What do you need to hear when discerning?

[Sister_Helena]

Sometimes well meaning people try to help those who are discerning Religious life by giving them multiple advices. Some of these advices are probably helpful. But I’m just wondering, since I get inquiries sometimes, are you really getting the right advice? Are you hearing what you need to know? Or are the advices making it even more confusing for you?

 

[OKCatholic]

This is an excellent question. By the time I was applying to seminary I had 2 priests who knew me very well and were closely involved with my discernment. They each had their own way of encouragement. One was very quiet, doing more listening and praying than speaking. He was immensely helpful to me and continues to be a trusted friend. The other was outspoken and almost confrontational. He challenged me to make the difficult decision instead of riding the fence. He made me excited about discernment.

I suppose each discerner is different. It takes a real relationship to determine how best to encourage someone’s vocational discernment.

 

[justagirl]

I think prayer and support are the most important things! Someone may just want to talk and not want advice. He/she almost certainly needs general encouragement and assurances of prayers.

Experiences, especially positive ones, are great, too! I feel much better about things when my priest/SD talks about his vocation, and I wish I knew more religious who could share their experiences with me.

If an individual is working with a spiritual director, others should be particularly careful not to give too much advice. Discernment is a tricky, sometimes fragile process. The discerning individual and her SD know more about how the Holy Spirit is moving in her life than friends, family members, and acquaintances. Too much advice or the wrong bit of well-meant advice could lead someone astray.

 

[Sister_Helena]

I think prayer and support are the most important things! Someone may just want to talk and not want advice. He/she almost certainly needs general encouragement and assurances of prayers.

Experiences, especially positive ones, are great, too! I feel much better about things when my priest/SD talks about his vocation, and I wish I knew more religious who could share their experiences with me.

If an individual is working with a spiritual director, others should be particularly careful not to give too much advice. Discernment is a tricky, sometimes fragile process. The discerning individual and her SD know more about how the Holy Spirit is moving in her life than friends, family members, and acquaintances. Too much advice or the wrong bit of well-meant advice could lead someone astray.

This is a good insight! I totally agree. Friends and acquaintances can sometimes be too overly enthusiastic in giving advice. Not their fault, just an eagerness to help and share insights. But we should all be mindful of the fact that there are more differences in souls than faces.

 

[justagirl]

I think it’s also important for friends and family to be patient. Their advice shouldn’t be about hurrying things up or getting through points A, B, and C by some specified time. Discernment is not a race. We’re all on God’s schedule, and we know He always has perfect timing.

 

[ChemicalBean]

Many people, including some vocation directors, like to spout off “Get a spiritual director” like that will solve all your problems (and theirs!), without giving the discerner information they need about that, like:
1.) What a spiritual director is/isn’t/does/doesn’t [ie: should they pray for you, give you concrete advice or not, sit there like a bump on a log while you talk at them, what do you discuss, what don’t you discuss, how do you really benefit from the relationship, can they be a friend or acquaintance, what kind of “vibe” should you get from them, how often do you meet, what do you offer in compensation, etc.]
2.) Where/how to find a good (what’s good?) and qualified (by what?) spiritual director [ie: start namin’ some names…]

Discerners need to know that they are supported (even if not understood) by the people they love most and who love them most, particularly parents and close friends. It’s really hard to pursue something out of love for God when you feel really bad about making the people who love you feel hurt or rejected.

Discerners need to get the straight and honest poop on anything they ask about the lifestyle they are choosing. Like a child learning about “growing up”, if they are at the stage in their development to ask it, they are ready to learn and process its meaning for them at that time. They deserve to know the good, the bad, and the ugly, because although a congregation/diocese will risk much by having them enter, the person who enters risks all. If it is truly information that cannot be shared, the discerner should be fully informed why, in reasonable and adult terms, and both parties should continue to seek and resolve the heart of the matter. Anything less is suspicious, irresponsible, and cult-like. Leaving somebody in the dark about something important as a test of obedience is a sick behavior, and in a college fraternity that would be known as hazing (and illegal).

