What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[flyingfish]

I certainly hope I never get you for a DIL!! Of COURSE they want to call you, email you, and get together with you! You are THEIR SON’S girlfriend. They probably figure if their son likes you, you must be pretty neat, so they also want to get to know this person whom their son is enamored with. Afterall, HE is THEIR son! So just curious…how long have any of your relationships lasted after you’ve blown off his parents??

Some of my relationships have lasted several years, but I never actively told the parents to leave me alone. I would just ignore and maintain distance hoping they’d get that I am not interested in becoming their best friend.

Wow. Just…wow. So, you want NOTHING to do with his parents? Without even knowing them? You have just decided that you are out of their lives? Keep in mind if you ever have children, they will see this and may not want YOU involved either!

I didn’t say I want nothing to do with the parents, I just don’t want to be close with them and spend a lot of time with them. For me an appropriate relationship with a partner’s parents is a dinner once or twice a year. Obviously if there was some emergency things would change.

Again, Wow…just wow. It’s not all about YOU! There is a dad involved, and HIS parents are also the BABY’S grandparents! To allow one set of GPs in to see the baby, but not the other, is a WONDERFUL way to foster a great relationship (sarcasm firmly on).
Keep in mind you Inlaws would NOT be strangers if you actually took the time beforehand to get to know them and build a relationship with them. Afterall, they did raise your husband…they can’t be all bad.

I didn’t say they could never see the baby, I just wouldn’t want them near me when I was exhausted and vulnerable. Just like I wouldn’t want my coworkers and other acquaintances there.

How old are you? teens? Because you certainly do not sound very mature. With age comes wisdom. Hopefully, for YOUR future HUSBAND’S sake, you will grow up. Otherwise, do not get married.

I’m in my late twenties. And I don’t think it’s about maturity, I have always been introverted and have never liked crowds or socializing with many people. Socializing with a boyfriend’s parents just drains the energy out of me, it’s something I like to keep to a minimum. The men I date don’t have a problem with it.

 

[flyingfish]

Flyfishing…all that you wrote proves my point. This attitude is out there. Part of me is wondering if you’re putting us on because, like my quandry re. dil, I’m baffled as to how and why you’ve developed these attitudes.

Like Catholic another poster said, Don’t get married.

Part of it is my nature, I have been an introvert ever since I can remember. Part of it is the way I was raised. My nuclear family has never been close to extended family, my interaction with them happens once every few years if that.

For me marriage would be about me and my husband and the children we might have. It wouldn’t be about making the mother in law happy if she happens to be the kind of woman who wants to be involved in her son’s marriage.

You just have a different view of life, and for you the family is the extended family that includes in-laws. For me the family is the nuclear family. The parents and the children.

 

[maryjk]

For all of the people saying their in laws won’t be invited to the hospital after birth is this thinking common where you live?.I have a large extended family and many friends of childbearing age.No one excluded family/friends from coming to the hospital.I had 4 good sized babies(8 and 9 pounders) I was fine the next morning to receive visitors(even an hour after birth for close relatives like both sets of excited grandparents.)
Come to think of it,every episode of A Baby Story on TLC features this (excited Grandparents etc there to visit Parents and new baby) CAF is truly an alternate universe LOL

First we need to remember that the Op was not upset about not being invited to the hospital after the birth of a grandchild, she was upset because DIL didn’t return a phone call.

We also need to remember that A Baby Story is a TV show of woman willing to have cameras film the birth of their baby. I would imagine that they aren’t real concerned about having in laws there.

I have an only child. So I don’t know how I would feel after the first time. But the first one was very traumatic. He was very premature. I was totally ill-prepared. The last thing I needed was my MIL in there telling me that I was doing everything wrong. By keeping her out, I had at least until the next morning for her to start.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Flying Fish, that would be really unfair to your children if you kept them from grandparents and aunts and uncles just because your idea of too much contact was more than 2 dinners a year. They aren’t looking to be your best friend… they’re looking at you to join their family and share their name with you. Warning: a man who could blithely walk away from the family that loved and nurtured him for a lifetime and be happy with only seeing them 2 times a year may have other deficiencies that keep him from being a good husband to you. If he isn’t willing to have little to do with his family and not have his kids involved with them to please you, will you force the issue? Please be sure you are straightforward with someone before you get serious with someone, or date orphans. Seriously.

