What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[tweetymom]

Maybe those of you who donot like your MIL or DIL would pray and ask God for help He might clean out your hearts like He did mine concerning my then DIL. She is now one of my dearest friends and I love her with all my heart. Changing attitudes is a two way street.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And you DO have a valid issue with your MIL. And the safety of your child comes first. And yes, some people are absolutely bats.

The OP does not strike me from what I’ve read as one of them. Her issue is that she has been marginalized in her son and gc lives for 18 years. Refused visits, lied to when they’ve been in town with people claiming not to be home, and in the process she has lost her son AND her only grandchildren.

Phone calls not returned. (And if she called again, would she be accused of “hounding” the DIL? When I call someone and they don’t return my call, I get the message.)

When your mother dies, do you really want a card 3 weeks later signed by DIL, the kids and the dog? Seriously. Has she even met the dog? Does the dog even care? To me, that’s just disrespectful. What message is being communicated there? Is this funny or something?

The point being… I don’t know how many of the posters here have watched a DIL do similar things to a brother and a family and been helpless to watch it. I take it most here are not of the age to have DILs themselves and know that if the mother of a house doesn’t like you, the whole house will end up falling off your radar.

And death is final. How many posters here have stood over your own parent’s coffins and realized the chance to make things right or to have your kids know them is now forever gone? Or stood with a spouse over his/her parent’s coffin and watched them realize they’re never going to have a chance to replace wasted time?

The 4th Commandment says Honor Your Father and Your Mother. It doesn’t say “Only if you think they deserve it.” And the bible tells you not to grieve your parents when they become elderly.

In the OP’s situation, she wasn’t putting kids on tractors and calling the DIL a “slut”.

I’ve watched MILs like that. I’ve laughed hysterically on the phone as my friends have told me outrageous stories of over-the-top MILs. My own tried to help the man who abused me take my children away from me. She didn’t want to believe precious baboo could do such things. Till he turned his full fury and venom on her. Now she’s having fun in that double wide far away after literally being dumped on the doorstep of a motel with her son telling her he never wants to see her F-ing face again. (as one of my children cried watching it.)

You know what? My children watched me drive over with some food for her to get her blood sugar levels to where she wouldn’t collapse. They watched me give her a hug. They watched me give her money for the cab. They watched me treat a woman who was horrible to me with respect and compassion.

They will NEVER be able to point at me as an example of “getting even” or vindictiveness. They will NEVER be able to point at any example I set as an excuse to being less than Christian with the people they encounter in life. I can look myself in the mirror till the day I die.

Has it been easy? NO! Have I had real reason to be angry at this woman? YES! Would anyone here blame me if they knew the whole story if I slapped her every time I saw her? Probably not.

Point being, it’s not about the MIL. It’s about what your children are watching YOU do and how YOU treat the people in your life. It’s about the example YOU set. My children will never be able to throw in MY face that I kept them from half their family or was “mean” to grandma.

What I did end up with was an ex-MIL who told me as she said goodbye that I was a good DIL, who had to reevaluate her whole opinion of “people who go to church all the time.”

One thing she never told me was “You Catholics are hypocrites.”

 

[sanctamaria17]

All I was saying is if she tells HER parents to come to the hospital to see the baby, but tells HIS parents to stay away, she is setting herself up for hurt.

Personally, I would never do that. I think it is mean, rude, etc. (this is assuming everyone is on good terms to begin with).

It’s probably a mute point anyway, since most moms are in the hospital no more than 24 hours.

Never set up one set of grandparents to be the “favored”. All you will get are hard feelings. and the grandchildren lose big time.

It’s not about being favored. Geez, I’d rather have my mom there, just because she’s my mom. She changed my diapers, helped me with my first bras, and got me my first menstrual pads, as well as gave me the sex talk. As for my (future) husband, well, obviously, we would have been intimate and it would be our kid. Having someone else who didn’t do all that for me come in to see me half naked, exhausted, not looking or feeling my best, etc, would make me extremely snippy and grumpy.

Heck, I probably wouldn’t even have my dad or my siblings come in. Certainly not girlfriends. But I’d want my mom because she’s my mom and I don’t mind her seeing me like that.

 

[dulcissima]

Liberanosamalo, all of that IS valid, but it still ignores the fact that HER son should be calling her, visiting her, inviting her over. If his brother asks him to be the best man at his wedding, why does his brother’s bride have to pin him down? It sounds like the OP has two very passive sons, one of whom is not making the effort he should to have his family be a part of his life.

My ex did not want my mom around, but despite how awful he could be, I still did not put up with having her cut out of our lives. Her son is perfectly capable of having some sort of a relationship with his mother if he desires it.

If the son and daughter together don’t desire it, there really isn’t much she can do other than pray and continue making occasional good faith efforts to leave the lines of communication open.

