What makes a man a good husband/father?

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I think that different things are important to different people. Ask your wife what things are most important to her. Pay attention to your kids. Other examples: If there’s a toy on the floor that someone can trip on, pick it up and put it away. If you go to get yourself a cup of coffee or a snack, ask your wife if she wants one too. If you’re watching something on tv and your child wants to play, don’t say “not now I’m busy” - turn off the tv. Put your coffee cup in the sink instead of leaving it on the coffee table - better yet wash it out yourself. If your wife asked you to fix something, do it asap not 2 years from now. Bring a surprise gift every once in awhile. Show affection without expecting sex. Compliment your wife and children.
 
Two very wonderful books to help you:
Be a Man by Fr Larry Richards
Five Love Languages
 
Here is something that continually makes me fall in love with my husband again and again (even after more than 10 years marriage and over 20 years of knowing him) -
Every night before we go to sleep (if we haven’t both killed over early), he says “will you marry me?” - and I respond “always” - I highly suggest this - it’s the advice my husband gave to his Younger brother on his wedding day as best man. No matter what has happened, it makes me remember this is the man I love and loves me and nothing will ever change that - no it doesn’t ‘fix’ all problems but goodness it keeps me centered and heck, it’s just romantic! I keep a journal - I can look back on when we were dating and read how I felt or read how I felt 2 years ago and I’m reminded of what a wonderful husband I have (this helps especially if I’m annoyed about something - going back and remembering how good he is and how getting upset over something small in the scheme of things just isn’t worth it)- but if you can, keep reminders of the wonderful times you’ve had so she can be reminded of what a great guy you are!
So, I hope this helps - all the other advice is good as well and it’s lovely that you’re thinking about this stuff!
Also, you probably know this, but always let your wife know she’s beautiful - ESPECIALLY when she’s pregnant and at times she may not be feeling desirable. Even if she says a million times “i’m not really…”, “you don’t really think that…” or whatever, believe me, it means something! it means ALOT! I know we shouldn’t be overly into our appearances - but the fact is that as a woman (at least me and most that I know) want to know that no matter what state we’re in that we’re desirable - and if she does put some weight on - don’t point it out - she knows, believe me! But begin asking her if she’ll go on walks with you - let her know if she wants to work out that you’ll watch that new baby while she gets some me time (even if it’s for 15 minutes of work out and an hour of getting a coffee/smoothie and chatting with some of the girls) -
I don’t see a lot of me out there that treat/love their wives as the Christ treats His Church but if you’re at least trying, I promise, we’ll notice and in this case, efforts are sooo much more important than results necessarily (my opinion) - the advice about feeling safe I agree with - doing the things I’ve mentioned will never hurt the situation.
The flowers and gifts are nice too - but I can remember more when my husband actually picked the flowers or picked them out more than just having them delivered.
Oh and my best friend tells me that her husband appears so much more sexy after she’s been able to take her 3-4 hour nap (they have 4 kids) when he has his day off. It’s amazing how real sleep (without interruptions) can change your attitude. And if per chance your wife has a good friend who wants to visit and take her away for a few days, don’t call 6 hours into her few days off asking “so, is there any chance you guys are coming back any earlier?” (I know very specific, but you get the idea…)
Let me know what you think about these idea!
God Bless
Rye
 
Thanks so far for all the advice! I hope this thread keeps going, because I would really like to keep getting more ideas. A couple things that have really stuck themselves in my mind (hopefully permanently) are working on my patience (a very big challenge for me, although I feel as though I have made significant progress lately) and Rye’s suggestion about asking her to marry me daily…never thought about that!

Thanks everyone! Keep them coming!🙂
 
28562 said:
I’m looking for things that I may need to concentrate on to continue to improve myself…Maybe there are some areas that I could improve that I haven’t even thought about. So, what makes everyone out there think that a man is a good husband and father? I’m looking for specific ideas, so if you say abstract things like ‘thoughtful, kind, loving, yadda yadda yadda…’ give a concrete example of what you are saying.
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Can’t go wrong with the ability to support a family economically, as well being physically strong and capable. Banal but kinda true.
 