But that doesn’t mean that every situation that seems to have the same dynamic involves a controlling spouse. In fact, both I and my DH were in relationships with abusive, controlling spouses before…but we shouldn’t let it cloud all of our judgements. That being said, it does seem that you are privvy to more info than the rest of us, however you still only have the MIL’s side.

I am privy to more info… but that’s not the reason I have been so vocal here defending the OP. I have watched first hand an almost eerily identical playout of a very similar situation. As Dulcissima said, once you recognize patterns, it’s easy to figure out what is going on. That’s how come I don’t even have to be there to almost predict conversations and events that occur. People really are similar everywhere. Nothing new under the sun.

I’d bet my next paycheck the DIL can be perfectly charming to people SHE thinks are important. But her husband’s family is not on that list. And because OPs son has to live with her, he takes a passive role. It’s not like this started last year. This has been going on for the duration of the marriage.

I would just suggest to the OP that she keep sending cards and gifts with return receipt requested so she doesn’t have to expect a thank you to know if the gift arrived. And as the kids get older, get on Facebook and make a profile and friend them so you can at least email them.

And pray for the DIL and the son. Hand them over to God.

Why do I say it’s abusiveness going on here? Because we’re all old enough and experienced enough to know when the people we do and don’t hear from are merely lazy, very busy, or hostile. We don’t have to be around people long to know when they don’t like us. If this was just lazy or busy, the OP wouldn’t be so upset and it wouldn’t be causing health problems for two parents who are being kept from their only grandchildren. And those of us who have been abused or know people who are know all about the “wall.” The blank look. The refusal to let the world know how bad it is, the facade. It isn’t just a paranoid MIL here, it’s brother and godfather and friends who are concerned too.

Can I go out on a limb here and “guess” or “project” something? When he’s around family with her, is he quiet and withdrawn and very subdued and things are very tense and he doesn’t say much or share much and there’s little joking. But at the funeral alone without her, it was like his old self was back for the first time in years and he was funny and charming and the real him was allowed to come out? Just a guess…

 

[flyingfish]

Flying Fish, that would be really unfair to your children if you kept them from grandparents and aunts and uncles just because your idea of too much contact was more than 2 dinners a year. They aren’t looking to be your best friend… they’re looking at you to join their family and share their name with you. Warning: a man who could blithely walk away from the family that loved and nurtured him for a lifetime and be happy with only seeing them 2 times a year may have other deficiencies that keep him from being a good husband to you. If he isn’t willing to have little to do with his family and not have his kids involved with them to please you, will you force the issue? Please be sure you are straightforward with someone before you get serious with someone, or date orphans. Seriously.

I said nothing about the children and husband, I was only talking about myself. I am not going to walk away from my own parents, just as I wouldn’t expect or want my partner to walk away from his.

I am talking about my interaction with his family. Surely he doesn’t need me to become his mother’s best friend in order to interact with her himself. I wouldn’t expect him to become best friends with my parents.

If the children we have end up being social children who love to hang out with grandparents and uncles, all the power to them. If they’re not interested in that, that’s fine too. I am only talking about my own interaction with the family of my partner.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

As long as the family understands it’s about you and not about them, they may understand. But please, for everyone’s sake, don’t let it get out of hand or leave no explanation so they take it personally. That’s how long-term feuds start. But it’s good you’d encourage your husband to maintain contact.

But be open to the fact that the people who helped form someone you love that much might be perfectly delightful and people you’d want to know and who would want to know you for your talents and insight! Because you do have that.

 

[Catholic90]

Some of my relationships have lasted several years, but I never actively told the parents to leave me alone. I would just ignore and maintain distance hoping they’d get that I am not interested in becoming their best friend.

I didn’t say I want nothing to do with the parents, I just don’t want to be close with them and spend a lot of time with them. For me an appropriate relationship with a partner’s parents is a dinner once or twice a year. Obviously if there was some emergency things would change.

:bigyikes:

I’m in my late twenties. And I don’t think it’s about maturity, I have always been introverted and have never liked crowds or socializing with many people. Socializing with a boyfriend’s parents just drains the energy out of me, it’s something I like to keep to a minimum. The men I date don’t have a problem with it.