 

[gmarie21]

How did OP’s son know about gm’s death? Who communicated that to him? And if dil was so controlling, why did son go to funeral? Did OP and son talk at funeral? They were, afterall, in the same place at the same time. There is something being omitted here.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi there darling!!! GOD Bless and so sorry for your loss! I am on the receiving end from my future mil…She’s not even my mil yet and she can’t stand me…

Let me tell you a little about how much I adored that woman! I was told to call her mom from the beginning, I didn’t feel comfortable so out of respect for my elder I would call her MRS, I should have seen that as a negative thing when she literally told me off for not calling her mom…Then they told my kids they had to call them both grandparents, my kids didn’t feel comfortable yet and fiance’s father saw that, so he gave the kids a nick name for grandma and grandpa until they felt comfortable enough to call them grandparents, well my kids got bitched at by her for them calling her the cute little nick name she told them only grandkids can call her that! It was so frustrating… When I brought it up with future fil he said she was going through stuff but to keep calling her grandma and mom! I was like whatever! I would help that woman every day in her home, every day! I was her literal slave! I wanted to earn her respect so much, I would help her husband at work every day esp when he was ill. No one else helped him I did…That caused her to hate me even more…

Then she would pick on me because my kids wouldn’t even let me go to the bathroom by myself…I tried to explain to her they were not feeling so comfortable at the moment around them and they wanted to talk to me…She literally told me off and told me I was a horrible mother…through this all I never once raised my voice at her nor back talked to her. I never disrespected her, nor allowed my children to do so. Every thanksgiving we were together every Christmas we were together bday party etc I would try to keep a shut mouth while she would go around telling the entire family, her family what a terrible mother I was because my kids didn’t go to sleep at 7 pm like hers used to, because my kids follow me to the bathroom, because my kids make a mess and don’t like picking it up without throwing a tantrum, etc… etc… etc… I have been humiliated by this woman constantly, infront of a large number of family members… The last time something happened was last year for my fiance’s brother’s wedding, it was so humiliating! The bride wanted everyone in the pics, his mother said NO not her and those kids! My fiance was so upset and she said this really loud and even the photographer was upset and didn’t even want to take pics of her…lol… Then after the wedding a few days later she starts telling me off for no reason, I am not lying, she just snaps and starts telling me off in front of everyone and I just got up said good night to everyone and grabbed my kids and started walking away my fiance snapped at her, then her husband snapped at her too because she was doing this out of nothing…

Well she apologized and said the reason she snapped at me was because she didn’t agree how I was raising my kids and she needed to tell me that…she just didn’t know how to tell me nicely! I was like I don’t care…It was over and done for me…But I didn’t disrespect her ever…

Then after I had my gallbladder surgery, it had been a week my munchkins started school, first day, my daugther decides to stay after school, the school keeps calling and calling I am unable to move, my fiance went to the bus stop to pick up the kids, finally his mother starts calling I pick myself up and get to the phone, then we didn’t have cell phones, and his mother starts telling me off for leaving my kids 45 mins at their school…AS IF I KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO STAY THERE?! She starts telling me off of how a terrible mother and blah blah blah I was like are you serious? Barely walking around after my surgery in pain and then I go out find one of the neighborhood kids and send him all the way to the bus stop to find my fiance and make him come over so I can tell him what’s going on… His father said to me “you weren’t supposed to give her a story just go get the kids!” I told him I wasn’t giving her a story I was telling her that my fiance was all ready at the bus stop and I couldn’t go get him because I was not feeling well, but I did it anyhow!!! and He was going to get my kids! I was like how is that a story?" He said oh well whatever…

I was like wow these people are crazy!!!

And the last time she blew up on me was recently in sept, because I sent her a letter apologizing for the inconvenience of my mail or fiance’s mail arriving at her home! Oh man she gets so pissed off you can not have anything that is yours arriving at her house nothing at all! At first it was fine, “oh yeah honey you can have your mom send you your things here etc etc etc!” Then all of a sudden, “any **** of yours that gets here I don’t want it I will send it back or throw it away!” It was like ok! And it was an accident, when I placed the order for fiance’s bday gift it wouldn’t let me cancel or click back to update the address it was sent to his mother’s home! I sent her an email explaining what had happened and apologizing… this is what I wrote:

“Sorry for the bother and inconvenience but I ordered honey’s bday gift and the paypal transaction put his atm billing address which is your home address as the shipping address…They did not allow me to change it so I was unable to stop the item from shipping to your home address. I believe there might-will be a couple of items sent to your home address and I am seriously and deeply sorry for the inconvenience and the bother this may cause. I have tried to update information so that nothing gets mailed to your home but I guess they won’t change it until he does a verification…Again, sorry for the bother and inconvenience I am going to try and make sure anything else ever ordered no longer gets sent there. I would appreciate it if you could please hold on to these items until we are able to go pick them up…Again so sorry and hope you have a great day!”

 

[iluvmybabies]

this is what she wrote back to me:

"for the way you said this i will send it back !!! ALSO TELL HIM NO MORE MAIL HERE IM DONE WITH THIS **** SO SEND IT TO YOU MOMS HOUSE NOT HERE SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT ONE so if you want to be a smart *** so can i but i can be bigger and better then you AND WE ARE DONE HERE "

Even if I meant that message with all the sourness of her mistreatment towards me, there was nothing evil or rude about it…

To make things worst his father whom has never told me off told me off and called me an instigator!!! I was called an instigator and that all I want to do is start fights with her!!! I was like WHAT???

