Sure, I’ll share. My biggest cross has been my infertility, now my sterility. DH and I have been trying to have a child for almost three years and it never happened. I finally saw a gynecologist about it; he discovered I have low malignant potential, or borderline, ovarian tumors. Usually this is caught early enough that surgery can be done, while still preserving fertility. That wasn’t so in my case, the cancer had actually spread beyond my ovaries, so everything came out.
I was really depressed about it after my surgery, which was May 9. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to deal with this. My husband has been amazing; he’s such a wonderful man. I just felt guilty that he can’t ever have biological children. We’ve been talking about adoption for over a year, but he really wanted to do what we could to have biological children first. Plus, I was dealing with my own grief, my own feeling like I was somehow less a woman because of the surgery.
Fastforward to now. It hasn’t been all that long, but I’m mostly physically healed up. Life is back to normal and I’m actually better physically and mentally than I was before the surgery. I think part of it is that I’ve had to take charge of my health, I’ve been eating right and excercising. The biggest thing, though, is that I’m finally at peace with being infertlie. Everywhere I go now, I see adoptive families, I read something about adoption, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are going to be adoptive parents.
It sounds strange but the surgery has actually helped me to do with my infertility. I no longer have monthly cycles, so I don’t have that anxious waiting, the “am I pregnant???” thoughts going through my mind all the time, only to be let down once again. It’s like God closed that door so that we can finally open the door we’ve been meant to go through this whole time.
I don’t have any big words of wisdom to offer. At my darkest, right after the surgery, I was physically unable to go to church, so I didn’t go to Mass more often, or get to Adoration. I didn’t even read my Bible more often, like I should have. What I did do was to pray often, nothing scripted, mostly it was along the lines of Why did this happen? Help me to deal with this. Show me Your will through this. A quiet trust in God has helped me through this and has helped me to carry this cross. Now I pray that He’ll show me the way to our children, so that I can officially lay that cross down. I know there will be others in my life, probably much harder than this, but we’re stronger now, and we can deal with them.
Hope this wasn’t too much for you!! I tend to get a little wordy.
I guess, considering that my life thus far has been amazing (unbelievably wonderful parents, a near-idyllic childhood, a great education, jobs I’ve loved, the great husband mentioned above, lots of good friends, and a fantastic parish), this isn’t so bad. We’re otherwise happy, financially independent, well-fed, healthy, employed, close to family and friends, and have a few furry friends to keep the house a bit more full. I can’t complain.
. For you, remember , His mercy endures forever. I’m proof of it. All I had to do was call His name and He came. Tim