What to do when people are rude at Mass?

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MichelleTherese

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I attend Mass to worship God, not to be made to feel like a scum. This is NOT a debate about covering our heads at Mass, this is a question about how to deal with rude people in the Parish. I had the most horrible Sunday in my life! I left my church red-faced and almost in tears and deffinately feeling anything BUT holy. No wonder non-Catholics who attend a Mass walk away feeling disillutioned. What an awful witness of our Faith! I spent the entire hour at Mass wanting to crawl under the pew and hide. There was a mother, probably in her 40’s, and two teen-age daughters sitting in front of me. I arrived, sat down behind them and immediately the daughter on the left turned around in her pew and stared at me…and stared…and stared. I was trying to pray and prepare my heart for Mass but instead I found myself turning red and getting annoyed. Finally I looked up at her and we stared at each other for a minute and she quickly turned around. “Ok,” I thought. “She’s gotten her look and now I’ll be left alone.” Yeah right. Kid whispers to mom, mom turns and stares! Then mom whispers to other daughter on her right and SHE turns and stares. Then all three shrug their shoulders and whisper and giggle while glancing back at me. If I wasn’t a Catholic I would have gotten up and walked out right then and there. I would have gone to a nice friendly Protestant church and never even looked back.
Anyway, Mass proceeded and I spent the hour being constantly stared at by one of the daughters. And I mean constantly! That girl, maybe 14 years old?, would turn around in her seat and stare at me for almost a minute at a time - and wouldn’t stop until I looked up at her. I tried my best not to glare because I want to be holy but truuuust me, I wanted to say, “Do you MIND?” Mom didn’t help because she kept looking at the girl and shrugging and making comments and they’d giggle or shake their heads. When we’d stand up to pray the mom would acctually turn around and look me up and down or watch me as if she were checking to see if I knew the prayers. Do you know what it’s like to be saying the Creed while the woman in front of you turns around and stares at you for quite a long time?? By the time we were almost through Mass I was about to say something but I stopped myself because I had no idea what was appropriate. Instead when Mass was over I walked out of the church and walked down the street feeling horrible. I was so mortified that when I stopped at the local restaurant to treat myself to a Sunday lunch I turned away because I saw several cars from my new church pulling up and the folks filling the place up. I couldn’t bear the thought of being stared at and treated like that again! I should have been excited about going into the restaurant and meeting my new fellow Catholics! But instead I ran away like a wimp. Now I’m not saying everyone in my new church was rude. I didn’t notice much more then the usual stares given to a new person strolling through the door. After all, this IS a small town. 🙂 But I have to say that the performance put on by the family in front of me is making me seriously consider NOT going to Mass on Sunday - and I wouldn’t go except that I’ve joined the choir and now, sadly, I can hide in the loft! (I acctually have to think in those terms: oh good, I can hide in the choir loft.)
How does one deal with blatantly rude people at Mass? What do you do? Ignore them? Say something? Talk to the Priest? I am at a loss here. I want to keep the peace but at the same time I do NOT want to go to Mass and be made to feel like I shouldn’t be there.
 
I hope you thought to offer your suffering to God . We should never lose an opportunity to present our sufferings to God. You can offer them for the souls in purgatory or for your own sins. Can you imagine the graces received for being able to concentrate on the Mass under those circumstances?

I don’t think you mentioned why they were staring at you. I would consider moving to another seat, but that might appear rude. I would also consider introducing myself to them after Mass, saying something welcoming like, "Oh, you were the family seated in front of me. I’m… How long have you been coming to this Church? etc… That would take a lot of Christian charity on your part and would make you appear very graceful to them. It would also be pleasing to God, and it’s another thing you could offer up.
 
I don’t get it. Why would they be staring at you? They sound a little nutty to me. I always say that the insane don’t upset me! 😉
 
Michele

Were you wearing a head covering? That would in no way validate staring by a whole family. I like Paramedicgirl’s response re intorduning yourself. Can you attend another Mass at a different time?

Their actions were rude and uncharitable at best, but then again most people are way to concerned about what others think of them. I tend not to worry what others think of me I believe my wife wishes I would a little.

Maybe you’ll find some nice folks in the choir loft at least you have from the outset two things in common the church and singing.
 
Michelle, the Devil certainly got his way with you that Sunday.
 
With children, I’ve dealt with that before by making a “circle-the-wagons” type circular movement with my forefinger (“turn around”) and pointing to the front (“the action is up that way”).

If that doesn’t work, the next time they do it, I reach up and tweak their nose.

I’ve gotten some dirty looks from parents who are disturbed that I would dare touch their unruly little darling in such a manner, but hey—if they can’t take it upon themselves to control their children, then I guess it’s up to me.