His sister whom has never taken his mother’s side took her side and told me I was in the wrong for apologizing! I was like huh? She was like yeah she was all ready mad at you because of the kids school problem you shouldn’t have apologized! I was like whatever!!!

So I am done with that woman…I am not telling them I am pregnant…My fiance doesn’t want to tell them…He won’t even call his parents…His father called him and I did convince him to pick up the phone, my fiance’s reaction towards his parents are “they want to be psycho and start **** I dont need that at all in my life, I have my own life my own family now even though we’re not married I don’t care since the moment I fell in love with you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend my life with if they can’t accept it that’s their problem. You have done nothing wrong, and don’t even try to blame yourself! It’s their inability to grow up it’s their bad not mine!” He doesn’t want to tell them we are having a baby…He said HE didn’t care because he was not going to allow them to come to the house and try to take the baby from me just because they are the baby’s grandparents when they mistreat his baby’s mother…

I feel so horrible about everything even if it wasn’t my fault, but I no longer care about that woman. I pray for them may GOD bless them, but I could care less about her liking me anymore or not and esp his father now…

My mother has told everyone countless times I am the worst child she’s had, but she loves me, and even though my relationship with my mother has been horrible all my life, my fiance’s mother knew this she knew all my secrets she was so kind made me feel like I could confide in her and I loved her like a mother the one I never had! That changed pretty fast when she started mistreating me for no reason… She even raised her hand at me once for nothing I am not kidding you! Because I was helping my kids clean up their room…She came over and snapped on me and told me to make them do it themselves then I told her “I enjoy cleaning up with my kids!” She raised her hand at me and I was like what’s your problem?! Then she took off! I was like OK!? And my mother doesn’t accept someone else mistreating me, she says that’s her job…So believe me when I tell you… The more you try to be rude to your son’s wife the more you are pushing your son away!!!

I told my fiance to end things with me so that he and his family could reconcile I was willing to sacrifice the love I have for him, he told me I was crazy!!! LOL

I now have an acceptable relationship with my mother, yes she tells me off every now and then because I don’t call her on a daily basis, and because I haven’t taught my kids how to speak spanish, but at least we can talk without her telling me off because I am a failure at everything and a good for nothing…

So maybe it was a good thing that my fiance’s mother messed up our relationship it made my mother want to be nicer to me! LOL

All his family did was push him away from them… I didn’t even have to tell him anything about his family to make him not want to be with them, they did that all on their own!

My fiance is not a giver either… Oh man!! If it’s not me reminding him “today’s your brother’s bday, your sister’s bday, your mothers, your fathers!” He doesn’t remember jack!!! He’s in lala land when it comes to giving…I go and buy the stuff the card the gift whatever it is and send it with his name on it…for his brother’s wedding, he forgot the card it was sitting right in front of the tv i was busy with the kids he got in the car started honking at us to get out and go and that was it! He got chewed out, we sent the gift weeks before the wedding he still got chewed out for forgetting the CARD!!! I was like are you serious???

 

[iluvmybabies]

So their expectations are not his nor what he can remember or think to do…He gave them the card after they came back his brother just tore it up and threw it away infront of him…I was like that’s wrong! And his brother hardly ever calls him on his bday, never calls me on mine or anything like that or the kids…YET when my fiance would forget to call his brother’s then fiance now wife, oh man he got told off by his mother and his brother for disrespecting them and not calling his fiance!! Now wife…When it was my bday last year, my fiance called his parents and told them have you called my fiance and wished her a happy bday? Has my brother and his fiance called my fiance for her bday? NO? Oh ok don’t worry I promise I will be on top of all of your bdays next year!

I told him I didn’t care…It doesn’t matter to me, he said it’s not about that it’s about how they treat me and you when we don’t call on the dot to wish them a happy bday!!!

There’s a difference between my fiance’s sil and myself…I have never disrespected his family, she has on many ocassions! One of those, was the first year she and her now husband fiance’s brother bought their house! Future mil was there trying to help them move their stuff, as soon as her family and friends mother etc showed up she grabbed them locked themselves in their room and ditched fiance’s mother…She told them off and left! Another instance, they were all driving down to NEW York to visit family, she went with them, all the way over there she made their lives miserable, she was too cold, too hot, too bumpy, too loud, fiance’s father didn’t know how to drive, they wanted to kill her, yet they respected their son for the choice he made…But fiance?? He’s not respected at all…He’s the youngest and they couldn’t imagine him marrying a woman with a past history…At first they accepted me, like I said before then in a matter of months I was a nightmare to everyone…Esp when fiance started telling them he wanted to marry me…

I am not going to say you are not in the right here, but as you can see even the ones that wouldn’t dare harm a fly get the boot…out of nothing…and instead of having a large closer family my fiance will not even tell them about the baby…I am sure later on he will…but I don’t know when…And all they are doing is pushing him away while I am sure at the same time telling everyone I don’t let him come over, or call them or anything like that!!! When he would tell me things like “I live down the road, if they want to see me they can come over and see me, I am busy!” Because they would tell him off for not visiting them every weekend, or every day or calling them every day when we all live in the same town! I live 3000 miles away from friends and family…Yet my mother now doesn’t yell at me for not calling her 24/7, like she used to… lol So they didn’t just lose a daughter and 3 healthy step grandkids but they are losing their son and grand child as well!!!

sorry so long this is a touchy subject and I am one of the ones that’s probably being told to all the family I don’t let my fiance do a single damn thing because I am a manipulator, by someone I loved very much…lol

Hopefully things will get better for you and your family! GOD BLESS!!!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Son has been married for 18 years to a woman he met in a Catholic college, The situation has been deeply hurtful and a trial for us, and the rest of the family. We have stayed away for the last four years after dil blew us off from visiting the newest addition in the hospital.