I said nothing about the children and husband, I was only talking about myself. I am not going to walk away from my own parents, just as I wouldn’t expect or want my partner to walk away from his.

I am talking about my interaction with his family. Surely he doesn’t need me to become his mother’s best friend in order to interact with her himself. I wouldn’t expect him to become best friends with my parents.

If the children we have end up being social children who love to hang out with grandparents and uncles, all the power to them. If they’re not interested in that, that’s fine too. I am only talking about my own interaction with the family of my partner.

All I can say is I certainly hope none of my sons finds a woman like you.

It is soooo foreign to how I was raised and how my family interacts with each other.

So how often did you see your grandparents? do you have a relationship with them? I am assuming your mother rarely visited your father’s parents? I just don’t understand (and I am glad, because I could never be a part of a family like that).

 

[maryjk]

Warning: a man who could blithely walk away from the family that loved and nurtured him for a lifetime and be happy with only seeing them 2 times a year may have other deficiencies that keep him from being a good husband to you.

If that family loved and nurtured him for a lifetime.

Again, we are coming from different perspectives. Either of us could be right. It could be that he was “normal” while he was at the funeral because that is what MIL wanted to see. Sorry, but we are sill getting only her side of the story and no real reason if the son wanted to call, why he hasn’t. He works, he has a cell phone, yet he doesn’t call? Why? Could it be that he doesn’t want to call?

 

[flyingfish]

All I can say is I certainly hope none of my sons finds a woman like you.

It is soooo foreign to how I was raised and how my family interacts with each other.

So how often did you see your grandparents? do you have a relationship with them? I am assuming your mother rarely visited your father’s parents? I just don’t understand (and I am glad, because I could never be a part of a family like that).

I rarely saw my grandparents when I was growing up. But we lived nearly on the other side of the country and visits required plane trips. Most of my grandparents have died since then, only one remains and there is no relationship.

Why do you have such a strong need to be connected to whoever your sons choose to marry? How much time would you expect to spend with your DIL? Are you someone who would be visiting them frequently, calling? Why do you want this?

 

[Catholic90]

I rarely saw my grandparents when I was growing up. But we lived nearly on the other side of the country and visits required plane trips. Most of my grandparents have died since then, only one remains and there is no relationship.

Why do you have such a strong need to be connected to whoever your sons choose to marry? How much time would you expect to spend with your DIL? Are you someone who would be visiting them frequently, calling? Why do you want this?

Why WOULDN’T I have strong need to be connected?!? Family is important! I want to be involved in my grandchildrens’ lives! To be involved in their lives means having a great relationship with my sons and their wives! One cannot have a meaningful relationship if you only see them once or twice a year!

My parents and ILs come to my kids’ school functions - concerts, plays, sporting events, etc. We have huge family get togethers about once a month (holidays, birthdays, etc.). To me, this is normal! I love it, my kids love it, and I know the grandparents love it!

I talk to my MIL more frequently than I talk to my own mother! I talk to my mother about every 2 weeks, and my MIL about once a week. We email more frequently than that - several times a week.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

Well, this was quite a read. This thread is why I always joke that I will marry an orphan. All kidding aside, I think everyone is projecting their own experiences onto the situation, but that’s all we have, right?

As for baby births, I have a relative who gave birth whose MIL would come to the hospital bringing along her current husband (not the grandfather of the child), along with cousin Mabel and Mabel’s wayward 9 yo son, etc, etc, and they all stay all day and before you know it’s a big freaking circus and all new mommy wants to do is feed her child and herself and get some rest. And her hubby is on the wimpy side and will never tell them to leave, because if he did and mentioned the word “wife”, MIL immediately pins it on the DIL, OR she is just very big on “it’s a big celebration because that’s how we do it back in my country” and it would never in a million years occur to her that some people are just more private. I really don’t think people who have mindsets like this realize how they run roughshod over others. I really don’t.

I will also say that regardless of any “private” (oooooh, how titillating that sounds! :ehh: ) information that may have been given to others, it is still the internet, and you cannot necessarily believe everything you are told. I have been bamboozled by many a “tragic” story, and now, well, call me cynical, but I take everything with an entire salt lick.

