What exactly is the Church's stance on a future marriage with a divorced man?

[Lerin]

Yes, and statistics also say that 50% of marriages will end in divorce.

I don’t like to make my decisions based on statistics, but by prayer and discernment and following my faith.

If you don’t believe in Church authority, you can go on with your life and “follow your heart” all you’d like. If you DO believe in Church authority (even when She tells you something you don’t want to hear) then you will make the effort to read the CATHOLIC literature that the other posters have recommended, visit your priest, and make a decision based on Her authority.

You haven’t answered that question on this thread, and so I am wondering if you have answered it in your own heart.

Peace be with you. Your posts are so full of anxiety, frustration, and sadness. :console:

 

[katillac1]

Your boyfriend shouldn’t be concerned that he is insulting God by going to the Tribunal; doing so is very similar to what he was doing before. When his wife left him he went to his pastors looking for reassurance. He did research on the subject and read the Bible a lot. Why did he do this? Because he wanted to make sure that he was interpreting the Bible correctly and because he wanted to be right with God. You want the same things, it’s just that as a Catholic, you understand that God gave us the Church (rather than simply preachers and internet research) to help us figure out what God expects of us and whether or not we’re free to marry.

Hm, I never thought of it that way!

 

[katillac1]

You haven’t answered that question on this thread, and so I am wondering if you have answered it in your own heart.

Which question are you referring to?

 

[Lerin]

Do you believe in Church authority on this matter?

 

[Agripa]

The truly informed rational decision comes from understanding the faith and not from looking at statistics. Statistics in this case are used to present trends and not possible outcomes. She is not playing the roulette, she is looking into having a valid marriage in front of God.

Faith and reason are different ways to look at a problem. She needs to weigh each and look at the problem using each path.

A valid marriage is not simply a “by the book” process of checking off attributes, piety, religious identity, etc. Many religious people tend to downplay what the heart says in all of this - and yes, every marriage is a gamble, so she ought look at pure reason as well to see what likely outcomes might be. The link was one avenue to keeping an open mind.

It could be that reason alone may support the position that Catholics should only marry Catholics (and same for Jews, Muslims, etc) or that devout, pious people tend to have better marriages than those who are less so or not at all, but that is not always the case and statistics are one way to test this.

 

[katillac1]

"Do you believe in Church authority on this matter?

The authority part is where I am struggling. But moslty still with the once married, forever married part unless the Tribunal…
I’m still trying to get a handle on that.
Ok, I don’t think I have been explaining this right, my hard time comes with…
The marriage is invalid at the start.
God knows this already even if you don’t.
Why the Tribunal?
It just seems like an unneccessary formality.

It kinda goes along the same lines as the Church’s authority to absolve one of their sins. Unless I am interpreting it wrong, it just doesn’t seem neccessary when you can ask for God’s forgiveness yourself.

To answer your question, it is situations like these in the Church that I am having the hardest time with at the moment. Which is why I came here hoping for some help. And you all have been very helpful!

 

[whatevergirl]

"Do you believe in Church authority on this matter?

The authority part is where I am struggling. But moslty still with the once married, forever married part unless the Tribunal…
I’m still trying to get a handle on that.
Ok, I don’t think I have been explaining this right, my hard time comes with…
The marriage is invalid at the start.
God knows this already even if you don’t.
Why the Tribunal?
It just seems like an unneccessary formality.

It kinda goes along the same lines as the Church’s authority to absolve one of their sins. Unless I am interpreting it wrong, it just doesn’t seem neccessary when you can ask for God’s forgiveness yourself.

To answer your question, it is situations like these in the Church that I am having the hardest time with at the moment. Which is why I came here hoping for some help. And you all have been very helpful!

hi katillac;

I was somewhat where you are, about 6 years ago, with my faith…I didn’t understand certain doctrine, and confession was confusing. But, if you really look back in Scripture, Jesus gave the authority to forgive sins to men, His Apostles. There came a day when a lighbulb moment happened for me, and I said…‘I want to follow everything Christ gave to His followers…leaving nothing to chance.’ Yes, we can speak directly to God through prayer…but the priest isn’t absolving you, or the Church…it’s Christ speaking through the priest, who is absolving us. And not just that, you can receive wise counsel from priests during confession, to help you stay away from sin in the future. It’s been a great and humbling experience for me. But, keep seeking the Truth, and Jesus will answer. The fullness (nothing left out, watered down, removed, etc) of the faith can really and honestly be found in the Catholic Church.

You converted to Catholicism, what was it about our faith that attracted you?

 

[katillac1]

You converted to Catholicism, what was it about our faith that attracted you?

I actually was born Catholic, went to Catholic elementary school did Peer Ministry in High School, went to college and here I am.
Did I say that I was a convert somewhere?

And it’s good to hear your story!

 

[Lerin]

I understand your questions better now.