Last year, son came to his brother’s wedding but not his wife nor his kids. It would have been understandable had they not taken a trip two weeks before the wedding in an adjacent area. And they did not acknoweldge the invitation and reply quickly. The bride to be had to call son who was to be the best man.

That is two examples. There are MANY,MANY others. The latest salvo was a condolence card sent by the dil in question.It arrived two days ago, three weeks after my Mom died. Mom was the great-grandmother to son and dil’s four children. It was signed by her, the kids and their dog. Son came to funeral, flying in day before and leaving 24 hrs. later. No flowers, no Mass card, no fruit basket. That was not brought up. We actually had a good time as long as the elephant sitting in the room wasn’t acknowleged. If you attempt it, you get the blank look. Talking to son re. wife is like talking to a wall.

We accepted that until the card arrived. My stomach rose to my throat. I would like to write back and tell her she is such a hypocrite. I feel by not saying what I’m feeling, I’m lying. I’m accepting terrible behaviour for the sake of keeping peace in a relationship that doesn’t exist. We hadn’t talked to our son since the wedding 18 months ago.

From the get-go, we were told by her family (mother and the siblings) she is selfish, “should have had a good smack on her butt”, her mother actual said to me, re. another episode a year after they were married, that what dil had told me and her Mom was a lie. That is when I knew if she could lie to her mother and father and treat them like she was treating them, we were going to be in for it. And we have.

Son? What I’ve been told is he has to live with her. He’s under her control. There isn’t anything he can do.

A friend hearing about the card, told me dil has serious mental problems. I agree. But what is it? Nacissistic personality?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Perhaps, your son feels extremely uncomfortable with you talking to him about his wife…and becomes passive, because he loves you and loves his wife, and does not want to be stuck in the middle. Your son went 18 months without talking to you. It can’t be all the wife’s fault.

You are his mom, but now he is married, and has been for 18 years. The way the relationship is now is not working. The only one you can change is yourself.

Call him. he must have a cell phone. Say it was nice to see him after 18 months, how are the kids? Can you e-mail me some pictures? How are you doing? Don’t mention his wife in any negative way at all. Don’t say, “Your wife did ABC or XYZ.” Criticizing his wife must hurt him.

Regarding the condolence card…just let it go. She tried. It wasn’t up to your standards. But really would anything short of her coming to the funeral with fruit and flowers be sufficient to you? You are seeing it as if she sent you the card to be disrespectful. You really don’t know that. She might have been sincere, and not known what the appropriate action should have been.

Famiilies fight all the time…for big things and for little things. It sin’t really important to be the right one. Pretend you are 100% right. Couldn’t you just forgive and forget?

 

[aicirt]

Of course, and I wouldn’t try in any way to discourage my husband from having a close relationship with his family. That would be his choice, I would simply ask that he have the relationship with them without involving me.

I don’t have children either, so I don’t know what it’s like to give birth. But it just seems that I would be the one exhausted from giving birth, so I should decide who gets to come to the hospital room. It would be different with my own parents. My own parents raised me and I know them, in-laws would always be strangers in that respect, not people I would want near me during vulnerable and intimate moments.

When the husband is the one in the hospital, he can decide who visits him.

If my husband was undergoing some procedure in the hospital and didn’t want my parents there I would understand. My own parents wouldn’t impose on someone like that either.

And as far as attending family affairs it’s a matter of degree. I think them not coming to the wedding was a bit extreme unless there is history between you you haven’t made known.

I would have forced myself to attend a rare and special function like a wedding for the sake of my husband, maybe a visit to the family once or twice a year.

If it was really, really, really important to him, I would make some sacrifices and pretend. But there would be a limit to how much time I was willing to sacrifice for that purpose.

Flyfishing…all that you wrote proves my point. This attitude is out there. Part of me is wondering if you’re putting us on because, like my quandry re. dil, I’m baffled as to how and why you’ve developed these attitudes.

Like Catholic another poster said, Don’t get married.

 

[maryjk]

And you DO have a valid issue with your MIL. And the safety of your child comes first. And yes, some people are absolutely bats.

The OP does not strike me from what I’ve read as one of them. Her issue is that she has been marginalized in her son and gc lives for 18 years. Refused visits, lied to when they’ve been in town with people claiming not to be home, and in the process she has lost her son AND her only grandchildren.

Phone calls not returned. (And if she called again, would she be accused of “hounding” the DIL? When I call someone and they don’t return my call, I get the message.)

What I am saying, is there are two sides to every story. We are only hearing the OP’s side. That doesn’t negate the DIL’s side.