 

[Spiritu]

Here are the most important things I’ve heard throughout my discernment thus far, in roughly descending order of importance:

1: Yes, you could indeed have a vocation - explore it further. (As opposed to: you’re too young to be thinking about that. You can’t know your own mind yet.)

2: The Sisters like young people and want to help you in any way they can. (As opposed to: brace yourself for an uphill battle of constant scrutiny before they’ll let you through the door.)

3: No, your student debt is not going to ruin your life. (As opposed to: it will take you five, maybe six years to get rid of it, and hopefully by that stage you will have a good job and a boyfriend and moved on from this idea about being a nun.)

4: No, this allergy/knee injury/blot on your medical record isn’t the end of the world. *(As opposed to: it’d be a liability, so perhaps find something else to do.) *This sounds like a silly one, but I sent in a general information form to the Nashville Dominicans a few days ago, and was practically hyperventilating when I realised that I had to mention two mild medical issues in two consecutive answers: I was convinced that the next letter I’d get would be a polite apology for being unable to consider me as a future vocation. Was that what happened? Nope! (Not yet, anyway!)

5: The religious life isn’t blissful all the time, but neither is any path in life. Some of the difficult parts are… so be prepared to encounter them, but remember, you can overcome them because you’re doing this for Christ. (As opposed to: you’ll have to do fasting and penances, you’ll be getting up before dawn, you’ll be caged up with people you don’t like, and you’ll get time off Purgatory if you take it in silence.)

As you can probably guess from the tone of the above, a fair bit of what I’ve heard in my discernment has been negative, and it makes the words of encouragement really really precious. I actually went through a stage of severe anxiety about my vocation earlier this year, when the negative advice seemed to be coming from all sides. What set me back on track at that time was a beautiful book called “What Must I Do?” by Sister Mary Paul Reilly, written in the early 1950s, which said not to worry inordinately about those sorts of issues: “Christ is courting the object of His desire, and He makes His intentions known by arousing in her an ever-increasing response to His love” (pg 8).

Upon reading that sentence, the fear that had been building up as the result of too many warnings and checks upon my enthusiasm evaporated: I remembered that because God loved me and wanted me, all manner of things would be well, and that was the equilibrium I desperately needed. So in answer to your question overall, I’d say that any advice set in the positive frame of love for God is good, and a single encouraging sentence is priceless.

 

[Sister_Helena]

Here are the most important things I’ve heard throughout my discernment thus far, in roughly descending order of importance:

1: Yes, you could indeed have a vocation - explore it further. (As opposed to: you’re too young to be thinking about that. You can’t know your own mind yet.)

2: The Sisters like young people and want to help you in any way they can. (As opposed to: brace yourself for an uphill battle of constant scrutiny before they’ll let you through the door.)

3: No, your student debt is not going to ruin your life. (As opposed to: it will take you five, maybe six years to get rid of it, and hopefully by that stage you will have a good job and a boyfriend and moved on from this idea about being a nun.)

4: No, this allergy/knee injury/blot on your medical record isn’t the end of the world. *(As opposed to: it’d be a liability, so perhaps find something else to do.) *This sounds like a silly one, but I sent in a general information form to the Nashville Dominicans a few days ago, and was practically hyperventilating when I realised that I had to mention two mild medical issues in two consecutive answers: I was convinced that the next letter I’d get would be a polite apology for being unable to consider me as a future vocation. Was that what happened? Nope! (Not yet, anyway!)

5: The religious life isn’t blissful all the time, but neither is any path in life. Some of the difficult parts are… so be prepared to encounter them, but remember, you can overcome them because you’re doing this for Christ. (As opposed to: you’ll have to do fasting and penances, you’ll be getting up before dawn, you’ll be caged up with people you don’t like, and you’ll get time off Purgatory if you take it in silence.)