This is one area that you have to do reading, studying, praying and soul-searching. If you can’t accept the Church’s authority then of course these things will feel like a burden and formality. But if you DO accept the Church’s authority as Christ’s true established Church, then Her position may cause some sadness and stress… but you will ultimately be able to accept it.

I am a convert, 7 years ago. I was raised in a Protestant Sola Scriptura church, and even though my husband (then) was not religious and my family was extremely hostile to the Church… God called me, and I answered. I didn’t understand WHY the Church taught everything She did, but I did believe that there had to be some ultimate authority. I had been part of many churches, and seen the dangers of leaving matters of scripture to individual interpretation. I knew Jesus promised he would not leave us as orphans, but establish a Church that the gates of Hell couldn’t overcome. I had never seen such a Churchafter much searching… and all it took was one relative far away praying the Rosary for me for 40 days (had no idea it was happening or even that he was Catholic!) and I happened to watch a historical documentary on Fatima in that time. I started going to Inquiry at the local parish, scared out of my mind that of all places… maybe Christ was actually here in the Catholic Church!

Once I could truly believe and accept that this was Christ’s Church with legitimate authority, it made the rest easier. As I said, I didn’t understand WHY behind everything (esepcially on the issues surrounding contraception, sexuality, and the Pope) but I knew that Christ made a promise and didn’t break it. I just had to educate myself about the Church’s positions on these things that caused me to stumble and seek to understand.

Again, I am so sorry you are struggling. The Protestant arguments using Scripture (which the Catholic Church put together by the way, and can interpret on context and historical grounds instead of individual interpretations) sound compelling, but again… under what authority? There has to be a “final” word somewhere, or we are all just lost running around with our own opinions and life experiences clouding our views of what Christ was trying to say. I would recommend some reading to you, but it sounds like you already have many “assignments” from other posters.

Instead, I will be praying for you as someone prayed for me! I wish you peace and encourage you to persevere in hope.

 

[nodito]

The authority part is where I am struggling. But moslty still with the once married, forever married part unless the Tribunal… I’m still trying to get a handle on that.
Ok, I don’t think I have been explaining this right, my hard time comes with… The marriage is invalid at the start.
God knows this already even if you don’t.
Why the Tribunal?

It looks like you answered your own question! The Tribunal doesn’t tell God anything He doesn’t already know. God already knows right now whether your boyfriend’s marriage was valid. The Tribunal simply tells us. Otherwise, how are we to know for sure?

When two people marry, the Church sees this as a very serious commitment, one that can not be broken later for any reason. Even if one spouse is later unfaithful, the other spouse is still expected to remain true to the vows that he spoke, because wedding vows are unconditional. In other words, the couple doesn’t promise to love and honor each other unless one of them cheats or one of them gets really sick or someone better comes along.

So we assume that all vows spoken are valid. At the same time, however, the Church recognizes that some people attempt marriage when they’re not free to marry or when there are other impediments to marriage (for example, they don’t intend on ever having children). If this happens, the couple was never really married to begin with, although they might think that they were.

So what to do? On the one hand, we assume that all marriage vows are the real thing, unbreakable. On the other hand, we know that some attempted marriages never happen. So which are which?

God doesn’t want to to be lost and confused. Out of love for us, He gave us the Church. The Church provides the Tribunal to help us discover what God already knows. And, since Catholics take seriously the vow “till death do us part,” if your boyfriend’s vows were valid at the time of the ceremony, then no man or tribunal can break them.

katillac, it’s obvious that you’re taking these questions and concerns seriously, and I really admire that. This process, no matter how painful, is actually a good thing. You’re seeking the truth and learning more the requirements of marriage, which can only help you if and when you eventually get married, be it to this man or to another.

God bless!

 

[whatevergirl]

I actually was born Catholic, went to Catholic elementary school did Peer Ministry in High School, went to college and here I am.
Did I say that I was a convert somewhere?

And it’s good to hear your story!

lol–I thought you said you were a convert …holy cow, I’m blending too many threads in my head. lol Sorry!

I think that as long as you stay true to your faith, you will be happier in the end…because God gave us the Catholic Church as a gift…if somehow you can present it that way to your bf, it might go a longer way with him. I just encourage you to be true to your faith, and don’t compromise your faith for any man…he might be very special, but in the end, you will be more at peace by following your values and faith. Please keep us posted, and hopefully…we are helping.

 

[rubycanoe]

I don’t know. In my situation my husband is divorced and we married in the Catholic Church and he did NOT have to get an annulment.
I have always been Catholic. He was raised Lutheran. His first wife was Catholic but they did not get married in a Catholic Church or by a priest. So it was considered not valid because of that and so he didn’t get an annulment.
So I am not sure her boyfriend would need an annulment but I think she should talk to a priest and not just people on the internet to know for sure.