When your mother dies, do you really want a card 3 weeks later signed by DIL, the kids and the dog? Seriously. Has she even met the dog? Does the dog even care? To me, that’s just disrespectful. What message is being communicated there? Is this funny or something?

I think the OP was more upset that the entire family didn’t fly out for the funeral. Maybe it was about the dog.

The point being… I don’t know how many of the posters here have watched a DIL do similar things to a brother and a family and been helpless to watch it. I take it most here are not of the age to have DILs themselves and know that if the mother of a house doesn’t like you, the whole house will end up falling off your radar.

My DS is 14, so no, I don’t have a daughter in law yet. But as a DIL that has done her all to be liked by a MIL, I know sometimes it isn’t the DIL’s fault, but rather the problem is with the MIL.

And death is final. How many posters here have stood over your own parent’s coffins and realized the chance to make things right or to have your kids know them is now forever gone? Or stood with a spouse over his/her parent’s coffin and watched them realize they’re never going to have a chance to replace wasted time?

I spend lots of time with my parents. In fact, I see them almost every day.

The 4th Commandment says Honor Your Father and Your Mother. It doesn’t say “Only if you think they deserve it.” And the bible tells you not to grieve your parents when they become elderly.

The bible doesn’t say to take a beating and keep coming back for more.

In the OP’s situation, she wasn’t putting kids on tractors and calling the DIL a “slut”.

I’ve watched MILs like that. I’ve laughed hysterically on the phone as my friends have told me outrageous stories of over-the-top MILs. My own tried to help the man who abused me take my children away from me. She didn’t want to believe precious baboo could do such things. Till he turned his full fury and venom on her. Now she’s having fun in that double wide far away after literally being dumped on the doorstep of a motel with her son telling her he never wants to see her F-ing face again. (as one of my children cried watching it.)

You know what? My children watched me drive over with some food for her to get her blood sugar levels to where she wouldn’t collapse. They watched me give her a hug. They watched me give her money for the cab. They watched me treat a woman who was horrible to me with respect and compassion.

Where has my child has asked, why does Grandma hate you? Or, why are Grandma and Granddad mean to you?

They will NEVER be able to point at me as an example of “getting even” or vindictiveness. They will NEVER be able to point at any example I set as an excuse to being less than Christian with the people they encounter in life. I can look myself in the mirror till the day I die.

I don’t do anything to get even. I am just not a punching bag.

Has it been easy? NO! Have I had real reason to be angry at this woman? YES! Would anyone here blame me if they knew the whole story if I slapped her every time I saw her? Probably not.

Point being, it’s not about the MIL. It’s about what your children are watching YOU do and how YOU treat the people in your life. It’s about the example YOU set. My children will never be able to throw in MY face that I kept them from half their family or was “mean” to grandma.

You are right, it is about the children. So I would think the OP shouldn’t take her dislike of her DIL out on the grandchildren. On the flip side, I have never been mean to my MIL.

What I did end up with was an ex-MIL who told me as she said goodbye that I was a good DIL, who had to reevaluate her whole opinion of “people who go to church all the time.”

One thing she never told me was “You Catholics are hypocrites.”

All I am saying is there must be more to the store.

 

[AshleyBelle]

One thing that I was wondering after reading the OP, was how far away do your son and DIL live? Is it far enough that any real visit requires a plane trip? I love my in laws, but it would be very difficult financially for us to pack up all the kids for a plane ride across the country, kwim? I think my mother in law would be much more likely to try and visit us, (planned well in advance).

Is it possible the DIL is simply very introverted? In my family, I try to involve the children in activities with Church and school, but the majority of our free time is spent simply being together at home as a family. It is very draining for my husband and I in particular to go out to busy functions and activities. I can “be” extroverted when I need to, and I enjoy company (not anti social or anything =P ) But at the same time, it takes every bit of energy I have to put forth the effort. Not to mention, that energy is incredibly limited as our family grows and grows!

It may be an extra burden for you, but sometimes people just need someone to reach out to them. You’re a mother, so perhaps you’ve experienced this; sometimes being a mom feels very lonely. There are times when you get so caught up with changing diapers, fixing meals, cleaning the house, maintaining schedules and finances, all day while your husband is away at work that you start to feel alone. It’s times like these when simply having a close friend or relative take the initiative to reach out to you that make all the difference in the world. For me, I’ve been blessed with such a loving husband, that when I start to fall into those sorts of feelings, he is encouraging, supportive and understanding
I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt, and that you feel disconnected from your son and his family. But I think so often, when there are “issues” between family and friends, most of the conflict happens in our own minds. Being long distance from your son, you’re left to over-analyze the small handful of interactions you have with he and his wife. And if the general impression you felt was negative, the more negative your mind makes it as time goes on and you’re left to “stew.”
I still just wonder though, if your DIL isn’t simply a private, introverted person. To someone who is extroverted, she could come across as uncaring or anti-social, but in fact she just doesn’t know how to “reach out” to you.

 

[aicirt]

How did OP’s son know about gm’s death? Who communicated that to him? And if dil was so controlling, why did son go to funeral? Did OP and son talk at funeral? They were, afterall, in the same place at the same time. There is something being omitted here.

