What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[kage_ar]

I wouldn’t expect him to become best friends with my parents.

You keep saying “best friend” - that is something for unrelated people to be. Friends are friends, family is family.

Your husband’s family becomes your family, your family becomes your husband’s family.

My husband will call my mom to check on her, just to chat - they will sometimes sit and have hour long phone conversations, just visiting - like family does. Nothing warms my heart like seeing my husband and my mom have a loving mother/son relationship.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

You keep saying “best friend” - that is something for unrelated people to be. Friends are friends, family is family.

Your husband’s family becomes your family, your family becomes your husband’s family.

My husband will call my mom to check on her, just to chat - they will sometimes sit and have hour long phone conversations, just visiting - like family does. Nothing warms my heart like seeing my husband and my mom have a loving mother/son relationship.

That is a really nice thing to read.

 

[aicirt]

Being an introvert is not something that gets diagnosed by professionals, it’s just a word used to describe a person who “just doesn’t want to be involved”. It’s my nature not to want to participate in social activities. I have much more fun reading a book or watching a movie than I do hanging out with people.

Boyfriends are sometimes the exception, as are a few close friends. But I have no interest at all in developing relationships with the parents of boyfriends or friends. I see it as a boring chore, and a general waste of my time. I just don’t want to be involved.

(I didn’t list my religion because I didn’t want to put personal information in the profile.)

You are candid and honest. Seem to know yourself very well. Hope you are upfront with your feelings when you meet Mr. Right. You really need to let him know he isn’t going to change you.

 

[kage_ar]

After 11 pages of advice, I am wondering what OP has decided to do to change her end of things. Did any suggestions jump out at you?

I am taking volunteers to become her surrogate DIL’s and give her only the appropriate amount of grief

 

[maryjk]

Then don’t get married…or if you do, marry someone exactly like you. Become a hermit.
Wow. Just wow. Now I DEFINITELY pray my sons never marry someone like you (not that they would, as they are all very social and love to participate in social activities. They are all outgoing and FUN people! I imagine if you ever had kids, you would not want to be bothered to meet any other parents and develop friendships for your kid’s sake either,since being friends is such a “boring chore”.)
I genuinely feel sorry for you. Please see a counselor.

Come on. My husband was like flyingfish. In fact he was totally bowled over when he came to my parents house at Christmas. They had presents and a stocking full of stuff for him. They had music playing, and everyone laughing, joking and eating. It was a party.

When we went to his parents house. The TV was on, muted. Everyone sat down for dinner, then opened their one, maybe two gifts. Then they were done. It felt, to me, almost like a funeral.

Now, my husband and I have a son. Our house is the party. In fact, the couple of times his parents came over, they looked at us like we were nuts.

My husband tells me that I am the reason for him meeting and making friends with so many people. The same can happen to flyingfish.

 

[dulcissima]

You keep saying “best friend” - that is something for unrelated people to be. Friends are friends, family is family.

Your husband’s family becomes your family, your family becomes your husband’s family.

My husband will call my mom to check on her, just to chat - they will sometimes sit and have hour long phone conversations, just visiting - like family does. Nothing warms my heart like seeing my husband and my mom have a loving mother/son relationship.

That’s nice that they have that kind of relationship, but not everyone is going to be able to just jump into that. I would love to be the kind of person that could do that, but it is just not me. Fortunately, my former mother in law never expected that and my boyfriend’s mother doesn’t expect that. She just enjoys having me over for dinner, the occasional email exchange, and a couple of weekends we met, just the two of us and did a tour of historic houses and lunch together, which was totally enjoyable.

I literally fill with panic when my boyfriend hands the phone to his mom so we can “talk”. Luckily, she knows that and keeps it to a bare minimum. I would love to be the kind of person who wouldn’t cringe at that, but that is who I am. It is nice though because it seems like his mom gets who I am and I get who she is. My boyfriend says that I am the only person he has ever seen EVER that his mom will let help in the kitchen. So, it just seems nice that we can work it out and meet each other where we are at. I would hate it if she tried forcing me into being her idea of what I should be and I am sure she would hate it if I did the same to her.

 

[st_lucy]

Come on. My husband was like flyingfish. In fact he was totally bowled over when he came to my parents house at Christmas. They had presents and a stocking full of stuff for him. They had music playing, and everyone laughing, joking and eating. It was a party.

