What should my stance be?

[TSB4]

He does love me, he’s just use to doing things a certain way. It’s difficult to shake bad habits.

 

[Rau]

Yet, you have told him that what he does makes you unhappy. You have earnestly asked him to make a change. He refuses. He insists on doing what makes you unhappy! He insists on placing his own wants in front of yours! Please explain how this shows love?

I am sorry to sound harsh, but I get the feeling you are not being honest with yourself. Or perhaps you have not had an appropriate discussion with your husband, and so he has not yet understood how important the matter is for you. Which is it?

 

[TSB4]

Yet, you have told him that what he does makes you unhappy. You have earnestly asked him to make a change. He refuses. He insists on doing what makes you unhappy! He insists on placing his own wants in front of yours! Please explain how this shows love?

I am sorry to sound harsh, but I get the feeling you are not being honest with yourself. Or perhaps you have not had an appropriate discussion with your husband, and so he has not yet understood how important the matter is for you. Which is it?

 

[ahs]

Rau’s words sound harsh on the surface. But they are ones you should really take in and think deeply on. You and your husband are in my prayers tonight.

In Christ,
Dave

 

[TSB4]

Rau’s words sound harsh on the surface. But they are ones you should really take in and think deeply on. You and your husband are in my prayers tonight.

In Christ,
Dave

Well thanks for all the advice

 

[moon1234]

TSB4

You need to be the one to stay on top until he is finished. DO NOT get off of him until he is done. This will be the only way to break him of this habit. Don’t let him roll you over, push you off, etc. YOU need to be the one to take control of the love making sessions until this stops.

It will take a concerted effort on your part to break this habit. He needs to have at least several sessions where he finishes in the correct place and manner. YOU can be the one to make that happen.

 

[TSB4]

Oh. My. I don’t think I’m that aggressive! also, if he initiates sex during my fertile time and I essentially “force” him to finish inside, it would be like I forced a child at this time. Or even if I mistake being infertile and I really am… Just seems so risky and idk if he would keep me there. I can try it!

 

[Allegra]

TSB4

You need to be the one to stay on top until he is finished. DO NOT get off of him until he is done. This will be the only way to break him of this habit. Don’t let him roll you over, push you off, etc. YOU need to be the one to take control of the love making sessions until this stops.

There’s the spirit! If your husband disrespects your wishes, answer him with a sexual assault!

 

[Allegra]

Oh. My. I don’t think I’m that aggressive! also, if he initiates sex during my fertile time and I essentially “force” him to finish inside, it would be like I forced a child at this time. Or even if I mistake being infertile and I really am… Just seems so risky and idk if he would keep me there. I can try it!

I would follow your instinct regarding this advice.

 

[TSB4]

I would follow your instinct regarding this advice.

I guess maybe if he sends signs that he wants to withdraw, next time I can ask him not to? I could start there and see if he doesn’t… Sigh.

 

[moon1234]

There’s the spirit! If your husband disrespects your wishes, answer him with a sexual assault!

Boy, some got the wrong idea here. It is not easy for a woman to sexually assault a fully grown man.

By my suggestion I meant that she needs to take control of the love making session. This does not mean hog tie her man and have her way. Sheesh.

If she wants the situation to change and he is apathetic to that happening then she is the only one who can make a change.

I think we have seen from the comments in this thread that she is unhappy with her husbands attitude, but is unwilling to make a change for fear she may become pregnant. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want him to finish inside of you then you need to be willing to accept that pregnancy is a possible outcome. Nothing will prevent pregnancy 100% outside of total abstinence.

Stay on top until he is done or he physically takes you off. Assault and battery need not enter into the picture. If he finishes properly, then keep doing this for a while. Eventually he will understand or loose the need to see himself finish outside of the sexual union.

 

[moon1234]

I guess maybe if he sends signs that he wants to withdraw, next time I can ask him not to? I could start there and see if he doesn’t… Sigh.

If he is like most men, suggesting something via words won’t have much if any impact. If you sense he is about to withdraw then you roll him over and climb on top and keep going until he is done. This will surprise him and he will most likely very much like it (if he is like most men).

Women speak to other women with words, most men say little. We read each other by what we do and how we act.

My wife says lots of things to me that I should remember. I have a hard time remembering unless there is something that impresses me that it is important. When most men are making love we are not thinking about anything else. My wife is driven nuts if a child starts crying, etc. She can’t concentrate, etc. She will look at me say “Can’t you hear the kids doing xyz?” I usually am so focused on what I am doing at the moment that I really don’t hear anything unless something is very loud or damaging is happening.

It never ceases to amaze me that she can have all these other things going on in her mind while we are in the moment. My mind is focused on thing and one thing only. If you want me to pay attention to something else she is going to have to get up and walk away. In a similar vain you need to keep his mind focused one thing and one thing only.

JUST TRY IT and see what happens.

 

[Cojuanco]

I guess maybe if he sends signs that he wants to withdraw, next time I can ask him not to? I could start there and see if he doesn’t… Sigh.

Yes. But you’re not obligated to tell him that all the time. In fact, I’d advise telling him at some other time. And do it occasionally if he continues. But in essence, you would in such circumstances not be sinning - he is.

 

[TSB4]

If he is like most men, suggesting something via words won’t have much if any impact. If you sense he is about to withdraw then you roll him over and climb on top and keep going until he is done. This will surprise him and he will most likely very much like it (if he is like most men).

