What to do when husband disagrees?

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slick4

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I’ve read many threads here regarding marital chastity, and am wondering if anyone has thoughts/advice on what I might do… My husband and I have used artificial birth control in the past, but in the last year I’ve read and studied much and decided to practice NFP. (Didn’t take any classes, just purchased the book!) I do a lot of searching, reading, talking and am just beginning to understand what it means to truly follow NFP, which we have NOT been doing, as we continue to practice oral sex or withdrawal during fertile times. My husband does not feel we are doing anything wrong! How can I stop sinning myself, while not ruining my marriage?? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
 
If he is unwilling to abstain during fertile times, the only licit option FOR YOU is for him to agree to use a condom. Obviously if he is unwilling to abstain, he does not leave himself a licit option unless you simply decide you no longer want or need to avoid.

The church teaches that as long as you make clear you do not agree with his use of the condom and do so periodically, you are not culpable for his sin of contraception. This is different from withdrawal or oral sex because your giving of self to him is unaltered in the condom example, but not unaltered with the other two options. It can be confusing, especially the short version by someone who doesn’t know it so well.

We will continue to pray for you and your husband. Praise God for your new understanding of sexuality and desire to have a chaste relationship with your husband!

It will be touchy suggesting this to him without feeling like you are recommending a sinful course of action. Just keep in mind (and let him know as well) that since your conscience has told you that what you’re doing during fertile times is wrong, you have an obligation to bind yourself to the message you get from your conscience.

“Billy-bob, I know we disagree about our limits during fertile times since we are no longer using the pill, but I am growing more and more uncomfortable with what is going on between us. I pray daily for a chaste and holy relationship with you, and I can’t continue this in good conscience. I understand your doubts and confusion, but I need something to change.”

Then do your best to let him bring up the condom option, saying, “The condom will be your decision. I believe it is immoral for us to use it, but all I can offer to you is myself. What you’re willing to give me is up to you.”

Also please know that the Church allows great latitude in how far a couple can go even when they don’t intend to complete the act. A pamplet on just that came with my NFP materials.
It’s not for the faint of heart! :o (or for the people who struggle with pure thoughts)
 
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slick4:
I’ve read many threads here regarding marital chastity, and am wondering if anyone has thoughts/advice on what I might do… My husband and I have used artificial birth control in the past, but in the last year I’ve read and studied much and decided to practice NFP. (Didn’t take any classes, just purchased the book!) I do a lot of searching, reading, talking and am just beginning to understand what it means to truly follow NFP, which we have NOT been doing, as we continue to practice oral sex or withdrawal during fertile times. My husband does not feel we are doing anything wrong! How can I stop sinning myself, while not ruining my marriage?? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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If your husband is trying to avoid pregnancy for serious reasons, he’s playing Russian Roulette if he thinks withdrawal is the way to do it. This is just based soley on the scientific, not the moral. Has he actually read anything about NFP or is he under the impression that it’s the rhythm method? Also, have you guys read the Good News About Sex and Marriage or Theology of the Body for Beginners.

As far as how to stop sinning and ruining your marriage…Sin is a good way to ruin a marriage. If you think that being complicit with sin is more helpful to your marriage, you’re mistaken. It can only make matters worse. What if you explained to him that you want what’s best for him spiritually above all else and that you know it’s a sin? Basically you feel that you are helping to kill his soul and you don’t want to do this anymore? Maybe you could explain to him that your main job is to help him get to heaven and that you don’t feel you are doing this? Maybe if he understood that this isn’t just about you, he might be more willing to listen.
 
The church teaches that as long as you make clear you do not agree with his use of the condom and do so periodically, you are not culpable for his sin of contraception. This is different from withdrawal or oral sex because your giving of self to him is unaltered in the condom example, but not unaltered with the other two options. It can be confusing, especially the short version by someone who doesn’t know it so well.
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Just to be clear, you are only “off the hook” in this example. He, on the otherhand, is altering the act.
 
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bear06:
Just to be clear, you are only “off the hook” in this example. He, on the otherhand, is altering the act.
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Thanks for reiterating that. It kind of got lost in all my wordiness.
 
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slick4:
How can I stop sinning myself, while not ruining my marriage?? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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I asked a priest this question and he reassured me this is not your sin.
 
Thanks, everyone. A bit of history…
My “discovery” of NFP and more recent initiation of the discussion of the sinfulness of OS, etc. even within marriage resulted in some very heated debates between us. Essentially, we both have trouble understanding how some “alternatives” to the conjugal act are not expressions of our love for one another (when NFP sex during infertile periods is okay- I know this is an entirely separate issue), but while I am willing to admit that more prayer and study is necessary on my part in order to understand this teaching (and I can submit to this teaching in the meantime, knowing I’m just not understanding it yet,) my husband is not. He is so ingrained with the “safe sex” idea and yes, we have decided that we do not desire more children at this time. I understand that I’m not culpable if he uses a condom, and he knows how I feel about all of this right now. However, if I insist on truly following the rules of NFP, our marriage will be strained at the very least, more likely angry and tense. In addition, he is questioning the Catholic Church in general because of this and I am saddened that I, a recent convert, have obviously not been the Christian example he needs right now.
This has become detrimental to our marriage. It means a radical change from what we have been doing, what we have been told by our culture is “normal” or common, and my husband and I are on such different pages spiritually!
 
I asked a priest this question and he reassured me this is not your sin.
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I have had the same response from many priests…and not from others.
There are people who will tell her it is her sin…there are people who will tell her it is not.
The difference between use of condom and withdrawel is lost on me…really - this seems to be getting caught up in technicalities.