A couple times they’ve gotten up and moved, much to my satisfaction.

As far as the adult goes, I would lean forward, smile, and loudly say, “Do you have a problem? Because if you don’t, I suggest you face the front and pay attention to what’s going on.”

At the very worst, you won’t get your hand shook at the sign of peace.
 
If I had experienced what you did, after the whispering and all three turning around to stare, I would have been wondering if I had put on my clothes inside out or if my mascara was smudged or something like that! I think I would have asked them if where was something wrong with me, and why they were staring.

If there was something amiss, then, hopefully, they would have told me. If they were just being rude, they might have then realized it and been apologetic.

These people sound very strange! But they would not get me to be embarrassed or to leave my church. I would ask them point blank why they are staring at me. And, if they were just being weird, I would sit in another part of the church the next time.
 
Seriously, I’m not nearly as nice as you apparently. I would have been like, “Do you have a problem?? Can I help you??” But kudos to you for keeping your concentration on the mass. Hmmm, I think paramedicgirl’s response was best. They’ll probably be embarrassed that you are so nice when they were being so rude. And, you can tell them about why you wear the headcovering so they won’t be so rude to anyone else. God bless and don’t feel bad.
 
Hahaha! You all brought up a good point: I was beginning to wonder if I had food stuck in my teeth or a squirrel on my head or something. But since no one else at Mass was so rude and staring I figured it had to be THEM and not me. The reason I didn’t speak was because the church is small and lots of times very quiet and my words would have disturbed those around me. The Merry Trio weren’t just rude to me - every time someone’s baby wailed or someone made a loud bang they’d do the intense stare-and-giggle thing at them as well. You know how we women come invested with “The Look”, the one our mothers withered us with on many an occasion? I used that on the one girl and she’d get embarassed and whip around again buuuut be back to staring a few minutes later. That was as far as I wanted to go because I did not wish to disturb the others around me.

I didn’t have a chance to meet them after Mass because the rest of the parishoners came flooding down the isle and I got swept away like I was in a river hahaha! I felt like I was on the Interstate Highway near Boston!!! To be honest I probably wouldn’t want to meet them anyway - the mom wouldn’t even shake my hand at the Peace Be With You. I got the message loud and clear.
I’m not afraid of what people think of me. I just don’t appreciate being treated like a scum. Relentlessly. I have to admit that when it’s all said and done the Merry Trio probably looked bad to everyone else and I just looked like the New Person wearing a manatilla. There are two types of stares: the normal curiosity aimed at a new and unfamiliar person and the rude degrading look aimed at someone you think is lowly. I’m perfectly ok with the first kind. Oh yeah - and you have the Little Kid Stares which can be rude but come on, they are kids! Of course they are going to stare hahaha!
The Choir is awesome! I showed up last night at the church and I was thinking, "Man I hope they aren't rude and cold towards me!" I had all of the usual "New Lady" anxiety. I walked up the stairs to the loft and everyone was so delighted to see me! I got greetings and hand shakes all around and the choir director told me "we are all blessed that you are here!" Talk about WELCOMING! Being in the choir is going to be a blessing to ME. All and all I honestly believe that this parish is great and it's just the Merry Trio who are downright weird. I'm not going to let three staring apples spoil the whole bunch. I just wish I knew what to do the next time I have issues from them or any other person while Mass is in progress. Oy!
 
I found myself going to Mass recently at a Church very close to my house but not my Parish. I go there sometimes when I have time restrictions/multiple obligations for the day. I ended up going to what I call the Elvis/Hootenanny Mass at noon. They have a loud Piano player, drums, 2 guitar players and a Flute player. The music is very loud and they are playing quite a few numbers before Mass. Well, it’s very hard to concentrate when you are kneeling in prayer before Mass but I was really trying my best. So there I was kneeling in prayer, eyes closed, hands folded, when after about a minute or two I heard this “Ahem.” I ignored it and again heard,“Ahem!” I opened my eyes and there was a woman looking at me as if to say, “well are you going to let me in this pew or not?” She didn’t say a word and while I was shocked, I sat on back on the pew and lifted the kneeler to make way and she proceeded to walk right past me to the middle of the pew( I almost always sit on the end because I get claustrophobic and panicky). I looked around the Church and there were multiple empty pews for her to choose from, and there was no one else sitting on this pew! I thought that was very rude. If I see someone kneeling in prayer, I find another place to sit and not disturb them. Anyway, it ticked me off and I let it occupy my mind for far too long during Mass. I finally made myself push it away and focus on why I was at Mass. It just had me flabergasted! I know that some people are really weird about sitting in the same spot every week. As far as being stared at and whispered about in that manner, that was beyond rude, it is also distracting. Maybe introducing yourself is a good idea. I might say something like, “excuse me, have we met before? You are looking at me as if I look familiar to you!” My name is so and so. What’s yours? Maybe that would nip it in the bud. Otherwise, I wouldn’t sit near them if I could help it. It would be too distracting from the Mass.
 
