What is wrong with this marriage?

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kittery

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Hello everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve been to the forum… I started nursing school last month and it’s been a whirlwind so far.

I’ve asked for help on this board a few times with my marriage. I first came here when I was terribly frustrated with NFP in that I felt NFP was an obstacle rather than an avenue for our relationship.

Well, I’ve since stopped charting altogether because it seemed my husband had lost almost all interest in sex. When he would come around and get in the mood, I would usually have to turn him down because it wasn’t the “safe” part of my cycle.

Over the summer, we rearranged the bedrooms so that our two little ones would share a bed in their own room (this was my own concerted effort so that we could get better sleep and hopefully revitalize our bedroom life). Well, ever since our new bed arrived, DH has been sleeping in the other bedroom with the kids. Happily. His own choosing.

Now, he has never gotten the cold shoulder from me about this. I have NO CLUE WHY he likes it this way. But I don’t want to beg him to sleep with me. I want someone next to me who wants to be next to me. Not someone who’s next to me because that’s what a husband’s supposed to do.

We are not an angry or bitter couple. We parent our children with immense love and joy together. He supports me going to nursing school, I know this because he can’t wait to change jobs once I’m working as a nurse. We don’t go around in silence or walk on egg shells with each other.

I’m afraid of living my life with someone who is not in love with me. I don’t know what to do about that because I can’t make him be in love with me. I think that he is in love with our life together which includes two amazing children, shared beliefs, promising careers, and a new house on the way. But he’s not in love with me.

He has come in to our bedroom maybe 3 or 4 times since the sleeping situation has changed, but only in the middle of the night and only because he was in the mood. I have found porn sites in the history once, but only because I think he forgot to erase them. Usually when I use the computer after he’s used it, if I click on my favorites list, the history list is up because my guess is he “tampers” with it after he uses the computer.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Everyone here has been very thoughtful and helpful. That’s why I’m here.
 
This just sounds so wrong. Your husband needs to get counseling about this. I’m seeing red flags all over about potential of child abuse.
 
Just so this conversation doesn’t end up going down this road, my husband could NEVER abuse his children. I know this like I know my heart is beating. There is ZERO doubt in my mind. Please don’t send up judgements like this without knowing more. I’m ashamed that my words may have painted my husband in such a way that someone would think this way. How do you delete a post?
 
Dear sister in Jesus.
Do you and your husband pray together and read Scripture together?
I think it sounds like you have a wonderful life together… BUT the porn thing has got to stop. You have to set boundaries and not accept this in your house, both for the sake of you yourself and for the sake of your family.
I would say: sit down with him. Tell him how you feel about him and how hurt you are. Ask him in a straight forward manner if he does not miss sleeping with you…
And if you salt it with a bit of humor and make a little bit fun of your self (like maybe if you tell him that he turns you on) maybe he will have an easier time loosing up and telling you what is actually going on with him.
Let us know what happens… oh… thats sounds like I am curious…okay, never mind:) but I hope everything works out. And ReMeMber: You are worth it.
 
Pong said:
I see no red flags… :confused:
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Er, me neither. I slept with my dad all the time when I was a kid (my parents didn’t share a room either), and my dad never abused me.

We (me, dh, three kids) kind of sleep wherever we happen to end up. We have two king size beds, and a double that no one uses (my 12 y/o dd doesn’t like to sleep alone either, even though she has her own room). So it’s usually:

Me and DH in our room/all 3 girls in other room
2 younger girls (ages 6 and 3) and DH/me and older DD in other room
Me, DH and one of the younger kids in our room/2 girls in other room

I think it’s kinda weird that in western society we don’t think it’s normal to sleep with our kids (which has nothing to do with the OP’s legitimate complaint, btw). Not that I think anyone has to have a “family bed,” just that it’s a pretty normal thing.

Not that parents don’t sometimes abuse their children, but whether or not they sleep in the same bed is not necessarily a red flag.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming…
 
I think what the person was refering to is the porn sites on the computer.

I know of a few very good, loving men who lost marriages because what began as ‘looking out of curiosity’ graduated to full blown porn addictions. Unfortunately, one of the marriages fell apart…the other one I know of is weathering the storm, but it has been a very difficult time and has caused lots of problems.

You have not painted your husband as a bad person - but you would be foolish not to confront him on the porn issue. This would be for your safety as well as his…and your children’s safety…and not because he is a horrible person.

You are in my prayers…as is your family!
 
I don’t know what to tell you about the porn on the computer, but my gut says that that is not the thing to address just now…

I gather from your post that you are not telling your husband what is on your mind? It sort of sounds to me like you’re saying, “I don’t want to beg my husband to come to bed because he should love me enough to do it on his own.” Which sounds to me like wanting him to read your mind.

I think it’s possible that your husband thinks that YOU don’t want HIM in your bed. Or, he may honestly find it easier to sleep at night if he doesn’t have to deal with your body next to him when it’s not a safe time.

At any rate, I really think you should talk to him about it. And, I don’t think it would be wrong to say, “Hey! Get back in here!” if you really think that is how a marriage should be.
 
LSK said:
I think what the person was refering to is the porn sites on the computer.

