What is the holy response in our marriage?

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Everyone seems very focused on the messy house but that is really a minor example I gave. The kids have daily and weekly chores so the house stays in reasonable shape most of the time. It’s just that it is done without her contributing most of the time (except occassionally to criticize how someone else did a chore) which I think has led the girls in the house to have the same attitude as her towards cleaning.

I have been making sure religious ed happens for years. If I wasn’t insisting on setting aside time each Sunday and finding programs for the kids, they wouldn’t be learning anything.

The biggest issue is her detachment from the kids. She has always been reluctant to do things with them, teach them her talents, answer their questions, help when they are hurt.

Homework help? That’s me. Scraped knee? That’s me. A question about when mom can take a kid to the store when mom IS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME? The question still comes to me. Twenty years of telling kids to ask mom for things when we’re in the car and I’m driving? Still me. Any life advice? That’s me. “When can we go shoe shopping since my shoes are a size too small and I’m getting blisters? I’ve already asked mom four times and she says she’ll get to it but it’s been months.”

My wife almost always reactes as if the kids are imposing on her when they ask her anything. I just happened across an old chat conversation I had with her seven years ago where she was complaining about the kids not liking her and how she felt like they only saw her as the disciplinarian (which is funny, since her discipline consists of yelling at kids to stop doing things). I told her back then that she needed to stop treating the kids like they were always disturbing her and start doing things with them. Well, here we are seven years later with older kids who have fled the house because of her treatment of them.

A neat house? That’s small potatoes.

We’re going to work on her possible depression which I pray will help address some of this, but I didn’t want to leave this conversation with the impression that I’m at wits end because she doesn’t clean house.
 
Yes, twice since I first posted. We have tried to maintain somewhat regular date nights (a couple of times a month). And if you were also implying making love, no. She’s never been much interested in that so I don’t even bother trying for reasons I mentioned above.

Date nights are great but don’t fix any problems. It’s kind of like taking pain killers for chronic back pain. They give a temporary relief but you know that your back is still broken.
 
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That is good.

Remembering that you love each other by spending time together is far more than nothing.

I’d suggest the book “Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly.
 
catholic34 said:
My wife almost always reactes as if the kids are imposing on her when they ask her anything. I just happened across an old chat conversation I had with her seven years ago where she was complaining about the kids not liking her and how she felt like they only saw her as the disciplinarian (which is funny, since her discipline consists of yelling at kids to stop doing things). I told her back then that she needed to stop treating the kids like they were always disturbing her and start doing things with them. Well, here we are seven years later with older kids who have fled the house because of her treatment of them.
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Your description of your wife and your kids sounds like a pathology to me–something is not right with your wife. This isn’t normal at all, and it’s not just a “personality flaw” or “quirk” or “besetting sin.”

Something has caused her to detach from her children. This is NOT normal. We don’t know what the “something” is—that’s a job for a good, caring psychiatrist to figure out and work through with your wife. It almost sounds like post-partum depression that was never diagnosed or treated, even though your kids are far away from being babies. But again, diagnosing the pathology is the job of the professional, not strangers.

I don’t think anything you do or say will modify her behavior or attitude towards your kids. SOMETHING isn’t right here, and we can’t even begin to speculate. Again, that’s a professional’s job. I do hope that you are seeking out a good psychiatrist for your wife, with her cooperation, of course.

I think it would be a good idea to take your kids out to a fairly private place for a few hours and have a serious talk with them about their mother, and assure them that you and she are working on her mental and emotional health. Assure them that she loves them, but doesn’t know how to show it or act it. Tell them that they need to be respectful with her and very patient and understanding, as she has some problems that require more help than you or the kids can give her.

I think it would help your kids to know that their mother is not well, rather than thinking that their mother doesn’t like them.
 
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Yeah, reading your post, it’s clearly the kids you were most worried about. I don’t know how you’d begin to help her fix her relationship with them, but it is encouraging that she’s spending time with the youngest.
 
20 years of having kids.

How many do you have? You must have a 20 year old at least.

How many other kids and what are their ages?
 
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Peeps said:
I think it would be a good idea to take your kids out to a fairly private place for a few hours and have a serious talk with them about their mother, and assure them that you and she are working on her mental and emotional health. Assure them that she loves them, but doesn’t know how to show it or act it. Tell them that they need to be respectful with her and very patient and understanding, as she has some problems that require more help than you or the kids can give her .
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No, no, no, no, no.

We are hearing ONE side of the story.

If both of the couple gets into therapy and the therapist suggests talking this way to the children, that is the only way it ought be done.

This is a conversation they will never forget, and if it is done without professional guidance, it will cause more pain. Diagnosing this woman based on a few internet words is in violation of both charity and the forum rules.
 
I agree with @TheLittleLady. This sounds too much like going behind the spouses back and talking secretly about the other. That is not a good or charitable thing to do.
 
This isn’t to replace any of the other recommendations, but in addition you could pray/meditate on Our Lady’s Seven Sorrows. One of the promises granting peace in families.

Devotion to Our Lady became a standard devotion in the Church around the 14th century. It was revealed to St. Bridget of Sweden (1303-1373) that devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary’s Seven Sorrows would bring great signal graces. The devotion consists in praying seven Hail Mary’s while meditating on the Seven Sorrows of Mary.

Mary, in a unique way, willingly suffered alongside her Divine Son as he gave his life to save the world, and she felt the bitterness of his passion as only a mother can. This devotion is especially remembered during September, the Month of Our Lady of Sorrows (the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows is September 15th), and during the season of Lent.

The Seven Sorrows of Mary:
  1. The Prophecy of Simeon (Luke 2:34-35)
  2. The Flight into Egypt (Matthew 2:13-21)
  3. The Loss of Jesus for Three Days (Luke 2:41-50)
  4. The Carrying of the Cross (John 19:17)
  5. The Crucifixion of Jesus (John 19:18-30)
  6. Jesus Taken Down from the Cross (John 19:39-40)
  7. Jesus Laid in the Tomb (John 19:39-42)
The Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows is September 15th

Seven Promises to those who meditate on Our Lady’s Seven Sorrows:

The Blessed Virgin Mary grants seven graces to the souls who honor her daily by meditating (i.e. mental prayer) on her seven sorrows (dolors). The Hail Mary is prayed seven times, once after each meditation.
  1. “I will grant peace to their families.”
  2. “They will be enlightened about the Divine Mysteries.”
  3. "I will console them in their pains and I will accompany them in their work.”
  4. “I will give them as much as they ask for as long as it does not oppose the adorable will of my Divine Son or the sanctification of their souls.”
  5. “I will defend them in their spiritual battles with the infernal enemy and I will protect them at every instant of their lives.”
  6. "I will visibly help them at the moment of their death. They will see the face of their Mother.”
  7. “I have obtained this grace from my divine Son, that those who propagate this devotion to my tears and dolors, will be taken directly from this earthly life to eternal happiness since all their sins will be forgiven and my Son and I will be their eternal consolation and joy.”
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s been very helpful.
 
Suggestion: Look into Retrouaville. It’s a retreat for Catholics who are struggling in their marriages.
 
TheLittleLady said:
No, no, no, no, no.

We are hearing ONE side of the story.

If both of the couple gets into therapy and the therapist suggests talking this way to the children, that is the only way it ought be done.

This is a conversation they will never forget, and if it is done without professional guidance, it will cause more pain. Diagnosing this woman based on a few internet words is in violation of both charity and the forum rules.
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Yes, you’re right. Thank you for bringing this to the OPs attention.
 
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