When we went to his parents house. The TV was on, muted. Everyone sat down for dinner, then opened their one, maybe two gifts. Then they were done. It felt, to me, almost like a funeral.

Now, my husband and I have a son. Our house is the party. In fact, the couple of times his parents came over, they looked at us like we were nuts.

My husband tells me that I am the reason for him meeting and making friends with so many people. The same can happen to flyingfish.

Thank you for posting this. I think that most post are being to hard on flyingfish. She is being honest about herself, and if anyone knows anyone who is interverted they could/would understand where she is coming and from.

Flyingfish, I am sure God has someone just in mind for you and you guys wont have to become hermits.

 

[aicirt]

Your answer there was that you felt better after venting.

So as far as you can see, there is no need for change on your end of things?

Maryjk…there were 10 paragraphs to my post #131 not just the one you quoted. Where it says “I’m not a pinata” says it.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

Wow, this is like a train wreck. I try and stay away, but it keeps calling me back. Says bad things about me, I know.

So, someone asked for a man’s opinion; I’ll have to suffice.

What I see is a man who has made a decision between his wife and his mother. Why he had to make that decision is not within our understanding given what we’ve been told. It’s obvious that there is extreme tension between his mother and his wife. He either won’t or can’t make the peace, so he’s had to choose sides. He chose his wife - as he must, in the end. Still, he seems to be trying not to actually crush his mother by telling her. He does what he can, when he can, but does not make any effort to heal the hurts. It probably has been too long with too many battles.

He has a wife and children that must be his top priority; his mother is destined to be second - at best. Perhaps, and I’m just conjecturing, he doesn’t like her carping and whining either and is just as happy to be free of a cancer-ridden relationship. I’ve seen no milk of human kindness in anything the OP writes, so I’m wondering what the real keys are to this story.

What man wants to be the referee between his wife and his mother? It’s a lose-lose-lose-lose for him. If he loves his wife, he is probaly resentful of the way she is treated. That’s not to say he doesn’t love his mother, but it’s not the same. He doesn’t have to make a life with his mother; he doesn’t have to raise children, attent church, deal with school, make a budget, romance or do anything of real significance with his mother. His wife, on the other hand, is part of every one of those areas.

He may deeply love his mother, but be unwilling to watch the two women in his life bicker. The easy way out is to get much distance, physical and emotional, from the mother.

Frankly, the wife has won the war. There is nothing the mother can do. Well, not as things stand. If she wants what she claims she wants, she’d better humble herself and figure out how to do most of the repair work in the relationship.

 

[maryjk]

Maryjk…there were 10 paragraphs to my post #131 not just the one you quoted. Where it says “I’m not a pinata” says it.

The question was, do you see anything that you need to do on your end.

From the 10 paragraph post, the only thing that qualified as an answer was what I posted. After all of this, you really don’t see that you need to do anything.

That may be the case. Your DIL may be the worst human being on the face of the earth and being her MIL is like being the MIL to the devil himself. I don’t know.

But unless YOU do something different, chances are, things will not change. Because I bet she doesn’t see a problem with how things are now. It may be okay with you as well. But the fact that you were willing to come here and talk about it makes me think that you want the situation to change.

Something that is a common saying around our house is, “if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.” and " doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of crazy." I am sure very famous people said them first, but we say them now.

If you want different results, you need to change what you are doing.

 

[AshleyBelle]

Love is a choice. Sometimes simply making the decision to love another person, no matter what the circumstances, makes all the difference in the world. And the best part, is that when we truly love, not for what we get in return or for any other reason than simply because we CHOOSE to, it can be a powerful thing on the hearts of others around us.

 

[tweetymom]

Love is a choice. Sometimes simply making the decision to love another person, no matter what the circumstances, makes all the difference in the world. And the best part, is that when we truly love, not for what we get in return or for any other reason than simply because we CHOOSE to, it can be a powerful thing on the hearts of others around us.

AMEN

 

[Norseman82]

This thread is why I always joke that I will marry an orphan.

Is that an offer?

 

[flyingfish]

You are candid and honest. Seem to know yourself very well. Hope you are upfront with your feelings when you meet Mr. Right. You really need to let him know he isn’t going to change you.

