What should I do?

[Burt_Macklin]

Thank you everyone, so much, for your prayers and advice.

He is 19 now and maintains his innocence, the girl was 10…

10

I don’t care what he did, she was 10. I love the idea of the Dick Cheney treatment. I know it is wrong to think that way…

My sister was very close, she was my sole babysitter and frequently visited my house. I did tell her he wasn’t welcome here until I had a full explanation from him, he just says he knows nothing about the complaint, no names no dates etc. She will not believe he is lying to her. How can that be true?

I didn’t mean to be cruel when I said he had no future, It was more an outlook, he has no job and no ambition, doesn’t even have a drivers license.

I don’t want to condemn any one , This is already creating a huge rift in or family. (again) just got over one and up pops another.

We have an appointment to talk to our priest soon, should I ask him to get my parents to talk to her? Mom has tried, sort of? Or have him do it?

Thanks guys!! Thanks so much, it just feels better to know that people out there care. She has a heart of gold, (part of the problem) and I want to handle this properly so I don’t cause more harm than good.

It makes no sense for your sister to take the risk with dating him. Even if he is innocent there are plenty of other fish in the sea who don’t come with that sort of baggage. I know that is hard to get through to a young girl in love but it’s the truth. If it were me I would boycott any event that the boy was invited to. Not worth the risk IMHO.

 

[PolarGuy]

Mr. Maklin, I’d offer the following:

1. Everyone in prison is innocent. Everyone. There are very few inmates who will admit to actually doing what they’re in for. They’re all innocent (suuuuuuuuuure they are).
2. You haven’t offered a single verifiable instance of someone pleading guilty to a crime they didn’t commit.
3. Although I’m sure what you are postulating has happened, the issue is what is more likely in this and almost all instances. Most of us, if accused of horrible acts with a 10 year old, would fight to the end to beat the rap, in part because child molesters are scum in prison and often fact “prisoners’ justice.” The fact remains that this man pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor, such that he has 9 years probation (which is a really long time). Regardless of what the pedophile says now, an admission of guilt in court must be taken as a clear sign that the events he plead guilty to did in fact occur. If anything, the plea suggests something worse occurred; he was likely charged with something worse and plead to a lesser charge.

 

[Allegra]

That’s not true. Innocent people plead guilty all the time if the price to try and prove their innocence is set too high.

In the case of a sexual molestation charge against a minor, the price of pleading guilty is just about as high as you can get. As others have pointed out, you don’t get to serve your time and then you’re done. You ability to find employment and housing is severely diminished for the rest of your life. You’d be better off fighting this kind of charge with a court appointed attorney if you have to.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Mr. Maklin, I’d offer the following:

1. Everyone in prison is innocent. Everyone. There are very few inmates who will admit to actually doing what they’re in for. They’re all innocent (suuuuuuuuuure they are).
2. You haven’t offered a single verifiable instance of someone pleading guilty to a crime they didn’t commit.
3. Although I’m sure what you are postulating has happened, the issue is what is more likely in this and almost all instances. Most of us, if accused of horrible acts with a 10 year old, would fight to the end to beat the rap, in part because child molesters are scum in prison and often fact “prisoners’ justice.” The fact remains that this man pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor, such that he has 9 years probation (which is a really long time). Regardless of what the pedophile says now, an admission of guilt in court must be taken as a clear sign that the events he plead guilty to did in fact occur. If anything, the plea suggests something worse occurred; he was likely charged with something worse and plead to a lesser charge.

1. I’ve no doubt that is true.
2. Bryan Banks comes to mind as a widely publicized instance of an innocent man forced to plead guilty to a crime he didn’t commit. Here is an article about how the system extorts innocent people into entering guilty plees.
3. Well the man is 19 now and is out of prison (if he ever was sent to prison to begin with) and only has 9 years of probation to go. That isn’t a very long time if your other option is to roll the dice on spending decades upon decades in prison. I don’t think you can say with any certainty what decision most of us would make if it were our own heads we were gambling with. As for treating the young man as guilty, that would certainly seem like the wisest course considering the consequences of getting it wrong.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

In the case of a sexual molestation charge against a minor, the price of pleading guilty is just about as high as you can get. As others have pointed out, you don’t get to serve your time and then you’re done. You ability to find employment and housing is severely diminished for the rest of your life. You’d be better off fighting this kind of charge with a court appointed attorney if you have to.