28562 said:
I’m looking for things that I may need to concentrate on to continue to improve myself…Maybe there are some areas that I could improve that I haven’t even thought about. So, what makes everyone out there think that a man is a good husband and father? I’m looking for specific ideas, so if you say abstract things like ‘thoughtful, kind, loving, yadda yadda yadda…’ give a concrete example of what you are saying.
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The ideas others have given so far sound great, and I would expand on the very important one already suggested about not viewing pornography and, of course, all of the other sins that follow along with that which can hurt a wife so deeply. Also not trying to sneak glances or stares at other women, especially when with your dear wife. Husbands may think wives don’t know or that their roaming eyes are well hidden behind sunglasses, but believe me, wives definitely know, and it hurts a marriage deeply.

Also trying to be patient with your wife and children as much as you possibly can, not losing your temper or lashing out in harsh or criticizing words. And if you do (since we’re all so human), saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it as soon as possible afterwards. Some men have a real hard time ever saying (and/or meaning) those two extremely important words, but they can go so far toward building a beautiful marriage!

Also avoiding veiled sarcastic criticism or “joking” about things you may not like about your wife. Many men do this and think it’s fine if a wife seems hurt by saying after, “It was only a joke!” but once it’s said, it’s said, and it hurts.

Just the fact that you started this thread is a great sign that you will be an excellent husband and father! May the sweet earthly father of Jesus, St. Joseph, help intercede for you always as you keep Our Lord close in your life.
 
bmaj said:
The ideas others have given so far sound great, and I would expand on the very important one already suggested about not viewing pornography and, of course, all of the other sins that follow along with that which can hurt a wife so deeply. Also not trying to sneak glances or stares at other women, especially when with your dear wife. Husbands may think wives don’t know or that their roaming eyes are well hidden behind sunglasses, but believe me, wives definitely know, and it hurts a marriage deeply.

Also trying to be patient with your wife and children as much as you possibly can, not losing your temper or lashing out in harsh or criticizing words. And if you do (since we’re all so human), saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it as soon as possible afterwards. Some men have a real hard time ever saying (and/or meaning) those two extremely important words, but they can go so far toward building a beautiful marriage!

Also avoiding veiled sarcastic criticism or “joking” about things you may not like about your wife. Many men do this and think it’s fine if a wife seems hurt by saying after, “It was only a joke!” but once it’s said, it’s said, and it hurts.

Just the fact that you started this thread is a great sign that you will be an excellent husband and father! May the sweet earthly father of Jesus, St. Joseph, help intercede for you always as you keep Our Lord close in your life.
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One can’t really have to walk on eggshells in a marriage though, or try to fix all the wrongs done by everybody else. As for apologising, I’d like to add that the Opening Poster must realise that his future may and in all probability will be wrong in a good share of their disagreements (which are almost guaranteed to happen from time to time). In that case, the Opening Poster will need to deal with the situation appropriately without unduly taking the blame on himself or reinforcing his wife in her mistake (e.g. wrong judgement of a situation, misremembering a date or some other piece of information and insisting about it, snapping under emotions, being in error in a moral or faith matter, all sorts of things people can be wrong about). He will also encounter situations in which his wife will be hurt or angry without his fault or, worse, with his fault but out of proportion to it. It takes some people skills (generally acquired with experience but much helped by thoughtfulness) to solve such problems.
 
Catholic marriage vows say it all “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. Until death do us part.”
**EVEN WHEN IT HURTS!!! **

All you gotta do is live your vows that you promised to her and to God and you’ll be a good spouse. For example say she is made and upset you should show your love some how (like give the kids a bath) anyway. She may not appreciate it then but it will show love none the less. God loves us even when we don’t return it and he has called us to do the same for others.
 
28562;9219595 So said:
Here’s a concrete example of a good father. After our daughter was born 2.5 months premature, she never learned to nurse. I had to exclusively pump at least 6 times a day, while working full time and caring for a high needs infant. DH made the pumping happen by taking on every aspect of the operation except the pumping itself. He made sure the supplies were always clean and the pump was always ready for me. The cleaning process takes probably 10 to 15 minutes each time, so his dedication to the project saved me at least 2 hours a day. No way would I have been able to keep that up without his doing everything that he did. Thanks to him taking that on, our daughter got breastmilk for 11 months (I had a good supply, so could freeze some) instead of formula - a very big deal for a preemie.
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Lots of good advice here. If I were more adept at cutting and pasting certain points, I would do so.