I never pretend to be someone else. That I’m an introvert is obvious to everyone that knows me. None of my boyfriends have ever had a problem with it, none of them cared that I didn’t want to hang out with their families. They all enjoyed our mostly one-on-one time together.

But to return to your OP, it is a bit unusual for your son’s wife not to attend a wedding. Weddings are so rare, that even someone who hates socializing can force herself to go. You mentioned something before about how her mother called her a liar. Did you ever make an issue of it? Did you disapprove of your son’s marriage to her? Does she know this? I mean, if that happened, that could well be why she stays away.

If you know that your MIL didn’t want you to marry her son, why on earth would you ever involve her in your life? If this is the kind of thing that’s behind her not wanting you around, you need to try to find away to fix it. Maybe there is no way to fix it, as some people never forget.

 

[Arlene]

it is a bit unusual for your son’s wife not to attend a wedding. Weddings are so rare, that even someone who hates socializing can force herself to go.

Not quite so unusual if you remember that they would have to fly. There are 4 children. Airfare for 5 extra people? Dragging 4 kids to a wedding? Most weddings I’ve been to have not been very child friendly. Not much fun to go to a wedding and spend the better part of your time herding kids. Leave them home? What are the odds of finding someone to watch your 4 kids for several days? Sometimes logistics just makes things impossible. Under the circumstances, it makes a lot of sense for the husband to just go by himself.

 

[anna1978]

I agree with Arlene, that must cost a fortune to fly out a large family across country for a wedding! We live in Britain, but can’t afford to DRIVE 6 or 7 hours to attend a wedding (as it would mean staying in a hotel overnight) and have said a few times ‘Thanks for the invite, but sorry…’ and people understand! Even my Irish in-laws!

I think the OP has ‘more’ of an axe to grind with the DIL, it can’t just be those ‘little’ things, that would just be petty! Who cares about a fruit-basket or something…There MUST be more to it!

As for ‘flyfish’: being introvert and knowing your own mind is FINE, we can’t all be outgoing party-animals, you be true to yourself and the right man WILL appreciate your transparancy and honesty!

 

[Janechantal53]

Dear aicirt,
I hate to admit that I understand what you are feeling. It is a painful source of shame for me and one that I do not share with others. The old maxim, “A son is a son until he takes a wife…”, is so true. Obviously not for all but for enough of us mothers. I don’t have any excuses or explanations. I thought that I was a good mother and have always been proud of the way my son turned out. I have no idea what happened and leave it in God’s hands. I will add you to my prayers. :sad_yes:

 

[heathernoel]

I am flustered here. I feel for you…it must be difficult. But from her perspective, she has no reason to continue to want a relationship.

If she is the “elephant” in the room, chances are she’s picked up on your feelings about her. I’ve been there. I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted. Why should she?

My husband, kids, and I are our family now. Two have become one, and we are a unit. Yes, there are things we do as a family to show support for extended family, but we are a cohesive unit. My MIL even stated that was hard for her. I was an outsider to her family, which still included Joe. She had to learn that Joe and I were a family.

Funerals are not for children and family reunions. I’m very sorry, but I don’t take my children to funerals. I don’t. They didn’t attend my Mom’s even though she helped me raise them because they didn’t need to be around that drama. And I don’t remember who did/did not send a card. I’ve lost two children, and my kids attended their prayer services, but I didn’t want kids there at all. Not the right place for them.

I’m also not one for large gatherings (strange since I’m a teacher), And if it’s part of a family that doesn’t like me, then why the blank would I go? Heck, even Joe’s stopped going.

All this is to say to you be careful. Your son’s allegiance is to his wife. Don’t come between them.

Good luck!
Heather

 

[ryecroft]