Yeah, if it was just one rude incident I’d say “whatever” and let it go. The reason I got upset is that it kept happening over and over and over through the Mass. I couldn’t let it go! They kept it up. Arrrg. People can be so odd sometimes. That lady who barged in on your prayers could have gone to another pew. That’s what I do. My favorite is when I quietly creep into a pew where others are praying (if the end is empty) and then I trip on the kneeler and belly-surf across the slick wood seat and basically wake the dead. But at least I’m not being rude - just clutzy hahahaha
 
I’m sorry 😦

I’ might’ve said something like “Hi, I’m janedoe, this is my first time at this parish, is my makeup smeared?”

But I can be foreward like that lol.
 
I would probably have done the same as you did–except for one thing. I would have eventually made a “What’s your problem?” kind of face. You know, furrowed brows, wide open eyes (giving the mom-stare), tiniest of head shake. Not a word spoken, not obvious to anyone but who you are looking at, and very clear in message.

Your experience highlights, however, how very important a sense of community is for new people. It is something we are lacking in in many places.
 
Well, I’m not the type to just let it go if they are being rude to others too! ARgh!!! :mad: I’d have probably waited for them outside of mass and asked them if there was some problem because you noticed them staring and giggling at you and many others around you. I might have also mentioned that some might think it rude to stare. I don’t really care what people think of me but can you imagine how those are self-conscious might feel. Some of them might not come back and that would be sad.
 
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Wolseley:
If that doesn’t work, the next time they do it, I reach up and tweak their nose.
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Dude, if you do that to my children, you and me are going to have some serious issues.
 
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cheese_sdc:
Dude, if you do that to my children, you and me are going to have some serious issues.
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Not me.
If I am so lost in prayer and my kids are being that rude, I would be eternally grateful to have another adult take the ball.

I would say thanks after.
I do not believe my children are perfect.
 
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MichelleTherese:
My favorite is when I quietly creep into a pew where others are praying (if the end is empty) and then I trip on the kneeler and belly-surf across the slick wood seat and basically wake the dead. But at least I’m not being rude - just clutzy hahahaha
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:rotfl: I HATE when that happens!!!
 
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sententia:
I’m sorry 😦

I’ might’ve said something like “Hi, I’m janedoe, this is my first time at this parish, is my makeup smeared?”

But I can be foreward like that lol.
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:rotfl: I love that response!!
 
netmil(name removed by moderator):
Not me.
If I am so lost in prayer and my kids are being that rude, I would be eternally grateful to have another adult take the ball.

I would say thanks after.
I do not believe my children are perfect.
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Wow, you would thank somebody for committing assault on your children?
 
All the stuff that Catholics do at church looked strange to me before I converted. I never knew what I was allowed to do and not allowed to do - I didn’t cross myself or genuflect because I thought I shouldn’t because I wasn’t Catholic. Plus I didn’t know the prayers, the hyms, and forget understanding what the heck the priest was doing at the altar during the Eucharist.

Now, two years after joining the Catholic church, I still do stuff wrong. Bowing and genuflecting (I’m never sure I’m using the right knee) doesn’t feel natural to me yet and occasionally I forget to say “Amen” when I receive the host (always on my tongue because I’m afraid I’ll drop it.)

In my experience, Catholic churches are not welcoming. It’s bizarre. We have the fullness of truth in Christ; we should want to share that! We have reconciliation to remind us that we are all sinners. I know that makes me feel less judgemental - maybe my sins are just worse than most! (just kidding)

I just don’t understand the dirty looks when someone is late to mass. If mass is so wonderful, isn’t it better to come late than not at all? If our church is so great, shouldn’t we rejoice when someone new shows up, even if their mascara is smeared? Whether they are modestly dressed and have a veil on their head or they have greasy hair and a snake-skin mini skirt with needle tracks on their arms, we’re all welcome in Christ’s home, right?

I’m personally glad that God welcomed me, in all my sin and ugliness. And although I do feel as if I had to elbow my way into the Catholic church, I’m glad God blessed me with enough welcoming people and enough personal tenacity that I’m here now. Still sinful, of course. But it’s a great church and I invite people to come with me all the time. And I try hard to explain things and make them feel welcome.

Barb
 
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