What should I do?

  • Thread starter Thread starter sherimarie
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
UbiCaritas said:
And that’s just it.

A friend of mine had a grandfather who’d molested her mother throughout her childhood. Mom, having never gotten proper counseling/treatment/et all decided that it would be sinful to keep her daughter away from granddad, so instead she just told her daughter never, ever to be alone with granddad and continued to go to family functions and the like.

Which resulted in, once granddad did the predictable thing, her daughter believing for many years that it was all her fault (starting at age 4 or thereabouts) for “letting” herself be alone with granddad.

Kids should not have that kind of responsibility.

Also, I agree heartily with other posters who’ve said she needs not to babysit or be alone with the kids unless and until this thing is long over. Pedophiles often use girlfriends/wives to get at children, and the women in question either don’t realize it or refuse to realize it, rationalizing the situation away in order not to be alone.
Click to expand...
:eek:

I have to mention that it’s really difficult at a big event to keep track of a bunch of kids. I remember what our big extended family holiday dinners were like when we were school age kids–we’d be roaming all over the house, garage and yard in packs–raiding the fridge, playing hide and seek, etc.

There’s no blooming way that any parent (however conscientious) could have protected us all all the time had there been a creepy uncle on site.
 
Xantippe said:
:eek:

I have to mention that it’s really difficult at a big event to keep track of a bunch of kids. I remember what our big extended family holiday dinners were like when we were school age kids–we’d be roaming all over the house, garage and yard in packs–raiding the fridge, playing hide and seek, etc.

There’s no blooming way that any parent (however conscientious) could have protected us all all the time had there been a creepy uncle on site.
Click to expand...
Yep.

I’m honestly very surprised that the person in the OP isn’t on a sex offender list. In my area, there are various levels assigned to the offender. I’ve seen older teens on the list, often for statutory rape.
 
There’s also the question–what are the terms of this guy’s probation?

Is he even allowed to be around children?

I wonder, come to think of it, if it would be helpful to have a word with his probation officer and hear what the probation officer’s thoughts are. This issue must come up a lot with sex offenders.
 
Xantippe said:
I wonder, come to think of it, if it would be helpful to have a word with his probation officer and hear what the probation officer’s thoughts are. This issue must come up a lot with sex offenders.
Click to expand...
I doubt his probation officer is going to speak to anyone about this guys case.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I doubt his probation officer is going to speak to anyone about this guys case.
Click to expand...
The probation officer has to have at least an answer for “Is boyfriend allowed to be near children?”

Also, for all we know, Boyfriend may be violating the terms of his probation.
 
It may also be that the answer is going to be, “He isn’t prohibited from being around kids, but if it were my kid I wouldn’t do it.”

And that would be something to take back to grandma and grandpa.

I forget where the OP’s parents are in this situation, but if they are going to be hosting big happy family events with a convicted child molester present, they are part of the problem. (Dinner just with sis and boyfriend would be different.)
 
Xantippe said:
It may also be that the answer is going to be, “He isn’t prohibited from being around kids, but if it were my kid I wouldn’t do it.”

And that would be something to take back to grandma and grandpa.

I forget where the OP’s parents are in this situation, but if they are going to be hosting big happy family events with a convicted child molester present, they are part of the problem. (Dinner just with sis and boyfriend would be different.)
Click to expand...
I don’t even think there’s a need to talk to the probation officer in this case. You have enough information to make an informed decision that it’s probably better to not allow this man to be around your kids.
 
AdamPeter said:
I don’t even think there’s a need to talk to the probation officer in this case. You have enough information to make an informed decision that it’s probably better to not allow this man to be around your kids.
Click to expand...
Well, it’s kind of important to sell the extended family on the idea that boyfriend shouldn’t be allowed to come to extended family events–otherwise the OP winds up effectively exiled from her own family just because of one guy. She could also wind up being “the bad guy” in her own family.

Here’s a quote from the OP:

“I have a wonderful big catholic family, we try to all get together at least once a week and for Birthdays etc. Recently one of my siblings brought along her new boyfriend, we found out a couple weeks later that he pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor when he was a teenager.”

So I think it’s time for some heart-to-heart talks with some other family members aside from sis before this guy becomes a fixture.

Come to think of it, if sis knew that her boyfriend had the conviction, it was TERRIBLE of her to bring him to an event with children without informing you all in advance.
 
Xantippe said:
Well, it’s kind of important to sell the extended family on the idea that boyfriend shouldn’t be allowed to come to extended family events–otherwise the OP winds up effectively exiled from her own family just because of one guy. She could also wind up being “the bad guy” in her own family.

Here’s a quote from the OP:

“I have a wonderful big catholic family, we try to all get together at least once a week and for Birthdays etc. Recently one of my siblings brought along her new boyfriend, we found out a couple weeks later that he pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor when he was a teenager.”

So I think it’s time for some heart-to-heart talks with some other family members aside from sis before this guy becomes a fixture.

Come to think of it, if sis knew that her boyfriend had the conviction, it was TERRIBLE of her to bring him to an event with children without informing you all in advance.
Click to expand...
Oh yeah. Definitely from that perspective it makes sense. I just meant that from the perspective of “protecting your own” it’s not necessary. I know if one of my siblings brought home someone and it came out that they were a sex offender he’d probably end up having a heart to heart with my dad’s fist and being told to stay away from the family.
 
sherimarie said:
I completely agree with all the people who said keep the kids away. I was thinking maybe it would be ok to go to parties at home, but Burt said the kids would get used to seeing him and start to trust him. Also they may look back on all this and someday think I’m ok with that kind of person being around.

