What is a reasonable time-line for discerning the ending of a relationship?

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PatrickSebast

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I recently started dating a girl who was a relatively close friend and long story short I don’t really feel like she is making any effort in the relationship. I have to initiate all physical affection (and there isn’t really any receptive body language). She doesn’t offer alternatives when I ask her to do something and she is busy (which is extremely often as she is a full-time teacher, grad student, and part-time waitress). And a couple of other minor issues, but nothing that would really bother me if it weren’t for the two above.

Long story short I don’t even know WHY we are dating, or calling it dating. The only thing that seems to have changed in our relationship is that we now send texts on a daily basis, I have a larger obligation to pay for things when going out someplace, and I invest more personal time and emotions into figuring her out/wooing her (spent several hours preparing a meal for and planning Valentine’s day, currently building her a coffee table for her birthday in early April).

So pretty much it has been a month and a half and I am starting to get exhausted with the whole thing, as I don’t really feel a lot in the way of reciprocal investment.

Is it reasonable for me to simply end the relationship now, realizing that it will probably damage a long-term friendship and hurt her substantially? I could wait it out and see if she simply has a slow warm-up period (I don’t really know her dating history). I could also talk to her about it and see if that fixes anything, but I’m not even sure if it is really a good idea to continue a relationship on the basis that someone might stop acting a certain way if you asked them to.

My heart says to give it more time and try my best not to hurt this girl. My head is telling me that this whole thing is draining me emotionally and that it isn’t healthy to go on.

Honestly I probably won’t follow any advice here anyway, despite my intent, since emotions will get in the way and cause me to make silly decisions, but it would still be nice to hear it.
 
LOL… I do admire your honesty! 😃

… well, at least on anonymous web forums…

Yeah, it’s time to be honest in real life… you have *questions *regarding the relationship and true relationships deserve *ANSWERS *to those questions.

I’m not going to give you advice either way… but I do think you need to open up the communication a bit more in order to find out that answer for yourself. 👍

Good luck and prayers that this resolves for you (either way) soon! 🙂
 
Ummm, question - please don’t take as an accusation, because that’s why I’m asking so I don’t get it wrong - but when you talk of “initiating physical affection” what exactly are you referring to? :confused: Is this relationship a chaste one?
 
I’d talk to her, but honestly… this relationship sounds like a drag.
 
If what you are describing is true, she doesn’t seem to have sentimental emotion for you. If this is the case, then it won’t be a big deal to end this and your friendship will be ok. I would just talk with her and ask her what she feels about your current relationship is and if she would prefer just be friend instead?

If she wants to be friend only, i would keep my distance a little bit to have time to mourn this relationship and get back on my feet.

It is possible to have friendship relationship with the opposite sex but typically, it doesn’t quite work.

All the best!
 
3DOCTORS said:
Ummm, question - please don’t take as an accusation, because that’s why I’m asking so I don’t get it wrong - but when you talk of “initiating physical affection” what exactly are you referring to? :confused: Is this relationship a chaste one?
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Yes it is chaste. I mean like hugging, hand-holding, kissing and such. A more clear example is that when I am leaving she often has her body turned away from me to the point where I feel like I am going to make her uncomfortable by going for a good-bye hug. We have also only kissed once in the month in a half and only because I ignored body language and went for it because I was afraid she just wasn’t good at broadcasting and that I would hurt her by not making an attempt after our Valentines date. And while she didn’t turn away or avoid it, it didn’t really go well either so I backed off on it.
 
Honestly? It sounds like she’s just not that into you. Sometimes people pull away and become chronically “unavailable” in an effort to get the other person to end the relationship. This is either because they don’t want to handle it themselves or feel the other person would be too upset about getting “dumped.” You say you don’t want to hurt this girl - well, what if she doesn’t want to hurt you either?

If this girl were crazy about you, her studying would be suffering - not your relationship.
 
PatrickSebast said:
I recently started dating a girl who was a relatively close friend and long story short I don’t really feel like she is making any effort in the relationship. I have to initiate all physical affection (and there isn’t really any receptive body language). She doesn’t offer alternatives when I ask her to do something and she is busy (which is extremely often as she is a full-time teacher, grad student, and part-time waitress). And a couple of other minor issues, but nothing that would really bother me if it weren’t for the two above.

Long story short I don’t even know WHY we are dating, or calling it dating. The only thing that seems to have changed in our relationship is that we now send texts on a daily basis, I have a larger obligation to pay for things when going out someplace, and I invest more personal time and emotions into figuring her out/wooing her (spent several hours preparing a meal for and planning Valentine’s day, currently building her a coffee table for her birthday in early April).

So pretty much it has been a month and a half and I am starting to get exhausted with the whole thing, as I don’t really feel a lot in the way of reciprocal investment.

Is it reasonable for me to simply end the relationship now, realizing that it will probably damage a long-term friendship and hurt her substantially? I could wait it out and see if she simply has a slow warm-up period (I don’t really know her dating history). I could also talk to her about it and see if that fixes anything, but I’m not even sure if it is really a good idea to continue a relationship on the basis that someone might stop acting a certain way if you asked them to.

My heart says to give it more time and try my best not to hurt this girl. My head is telling me that this whole thing is draining me emotionally and that it isn’t healthy to go on.

Honestly I probably won’t follow any advice here anyway, despite my intent, since emotions will get in the way and cause me to make silly decisions, but it would still be nice to hear it.
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As tempting as it may be to follow your heart, no-one has the energy for a relationship that has become a “drain”. Relationships should be a source of joy and life for both. If this one is “draining” you, trust your head, get out before the price gets higher.

Your heart gets you into trouble; your head is designed to get you out.