Women speak to other women with words, most men say little. We read each other by what we do and how we act.

My wife says lots of things to me that I should remember. I have a hard time remembering unless there is something that impresses me that it is important. When most men are making love we are not thinking about anything else. My wife is driven nuts if a child starts crying, etc. She can’t concentrate, etc. She will look at me say “Can’t you hear the kids doing xyz?” I usually am so focused on what I am doing at the moment that I really don’t hear anything unless something is very loud or damaging is happening.

It never ceases to amaze me that she can have all these other things going on in her mind while we are in the moment. My mind is focused on thing and one thing only. If you want me to pay attention to something else she is going to have to get up and walk away. In a similar vain you need to keep his mind focused one thing and one thing only.

JUST TRY IT and see what happens.

This does sound like him. He is a very sexual person and I think it has allot to do with his past. He was over exposed, in my opinion, through friends and the Internet. Although he is faithful to me, I think it’ll take a while for him to stop withdrawing. I know thing take time, but from my view, I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.

 

[TSB4]

Yes. But you’re not obligated to tell him that all the time. In fact, I’d advise telling him at some other time. And do it occasionally if he continues. But in essence, you would in such circumstances not be sinning - he is.

I understand I’m not sinning, but it still bothers me. For more reasons than one. I’m hoping he will stop doing it.

 

[Cojuanco]

I understand I’m not sinning, but it still bothers me. For more reasons than one. I’m hoping he will stop doing it.

Well, good - because he’s depriving you of something that is your right. It should bother you.

 

[Rau]

This does sound like him. He is a very sexual person and I think it has allot to do with his past. He was over exposed, in my opinion, through friends and the Internet. Although he is faithful to me, I think it’ll take a while for him to stop withdrawing. I know thing take time, but from my view, I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.

He will not stop unless he first agrees with you to stop, or at least to give it a try.

 

[TSB4]

Well, good - because he’s depriving you of something that is your right. It should bother you.

Thank you. If it weren’t for this forum, I seriously would still feel like I was overreacting. The people around me don’t take pregnancy seriously. They all believe if you don’t want more children that you should get on birth control or get fixed. I was tired of feeling like I was defending why I have four kids and not on any birth control. There was a time I was considering having a hysterectomy. Sad to say, I never really felt the urge to do it, I only said it for other people to feel I was trying to be “smart” about having children. I always felt in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t mind more children so long as my husband agreed. However, we both have been through the ringer with people and their opinions on our family size, and I believe that’s whats given us a contraceptive mentality. I feel myself growing out of that now. I use to feel like I’m not allowed to get frustrated as mom otherwise people will judge me and say I had more children than I could handle. But aren’t I allowed to et frustrated or flustered? I have/had (trying to break out of it) this unrealistic expectation of the way I’m suppose to be and the way things are suppose to be. I am way too hard on myself as a parent and wife. I try too hard to make sure the house and kids are “perfect” in a sense as that’s just not possible.

Sorry for going off on a rant, it all comes back to why I feel the wy I feel. I just feel myself changing and it’s bothersome that those around me don’t understand it or try to mess it up.

 

[Rau]

Thank you. If it weren’t for this forum, I seriously would still feel like I was overreacting. The people around me don’t take pregnancy seriously. They all believe if you don’t want more children that you should get on birth control or get fixed. I was tired of feeling like I was defending why I have four kids and not on any birth control. There was a time I was considering having a hysterectomy. Sad to say, I never really felt the urge to do it, I only said it for other people to feel I was trying to be “smart” about having children. I always felt in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t mind more children so long as my husband agreed. However, we both have been through the ringer with people and their opinions on our family size, and I believe that’s whats given us a contraceptive mentality. I feel myself growing out of that now. I use to feel like I’m not allowed to get frustrated as mom otherwise people will judge me and say I had more children than I could handle. But aren’t I allowed to et frustrated or flustered? I have/had (trying to break out of it) this unrealistic expectation of the way I’m suppose to be and the way things are suppose to be. I am way too hard on myself as a parent and wife. I try too hard to make sure the house and kids are “perfect” in a sense as that’s just not possible.

Sorry for going off on a rant, it all comes back to why I feel the wy I feel. I just feel myself changing and it’s bothersome that those around me don’t understand it or try to mess it up.

I guess if someone asks you “are you using something” (meaning birth control), your initial thought is to say “no”. Withdrawal, however, is birth control - though in this case, it’s being used against your will.

Your post above matches my “picture” of you - namely a gentle homemaker, inclined to defer to others to maintain harmony. I do think you need to try being a little more assertive to achieve change, as I can see no reason why it will “just happen”.

Are you intending to start charting (NFP)?

 

[TSB4]

I guess if someone asks you “are you using something” (meaning birth control), your initial thought is to say “no”. Withdrawal, however, is birth control - though in this case, it’s being used against your will.

Your post above matches my “picture” of you - namely a gentle homemaker, inclined to defer to others to maintain harmony. I do think you need to try being a little more assertive to achieve change, as I can see no reason why it will “just happen”.

Are you intending to start charting (NFP)?

Well I’m not confident that NFP is going to work for us for a number of reasons, one being he still withdraws anyways. Also, charting and knowing the differences was a bit much for me. Most times I would forget or get frustrated trying to figure out the difference.