Of course we called him to tell him of his gm’s death. His father called and we both talked to him as did his brother. Yes OP/me talked to him. We had a good time. There were plenty of laughs among the family.(Yes, we all laughed with and at each other and about gm…Irish thing). We asked about the gks. I had their pictures on display including his wife’s. She is a member of this family. And the pictures were placed in the coffin. Something being omitted? Sure there’s an 18 year old history here. Lots are being omitted.

 

[aicirt]

And you DO have a valid issue with your MIL. And the safety of your child comes first. And yes, some people are absolutely bats.

The OP does not strike me from what I’ve read as one of them. Her issue is that she has been marginalized in her son and gc lives for 18 years. Refused visits, lied to when they’ve been in town with people claiming not to be home, and in the process she has lost her son AND her only grandchildren.

Phone calls not returned. (And if she called again, would she be accused of “hounding” the DIL? When I call someone and they don’t return my call, I get the message.)

When your mother dies, do you really want a card 3 weeks later signed by DIL, the kids and the dog? Seriously. Has she even met the dog? Does the dog even care? To me, that’s just disrespectful. What message is being communicated there? Is this funny or something?

The point being… I don’t know how many of the posters here have watched a DIL do similar things to a brother and a family and been helpless to watch it. I take it most here are not of the age to have DILs themselves and know that if the mother of a house doesn’t like you, the whole house will end up falling off your radar.

And death is final. How many posters here have stood over your own parent’s coffins and realized the chance to make things right or to have your kids know them is now forever gone? Or stood with a spouse over his/her parent’s coffin and watched them realize they’re never going to have a chance to replace wasted time?

The 4th Commandment says Honor Your Father and Your Mother. It doesn’t say “Only if you think they deserve it.” And the bible tells you not to grieve your parents when they become elderly.

In the OP’s situation, she wasn’t putting kids on tractors and calling the DIL a “slut”.

I’ve watched MILs like that. I’ve laughed hysterically on the phone as my friends have told me outrageous stories of over-the-top MILs. My own tried to help the man who abused me take my children away from me. She didn’t want to believe precious baboo could do such things. Till he turned his full fury and venom on her. Now she’s having fun in that double wide far away after literally being dumped on the doorstep of a motel with her son telling her he never wants to see her F-ing face again. (as one of my children cried watching it.)

You know what? My children watched me drive over with some food for her to get her blood sugar levels to where she wouldn’t collapse. They watched me give her a hug. They watched me give her money for the cab. They watched me treat a woman who was horrible to me with respect and compassion.

They will NEVER be able to point at me as an example of “getting even” or vindictiveness. They will NEVER be able to point at any example I set as an excuse to being less than Christian with the people they encounter in life. I can look myself in the mirror till the day I die.

Has it been easy? NO! Have I had real reason to be angry at this woman? YES! Would anyone here blame me if they knew the whole story if I slapped her every time I saw her? Probably not.

Point being, it’s not about the MIL. It’s about what your children are watching YOU do and how YOU treat the people in your life. It’s about the example YOU set. My children will never be able to throw in MY face that I kept them from half their family or was “mean” to grandma.

What I did end up with was an ex-MIL who told me as she said goodbye that I was a good DIL, who had to reevaluate her whole opinion of “people who go to church all the time.”

One thing she never told me was “You Catholics are hypocrites.”

And you, sweet lady, is why God has your picture on His refrigerator.:angel1:

I’d like to add my own Bibical reference…The Book of Ruth.

Many of us have added the saying at the time of our vows which says, to paraphrase,…"Where thou goest, I will go. Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God. And when you die, there too will I be buried. "

That wasn’t a promise from a woman to her beloved. It was Ruth, a widowed dil, making a promise to Naomi, her widowed mil. Ruth followed Naomi back to Israel. Ruth was not a Jew. Naomi was so taken with her dil’s devotion, she found a rich kinsman and introduced the two. And, of course, they lived happily ever after.

But the blessings didn’t end there. God was so very pleased with Ruth, He made her the great-great grandmother of Christ.

As with all things in the Bible, these are given to us so that we may learn. Apparently, learning to live with in-laws is to be one of our duties as practicing Catholics.

 

[maryjk]

As with all things in the Bible, these are given to us so that we may learn. Apparently, learning to live with in-laws is to be one of our duties as practicing Catholics.

The question is, are you doing your part? Is your son doing his part? Or are you waiting for your DIL to do her part?

There are two sides to every story. If someone was friends with my MIL, they would think I was the devil. They would think that, right up until they met me.

 

[joandarc2008]

Ruth also did not have children and therefore did not have to worry about her children being turned against her by Naomi’s bad behavior. I have been through terrible situations with my in-laws and hopefully we are headed towards reconciliation but the damage that was done was so bad all through my dh’s life that he is probably going to be spending the next couple of years in therapy. All for a controlling narcissist that sets expectations and throws catch phrases without knowing the deeper meansings. For instance your catch phrase of Honor thy mother…

Check your catechesis training before you criticize someone else’s:

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

That paragraph is from the exact commandment that you tried to use wrongly before to show that your dil was not a Holy woman.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Flyfishing…all that you wrote proves my point. This attitude is out there. Part of me is wondering if you’re putting us on because, like my quandry re. dil, I’m baffled as to how and why you’ve developed these attitudes.