One more point, it takes 2 to tango, and if you refuse to engage, retaliate, think bad thoughts, bad mouth them to others, the dance stops, pretty much immediately. It is not the initial action that causes grief, so much as what you do with it. Sometimes, you have to just not reply, or react, or, best of all, you should try to give your tango partner the benefit of the doubt, because it is highly unlikely that their intent was to hurt you. Like Popeye said “I yam what I yam”. You have to accept people for what they are. People will not live up to your expectations, or love you as much as you think you deserve, or give you the esteem you believe you deserve. Why not? Simply put, sometimes this is a lesson in humility. And I can say that because I have been there and done that.

And my last and final point, is that your son may be doing what he thinks is best for his family, and you may not know her (or him) as well as you think you do.

You need to pray that your heart will turn, because really, that is the essence of what God wants from us. Not that we pray other people into submission of our will, but that we turn our hearts fully towards God. I will keep all 3 of you in my prayers.

 

[aicirt]

Part of it is my nature, I have been an introvert ever since I can remember. Part of it is the way I was raised. My nuclear family has never been close to extended family, my interaction with them happens once every few years if that.

For me marriage would be about me and my husband and the children we might have. It wouldn’t be about making the mother in law happy if she happens to be the kind of woman who wants to be involved in her son’s marriage.

You just have a different view of life, and for you the family is the extended family that includes in-laws. For me the family is the nuclear family. The parents and the children.

Once again, I do appreciate your honesty although I totally disagree.

Your interaction with your biological extended family (parents’ parents and parents’ siblings) was not your choice. Would YOU have done things differently?

What’s your feelings about how you were raised? What were the dynamics of your parents and their parents? Why were they seeing their own parents “once every few years if at that”?

If it isn’t about making you MIL happy, are you planning on making your Mom happy? How will she be included in your life and the lives of your children?

Do you feel you’d be disloyal to your Mom and Dad if you did have a relationship with in-laws?

Once again, marriage isn’t about what YOU want. You come together with an open heart and blend your wants and desires together.

You can’t use “introvert” as an excuse your whole life. You said you’ve had more than one boy friend. Would it be a leap to assume you hold a job, interact with co-workers and employers, and have a social life with your own friends? So how much of an introvert can you be?

Have you ever thought of talking to a professional?

 

[flyingfish]

Your interaction with your biological extended family (parents’ parents and parents’ siblings) was not your choice. Would YOU have done things differently?

What’s your feelings about how you were raised? What were the dynamics of your parents and their parents? Why were they seeing their own parents “once every few years if at that”?

I don’t know if I would have done things differently. My parents didn’t see much of their own parents later in life, but both their parents lived on the other side of the country so that may have been part of the reason.

If it isn’t about making you MIL happy, are you planning on making your Mom happy? How will she be included in your life and the lives of your children?

I love my parents, and of course I would maintain a relationship with them throughout my life. But I wouldn’t expect my husband to become close to my parents nor would I be interested in becoming close to his parents.

I think it’s great for children to be close to their grandparents, I wouldn’t try to keep my children from interacting with my husband’s parents. I just wouldn’t want it to frequently include me.

Once again, marriage isn’t about what YOU want. You come together with an open heart and blend your wants and desires together.

You can’t use “introvert” as an excuse your whole life. You said you’ve had more than one boy friend. Would it be a leap to assume you hold a job, interact with co-workers and employers, and have a social life with your own friends? So how much of an introvert can you be?

Have you ever thought of talking to a professional?

Being an introvert is not an illness, I am not bothered by being an introvert. I don’t have difficulty interacting with people, but most of the time I don’t enjoy it and find it to be a chore. Boyfriends are the exception to this, but I like to have space even when I am in a relationship.

I have the most fun when I am alone.

 

[sj2]

After 11 pages of advice, I am wondering what OP has decided to do to change her end of things. Did any suggestions jump out at you?

 

[aicirt]

After 11 pages of advice, I am wondering what OP has decided to do to change her end of things. Did any suggestions jump out at you?

I answered that in post 131.

 

[aicirt]

I don’t know if I would have done things differently. My parents didn’t see much of their own parents later in life, but both their parents lived on the other side of the country so that may have been part of the reason.

