What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[mom24boys]

Do you have any sons? One day it could happen to you… I think Jesus would want you to treat your mother-in-law as you would want to be treated. It really is the botom line.

I have four sons. I hope to never behave like the OP. All of her examples of how she is mistreated basically sound petty. My children are young, but from observing extended family and friends I think that as a mother of boys, you have to expect that when they grow up and marry, it is the wife that will set the tone for the new family unit. I think that daughters tend to parent and form their own families much like their mothers. Mothers of sons are a bit out of luck when it comes to having any great influence over their son’s families (other than teaching their sons to be kind and loving husbands, which is important). Being the mom of boys, I’m already expecting that I will probably have to expect some big differences in how my future daughter-in-laws “run” their families. I believe it will be my job to be loving and accepting and probably bite my tongue alot.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Well.

Personally, I think that ‘to each his own’ when it comes to an individual’s comfort level regarding life altering events…I see nothing wrong with a person choosing to remain private after giving birth, nor a person who feels gregarious enough to let the whole world in for a visit.

People choose to have small, intimate weddings, or large, breathtaking blow outs!

I was the DIL in a very awkward situation…my main crime seemed to be that I was ‘from the North’ and he and his whole family were ‘from the South’. I won’t tell that whole story, but suffice to say that during that whole time of being married, none of my family’s traditions mattered, none of my ‘Northern’ recipes were good enough, and I was not even allowed to cook, ever, for any gatherings. I dreaded visiting because of the criticism of everything I did, and kept myself busy outside or at the pool. Even my daughter was considered ‘theirs’.

I don’t know how the OP may have treated her DIL over the years, but I agree with the poster who noted that the son seems to have chosen to make the subject of his wife and marriage a non-topic to his own mother speaks volumes. He is sending a message but it’s not getting through. He does not want to discuss this with the OP. He avoids even the phone calls from his parents.

It sounds as though the entire family is being dragged into ill will towards the son. I wonder, how would the OP feel if their marriage fell apart and the grandchildren had to live in that broken home? Does the OP think that her son would come running home, and all would be as it was?

This son is a man. He has made his family life with his wife his priority. They attend Mass. They are trying to have a good life. As the matriarch of the family, the OP should not be gossiping to other children about her son. She should simply pray for him AND his wife and love the family she DOES have a relationship with.

And when he does call…rejoice, and let him talk! If the OP claims, “I am not a pinata” then let go of all that negativity you’re stuffing yourself with and come down from that branch! That’s the best way to avoid being hit by a stick…

 

[ryecroft]

Do you have any sons? One day it could happen to you… I think Jesus would want you to treat your mother-in-law as you would want to be treated. It really is the botom line.

Actually, I believe the bottom line is that this is his family so it’s his decision - Of course I never hope this happens with me - but this is my husband’s side of the family not mine and I’m not about to go against his wishes. Perhaps one day things will get better but any time I’ve tried to bring it up he has made himself clear. I believe it’s a sad saituation but I’m not going to get into a fight with my husband regarding HIS mother - as I mentioned, I did try to help things along, but this is a decision I believe he needs to make, not me. My husband has made it clear that he doesn’t want his mother or brother’s family to have anything to do with us. What am I supposed to do, go behind his back or lie about seeing or doing things with his family? Anyway we live quite a distance a way - He has asked me not to send any cards or gifts (when his grandmother died I did send mass cards) but I agree when he says it’s his decision to decide what he wants to do about HIS family (that side). I tried to be a peacemaker before with this and I’m not about to jump into that snakepit again. Bottom line, I don’t want this to happen to the OP - I do pray for his family and I believe God will lead him to handle this somewhat differently in time- (this in no way means I feel he has made a wrong decision currently) God Bless
Rye

 

[Seatuck]

Wow, this is like a train wreck. I try and stay away, but it keeps calling me back. Says bad things about me, I know.

So, someone asked for a man’s opinion; I’ll have to suffice.

What I see is a man who has made a decision between his wife and his mother. Why he had to make that decision is not within our understanding given what we’ve been told. It’s obvious that there is extreme tension between his mother and his wife. He either won’t or can’t make the peace, so he’s had to choose sides. He chose his wife - as he must, in the end. Still, he seems to be trying not to actually crush his mother by telling her. He does what he can, when he can, but does not make any effort to heal the hurts. It probably has been too long with too many battles.

He has a wife and children that must be his top priority; his mother is destined to be second - at best. Perhaps, and I’m just conjecturing, he doesn’t like her carping and whining either and is just as happy to be free of a cancer-ridden relationship. I’ve seen no milk of human kindness in anything the OP writes, so I’m wondering what the real keys are to this story.

What man wants to be the referee between his wife and his mother? It’s a lose-lose-lose-lose for him. If he loves his wife, he is probaly resentful of the way she is treated. That’s not to say he doesn’t love his mother, but it’s not the same. He doesn’t have to make a life with his mother; he doesn’t have to raise children, attent church, deal with school, make a budget, romance or do anything of real significance with his mother. His wife, on the other hand, is part of every one of those areas.

He may deeply love his mother, but be unwilling to watch the two women in his life bicker. The easy way out is to get much distance, physical and emotional, from the mother.

Frankly, the wife has won the war. There is nothing the mother can do. Well, not as things stand. If she wants what she claims she wants, she’d better humble herself and figure out how to do most of the repair work in the relationship.

I agree.

 

[Seatuck]

Well.

Personally, I think that ‘to each his own’ when it comes to an individual’s comfort level regarding life altering events…I see nothing wrong with a person choosing to remain private after giving birth, nor a person who feels gregarious enough to let the whole world in for a visit.

People choose to have small, intimate weddings, or large, breathtaking blow outs!

I was the DIL in a very awkward situation…my main crime seemed to be that I was ‘from the North’ and he and his whole family were ‘from the South’. I won’t tell that whole story, but suffice to say that during that whole time of being married, none of my family’s traditions mattered, none of my ‘Northern’ recipes were good enough, and I was not even allowed to cook, ever, for any gatherings. I dreaded visiting because of the criticism of everything I did, and kept myself busy outside or at the pool. Even my daughter was considered ‘theirs’.

I don’t know how the OP may have treated her DIL over the years, but I agree with the poster who noted that the son seems to have chosen to make the subject of his wife and marriage a non-topic to his own mother speaks volumes. He is sending a message but it’s not getting through. He does not want to discuss this with the OP. He avoids even the phone calls from his parents.

It sounds as though the entire family is being dragged into ill will towards the son. I wonder, how would the OP feel if their marriage fell apart and the grandchildren had to live in that broken home? Does the OP think that her son would come running home, and all would be as it was?

This son is a man. He has made his family life with his wife his priority. They attend Mass. They are trying to have a good life. As the matriarch of the family, the OP should not be gossiping to other children about her son. She should simply pray for him AND his wife and love the family she DOES have a relationship with.

And when he does call…rejoice, and let him talk! If the OP claims, “I am not a pinata” then let go of all that negativity you’re stuffing yourself with and come down from that branch! That’s the best way to avoid being hit by a stick…

I agree