I know of a few very good, loving men who lost marriages because what began as ‘looking out of curiosity’ graduated to full blown porn addictions. Unfortunately, one of the marriages fell apart…the other one I know of is weathering the storm, but it has been a very difficult time and has caused lots of problems.

You have not painted your husband as a bad person - but you would be foolish not to confront him on the porn issue. This would be for your safety as well as his…and your children’s safety…and not because he is a horrible person.
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I agree.
 
Sleeping in the bed is a cultural/social thing - there is no verse in the Bible or dogmatic teaching of the Church that says “Thou Shalt Sleep in the Same Bed”. Many of of the Saints of Old from Scripture did not sleep in the same bed with the spouse every night, that was just not done back then.

Work on the porn issue - then deal with the logistics of who sleeps where.
 
I have a friend who doesn’t sleep in the same room with her husband either. they appear to be a very happy and loving couple. Their child is well loved.

But her husband gets up at like 4am for work and instead of being woken up she chooses to sleep in the spare room.

If it bothers you, find out why he’s doing it. Maybe he doesn’t want to be woken up when you leave? Maybe he wants you to be able to actually sleep after a long day at school.

🤷
 
Go to Retrouvaille. It will teach you both new ways of communication so you can find out why he is behaving like this and he can find out what you are feeling about it. www.retrouvaille.org
 
Many of you thought that I should confront him about the porn. It’s so uncomfortable to do, and if he’s not doing it I hate to make him feel like I can’t trust him.

Ok, so this may sound naive of me, but here we go anyway…

Based on the fact that I did spot porn sites listed in the history one time, is that enough that I should confront him about it? In addition, after he uses the computer, when I open the tab for “My Favorites”, the history tab is usually open instead. I never use the history tab so I know it’s him who’s switching it. It always has my history plus two or three websites that he’s viewed which are clean sites. But I do have a hard time believing that he gets on the internet and views only two or three sites and then logs off. Instead, I think that maybe he is viewing porn and then tampering with the history so I can’t find out. I think the one time I saw the porn in the history, he didn’t have the time to clear it out when I came home unexpectedly.

What would some of you think if your spouse was behaving this way?
 
First of all, pray…
kage_ar said:
I guess I am the odd one round these parts, but, I would simply ask him.
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I second you on that. Just ask him, not confrontational, simply because any Catholic would want to know why there was a porn site on their history. It wouldn’t be making a deal of it, simply let him know you saw it and was wondering how it got there. You don’t need to accuse him of anything or say anything that would put him on defense mode. After that the ball is in his court. If he denies anything, don’t confront, just keep an eye open for the computer again.

Also, is there anyway you can address the other issue by talking with him too? I know its probably tough, but maybe you can just start off by just asking if he likes that new bed a lot, or if there is any reason why he has started sleeping in the other room. No confrontation, or trying to make him feel guilty or anything, just see what he says. Depending on what he says you can later let him know how you feel it affects your marriage etc.

These are just my ideas of what I think I would do if I was in what I have understood your situation to be…
 
Confronting someone I love about this is easier said than done. It’s embarrassing, disappointing, and painful to think that he is looking at porn on top of not being intimate with me. I feel like I must be a disappointment to him as a wife. All of the recent events in our marriage have made me feel pretty low, and I don’t have it in me to beg for his affection anymore. I don’t mean to whine and ramble, I’m just feeling ill-prepared for dealing with this issue and would like support. 😊
 
Oh, asking and confronting are two way different things.

Here is how I would do it. Make time every single day to TALK to your husband - if it means you both get up 30 minutes early and have coffee before the kids wake up, or, if you put them to bed then have time together - have time to talk.

Maybe have a friend come watch the kids for awhile and go for a walk some evening… Do not confront, just talk.

Tell him like you said here “Honey, I feel sort of unattractive these days. There was some porn site on the machine a couple of weeks ago, and that made me feel worse. Is there something we need to talk about?” Give him a chance, in a simple conversational way, to discuss how you feel.

I really suggest Matthew Kelly’s book “The 7 Levels of Intimacy” - this is your husband, your best friend, you should be able to talk about anything and everything with him.
 
lifeisbeautiful said:
First of all, pray…

I second you on that. Just ask him, not confrontational, simply because any Catholic would want to know why there was a porn site on their history. It wouldn’t be making a deal of it, simply let him know you saw it and was wondering how it got there. You don’t need to accuse him of anything or say anything that would put him on defense mode. After that the ball is in his court. If he denies anything, don’t confront, just keep an eye open for the computer again.

Also, is there anyway you can address the other issue by talking with him too? I know its probably tough, but maybe you can just start off by just asking if he likes that new bed a lot, or if there is any reason why he has started sleeping in the other room. No confrontation, or trying to make him feel guilty or anything, just see what he says. Depending on what he says you can later let him know how you feel it affects your marriage etc.

These are just my ideas of what I think I would do if I was in what I have understood your situation to be…
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I’d do this, but in the opposite order. I’d ask about the sleeping arrangements first and then the sites. I don’t think you’re whining or rambling, either. I think you’re asking advice on how to approach something. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck!
 
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