and what I call emotional, psychological abuse that left me nearly questioning my own sanity, feeling I had to write down conversations with him to know I wasn’t crazy. At one point, I doubted my own perceptions so badly I sat at a green light, afraid to go through in case it wasn’t really green.

I solved these problems by finally disengaging, separating myself emotionally from him, and requiring him to live in the basement, as I no longer trusted my physical health to him. He was quite civil, finally understood I no longer believed him, and had lost a great deal of the power he’d had to play these mind games.

I would have been happy to live like this forever, for the sake of the kids.

I finally filed for divorce as legal protection, when he started stealing money from my personal account, which was the only buffer and savings we ever had. I figured there’s no protection against that, except the legal solution of divorce.

During proceedings, I found we were tens of thousands of dollars in debt, nearly his entire annual income, in fact. I believe we would have eventually lost the house (though it may have taken several more years for his spending and debt to catch up to him), and there is nowhere and no way to rent a home large enough for 9 children, once one is already saddled with that much debt and the resulting credit issues that would have arisen.

I filed for legal protection to make sure I could provide for my children and keep a roof over their heads.

I have filed for annulment and have no doubt it will be granted on multiple grounds, but the immediate reason I filed was because it was the only legal protection I saw available. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

[hydin]

What about if your husband agrees to a private lap dance in a strip club and touches the stripper’s breasts and the stripper touches him and there is serious grinding from the lap dance (and the stripper is nude)? What then? Isn’t this considered adultery? Isn’t this grounds for a divorce? What if your husband did this several times but then stopped and asked for forgiveness? Is this still grounds for adultery? What do you think?

I am not sure if you are a Catholic. If you are then you should know that the Church, under very strict counsel and approvals will see a civil divorce as an option to protect the finances etc. The Catholic Church takes the Sacrament of Marriage very seriously. When Jesus said He hates divorce we believe him. When the Apostles (fairly Holy men) responded to Jesus’ words they came to the conclusion that it would have been better if they had never married.

By your example The couple is married. So it is not grounds for a Decree of Nullity. Those reasons have to exist as you are taking the vows on the day of the marriage. Separation is another topic but even this option requires the approval of clergy unless it is a dangerous situation (lap dances would not fit since the spouse is not in danger).

As far as a lap dance and forgiveness yes, that is expected and actually the spouse would want to forgive. It is the hard part of the Our Father… forgive us as we forgive those… Love is not a feeling. Jesus commands (can’t command a feeling) to love our enemies. No one feels like doing that. It is an effort. Love is an action verb and really is only shown to be true when tested. The Catholic Church also calls Divorce “Grave Matter” which is a term for Mortal Sin. Many gloss this over when mentioning receiving the Eucharist and say that being Divorced does not mean you can’t receive, if you are in good standing. It also says that the “innocent party” can receive. If their is an innocent party that makes the other what? Can one be in good standing if they file for divorce for Irreconcilable differences, are under no threat, refuse to seek counseling or other wise work to resolve the marriage issues, violates Canon Law by not getting approvals or seeing reconciliation after the danger, if any has past? What if the person filing for divorce is glad they filed? Can a person who is happy with their decision to break a covenant with God, meaning they have decided on their own that God’s Grace is incapable of healing their marriage, be in good standing? Swap stealing for divorce to get your answer. If you are caught stealing, know it is a sin, are glad you did it and refuse to make restitution are you really repentant? Many of those who filed for divorce gloss over the phrase, in proper standing or disposition to receive. If the Church did not see filing for divorce, outside of specific circumstances why did they not just say it is a Grave Matter to remarry after a civil divorce? Because that is not what all of the various sections referring to divorce in the Catechism and Canon Law say. Divorce harms so many.

It is a very hard teaching. Many Priest water this down. Once you know the Churches position or have a reasonable cause to investigate the Church’s position then the individual and the individual alone is responsible to God. So after reading this post, if you choose to go your own way then you put yourself at risk. A simple definition of sin is deciding what you think is right is better than what God has entrusted to His Church to guide us with. Separations can be approved by the church but only for a short time unless their is continuing danger. Being unhappy or seeing someone better to be with is not danger. It really comes down to trusting God. If you look at the research it is very clear. A large majority of those who report unhappy marriages but stick it out rather than divorce report they are in happy marriages 5 years later. On the flip side, those who divorce and remarry admit that if they had put the effort into their first marriage that they did into the second that they would have had a better result. if you divorce your kids, even if out of the house, have a 50% higher chance of divorcing. It gives then an example of how to handle difficulties in marriage.