 

[MarionMac]

Gotcha, and if the tribunal does not grant an annulment? I guess there is no revisiting that topic? Where would that leave us? Does that force us into a marriage that the Church condemns or not one at all?
Thank you both for your help by the way.

Tread very warily. My daughter was in a similar position. The man she wanted to marry was unbaptised at the time of his first marriage which lasted weeks, not months. he became a catholic but the annulment was denied. Now they are both out of the church but trying to keep God in their marriage.

 

[noclevername]

Why does a *Protestant *have to get a *Catholic *annulment even though he wasn’t married in the church in the first place. Can he get a Protestant annulment and the Catholic church recognize it?

 

[Sillara]

Why does a *Protestant *have to get a *Catholic *annulment even though he wasn’t married in the church in the first place. Can he get a Protestant annulment and the Catholic church recognize it?

Usually I do not mention the terminology because, though incorrect, the difference is not important. Now it is.

The Catholic Church does not do “annulments.” It does “declarations of nullity.” A “declaration of nullity” is stating that there never was a marriage. It is NOT dissolving a marriage that did exist. If the marriage ever existed, then it still does. It is only if the marriage did not exist in the first place that the parties involved are free to marry.

Marriage is one of the sacraments which does not require a valid clergy for the sacrament to be valid. (Baptism is the other.) Marriage is conferred upon the parties by each other, not the priest.

The Catholic Church views Protestant marriages as valid; therefore, if they ever existed, then they still exist, whether the spouses still live together (or are still legally married).

 

[noclevername]

Usually I do not mention the terminology because, though incorrect, the difference is not important. Now it is.

The Catholic Church does not do “annulments.” It does “declarations of nullity.” A “declaration of nullity” is stating that there never was a marriage. It is NOT dissolving a marriage that did exist. If the marriage ever existed, then it still does. It is only if the marriage did not exist in the first place that the parties involved are free to marry.

Marriage is one of the sacraments which does not require a valid clergy for the sacrament to be valid. (Baptism is the other.) Marriage is conferred upon the parties by each other, not the priest.

The Catholic Church views Protestant marriages as valid; therefore, if they ever existed, then they still exist, whether the spouses still live together (or are still legally married).

I understand that but why does he have to get the annulment through the Catholic church? Why not get it through his church?

 

[agapewolf]

I understand that but why does he have to get the annulment through the Catholic church? Why not get it through his church?

First, hardly any other faiths, if at all do annulment investigations.

2nd, the Catholic church is about saving souls. The tribunal is thorough and have norms they follow…if someone is going to be Catholic or be married to one, then they need to follow the Catholic form for it. The tribunal does not want someone to marry someone who is already married. They can’t just “take their word for it” when it comes to this. It is very serious business. THey are protecting the Catholic in this case. This isn’t an international business transaction. This is about the physical realities that show invisible truths. The Catholic faith is the fullness of truth, and therefore shouldn’t expect any less when guarding the sacraments.

 

[truedichotomy]

Dont let the religious formalities revered and so keenly observed by others or even your own anger cloud your heart or your judgment.

Think carefully what the person and the relationship mean to you and follow your heart in this matter. Finding love - if its true and honest - will reflect God in your life.

This is the best advice on this particular matter I have read all day. Thank you.

 

[agapewolf]

This is the best advice on this particular matter I have read all day. Thank you.

This is actually the worst advice.

the annullment process is not just a “religious formality”. This is to keep people from commiting adultery. A person cannot marry 2 people (unless the first spouse dies).

“Following your heart” is another way of saying “follow your feelings”. This is how people have affairs, because it “feels” good. One should form their consceince in line with the Church’s teachings, and follow God’s will. Not themselves.

 

[MarionMac]

You profess to be Catholic, and that marrying in the Church is important to you and to your family. However, it seems that, and I don’t mean to offend here, that your faith formation and understanding of Church teachings in the area of marriage is seriously lacking.

The Catholic Church presumes that each and every marriage is entered into in good faith and with correct intentions by both parties. The Church presumes this even of non-Catholics. The Church also follows God’s own teachings regarding marriage; any marriage entered into freely, without impediment, CANNOT be dissolved, declared null, etc. A civil divorce only dissolves the legal contract but does not have any effect on a valid marriage; that is where the tribunal comes in. As God himself has not, to my knowledge, issued a declaration of nullity for anyone, the tribunal, with the authority of His Church behind it, investigates the circumstances of a marriage at the time of the wedding to determine if any impediment existed.

Now, from what you have mentioned about his wife (and she is still presumed to be that in the eyes of the Church until proven otherwise) it may well be that there was, indeed, some impediment to a true, valid marriage. Also, if he was quite young, and indeed felt pressured, then that, also, could result in a decree of nullity.

So, take some of the good and accurate advice other posters have given and, if your Catholic faith is truly important to you, aim your friend in the direction of your parish priest.