I think it is very importnat for both to consider those traits that negatively affect the marriage. Sometimes these are traits that we were born with (ie. just our personality) and
sometimes these are traits that result from bad experiences in our pasts. We should always look to work on them and admit when they have caused issues in the marriage. It’s one thing for us to have faults. It’s another when it starts to hurt the relationship/others.

Be willing to apologize when you are wrong. Be willing to forgive, forgive, forgive. When you argue/work through issues, try not to bring up past hurts or wrongdoings and don’t use put-downs. Spend more time working through issues with your spouse than getting advice from others.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. This means expressing as well as listening/receiving. Don’t bottle things up. Don’t be afraid to discuss things with her (even if you think she’s not going to like it). Don’t hide things out of fear. Be open and honest.

The popular phrase of “don’t sweat the small stuff” is partly true. Usually, that phrase is followed by…“it’s all small stuff”. Yes, we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, but it’s not all small stuff. Don’t sweat the small stuff (and I would put household chores, etc in small stuff). Pick your battles. I think if you focus on the big stuff, the small stuff falls in place. For example, if you’ve got good communication, figuring out household chores will be a piece of cake.

Well, that was a lot. Hope that helps you (and anyone else).
 
Men, who are called to serve as husbands and fathers, I pray that you find these words and may the seeds be planted in the hearts of all men that will hear you. It was the destruction of the family that has destroyed this nation in the US and your virtue (Latin word meaning “to be a man.”) will break any sword.
You have the duty to serve, firstly your wife; yet, you do not know your role!
You are her Savior!
You are her Sanctifier!
You are her Satisfier!
Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church. Christ showed His love in SACRIFICE, SUFFERING and SUBSTITUTION.
Sacrificing for Your Wife by his command and example, He gave Himself up for The Holy Mother Church, The Bride of Christ! Your love should be cruciform-in the shape of a cross. It is NOT about wearing a crown and being King of our castle. He wore a crown of THORNS first and then the cross came before His glory! Is the sacrificial way you love your wife obvious in ANY way? Men love to rap, rap, rap about their love and sound SO impressive about how we are going to protect them and even die if need be. Who do you personally know anyone who has actually taken a bullet? Can you nail your desires and agenda to the cross and love our wives and meet her needs? The sacrifice has to go beyond words…she HAS to see you walk that walk!
To sanctify something is to set it apart from ordinary use for a special purpose. God takes ordinary objects and peoples and sanctifies them for His Glory. They are set apart from their past and unto the future He would wish for them. You made promises to your wife (or will) about her future, are you just parroting words? Again, the Bride of Christ, His Body, and The Church is disconnected from a past of sin and through His grace we are made obedient to His given law and will. The process of this transformation was manifested through His death and until you die to yourself and leave your worldly desires in the world you should be disconnected from, you are not the example that Christ gave; you are just talking a good talk! If a man does not work, he should not eat…seeing how Hollywood, the TV and the ‘street’ are the antithesis of the truth?
Satisfying the needs of your wife as Christ does for His Church is probably a little harder than any of us thought it would be. “C’mon, I had NO IDEA that she was THAT needy!” Well, you talked such a good game while you were trying to win her over…but, you did not realize that you were going to have to become a servant to learn how to become the leader. Christ washed the feet of His Apostles giving us the example to do as He has done. Do not wait around for your wives to serve you, set the example in your home by being the one who serves!
 
baylee said:
. . . Sometimes these are traits that we were born with (ie. just our personality) and sometimes these are traits that result from bad experiences in our pasts. We should always look to work on them and admit when they have caused issues in the marriage. It’s one thing for us to have faults. It’s another when it starts to hurt the relationship/others.

Be willing to apologize when you are wrong. Be willing to forgive, forgive, forgive. When you argue/work through issues, try not to bring up past hurts or wrongdoings and don’t use put-downs. Spend more time working through issues with your spouse than getting advice from others.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. This means expressing as well as listening/receiving. Don’t bottle things up. Don’t be afraid to discuss things with her (even if you think she’s not going to like it). Don’t hide things out of fear. Be open and honest.

