What to do when spouse says there is no love?

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shell_217

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My husband says he does not love me. He said that he has been feeling this for some time. he says he does not desire me, does no longer see a future with me, is not excited about sharing a present or future with me. He said that he at one point did see all this and that he now wants out of the relationship. This has been going on for over a month. He has mentioned he does not know what he wants but that he does not want me in his life.

How can I work from that? I’m praying, but can love really be gone and have nothing there?

he says he put up with a lot in our marriage (me always studying) and he no longer wants to give it a try, he just wants out. He never communicated these things to me and now just assumes that will always be the same. He’s closed to any real work in the relationship. Any advice?
 
Wow, that must really hurt and I am sorry that you are going through this. Clearly your husband has no idea what real love is. Love isn’t just some great feeling. No one could expect to stay in love for a life time if love were just a feeling. Feelings come and go.

What kind of a husband has he been? Has he been generally pretty kind or does he tend to take his feelings out on you? Has he been acting happy and then just dropped this bombshell on you? Just wondering what married life has been like up until this point.

Is your husband a practising Catholic?
 
Love isn’t a feeling, its a daily devotion through actions. I don’t know the details of your life, but I am going to try and go by just the info in the paragraph you wrote. It sounds like maybe more time needs to go into this marriage on your part. If you have been busy with studies and neglecting your husband, then he may be feeling very bruised and neglected. I’m not saying this is the case - but its all I can gather from the bits of info you provided. Hopefully his mind is not so made up that you can’t convince him to stay and work things out. If he Catholic, remind him of your vows. Find the vows you said on your wedding day and print them up and hang them on the fridge.
 
Prayers for you and your marriage.

I’m going to venture a guess that your husband has met someone else and that in his mind what he told you is somehow “better” than telling you he wants to replace you.

Of course there is no excuse for what he said to you, regardless of his reasons.

If you decide to try and save your marriage you do need to understand that you can only control what you do, not what he does. If you have been neglecting your husband then change your ways… not to win him back but because it’s the right thing to do. But do not be a doormat either; you need to be someone worth his while to win.

Again, prayers.
 
shell_217 said:
My husband says he does not love me. He said that he has been feeling this for some time. he says he does not desire me, does no longer see a future with me, is not excited about sharing a present or future with me. He said that he at one point did see all this and that he now wants out of the relationship. This has been going on for over a month. He has mentioned he does not know what he wants but that he does not want me in his life.

How can I work from that? I’m praying, but can love really be gone and have nothing there?

he says he put up with a lot in our marriage (me always studying) and he no longer wants to give it a try, he just wants out. He never communicated these things to me and now just assumes that will always be the same. He’s closed to any real work in the relationship. Any advice?
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Hi Shell,

Prayers for you and your husband. I can totally relate to how you are feeling for I went through the same thing. He said things that was very painful and demeaning like he had no need for me anymore and that he only married/stayed with me until something better came along. He was against any counseling and did not want to work it out. “I know it can work…but I don’t want to!” What can you do other than pray and go forward. I had two young children and had to focus on them and their welfare. Don’t know if you have any children. What are you studying for…are you near completion? Complete your studies while working on yourself and your relationship with God. Check if your church has counseling on a sliding scale…I did and it helped me.

God bless and let us know how you are doing.
 
I want to save this marriage. i think he may be straying and I’ve confronted him about it and he says that the issue at hand is that he does not love me. And then, he stays quiet.

If love us a daily devotion through actions, and he chooses not to allow himself to love me, is that it? Is there anything I can do? hopefully the therapy session will give me more information into what he is thinking. I am praying that he doesn’t flake out on this session. Any other advice?
 
*I’m sorry shell that this is happening in your marriage. Others’ advice is good here, and also…you can’t force someone to love you. I imagine your husband has met someone else…whether or not he is having an affair, who knows–but it ‘appears’ that he has met someone who has turned him away from his marriage, away from where his focus should be. If your husband is unwilling to go to counseling, moves out, and leaves you completely…I’m not sure how you might ‘save’ that. I don’t think you should do anything rash. Just stay where you are, pray, seek counseling, and try to get by each day. I think that is really ALL you can feasibly do…you can tell your husband you want to save the marriage, but again, if he doesn’t want to…you can’t force him to stay in the marriage. I’d seek a priest for counseling, too.