I really don’t want to give the impression that I think people who made mistakes are beyond redemption I wish him the best, but some things are beyond fixing. I can’t help him and neither can she. She can’t see that because she’s in love.
She is the most caring person I know, I wish this had never happened….
Click to expand...
Well, being caring doesn’t mean you can’t be smart. And right now, she’s not being smart. Furthermore, it is neither smart nor caring to cause your family to be around a sex offender.

She needs to wake up and have some sense, and so does everyone else involved. Having compassion and mercy does not mean putting people in danger. Do not attend any event this man is attending. Keep your kids away from this man and stay away from him yourself.
 
A person from a “wonderful big Catholic family” shouldn’t object to a suggestion that she get advice from a priest on the matter. The sister might just listen to him. After all, he has no agenda other than to protect everyone involved. 🤷 it might go over better than talking to a sibling. But yeah. Someone has to open her eyes to the potential danger.
Prayers fro a good resolution.
In the meantime, no events with the children present. Period.
 
Xantippe said:
The probation officer has to have at least an answer for “Is boyfriend allowed to be near children?”

Also, for all we know, Boyfriend may be violating the terms of his probation.
Click to expand...
No, I don’t think he has to answer anything. Not sure how you are going to find his probation officer either. Just keep calling different ones?

If, as someone pointed out, he was a minor and records are sealed, I don’t see why any parole officer would give out information.
 
Irishmom2 said:
No, I don’t think he has to answer anything. Not sure how you are going to find his probation officer either. Just keep calling different ones?

If, as someone pointed out, he was a minor and records are sealed, I don’t see why any parole officer would give out information.
Click to expand...
He might have been tried as an adult though. Juvenile cases are sealed at 18. This guy still has an active probation. Which is weird he isn’t on a sex offender list.
 
I don’t think a Judge can restrict him from being around children. I think that is too vague. It would restrict the pedophile from going anywhere. I imagine that the restriction would be time and location sensitive. For example, it would restrict him from going near a school, or going near a park when school is not in session. I imagine that he is not allowed to be alone with children.

I doubt going to an adults birthday party would violate the terms of his probation. It is up to the family to exercise common sense and tell the creep that he isn’t allowed within 10 miles of their children.

You have a duty to make sure that all of your family members know about this jerk’s proclivities toward children. The likelihood of him offending again is very high. Make sure it isn’t with your family. If that upsets your sister, it is her problem. Your kids come before her feelings.

Again, I believe that a probationary period can’t exceed the duration of the sentence for the crime in question. If a minor with a clean record received 9 years of probation, he did something unspeakable. He deserves to be treated like a room filled with Ebola victims. Your kids should not be in the same zip code with him.
 
I wonder if there are any policemen/social workers on the forum who could shed light on this. It’s a question I’d like to see answered(just out of curiosity). :hmmm:

Maybe I’ll do a google search…
 
WJeffrey said:
I don’t think a Judge can restrict him from being around children. I think that is too vague. It would restrict the pedophile from going anywhere. I imagine that the restriction would be time and location sensitive. For example, it would restrict him from going near a school, or going near a park when school is not in session. I imagine that he is not allowed to be alone with children.

I doubt going to an adults birthday party would violate the terms of his probation. It is up to the family to exercise common sense and tell the creep that he isn’t allowed within 10 miles of their children.

You have a duty to make sure that all of your family members know about this jerk’s proclivities toward children. The likelihood of him offending again is very high. Make sure it isn’t with your family. If that upsets your sister, it is her problem. Your kids come before her feelings.

Again, I believe that a probationary period can’t exceed the duration of the sentence for the crime in question. If a minor with a clean record received 9 years of probation, he did something unspeakable. He deserves to be treated like a room filled with Ebola victims. Your kids should not be in the same zip code with him.
Click to expand...
This.
 
pianistclare said:
I wonder if there are any policemen/social workers on the forum who could shed light on this. It’s a question I’d like to see answered(just out of curiosity). :hmmm:

Maybe I’ll do a google search…
Click to expand...
Yeah.

I still feel like there has to be some sort of official or semi-official channel that could be helpful. For instance, does the OP know a friendly local police officer that she could tell about the situation? Or better yet, do her parents know a friendly local police officer that they could talk to?
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah.

I still feel like there has to be some sort of official or semi-official channel that could be helpful. For instance, does the OP know a friendly local police officer that she could tell about the situation? Or better yet, do her parents know a friendly local police officer that they could talk to?
Click to expand...
Depending on the size of the city/town that the OP or her parents live in, just calling the local police station might be very helpful. Anecdotally, I’ve had friends do exactly that when they don’t know what the local laws on something might be. (“Is it legal for me to leave my 12-year-old home alone while I run to the grocery store? What about with a 5-year-old sibling? In the car outside the store while I run in for a gallon of milk?” Etc.)

Most police officers genuinely want to help people, especially if they can do so before Bad Stuff happens. Leaving aside anything else, answering a question or two is a good deal less time-consuming than dealing with the mountains of paperwork associated with the kind of incident that such questions might avoid in the first place! 😛
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top