According to the OP this man has 9 years of probation and isn’t registered as a sex offender. That sounds like serving your time and being done to me. Look up the case of Brian Banks I mentioned. He pleaded guilty to raping a 15 year old so that he could only get 5 years in prison, 5 years probation, and a lifetime registration as a sex offender. He was faced with 41 years in prison if he chose a jury trial. All I’m saying is that the justice system is designed to get innocent people to plead guilty to crimes they did not commit and many in fact do just that.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

If people want to get all bent out of shape because OP said the pedophile in question has “no future,” they’re wrong to do so. God forgives, but us mere mortals should be exceedingly wary of the man in question…

Believe me, I did not throw a chair across the room, get red in the face any yell “THAT IS A OUTRAGE!!!” when I read the OP say her sisters boyfriend has no future. I did not get bent out of shape and I definitely agree that the guy should not be trusted. Just stating the fact that we do not know if the op has a future or not. If the op would have said “Nope, I definitely know he does not have a future” I would probably just have said “Okay, I guess you are a psychic” and left it alone It definitely will be harder to have a future considering his crime. It was hard enough for me with a record not related to anything that can get someone P.C.D up in jail to find work and I was looking for work during 2009 the worst year of the recession.

 

[AdamP88]

According to the OP this man has 9 years of probation and isn’t registered as a sex offender. That sounds like serving your time and being done to me. Look up the case of Brian Banks I mentioned. He pleaded guilty to raping a 15 year old so that he could only get 5 years in prison, 5 years probation, and a lifetime registration as a sex offender. He was faced with 41 years in prison if he chose a jury trial. All I’m saying is that the justice system is designed to get innocent people to plead guilty to crimes they did not commit and many in fact do just that.

I don’t care how many years I was facing. I would never plead guilty to any sex crime. I’d literally rather die.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you everyone, so much, for your prayers and advice.

He is 19 now and maintains his innocence, the girl was 10…

10

I don’t care what he did, she was 10. I love the idea of the Dick Cheney treatment. I know it is wrong to think that way…

My sister was very close, she was my sole babysitter and frequently visited my house. I did tell her he wasn’t welcome here until I had a full explanation from him, he just says he knows nothing about the complaint, no names no dates etc. She will not believe he is lying to her. How can that be true?

I didn’t mean to be cruel when I said he had no future, It was more an outlook, he has no job and no ambition, doesn’t even have a drivers license.

I don’t want to condemn any one , This is already creating a huge rift in or family. (again) just got over one and up pops another.

We have an appointment to talk to our priest soon, should I ask him to get my parents to talk to her? Mom has tried, sort of? Or have him do it?

Thanks guys!! Thanks so much, it just feels better to know that people out there care. She has a heart of gold, (part of the problem) and I want to handle this properly so I don’t cause more harm than good.

No more babysitting for sis until he’s long, long gone.

 

[Xantippe]

This is a little speculative, but it just occurred to me that in this day and age, if he were guilty, it’s very likely that the investigation found stuff on his phone. So, it wouldn’t necessarily be a he-said-she-said–there might in fact be a lot of indisputable evidence.

It has happened before that there was damning phone evidence–for instance in the Cleveland TX case or the Steubenville case.

 

[pianistclare]

Right.
And also, if he was charged as a minor, none of his “history” would be available to people outside of the police force. (I’m guessing, I’m not positive).

At any rate… I wouldn’t want my sister to be on the 11 o’clock news one day.
Here’s praying that she finds it in her heart to move on from this relationship.
Continue to gently steer her away.
Peace.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have a general rule on life. I don’t let my kids around convicted sexual felons. Of course this only applies when I know about the convictionIt’s a simple rule that I can’t imagine would ever be challenged.

It need not be more complicated than that.

 

[HouseArrest]

I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near him. Even if you keep them by your side at all times, they will get used to seeing him around and will start to trust him to some degree, even if you explicitly tell them he is bad news.

 

[Xantippe]

I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near him. Even if you keep them by your side at all times, they will get used to seeing him around and will start to trust him to some degree, even if you explicitly tell them he is bad news.

That is a really, really good point, and perhaps one to share with members of the extended family.

 

[WJeffrey]

It should not be a problem for long. Your sister will catch him cheating on her with another 10 year old. I doubt their relationship will last when he is in prison. Please make sure it isn’t your children, because it is going to happen again.

 

[kptrs]

It should not be a problem for long. Your sister will catch him cheating on her with another 10 year old. I doubt their relationship will last when he is in prison. Please make sure it isn’t your children, because it is going to happen again.

Think again. She’s young and naive. If she weren’t, the relationship wouldn’t have gotten this far. She has enough information to know he’s bad news, and she’s chosen to let him into her life anyway. Even if she catches him red-handed, the childish, desperate-for-love blinders she’s got on are going to interfere with whatever common sense she has left. She can’t be trusted to protect herself, let alone those around her (the OP’s children and other family members and whoever else this guy is in contact with thanks to her relationship with him).

 

[kptrs]

I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near him. Even if you keep them by your side at all times, they will get used to seeing him around and will start to trust him to some degree, even if you explicitly tell them he is bad news.

Completely agree.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

It should not be a problem for long. Your sister will catch him cheating on her with another 10 year old. I doubt their relationship will last when he is in prison. Please make sure it isn’t your children, because it is going to happen again.