ICXC NIKA
 
I’d also say that you probably can’t avoid some hurt to her, and there may be no way of going back to “normal friendship.”. Normal friendship is like 2 balls of yarn; a relationship is like a knitted scarf. You can’t easily regain the neatly separate balls of yarn once the knitting comes apart.

But staying together just to not hurt her won’t work. It will hurt both even more when it collapses on its own.

ICXC NIKA
 
Sometimes people get so used to each other that they fall into these relationships because they are easy and don’t put any effort into them. You sound like the kind of man that woman are praying to meet and you are in a relationship with a friend who is extremely busy. Actually, if possible, try to imagine if a good friend of yours told you this story about their relationship what would you think? What people have already told you, what you have expressed yourself, she just is not into this. Why not be a good friend and call her on it. I would suggest that you take a break and agree to talk after the break. Why would you pursue this any longer, would you want a marriage that was like this?
 
I think the word ‘draining’ says it all. Time to move on. 😉
 
JackieMom said:
Honestly? It sounds like she’s just not that into you. Sometimes people pull away and become chronically “unavailable” in an effort to get the other person to end the relationship. This is either because they don’t want to handle it themselves or feel the other person would be too upset about getting “dumped.” You say you don’t want to hurt this girl - well, what if she doesn’t want to hurt you either?

If this girl were crazy about you, her studying would be suffering - not your relationship.
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This is actually kind of relieving to hear, even if I already sort of knew it. Still it is sort of sad that I am actually glad to hear it. I really wish this could have worked out, but I can’t imagine turning it around.
 
Have you had a conversation with her about any of this? Perhaps she moves more slowly into a relationship than you do. If you haven’t, it doesn’t seem completely fair to blame her for doing things if she isn’t aware they bother you.

That’s not to say that you’re obligated to continue the relationship, if you really do feel it’s not headed where you want, or that your affection isn’t reciprocated. But since this woman has been your friend, and you do care about her, it wouldn’t hurt to let her know how you’ve been feeling and see what she has to say about it. If her response isn’t one you can live with, that’s okay, but it’s worth a conversation at least.
 
PatrickSebast said:
This is actually kind of relieving to hear, even if I already sort of knew it. Still it is sort of sad that I am actually glad to hear it. I really wish this could have worked out, but I can’t imagine turning it around.
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It happens man. She’s not that into you but the good news is that you don’t seem terribly into her either. I’m sure if her attitude was different yours might be as well, but you’re not obsessing over her or anything and desperately clinging on. That’s a good sign of a pretty well-adjusted person.

Shrug your shoulders, tell her the deal and do your best to part relationship-wise while remaining cordial and even friendly.
 
Lorelei12 said:
Have you had a conversation with her about any of this? Perhaps she moves more slowly into a relationship than you do. If you haven’t, it doesn’t seem completely fair to blame her for doing things if she isn’t aware they bother you.

That’s not to say that you’re obligated to continue the relationship, if you really do feel it’s not headed where you want, or that your affection isn’t reciprocated. But since this woman has been your friend, and you do care about her, it wouldn’t hurt to let her know how you’ve been feeling and see what she has to say about it. If her response isn’t one you can live with, that’s okay, but it’s worth a conversation at least.
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Fair enough. I guess my main concern is I feel that while, as her friend, I owe her that much I may not be strong/sensible enough to end the relationship if she gets upset and apologetic, even if I don’t think she is going to change.
 
I have the experience of being CRAZY busy in school while dating. My husband and I had known each other for perhaps 11 years when we started dating. But we didn’t realize we were dating for a few months. At some point, I emailed him and laid my cards on the table about how I felt this was more than “just friends” and needed to know if he felt the same way. Even finally once we called it dating officially, it was nearly 8 weeks before we kissed for the first time.

One person commented that if she was into you, her studies would be suffering not the relationship. I’m a strong introvert, so if I only knew someone 6 weeks, we wouldn’t be anywhere near kissing, or anything other than friendly hugs. My studies did suffer at times when dating, but also sometimes so did our relationship.

So, my opinion is that your first step needs to be to talk to her about how she feels about the relationship and where it might go. If she’s worth waiting for, she’s worth waiting for. My sister teased us in her speech at our wedding that my handsome prince had come along…14 years ago…I just didn’t realize it for a while.
 
Monicad said:
Please don’t put pressure on yourself to officially end the relationship, it sounds as if that is your dilemna. After six weeks I see no need to make a statement that the relationship is now over romantically…give yourself some leeway here, it’s acceptable (in my opinion) to just pull back gradually. Don’t call her as often, don’t go to hug or kiss her when you see her, just start to put a little space between the two of you. That way it may be possible to continue on as friends.
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Yes, it’s only been six weeks. If the OP is the only one planning events or dates or whatever, then just don’t plan them. I would wait for the “big talk” until or if she asks what happened.
 
Monicad said:
Please don’t put pressure on yourself to officially end the relationship, it sounds as if that is your dilemma. After six weeks I see no need to make a statement that the relationship is now over romantically…give yourself some leeway here, it’s acceptable (in my opinion) to just pull back gradually. Don’t call her as often, don’t go to hug or kiss her when you see her, just start to put a little space between the two of you. That way it may be possible to continue on as friends.

.
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This sounds like really good advice. Just stop doing the romantic things, maybe she won’t even notice. Let her initiate events/outings. If she brings it up, you can explain you felt it wasn’t that important to her, so you backed off.
 
Viki63 said:
This sounds like really good advice. Just stop doing the romantic things, maybe she won’t even notice. Let her initiate events/outings. If she brings it up, you can explain you felt it wasn’t that important to her, so you backed off.
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That actually sounds really passive aggressive to me…
 
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