First, I’m sorry you feel badly about what’s going on with your DIL. But being a DIL, I can tell you, watch your step. You say you feel like you’re lying by not telling her how you feel. Let me tell you what happened when my MIL decided to tell us how she felt. She wrote out this big long letter/e-mail. She sent it to me and the other DIL. It was about my husband and in the end when I questioned her on it, she didn’t know why she wrote much of it but by then it was too late. It hurt not only myself but my husband. To make a long story short, it’s been at least 4 years since my husband/her son has spoken, written or given any kind of acknowledgement to his mother. This may sound harsh, but this was the last straw for him. At the time, we had been e-mailing, sending gifts at appropriate times, etc, but the other DIL got involved and went running to the mother with some things I had told her about that were supposed to be kept in confidence. By the way, my husband also wants nothing to do with his brother’s family because of this. His brother’s wife was very selective about what she told her husband and not exactly lie but ommit or lead him to wrong conclusions. She’s been trying for multiple years to get us to talk - I’ve felt sorry for her and e-mailed her a few times- but generally, I’ve found this winds up being a bad idea. I’ve really condensed this whole situation, (I once came on here to get advice about how to handle this situation - about a year later, there were comments from her - I had not put my name, location or anything else-I had stupidly once mentioned that I enjoyed going on Catholic chat forums) - anyway, my point is this, how ever little you have from your son right now, are you willing to risk not speaking to him again or having this kind of problem? Because believe me you, if your son is anything like my husband, he is not going to allow you to say anything negative about his wife. And honestly, I find this to be the way things should be - it does say that a man should leave his family and cling to his bride (I know I"m paraphrasing) - but I don’t know what our marriage would have been like if he had not stood up to his mother. Just to let you know, in the past year, I have tried to help things - lettinghim know I forgave his mother whatever nutso **** she pulled and said. I will not push any farther because it’s his decision about his family - just as what happens with my side of the family is mostly my decision. My parents have taken him as another son, so we are very lucky to have extended family even if it isn’t complete. My husband felt he had to cut his losses - I hope you won’t make the same mistake my MIL did because you may not be able to recover him from it.
God Bless
Rye

P.S. - I didn’t respond to any of the things you mentioned, because I believe others did that. I would never want my MIL or extended family at the birth of a child - that’s PRIVATE! There will be set out times where visits can occur but I do agree with almost everyone else about that - I’m sorry if you feel you should have been able to be there.

 

[Janechantal53]

First, I’m sorry you feel badly about what’s going on with your DIL. But being a DIL, I can tell you, watch your step. You say you feel like you’re lying by not telling her how you feel. Let me tell you what happened when my MIL decided to tell us how she felt. She wrote out this big long letter/e-mail. She sent it to me and the other DIL. It was about my husband and in the end when I questioned her on it, she didn’t know why she wrote much of it but by then it was too late. It hurt not only myself but my husband. To make a long story short, it’s been at least 4 years since my husband/her son has spoken, written or given any kind of acknowledgement to his mother. This may sound harsh, but this was the last straw for him. At the time, we had been e-mailing, sending gifts at appropriate times, etc, but the other DIL got involved and went running to the mother with some things I had told her about that were supposed to be kept in confidence. By the way, my husband also wants nothing to do with his brother’s family because of this. His brother’s wife was very selective about what she told her husband and not exactly lie but ommit or lead him to wrong conclusions. She’s been trying for multiple years to get us to talk - I’ve felt sorry for her and e-mailed her a few times- but generally, I’ve found this winds up being a bad idea. I’ve really condensed this whole situation, (I once came on here to get advice about how to handle this situation - about a year later, there were comments from her - I had not put my name, location or anything else-I had stupidly once mentioned that I enjoyed going on Catholic chat forums) - anyway, my point is this, how ever little you have from your son right now, are you willing to risk not speaking to him again or having this kind of problem? Because believe me you, if your son is anything like my husband, he is not going to allow you to say anything negative about his wife. And honestly, I find this to be the way things should be - it does say that a man should leave his family and cling to his bride (I know I"m paraphrasing) - but I don’t know what our marriage would have been like if he had not stood up to his mother. Just to let you know, in the past year, I have tried to help things - lettinghim know I forgave his mother whatever nutso **** she pulled and said. I will not push any farther because it’s his decision about his family - just as what happens with my side of the family is mostly my decision. My parents have taken him as another son, so we are very lucky to have extended family even if it isn’t complete. My husband felt he had to cut his losses - I hope you won’t make the same mistake my MIL did because you may not be able to recover him from it.
God Bless
Rye

P.S. - I didn’t respond to any of the things you mentioned, because I believe others did that. I would never want my MIL or extended family at the birth of a child - that’s PRIVATE! There will be set out times where visits can occur but I do agree with almost everyone else about that - I’m sorry if you feel you should have been able to be there.

Do you have any sons? One day it could happen to you… I think Jesus would want you to treat your mother-in-law as you would want to be treated. It really is the botom line.