OK, maybe you’re trying to just say something everyone else has said in your own unique way, but the term “cheating on her with another 10 year old” makes it sound like the 10 year old would be consenting to the sexual acts.

I mean, what if the man was a convicted rapist of a 20 year old adult woman, would you make quips about him “cheating with another 20 year old”? If I had a BF or husband who raped or sexually abused someone, whether an adult woman or a child, him “cheating” on me by doing that would NOT be what I’d be upset about

Anyway, the fact that the victim was 10 years old, seals the deal for me, even if this guy was 16 or 17 at the time. Also, even if what he did was “just fondling” or whatever. Who knows what he’s done, that no one found out about. Or what if the next time he does it, it’s even worse than whatever he was convicted for.

Unfortunately, it does not seem the OP’s sister is in a state to accept this. Maybe the guy did plead to a lesser charge and told the sister he only did that because he was afraid of being convicted on the original charge, a scenario much like Burt Macklin describes.

However, to me the protection of children far trumps the possibility the guy is innocent. I’d agree with everyone who has advised the OP to keep her children away from him.

 

[sherimarie]

OK, maybe you’re trying to just say something everyone else has said in your own unique way, but the term “cheating on her with another 10 year old” makes it sound like the 10 year old would be consenting to the sexual acts.

I mean, what if the man was a convicted rapist of a 20 year old adult woman, would you make quips about him “cheating with another 20 year old”? If I had a BF or husband who raped or sexually abused someone, whether an adult woman or a child, him “cheating” on me by doing that would NOT be what I’d be upset about

Anyway, the fact that the victim was 10 years old, seals the deal for me, even if this guy was 16 or 17 at the time. Also, even if what he did was “just fondling” or whatever. Who knows what he’s done, that no one found out about. Or what if the next time he does it, it’s even worse than whatever he was convicted for.

Unfortunately, it does not seem the OP’s sister is in a state to accept this. Maybe the guy did plead to a lesser charge and told the sister he only did that because he was afraid of being convicted on the original charge, a scenario much like Burt Macklin describes.

However, to me the protection of children far trumps the possibility the guy is innocent. I’d agree with everyone who has advised the OP to keep her children away from him.

I completely agree with all the people who said keep the kids away. I was thinking maybe it would be ok to go to parties at home, but Burt said the kids would get used to seeing him and start to trust him. Also they may look back on all this and someday think I’m ok with that kind of person being around.

I really don’t want to give the impression that I think people who made mistakes are beyond redemption I wish him the best, but some things are beyond fixing. I can’t help him and neither can she. She can’t see that because she’s in love.
She is the most caring person I know, I wish this had never happened…

 

[AdamP88]

I completely agree with all the people who said keep the kids away. I was thinking maybe it would be ok to go to parties at home, but Burt said the kids would get used to seeing him and start to trust him. Also they may look back on all this and someday think I’m ok with that kind of person being around.

I really don’t want to give the impression that I think people who made mistakes are beyond redemption I wish him the best, but some things are beyond fixing. I can’t help him and neither can she. She can’t see that because she’s in love.
She is the most caring person I know, I wish this had never happened…

Yes, the kids would get used to seeing him and eventually trust him. There’s nothing wrong with not allowing a person like this near your children. In fairness, I’d find it hard to be in a room with a person like that.

Also, your non-acceptance of him being around your kids is not an indication that you think the guy is beyond redemption. It’s a common sense precaution to prevent your kids becoming his next victim. He might never offend again, anything is possible. But would you let someone who you know is a compulsive thief mind your house while you are on vacation?

 

[UbiCaritas]

I completely agree with all the people who said keep the kids away. I was thinking maybe it would be ok to go to parties at home, but **Burt said the kids would get used to seeing him and start to trust him. **Also they may look back on all this and someday think I’m ok with that kind of person being around.

I really don’t want to give the impression that I think people who made mistakes are beyond redemption I wish him the best, but some things are beyond fixing. I can’t help him and neither can she. She can’t see that because she’s in love.
She is the most caring person I know, I wish this had never happened…

And that’s just it.

A friend of mine had a grandfather who’d molested her mother throughout her childhood. Mom, having never gotten proper counseling/treatment/et all decided that it would be sinful to keep her daughter away from granddad, so instead she just told her daughter never, ever to be alone with granddad and continued to go to family functions and the like.

Which resulted in, once granddad did the predictable thing, her daughter believing for many years that it was all her fault (starting at age 4 or thereabouts) for “letting” herself be alone with granddad.

Kids should not have that kind of responsibility.

Also, I agree heartily with other posters who’ve said she needs not to babysit or be alone with the kids unless and until this thing is long over. Pedophiles often use girlfriends/wives to get at children, and the women in question either don’t realize it or refuse to realize it, rationalizing the situation away in order not to be alone.