Like Catholic another poster said, Don’t get married.

I think the perspective flyingfish is trying to get to is this, in order to keep things at peace she wouldn’t stop her husband from talking to his family, whatever his choice is she would respect it…but that it didn’t mean she’d want to get involved because of such problems, like dils not meeting mils expectations, etc… She said she would be more than happy to visit even if there were problems in the family but that she wouldn’t go further than that…

How about the ones whom have tried to have a good relationship with the future mils and ended up getting humiliated over and over and over and over and then talked c-r-a-p about behind their backs for no reason??? Yet they still treat these women with respect and push their fiance’s to still have a good relationship with their mothers even though their own son’s don’t even want to speak with their mother’s?

I have pushed my fiance constantly to kit with his family, no matter what I bare no ill will towards them I get along with mine why can’t he? He refuses he doesn’t like it he says all they do is mistreat him and they mistreat me, why should he? But I still remind him honor thy father and thy mother …When he finally picked up the cell phone to talk to his father, his father told him -this was after the last psychotic episode from his mother towards me- his father told him :“just because she’s a negative thing in your life doesn’t mean I have to take it out on you that we don’t like her!” HE was like " yeah whatever! aha aha aha yeah WE’RE OK, doing great! Aha yeah, ok I’m busy bye dad!"

 

[iluvmybabies]

I try to be supportive and try to always have a positive view about things and always try to set a positive example even with the worst mistakes of my life but even though, there’s so much a person can take you know?!

With my exmil, oh man she kept telling everyone I was a goodie twoshoes! This is why she hated me! It was terrible! She hated it when my now exhusband, would eat with me at home with his wife and family, she would talk so much **** when “SHE DOESN’T LET HIM COME OVER AND EAT WITH HIS FAMILY ANYMORE!!!” It was ridiculous! We were not invited, it was for him his siblings father etc only…every day for dinner he was expected! I had so much food go to waste because he wouldn’t show up to eat dinner with us…It was ridiculous! Then when she was ill and no one would come visit her, I was there taking care of her, making sure she took her meds, her food, kept her warm and she almost lost her life, I didn’t move from her side!! With 2 youngings and one on the way, I was tired, didn’t even have time for my kids or myself but I made sure she had enough to eat…As soon as she started feeling better her daughter and sons started coming around and I felt I was not part of the crowd stopped coming over, I would bring her home made soups etc she started telling everyone I didn’t even help her, and that I was stealing her money!!!

She told everyone including my immediate family and uncles etc about 100 people not kidding you, from miami to california, all the way to family in canada and nicaragua, that I stole 20 grand from her!!! I couldn’t believe it! When I finally forced my now exhusband to confront her, he would NOT DO IT!! EVER! Never stuck up for me, never helped me always took his family’s side!!! I was ever so humiliated!! AND THIS WAS MY HUSBAND!!! When he finally confronted her she came over to the apt we were renting from her, to talk to me, so I told her why she was saying those things she straight out said “because I feel like it what the hell are you going to do about it!” I told her she was a liar, and that I felt sorry for her! She told me to get out she said “get the hell out of my apt you will never come back here again!” I told her the only reason I was there was because of my ridiculous husband! After that I left my husband I was done with his manipulation and his insane family!!!

Now I am stuck with another insane family but not with a manipulating nor non sticking up man! Thank GOD!! That’s all I gotta say! At least I have someone whom believes in me, trusts me, and sticks up for me when there is injustice going on!!!

If his parents were to come over and apologize to me, I would receive them with open arms but I would do as flyingfish says, far away and spaced out just put on a happy face and move on!!! Make visits short and not go into deep conversations. I have learned my lesson 2x to go through all this a 3rd time…I will not fall for my fiance’s mother’s drama…fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me 3x well…yeah…

So some reaction’s towards mils maybe from what they have seen from their own families etc…So one can’t be too harsh on them at all like we can’t be harsh at all on mils whom actually try to get along with their dils and sils…I know my parents have tried very hard…My sil doesn’t like my mom because of the way she treated me and my kids…So she mistreats my mom, she tells me things like “I dont let your mother touch my kids etc etc” It’s like “WOW what’s your problem?”! She will respond with “remember her favorites are still her favorites and those don’t include my kids nor yours I am not having my kids suffer a heart break like your daughter did so judge me I don’t care she’s not ruining my kids’ lives!”

She says this because one day she was around and my mother was being rude to my daughter, because of my sister’s daughter, mother’s favs, and my daughter asked me infront of my sil “why does granma hate me?!” THis was a 6 year old little girl asking me this because my mother kept blaming everything that happened to my niece on my daughter! SO I understand my sil reaction but I still think she’s taking it a bit too far, that was 5 years ago after all mother has changed a bit! But to each their own you know?! Gotta respect the woman she’s my brother’s wife and mother to his children! No matter how psycho she is! No one has ever disrespected her and I get along with her somewhat…Enough to still consider us a family!

So you never know where your dil’s reactions could have come from you know?! And if there’s an even deeper story…Sometimes people can pass around negative attitudes about you to your dil you know make up stories and that could be a reason why she might react towards you in a way that makes you feel as if she doesn’t like you or something???