As you can probably guess from the tone of the above, a fair bit of what I’ve heard in my discernment has been negative, and it makes the words of encouragement really really precious. I actually went through a stage of severe anxiety about my vocation earlier this year, when the negative advice seemed to be coming from all sides. What set me back on track at that time was a beautiful book called “What Must I Do?” by Sister Mary Paul Reilly, written in the early 1950s, which said not to worry inordinately about those sorts of issues: “Christ is courting the object of His desire, and He makes His intentions known by arousing in her an ever-increasing response to His love” (pg 8).

Upon reading that sentence, the fear that had been building up as the result of too many warnings and checks upon my enthusiasm evaporated: I remembered that because God loved me and wanted me, all manner of things would be well, and that was the equilibrium I desperately needed. So in answer to your question overall, I’d say that any advice set in the positive frame of love for God is good, and a single encouraging sentence is priceless.

Thank you, Spiritu, your sharing is precious!

 

[Anlar]

I’d like to hear words of wisdom and encouragement, because everywhere when we talk about leaving the world and become religious/sister/nun/priest there are more discouragement than encouragement. It takes a great deal of courage to become religious in these times. Lives of the Saints are very helpful too.

 

[MusicaDonumDei]

So what are some answers to these questions, because I will be starting to discern a vocation just after moving to a new town, so first I won’t know how to find a Spiritual Director, and then, what to expect once I find one.

Many people, including some vocation directors, like to spout off “Get a spiritual director” like that will solve all your problems (and theirs!), without giving the discerner information they need about that, like:
1.) What a spiritual director is/isn’t/does/doesn’t [ie: should they pray for you, give you concrete advice or not, sit there like a bump on a log while you talk at them, what do you discuss, what don’t you discuss, how do you really benefit from the relationship, can they be a friend or acquaintance, what kind of “vibe” should you get from them, how often do you meet, what do you offer in compensation, etc.]
2.) Where/how to find a good (what’s good?) and qualified (by what?) spiritual director [ie: start namin’ some names…]

 

[Sancta_Rosa]

A difficulty that I had was that I had been Affliated to a Marian order and I had been praying their prayers and studying their theology for sometime before I found an SD. While I learned much that was of great use, my SD did not like the Marian theology I had come to love, nor did she have any time for the basis of this Marian theology. We have parted ways and for several months I was left feeling hurt and confused and came near to abandoning my faith and sense of vocation.

I have now returned to studying and praying as an Affliate and I feel very reluctant to seek for an SD again. There are certain advantages to being a hermit and one of them is having peace and silence in which to find one’s equilibrium again.

 

[Poor_Clare_tobe]

I *am at the end of my discernment period.(Since I shall be entering the Poor Clares on July 16th this year)

I had hesitated to post as I am at the end and not at the start.

Upon reflection I did come up with some things that" would "have helped.

It takes a while to find the right spiritual director and some choose not to or don’t find one.

What would have helped me while discerning would have been meetings or discussion groups with other women (young or old) as they looked into various religious orders.

I still find it baffling that these groups seem not to exist here in my area. Also the look communities up and find your own sisters to help you well wasn’t to helpful for me. I would have loved to have seen a vocation day or two… with multiple communities. (Mind you this is my “second” vocation search so I knew what to expect) What I am saying poorly I am afraid is that more needs to be done at least in my area to encourage woman to look at religious life and to help them to begin to find communities to contact. Perhaps even a mentor program???

Just some ideas… Blessings of Peace and All Good!*

 

[DebChris]

The post by Spiritu (#7) is excellent.
When I was “too young” I had the wrong reason. I wanted to become a nun because I thought it was the only way that I could become a teacher.
I like the words from the Sisters of St. Cecilia website, “It is not what you do, but who you are.” Those words, in written form or otherwise might have directed me toward my true calling (that is if I was meant to become a nun).
Years later, a nun friend of mine told me “even if you enter with the wrong reason, God will give you the right reason.”
I think it also helps to know about recurring “nun thoughts,” thoughts such as “this is something you can do as a nun.”(versus you can become a nun if you want to____________}

There are many different orders to choose from. Poor Clare Tobe mentions discussion groups. After the “nun thought” I had of “this is something you can do as a nun,” despite my impediments, I went on line and researched women’s religious orders. I found an order in NJ (I don’t remember the name) whose purpose is helping women discern possible orders. It is nice to know that this year long program exists. I did find a spiritual director when I went back to college. The internet was not around when I was a young teen. I sent out scads of letters. When my mother found out she took me to see the post chaplain.