It seems the more council I seek on this matter, the more confused I get.
I am starting to think that as long as I am of childbearing age, I will be unable to receive eucharist because I cannot decipher what the truth is.
 
Is there church teaching regarding avoidance of sin vs. preservation of a marriage?? I’m not trying to get away with anything, I just want to follow my conscience and the church while ensuring that my marriage stays intact! I pray for my husband constantly, but he is convinced that these “new ideas” I have, while meant to make our marriage the best it can be, are actually hurting us.
 
Is there church teaching regarding avoidance of sin vs. preservation of a marriage?? I’m not trying to get away with anything, I just want to follow my conscience and the church while ensuring that my marriage stays intact! I pray for my husband constantly, but he is convinced that these “new ideas” I have, while meant to make our marriage the best it can be, are actually hurting us.
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Don’t let this hurt your marriage.
Ask him what it is about these “new ideas” that trouble him, and ask him why he disagrees with them.
He should, of course, be willing to listen to your responses and explanations.

This is a very difficult area because one person cannot force another to agree - or to adhere to the teaching.
 
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Lorarose:
I have had the same response from many priests…and not from others.
There are people who will tell her it is her sin…there are people who will tell her it is not.
The difference between use of condom and withdrawel is lost on me…really - this seems to be getting caught up in technicalities.

It seems the more council I seek on this matter, the more confused I get.
I am starting to think that as long as I am of childbearing age, I will be unable to receive eucharist because I cannot decipher what the truth is.
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I have asked two holy priests, not priests that I knew that would give me a wishy washy answer.
 
Daniel Marsh:
Have you asked him to read the book?
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Yes, and he refuses. He is convinced that we will most certainly become pregnant sometime in the future using NFP, regardless of statistics, and I think he doesn’t want to learn about it so he can avoid responsibility if we do conceive. (This sounds harsh- I don’t mean it to be, but his behavior and attitude are very frustrating.) Consequently, I’m sure he would never want to use NFP again! He’s also very concerned about how NFP works as we get older and my cycles begin to change.
 
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Toni:
I asked a priest this question and he reassured me this is not your sin.
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Do you mean that participating in oral sex or mutual masturbation is not my sin? I’m assuming you mean if my husband uses a condom.
 
I have asked two holy priests, not priests that I knew that would give me a wishy washy answer.
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I did not receive wishy washy answers from the priests I consider “holy”. I did receive wishy washy answers from some priests that one would expect from them.
But no…the priest who I considered to be the most orthodox was the only one willing to say “I don’t know”.

He chose this topic for his masters level thesis, at a very orthodox school in a very orthodox diocese.

And after researching, specifically, whether or not this teaching could be traced back to the beginning - to the Fathers - he could not.
He submitted his opinion and was not reprimanded.
 
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slick4:
Yes, and he refuses. He is convinced that we will most certainly become pregnant sometime in the future using NFP, regardless of statistics, and I think he doesn’t want to learn about it so he can avoid responsibility if we do conceive. (This sounds harsh- I don’t mean it to be, but his behavior and attitude are very frustrating.) Consequently, I’m sure he would never want to use NFP again! He’s also very concerned about how NFP works as we get older and my cycles begin to change.
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If he is refusing to even look into it or read a book after you’ve told him your concerns,(wow! what a horrible sacrifice!) then you’re probably having more trouble than you think you are already. Like I’ve said before in other threads, NFP works with changing cycles. This is a common mistake to think that you focus entirely on a monthly regularity. You can even use NFP when you’re nursing and don’t have your cycle yet. Like I said, you’re already playing Russian Roulette. I think it a little silly that he doesn’t want to learn something a little more scientifically based.
 
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Toni:
I asked a priest this question and he reassured me this is not your sin.
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I’m assuming that you are speaking of oral sex and withdrawal. If you are not, please disregard. If one is engaging in oral sex or the sex act with no intention of finishing the normal sex act, they are sinning. If wife doesn’t know there is no intention of finishing then the sin wouldn’t be hers. If she knows and is participating (at least in oral sex) then she is also sinning. As far as withdrawal goes, I imagine it would probably be the same situation as the condom. If the wife makes it clear that she doesn’t approve of this and isn’t a willing participant, I think that she wouldn’t be culpable but this is just my guess
 
I think what you should do is ask your husband to try the whole business for a month, and tell him that if he doesn’t like it he can go back to using birth control.

If he tries it and if it works for you, great, if he tries it and it doesn’t work, then you’re also safe because he can keep using birth control without sin. After all, he honestly believes there’s nothing wrong with it, and you will not be using it anyway.
 
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svoboda:
I think what you should do is ask your husband to try the whole business for a month, and tell him that if he doesn’t like it he can go back to using birth control.

If he tries it and if it works for you, great, if he tries it and it doesn’t work, then you’re also safe because he can keep using birth control without sin. After all, he honestly believes there’s nothing wrong with it, and you will not be using it anyway.
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Hellooooooo!!! Just because one doesn’t believe it’s a sin doesn’t make it so. You’re practicing moral relativism. He may or may not understand but he’s been told and he rejects it. If I were his wife, I’d be worried for his soul.
 
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bear06:
Hellooooooo!!! Just because one doesn’t believe it’s a sin doesn’t make it so. You’re practicing moral relativism. He may or may not understand but he’s been told and he rejects it. If I were his wife, I’d be worried for his soul.
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No, but in order to commit a mortal sin a person has to know it’s wrong and consent to it before the fact. Her husband doens’t think it’s wrong, there can be a sin, but not a mortal sin. A person who does what he honestly thinks is okay to do cannot commit a mortal sin.

It’s fine.
 
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