And for saying don’t get married, that’s kind of harsh…first of all whom is anyone to tell someone not to get married just because they have a different way of viewing their family? I mean those of us whom have tried to get along with our mils at a huge failure because mils don’t want to or whatever their reasons are does that mean that person whom might not want to get along with any future mils because of the past traumas shouldn’t get married either??? That’s kind of upsetting to hear… I know I have tried at no avail… Does that mean I shouldn’t get married to my fiance when all I have ever done is try to treat others with respect and love and get the boot in return???

 

[AshleyBelle]

Are you familiar with St. Therese of Lisieux? Your situation reminded me of something from her autobiography…

If your DIL truly is being unloving and hurtful towards you, just remember to try and see Christ in her. It’s easy to see Him in people who are kind to us, but true holiness is in loving those who hurt us.

St. Therese once was asked to escort one of the older sisters from the convent to dinner. The woman was elderly and to put it mildly… "crochetty " She was cross with everyone she encountered. St.Therese decided to love this woman. She held her arm down the hallway and smiled, sincerely caring for her. She treated her as though she was Jesus Himself… and St. Therese heard beautiful music… Well, her gesture impacted the older woman’s heart greatly and she grew to love Therese very much.
We’re all called to be saints, to holiness. I recently read a quote from Arch Bishop Fulton Sheen that I hope may bless you as well…
“It does not require much time to make us saints, only much love.”

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I will say also… those who had only sons… some of those mothers hope that someday when their sons marry, they can have a mother/daughter-like relationship with the wife… that finally they’ll have the “daughter they never had.” What a disappointment to go into a relationship like that with open arms and to be shoved away by a young woman who wants no part of you after you put your life into giving birth and raising a man who was good enough for her to marry.

I wonder if these are the same people that then gripe when they are not included generously in the wills someday.

wow. tacky and not founded at all by anyone who has expressed a pov here.
for what it’s worth my mil had ONE kid bc that is all she wanted. and it was ME that was looking forward to having a nice mom-figure that I’d never had and was told clearly that there was a reason she’d had one kid and she wasn’t looking for another. She felt the same way about gc. she takes one of them shopping for their birthday once a year. The rest are only seen at social holiday events, if then. I don’t want a dang thing to do with their money or anything else of there’s and we never have. In fact, THAT was a HUGE issue early in our marriage. Because they wanted to use money to control us and I flat out wanted no part of it. They wanted to loan money, give money, or stuff and so forth and we refused bc it came with not just strings, but heavy chains. We felt it was healthier to not mix money and family. And it really ticked them off that they couldn’t make us do what they wanted by using the lure of money.

I’ve been in a hospital after delivery and received visitors. At no time during that was I half naked or trying to breastfeed.

that’s very good for you then, bc I have and obviously so have others.

I wonder if some of the people who are making comments have ever had a baby and felt the euphoria that overrides the post-delivery discomfort. By the way… are they as nasty to all the “friends” and “girlfriends” that will stop by?

NONE of my genuine friends, relatives, or whatnot stop unless they call first and ask. and none have ever felt slighted or miffed if we were honest and said that we just weren’t up to it.

Unfortunately, if you pick up on the thread, these are this elderly couple’s only grandchildren thus far. There’s pain involved there. And a very closed attitude that apparently the son has allowed (maybe in order to keep the peace… we won’t ever know.)

I get that she’s hurt, but it appears a good deal of it is petty and unfounded.

And I could just scream that HER SON and her are the problem. I have zero idea why these silly games are being played and all the drama.

I agree with other posters who say if a man was doing this with his wife’s family we would tell her there was a serious problem. A woman going into a marriage with an idea of “I don’t want to know the people who raised my husband” is not going to foster grandparent/grandchild relationships. I’ve seen that also backfire as kids hit late teens and are angry they were kept from half their family.

Yes there’s a serious problem if a a child of mine is acting this way. And the problem is with my child and me, not my child’s spouse.

I wonder if the kind of husband who endures this, if he were to protest and insist on family visits, wouldn’t be the kind who then finds himself cut off from marital relations. Women can be very controlling too.

oh for crying out loud. Are you serious? Are we actually saying that this guy can’t call his mommy or send her a card himself is because he is too hot to get at his wife? How immature is this guy? I have to tell you I think my dh and I have healthy umm drives, but that just would not work in this house.

The excuses being given for and the sheer obliviousness to this guy’s accountablity here and the heap of assumptions and blame being put on his wife are getting ridiculous.

There is something being omitted here.

I agree.

The more I read, the worse I feel for her dil.

I haven’t read anything major yet. Event all combined it’s still certainly nothing that would keep me from calling or sending gifts/cards or to harbor such harsh feelings. It’s really rather baffling to me that anyone would feel this way over the things she claims to be her injuries from this woman.

And again, if she really wants to mends things, then I suggest she change her dealings, bc so far, I’d run too. Fast and far.

I’m not saying it to be mean.

I’m saying it because that could be a way to mend things.

IF that’s what she really wants.

But if what she really wants is for them to do things her way and meet her expectations then there’s not much point in bothering. Because they aren’t going to do it and she is driving them away.