 

[Sister_Helena]

A difficulty that I had was that I had been Affliated to a Marian order and I had been praying their prayers and studying their theology for sometime before I found an SD. While I learned much that was of great use, my SD did not like the Marian theology I had come to love, nor did she have any time for the basis of this Marian theology. We have parted ways and for several months I was left feeling hurt and confused and came near to abandoning my faith and sense of vocation.

I have now returned to studying and praying as an Affliate and I feel very reluctant to seek for an SD again. There are certain advantages to being a hermit and one of them is having peace and silence in which to find one’s equilibrium again.

Deciding to have a spiritual director is a serious and risky business. Spiritual direction is a special art and field not suited to any Priest, Religious or lay-person. One has to really pray to find good and theologically sound director. Anybody can give well meaning advices and suggestions but that is not spiritual direction. St. Teresa of Avila used to say that spiritual directors should have both experience and theological knowledge but if she is forced to choose one quality, it would have to be theological knowledge. In other words, sound orthodoxy.

 

[GilChrist77]

I’m going to introduce my self a little bit first.
I’m 17 and have known that I’m going to be a nun for five years, in January 2008 I went on the March for Life in Washington DC and that’s when I found that I’m called to join the Sisters of Life in New York City.

One of the things that I would really like to have is people not telling me that I’m too young or that I should wait a while before I make a final choice. Also I just want my peers and older friends to let me be who I am and be fine with that.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria!

 

[DevotedChild]

I’m going to introduce my self a little bit first.
I’m 17 and have known that I’m going to be a nun for five years, in January 2008 I went on the March for Life in Washington DC and that’s when I found that I’m called to join the Sisters of Life in New York City.

One of the things that I would really like to have is people not telling me that I’m too young or that I should wait a while before I make a final choice. Also I just want my peers and older friends to let me be who I am and be fine with that.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria!

I know what you mean. I am sixteen and have been discerning for almost 2 years and have had thoughts of being a nun since I was in kindergarden, the first time it came to me was when I was in church with my class while I was still in kindergarden. But I never really thought of it seriously until my freshmen year in highschool and or in my 8th grade year in middle school. I have been told that I am to young and that I have a long life ahead of me but no matter how much I think like the average teenager when it comes to marriage and such, I am now realizing a pull to both vocations but maybe a stronger one at the moment towards the religious life.

Right now, my dilemma is finding out what God wants me to do with my life. For I have already planed out my life in what I thought he was pointing me towards but I feel that there is more to it than what I already know and so I wish to know what else he wants from me. Plus my prayer life is getting better but I really need to work on it because I feel that I am not getting enough of it and need more.

If anyone has advice for me that would be helpful. It seems that the only advice I seem to get is from my aunt who has tried to become a nun but always seems to be rejected. My priest don’t know partly because I told them something else at the time and I am also very shy around them because I don’t know them really well. So any advice would be welcome.

 

[Poor_Clare_tobe]

So what are some answers to these questions, because I will be starting to discern a vocation just after moving to a new town, so first I won’t know how to find a Spiritual Director, and then, what to expect once I find one.

*Musica,
I may have missed others answers to your question(s)

I was unsure as to how to respond to your own question of what are the answers to the above question? (There are so many listed on the threads above your response)

Perhaps you could re-list some of the questions you would like some of us to share our experiences with?

As to finding a Spiritual Director? I would begin with your vocations director of you Diocese as he or she (If you are lucky to have one for women in your Diocese) will have a list of those trained in spiritual direction.

As to what to expect??? Everyone’s journey of direction is different. Do know that you may have to try a few before you find one that fits your needs or personality (Or perhaps you may find a perfect fit from the start)

Some things a director will help you with (might be)… Confirming your vocation whether it is to the religious life or to some other way of life. Deepening your prayer life. Helping you to not feel alone if you are indeed called to religious life.