The popular phrase of “don’t sweat the small stuff” is partly true. Usually, that phrase is followed by…“it’s all small stuff”. Yes, we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, but it’s not all small stuff. Don’t sweat the small stuff (and I would put household chores, etc in small stuff). Pick your battles. I think if you focus on the big stuff, the small stuff falls in place. For example, if you’ve got good communication, figuring out household chores will be a piece of cake.

Well, that was a lot. Hope that helps you (and anyone else).
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Really good advice:thumbsup:
 
28562 said:
Thanks so far for all the advice! I hope this thread keeps going, because I would really like to keep getting more ideas.
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How old are your children, and do you have boys or girls? How long have you been married? Just thought this might help tailor my suggestions.
 
MotherAtHeart said:
How old are your children, and do you have boys or girls? How long have you been married? Just thought this might help tailor my suggestions.
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5yo girl
3.5yo boy
2yo boy

Married 6 years in a couple weeks…

I’m open to anything. I always need more ideas for how to be better…
 
28562 said:
5yo girl
3.5yo boy
2yo boy

Married 6 years in a couple weeks…

I’m open to anything. I always need more ideas for how to be better…
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First of all, I’ve been meaning to say - If you’re asking, you’re probably already doing better than you think.

So, I found this great list a couple of weeks ago - it’s called 50 Rules for Dads of Daughters. Some of them are very specific. Some of them are general and you can apply them in your own way. The advice applies from little girls to teenage daughters. Here are a few examples of the specific ones:
  1. Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually.
  2. Buy her a glove and teach her to throw a baseball. Make her proud to throw like a girl… a girl with a wicked slider.
  3. Dance with her. Start when she’s a little girl or even when she’s a baby. Don’t wait ‘til her wedding day.
  4. Learn to say no. She may pitch a fit today, but someday you’ll both be glad you stuck to your guns.
  5. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise.
  6. Letting her ride on your shoulders is pure magic. Do it now while you have a strong back and she’s still tiny.
  7. Ice cream covers over a multitude of sins. Know her favorite flavor.
I had to resist posting the whole thing. See the whole list at: fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters
The writer of this list also has a great blog: lifetoheryears.com/

For boys: I would suggest the building of forts - they will do this themselves but will forever remember when you join in. Or teach them how. I would also suggest reading the book Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. The truth in this book is astounding and it’s coming from a Father and husband’s perspective which I can’t provide. It’s Christian rather than Catholic, but I didn’t notice much inconsistency.

Oh, one of the tips for daughters - dancing with her - applies to wives too. Most women love to dance. I know some men don’t like to because they aren’t comfortable. If you don’t know how - I would suggest learning. Sign up for class with her or learn on your own. If you’re not sure how she would react - just ask her about lessons and see if her face lights up. If you know how, suggest a date night where you go out dancing. She’ll love it. And date nights in general are important.

If I’m hit with more inspiration, I’ll write some more.

Is that the direction you’re looking for?
 
MotherAtHeart said:
For boys: I would suggest the building of forts
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Just realized this wasn’t clear. I was thinking pillow forts built with sheets in the living room or their bedrooms. It may have sounded like tree houses. But those are good too. Just takes a lot more time.
 
Well we just received the very sad news last week that my sister-in-law’s husband has asked for a divorce and says he no longer loves her. They have two girls ages 8 & 2. She is devastated, we all are.

So most of all, be faithful to your vows. Be responsible for the family you have helped create and work at remaining in love with your spouse, don’t let anything divide you. Marriages all have ups and downs and even times of crisis but with God’s constant love and help we are in it for the long haul. Make your home a place of warmth, happiness and refuge and keep your family united.
 
AllSeasons said:
I would recommend reading the book “The Resolution for Men” by Kendrick and Alcorn. This is exactly what they talk about in the book - being a man of God, being a man to your wife, and being a man to your children. The book was given to me as a gift. I’m in the middle of reading it now, and I would highly recommend it.
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A most interesting thing happened today. I brought this book with me to read while I waited to get my car serviced at the dealership. The gentleman I talked to caught a glimpse of the back of the book, and immediately recognized it. He said that he’s reading it, too, and that he’s part of a group of five men from work who are working through the book chapter by chapter. It was awesome to hear that. A sign from God and perhaps just the Christian fellowship I needed to continue reading the book?
 
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