Research also shows that if adultery occurs that it is rarley the first cause of marriage issues (unless the spouse had a mental illness). Normally the marriage is not meeting their needs so as a result of that they go elsewhere. Look at the lives of the Saints. You will see many times how their faithfulness resulted in a conversion of the heart of their spouses.

Jesus didn’t explain further his stance on divorce. He took away Moses allowance for divorce when He spoke. He didn’t explain it again to the Apostles when they said it would be better if they had not married… They understood Jesus. They got how high Jesus values the Marriage bond. I would personally hesitate to come up with a personal revelation that overrides the words of our Lord when so much is documented in the Catechism and Canon Law. Those documents contain the true teachings of the Church all the way back to the first century.

 

[hydin]

You are right to refrain from rushing into a divorce, but it is not true that a spouse is bound to tolerate any sort of infidelity that stops short of extramarital intercourse. Consult with your pastor about this. This is not a situation calling for “theoretical” advice such as we can offer here. You need someone who can truly be with you and listening, a discrete pastor with real knowledge and a real ability to help you work through this.

If your Pastor’s advice is not in keeping with the Catechism or Canon Law get a second opinion. Priests can’t change these documents due to personal opinion. If you see his advice as different from what you read then you know you should check further… and not doing so puts you at risk.

Read the Catechism. Read Canon Law. Then seek your Pastor’s opinion and ask very specific questions. Don’t ask “can divorced people receive the Eucharist?” You will get the "if they are otherwise in the proper disposition to receive they can answer, which is correct. Ask "If a person files for divorce for irreconcilable differences or because a spouse got a lap dance, can they receive the Eucharist… You want to find out the truth, not just an answer you suspect is incorrect but which you like the sound of.

 

[hydin]

Canon law gives these guidelines for separating when the marriage must still enjoy the presumption of validity. (In practice, it is becoming rare for the faithful to introduce a cause for separation to the competent ecclesiastical authority.)

SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING

**Can. 1151 **Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

**Can. 1153 §1. **If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

****§2. ****In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.
.

**1491 The sacrament of Penance is a whole consisting in three actions of the penitent and the priest’s absolution. The penitent’s acts are repentance, confession or disclosure of sins to the priest, and the intention to make reparation and do works of reparation.

1492 Repentance (also called contrition) must be inspired by motives that arise from faith. If repentance arises from love of charity for God, it is called “perfect” contrition; if it is founded on other motives, it is called “imperfect.”

1494 The confessor proposes the performance of certain acts of “satisfaction” or “penance” to be performed by the penitent in order to repair the harm caused by sin and to re-establish habits befitting a disciple of Christ. **

If filing for Divorce is a sin, which it seems to be in most cases due to the use of the word “Innocent” to describe the non divorcing party (Of course only if conditions are not met as spelled out in the Catechism and Canon Law concerning when divorce is acceptable and with separation approved by clergy as stated in canon law), then it would seem that to truly repent would mean reconciling. I don’t see how one could say they repented but were glad they filed and were granted al divorce. How can you repair the damage done to the Sacrament by divorce as witnessed by the church if one does not attempt to reunite what man has divided?

It is like saying I can steal 10 million dollars and give it back to a third party on a Caribbean island in small chunks and have repented as I live a lavish lifestyle. I just call the person I stole it from and tell them I am sorry and I can continue to enjoy the fruits of my sin. Not sure it works like that. Giving up on a marriage due to reasons not spelled out by our church teaching shows a lack of trust in God. It says I know better, I am out of here… forget the clergy and what they think, for get church teaching… I want to feel happy. As Sheen says it is refusing to pick up the very cross that God may have placed in front of you. It is like telling God his expectations were too tough. We can do it but I am not sure God accepts it. Time will tell.

Certainly God doesn’t expect us to stay with a spouse who lost the hair that attracted us to them or who has gained 100 lbs… He is a loving God after all, Right? Everything should be to our liking as we serve him… The new threat to our Faith is sitting next to us on the pew… the Catholic who believes in God, a God that thinks just like he does…(paraphrasing Dr. Ray G.)

Also, just because most “Catholics” (the ones who file for divorce… which calls into question how Catholic they really are by default) don’t follow Canon Law does not lessen its importance or application. Everybody is doing it (or not doing it) has no place in determining Church teaching.