One book that was quite helpful to me (In understanding the role of a Spiritual Director) was “Seeking Spiritual Direction” …How to Grow the Divine Life Within
Thomas Dubay, S.M. (Servant Publications)

Perhaps other posters will share their experiences with Spirtual Direction? and once you post some more questions? answer those also?
Blessings of Peace and All Good!*

 

[DebChris]

I think it’s also important for friends and family to be patient. Their advice shouldn’t be about hurrying things up or getting through points A, B, and C by some specified time. Discernment is not a race. We’re all on God’s schedule, and we know He always has perfect timing.

This is a good point. When the maximum age was 30, you did have to meet a timeline.
My husband and my brother were each men who attended seminary for one year. My husband was asked to leave because of maturity. He was still thinking about returning when I turned his head. It helps to know that the decision about whether or not this is the right community is a mutual decision. You choose each other.
My brother had ambitions to be the first American pope. There are stories (he is older than I) of him using the toilet plunger to bless people. Any way, he discovered his true calling to the married life and has 4 grown children. I remember his stories of men, after 14 years of formation, coming to point of ordination and then saying no as they realized the priesthood was not their calling. Your discernment decision is not the final choice. Once you enter formation, and any time before final vows, you can still back out.

I know what you mean. I am sixteen and have been discerning for almost 2 years and have had thoughts of being a nun since I was in kindergarden, the first time it came to me was when I was in church with my class while I was still in kindergarden. But I never really thought of it seriously until my freshmen year in highschool and or in my 8th grade year in middle school. I have been told that I am to young and that I have a long life ahead of me but no matter how much I think like the average teenager when it comes to marriage and such, I am now realizing a pull to both vocations but maybe a stronger one at the moment towards the religious life.

Right now, my dilemma is finding out what God wants me to do with my life. For I have already planed out my life in what I thought he was pointing me towards but I feel that there is more to it than what I already know and so I wish to know what else he wants from me. Plus my prayer life is getting better but I really need to work on it because I feel that I am not getting enough of it and need more.

If anyone has advice for me that would be helpful. It seems that the only advice I seem to get is from my aunt who has tried to become a nun but always seems to be rejected. My priest don’t know partly because I told them something else at the time and I am also very shy around them because I don’t know them really well. So any advice would be welcome.

While a religious vocation and career are too different things, but they do have one thing in common. At this young age I am sure you are exploring possible careers. Why not explore vocation?

What comes to mind is the words from Cursillo.
“Christ is counting on you” to which the response is "And I am counting on Christ.

 

[DevotedChild]

While a religious vocation and career are too different things, but they do have one thing in common. At this young age I am sure you are exploring possible careers. Why not explore vocation?

What comes to mind is the words from Cursillo.
“Christ is counting on you” to which the response is "And I am counting on Christ.

I understand what you are saying but I was meaning to say that I have been diserning both the vocations of the religious life and the married life, for I feel a call to both in a sense but I trying to figure out which one or what vocation/life that He wants me to live. I have a career that I planning for and other things in mind of doing, most of my life is planned out but I am trying to understand if what I have planned for myself is what God wants for me and if He has something else planned for me and such.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I have never been good with words except when it comes to poetry.

 

[HickmanJosh]

I am 15 and i have been discerning priesthood for a little over a month now, but when i was in adoration two Fridays ago i was thinking about it and i just thought to myself, “You can’t even become a priest until your done high school (3 years), you don’t have to decide yet.” so i haven’t. and i understand what you mean about being called to the priesthood and married life, that is the one thing tripping me up from actually saying for certain i want to be a priest, still i have a long way to go yet before even having a chance to get married or go to a seminary.

Remember Jesus wants whats best for you, weather that means becoming a nun or getting married i don’t know which but keep your options open and explore all possibilitys before making such a big commitment either way.

This is your choice and your choice alone, nobody else can chose for you, although i can think of one guy who would do anything to make it for you. (Satan)

Be at peace

HickmanJosh