I pray that God enlightens you to the right answer. *
 
shell_217 said:
hopefully the therapy session will give me more information into what he is thinking. I am praying that he doesn’t flake out on this session. Any other advice?
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So has he agreed to marriage counseling then? That would be a hopeful sign.
 
Love and respect him even when he doesn’t want that love or respect.

Listen to him with loving ears.

Dont assume he has done anything that has been suggested by many in this thread,

“he says he put up with a lot in our marriage (me always studying) and he no longer wants to give it a try, he just wants out. He never communicated these things to me and now just assumes that will always be the same.”

Have you told him or proved to him that things will change? is it possible that he has been telling you but you have been focused on other things?

Open your heart to him, sounds to me this is what he wants.

Pray together, take his hand and pray.
 
*That is true, I’m sorry shell for suggesting that could be a possiblity:(…but, I wouldn’t rule it out. (another woman) I will be praying for you lots! *
 
shell_217 said:
I want to save this marriage. i think he may be straying and I’ve confronted him about it and he says that the issue at hand is that he does not love me. And then, he stays quiet.

If love us a daily devotion through actions, and he chooses not to allow himself to love me, is that it? Is there anything I can do? hopefully the therapy session will give me more information into what he is thinking. I am praying that he doesn’t flake out on this session. Any other advice?
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I think the secret to a long, successful marriage is falling in love repeatedly with the same person. Another wrote about that love is an action and not a feeling–that’s true enough, and such an attitude can help get people through rough times when the feelings no longer seem there. But feelings come and go. Your husband may not feel that that he’s in love with you right now, but he might again at some point in the future.

Is your husband generally a quiet man? That would be my guess since you wrote he never communicated his frustration in the marriage until recently. You wrote that he says he has put up with a lot in this marriage. Listen to his concerns–don’t dismiss them. (He may have expressed similar concerns in little ways before now that you never took seriously.) Take his concerns to heart and make appropriate changes. Do what you can to help your husband fall in love with you again.
 
I dont know what to say as you cannot make someone love you and that is not your fault it is just how he is feeling at the moment but dont give up fight for you man!! im sorry dear you are going through this and you in my prayer tonight.😦
 
shell_217 said:
I want to save this marriage. i think he may be straying and I’ve confronted him about it and he says that the issue at hand is that he does not love me. And then, he stays quiet.

If love us a daily devotion through actions, and he chooses not to allow himself to love me, is that it? Is there anything I can do? hopefully the therapy session will give me more information into what he is thinking. I am praying that he doesn’t flake out on this session. Any other advice?
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There is hope if he is open to therapy. Until 100% sure that he has strayed, I won’t be focusing on that or it will just make you crazy thinking about it. I will be praying for a positive outcome.

God bless
 
How long have you two been together? Is he a practicing Catholic? Were you married in the Church?

I would recommend you read Dr. Laura’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands for some good, practical advice on how you can work on your end to improve your marriage.
 
Have you seen the movie Fireproof? I really like it and if you haven’t seen it, I strongly recommend that you do. If you have, I hear that they actually sell the actual “Love Dare” book. Maybe you could try it. You are in my prayers, may God bless you and guide you always.
 
Try to make him want you again.

Whatever you do, don’t be needy, don’t beg him to stay, don’t seem desperate.

Think of a way to portray yourself as someone strong, attractive, and who doesn’t necessarily need him. Be more of the person that he was excited about and attracted to initially.
 
shell_217 said:
I want to save this marriage. i think he may be straying and I’ve confronted him about it and he says that the issue at hand is that he does not love me. And then, he stays quiet.

If love us a daily devotion through actions, and he chooses not to allow himself to love me, is that it? Is there anything I can do? hopefully the therapy session will give me more information into what he is thinking. I am praying that he doesn’t flake out on this session. Any other advice?
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Shell -

I’m sorry for what you are going through. You will be in my prayers.