I love my parents, and of course I would maintain a relationship with them throughout my life. But I wouldn’t expect my husband to become close to my parents nor would I be interested in becoming close to his parents.

I think it’s great for children to be close to their grandparents, I wouldn’t try to keep my children from interacting with my husband’s parents. I just wouldn’t want it to frequently include me.

Being an introvert is not an illness, I am not bothered by being an introvert. I don’t have difficulty interacting with people, but most of the time I don’t enjoy it and find it to be a chore. Boyfriends are the exception to this, but I like to have space even when I am in a relationship.

I have the most fun when I am alone.

Whatever it is classified it will be difficult for a family to understand. The counseling might help you to understand others and yourself. Have you actually been professionally told you are an introvert? Because by classifying yourself as an introvert your giving yourself persmission to act as you do when in reality you just don’t want to be involved.

As an aside, you don’t list your religion. Are you thinking of becoming a Catholic?

 

[flyingfish]

Whatever it is classified it will be difficult for a family to understand. The counseling might help you to understand others and yourself. Have you actually been professionally told you are an introvert? Because by classifying yourself as an introvert** your giving yourself persmission to act as you do when in reality you just don’t want to be involved. **

As an aside, you don’t list your religion. Are you thinking of becoming a Catholic?

Being an introvert is not something that gets diagnosed by professionals, it’s just a word used to describe a person who “just doesn’t want to be involved”. It’s my nature not to want to participate in social activities. I have much more fun reading a book or watching a movie than I do hanging out with people.

Boyfriends are sometimes the exception, as are a few close friends. But I have no interest at all in developing relationships with the parents of boyfriends or friends. I see it as a boring chore, and a general waste of my time. I just don’t want to be involved.

(I didn’t list my religion because I didn’t want to put personal information in the profile.)

 

[Catholic90]

I love my parents, and of course I would maintain a relationship with them throughout my life. But I wouldn’t expect my husband to become close to my parents nor would I be interested in becoming close to his parents.
You will miss out on SO MUCH! My DH is very close to my parents, as I am to his.

I think it’s great for children to be close to their grandparents, I wouldn’t try to keep my children from interacting with my husband’s parents. I just wouldn’t want it to frequently include me.

So if DH is unavailable to take children to visit his parents (for whatever reason), you would not feel comfortable taking them over either? You would not visit as a whole family…DH takes kids to visit his parents, and just you takes kids to visit your parents? I just don’t get that…

Being an introvert is not an illness, I am not bothered by being an introvert. I don’t have difficulty interacting with people, but most of the time I don’t enjoy it and find it to be a chore. Boyfriends are the exception to this, but I like to have space even when I am in a relationship.
I USED to be an introvert and very shy. I am no longer that way. Life is MUCH IMPROVED now!
I have the most fun when I am alone.

It is good that you recognize this. Then you should probably not get married and have kids. Once you have kids, you will DEFINITELY never be alone, even to go the bathroom! That is a fact. Perhaps you are called to the single life. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[maryjk]

After 11 pages of advice, I am wondering what OP has decided to do to change her end of things. Did any suggestions jump out at you?

I answered that in post 131.

Your answer there was that you felt better after venting.

So as far as you can see, there is no need for change on your end of things?

 

[Catholic90]

Being an introvert is not something that gets diagnosed by professionals, it’s just a word used to describe a person who “just doesn’t want to be involved”. It’s my nature not to want to participate in social activities. I have much more fun reading a book or watching a movie than I do hanging out with people.
Then don’t get married…or if you do, marry someone exactly like you. Become a hermit.
Boyfriends are sometimes the exception, as are a few close friends. But I have no interest at all in developing relationships with the parents of boyfriends or friends. I see it as a boring chore, and a general waste of my time. I just don’t want to be involved.
Wow. Just wow. Now I DEFINITELY pray my sons never marry someone like you (not that they would, as they are all very social and love to participate in social activities. They are all outgoing and FUN people! I imagine if you ever had kids, you would not want to be bothered to meet any other parents and develop friendships for your kid’s sake either,since being friends is such a “boring chore”.)
I genuinely feel sorry for you. Please see a counselor.
(I didn’t list my religion because I didn’t want to put personal information in the profile.)