Thanks to everyone for the support and prayers again.
The relationship continues - while I was at work last Friday night and there were adults in our home, she said she was going to the gym, but forgot to tell me that it happened to be at a cheap motel on the other side of town with the other guy.
Last night they were talking about setting up their next encounter, while she was also chatting up a “friend” of hers who is in an “open” relationship about getting together with this woman’s husband. To top it all off, she asked her boyfriend about it to make sure that it wouldn’t “hurt” him if she did sleep with this other guy!!!
Unfortunately, my visit to the lawyer’s office didn’t go as well as I would have hoped. The lawyer told me that father’s rights, while improving, are down on the lists of the concerns of the court. Judges will do everything to make sure the mother has custody and in the words of the lawyer, unless the mother is a convicted serial killer, it is a huge uphill battle to climb to get any significant custody if the mother chooses to fight. The rights of the mother could trump the rights of the child. She could yell and scream at them all day, as long as it’s behind closed doors and there is no “proof”, there is not much I can do. Recording it and using that as evidence could actually make me look worse in the court’s eyes as they would say I have control of the editing and could have provoked her then only recorded the reaction. The kids are too young to complain, so as long as she can behave the hour monthly that children’s services are there, she’s ok for the rest of the month. The temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, threats to hit me when I tell her to relax when she is yelling at the kids, the doorless bathroom (because she ripped the door off its hinges and heaved it over a railing and down the stairs), the children’s services files, none of that really matters. The lawyer, who is very experienced and no nonsense told me that she’s seen many, many cases where people in her “condition” snap out of it as soon as they are served with papers and will convince the courts that they are the parent of the year. Children’s services could ask her to leave, but that would mean very little a few months down the road if she claims she has improved.
The courts also tend to put these things on annual review, so after a year or two or five, she could swoop in, say she’s fine and take the kids. Wouldn’t matter how much hard work, sacrifice and most of all love I give to them, she could come and take them away and leave me as a part-time parent. Unfortunately knowing the way she is, her feelings of anger and hate would trump any feelings of love, so even if she knew in her heart that the kids would be best off with me, the feelings of anger towards me (because she is blaming me 40% for the affair and taking only 60% blame herself) would mean that she would do whatever it takes to make me miserable.
After the conversation, it feels like the law is giving her a free pass to do whatever she likes. If she can hold enough together to show she is capable, they will favour her over me. It doesn’t matter what example she sets for them, her lack of moral values, her self-centeredness, greed for pleasure - all those things count for nothing. As long as she’s not bringing in hard core criminals, drug dealers, etc, she could have a different man every night and still maintain custody.
This morning she told me she has booked a playdate with this guy and his children for Monday at a playplace. I told her it was unacceptable, but when they called back she still booked enough tickets for all of the kids to go!! She told me I have to move on (it was only 3 weeks ago - she doesn’t know that I know they have continued and elevated the relationship) and get over it. The kids were around so I had to leave it at that for now because I didn’t want things to get loud over this with the kids around.
I am trying to raise my children to be respectful, productive members of society with a solid faith in God and responsible moral values. The example their mother sets, while they are young still, I cannot imagine based on her history it stopping, they will eventually know or suspect what their mother is doing.
If I throw her out - it is a gamble and my children could end up living full time with her and her character. This is what they would be picking up through their formative years and it would be very difficult to bring them back once they have seen this. It is obviously much more alluring in the short term to go from hormonal fling to fling, where there is no pressure, responsibility, etc. than to work on a long term relationship like a marriage.
If I keep her around for the sake of my children, they will still be exposed to her philandering (they will eventually pick up on it), I will be “married” to someone with absolutely no respect or concern for me and will have to spend inordinate amounts of time trying to control my absolute disdain for her in front of the kids. It is very difficult being married to someone who treats you worse than they would a nanny or other hired help.
It seems like a no win situation. I am once again lost. In a just world I’d know what I could do and have confidence that things would work out properly, but in this world where behaviour and the example one sets for their children doesn’t matter, I am in a tough situation
As for annulments - if I ever get to that point, from what I have read I would have a decent shot at it. Not only from her behaviour, but also upon reflection and discussions with counsellors, coming from an abusive home, I saw marriage as a way out of that home. Not that I didn’t (and don’t) have intentions on making it work, I just think that the period of discernment was not long enough and obviously she was able to hide a part of her character long enough to get me into a point where it is very difficult to get out.