In my opinion you need to find out for sure if he is straying and involved with another woman or not. I’m going through a similar situation and my wife and I are currently separated and she is involved with another man. What I’ve learned is that there are very few cases of “walk away husband/wife” where the spouse cleanly leaves the marriage (unless there is abuse) without another prospective partner. The majority of cases involve affairs. The world is truly in a sad state these days due to this.

If your husband is having an affair you will need to address that and make it a priority, otherwise all the other actions such as the counseling will be useless because of the mindset of your husband and allure of the other woman. A website that was recommended to me is www.marriagebuilders.com. Its not affiliated with any religion, but I have found the information and advice on there invaluable.

Some of the other advice already given here is good too. First, pray for your husband and marriage. And work on YOUR issues to make you a better person, because that is one thing you can control.
 
Popular reasons why he/she doesn’t love her/him anymore:
He’s too silent (women like voice), she’s too fat/skinny/short/tall/flat/round (men like body types), he/she’s too controlling/irresponsible, he/she is like/totally unlike her/his father or mother, he/she works too much/too little, he/she spends too much/too little, he/she just isn’t supporting her/him mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially or sexually like she/he wants/needs. He/she is boring me to death because he/she won’t fight with me enough (and I need to win!) and of course the “I just don’t know why.”

Their spouses wonder:
Am I really too quiet? too fat/skinny/short/tall/flat/round? too controlling? too irresponsible? just like his/her mother/father? absolutely nothing like his/her mother/father? Do I work too much? Too little? Do I spend too much? Too little? What does it take to support him/her mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially or sexually like he/she wants/needs? Should I fight, surrender or quit?

All people have issues from their houses of origin and they “fall in love” with someone who shares or represents those issues in some way, guaranteed. Ideally, they then marry and build love. Love is built by working through their issues from their houses of origin, thereby growing, healing, and learning to love themselves and others more than they ever knew was possible.

Unfortunately, many people simply want to try to *find *love rather than do all the work of building it, and so they go looking to “fall in love” elsewhere whenever being “in love” wears off. Each time they do that, their issues get bigger and bigger and harder and harder to heal, and in the end they eventually find out that love isn’t ever something that people find, it’s something they build. Love is built by working through one’s issues with somebody and growing, healing, and learning to love self and other.

God didn’t send us here because we already knew how to love ourselves and others. God sent us here to grow and learn how to love ourselves and others. “I don’t love you” means he doesn’t even know how to love you. Of course he doesn’t. Odds are that he doesn’t even know how to love himself nor anyone else either, nor even hardly knows who he truly is nor what he truly wants in life at all. Most people don’t, you know.

Is he interested in working together, growing, healing, learning, and building love together, or would he prefer to go “fall in love” with someone who shares or represents his issues…guaranteed!..on the far side of town? Those issues will be much bigger baggage the next time around than they were this time!
So if he packs his baggage be sure to wish him luck out there because he sure as heck is going to need it! I promise you that he is most definitely going to need it!
 
Is he willing to go to Retrouvaille, the program for marriages in trouble, before making a final decision? In addition to the counselling, it might be able to turn your marriage around.

You can’t force him to love you, no matter how much you try to please him, and him pointing fingers at you for all the problems in the marriage means he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own part. Bottom line: trust your gut instinct, because it is there for a reason.

I’m sorry he is being so cruel about this.
 
shell_217 said:
My husband says he does not love me. He said that he has been feeling this for some time. he says he does not desire me, does no longer see a future with me, is not excited about sharing a present or future with me. He said that he at one point did see all this and that he now wants out of the relationship. This has been going on for over a month. He has mentioned he does not know what he wants but that he does not want me in his life.

How can I work from that? I’m praying, but can love really be gone and have nothing there?

he says he put up with a lot in our marriage (me always studying) and he no longer wants to give it a try, he just wants out. He never communicated these things to me and now just assumes that will always be the same. He’s closed to any real work in the relationship. Any advice?
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To be honest, I would have a hard time believing that there is no reason behind it (studying is not a reason to fall out of love with someone), or something pushing him away permanently. I don’t know why he feels that way, but maybe there is someone else in the picture. There is nothing you can really do at this point for him. You need to get some hobbies or something to keep your mind busy and keep you happy. Go on a vacation or move out and do not have contact with him. Do not beg. You don’t deserve such heartlessness.
 
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